The Remaining Warmth Of Fog Harbor Chapter 43

Lacking wounds alone

The van bumped along the winding mountain road for seven hours. Shen Zhiyi leaned against the window and watched the scenery outside the window gradually change from the reinforced concrete of Wu Port to rolling green hills and stretches of rice fields. What finally came into view was a blue coastline shrouded in mist.The driver parked the car on the side of the road and pointed to a group of low buildings not far ahead: “Girl, Qingchuan is here. The beach house is in the alley in front. You can go there by yourself. I have to rush back to pick you up.”

Shen Zhiyi nodded, paid the fare, picked up the backpack containing a few pieces of clothing, painting supplies and a small amount of cash, and walked step by step towards the seaside.Qingchuan is a small town worthy of its name. There is no busy traffic in Fogang, no high-rise buildings, and even only a few traffic lights.There are old houses with white walls and black tiles on both sides of the street. The corners are covered with green vines. Occasionally, a few roosters pace leisurely. The barking of dogs comes from the alley, which has a strong atmosphere of life, but makes Shen Zhiyi feel strange and alienated.

She followed the direction pointed by the driver and found the alley facing the sea.The alley is very narrow and can only accommodate one person. The houses on both sides have a faint smell of sea, and white salt frost is condensed on the walls.At the end of the alley, there was the beach house she rented.It was a small single-family bungalow. The exterior walls were painted with off-white paint, and some areas had peeled off, revealing the red bricks inside.The roof is made of black tiles, and a string of dried fishing nets hangs under the eaves. Two pots of lush bougainvillea are placed at the door. The purple-red flowers are blooming enthusiastically, which is incompatible with the cold atmosphere around them.

The landlord is an old lady in her sixties, surnamed Chen, with gray hair and wrinkles on her face, but with a gentle smile.Mrs. Chen had already received the rent transferred from the agency. When she handed the key to Shen Zhiyi, she looked at her carefully: “Girl, you don’t look like a local. Are you coming to Qingchuan for tourism or permanent residence?”

Shen Zhiyi lowered her eyes and said in a hoarse voice that was almost inaudible: “Zhangzhu, my name is Lin Wan, and I want to find a quiet place to stay.” This was a temporary pseudonym she came up with on the way. “Lin” is her mother’s surname, and “Wan” is the word she dares not touch in her heart, and it is also the heaviest shackle between her and Lu Wanheng.She didn’t dare to use the name “Shen Zhiyi” anymore. This name carried too much pain and memories. She wanted to bury it completely in Wugang and in the past.

Old Mrs. Chen didn’t ask any more questions, just smiled and said: “Qingchuan is a nice place, quiet, with good air. It’s suitable for taking care of your body. The house has been cleaned up, and the water and electricity are connected. If you need anything, just tell me. I live next door.” After saying that, Old Mrs. Chen turned and left without saying another unnecessary word. This sense of just the right distance made Shen Zhiyi sigh in relief.

When I opened the door, a faint musty smell mixed with the fishy smell of the sea hit my face.The cabin is small, with only one bedroom, a simple kitchen and a small bathroom.There is an old wooden sofa in the living room. The sofa is covered with blue coarse cloth cushions that have been washed white. Next to it is an equally old coffee table. On the coffee table is an enamel cup with peeling paint.There is a single bed in the bedroom, covered with clean white sheets. The window faces the sea. When you open the curtains, you can see a vast expanse of blue.

Shen Zhiyi put down his backpack, walked to the window, and opened it.The sea breeze came in with a salty and wet breath, blowing the broken hair on her forehead.The sea outside the window is very calm, the blue water and the sky are connected. In the distance, several fishing boats slowly pass by, leaving white tracks.Such a scene should have healed people’s hearts, but there was no wave in Shen Zhiyi’s heart, leaving only a lifeless desolation.

She started tidying up the house.The movements were very slow, and every movement seemed particularly laborious.Severe depression made her physically weak. She would be out of breath if she moved even slightly, and her heart would hurt.She folded the clothes she brought one by one and put them in the drawer of the bedside table. Those clothes were all made of the cheapest cotton and linen without any brand logo. Just like her current life, all the glamor had faded away, leaving only the simplest background.

She carefully placed the painting tools in the corner of the living room. They were the only things she couldn’t bear to throw away.Drawing boards, brushes, paints, and drawing paper, these companions that once accompanied her through countless good times, have now become her only spiritual sustenance.She took out a piece of drawing paper and spread it on the coffee table, wanting to draw something, but the hand holding the brush kept shaking, and the tip of the pen drew messy lines on the paper, like her chaotic thoughts at the moment.She can no longer paint the warm tones in the “Late Night” series, nor can she paint the longing and hope she once had, leaving only endless confusion and despair.

After tidying up the house, it was already dark.Shen Zhiyi didn’t turn on the light, and just sat on the floor by the window, watching the sea water outside the window being swallowed up by darkness little by little.Her stomach was growling with hunger, but she had no appetite.The loss of appetite caused by depression has already made her accustomed to the feeling of hunger.She sat like this, motionless, until late at night, when she curled up on the sofa and fell asleep in extreme exhaustion.

In the next few days, Shen Zhiyi hardly left home.She locked herself in the hut and cut off all contact with the outside world.The mobile phone has been changed to a new number, and no one has been told except the landlord, Mrs. Chen.She canceled all social accounts and deleted all traces related to Wu Gang and Lu Wanheng. She didn’t even dare to watch the news or watch videos for fear of accidentally seeing any information related to the past.

She was like a wounded snail, curled up in her shell and refusing to be approached by any outside world.Occasionally, Mrs. Chen would knock on the door, bring some vegetables and fruits she grew, and ask with concern whether she had eaten and whether she was in good health.Shen Zhiyi always responded with the briefest words through the door panel, never invited her into the house, and was unwilling to communicate with her more.She was afraid of establishing connections with people, afraid of being hurt again, and even more afraid of her illness being discovered and being treated like a monster.

Once, when Mrs. Chen knocked on the door, Shen Zhiyi was having an attack.She suffered from chest tightness, shortness of breath, cardiac angina, and cold sweat all over her body. She huddled on the ground and was speechless in pain.Mrs. Chen knocked on the door for a long time but there was no response. She was a little worried, so she tried to push the door. The door was not locked and it opened immediately.Seeing Shen Zhiyi lying on the ground, her face as pale as paper and her lips chapped, Mrs. Chen was so frightened that she quickly stepped forward: “Girl, what’s wrong with you? Are you sick?”

When Shen Zhiyi saw Mrs. Chen come in, she struggled to get up like a frightened rabbit, but fell down again because of pain and weakness.She waved her hands and said in a weak voice: “I’m fine…I’m fine…You go out…”

Old Mrs. Chen was unwilling to leave. She squatted down and touched her forehead. There was no fever, but she felt that her body was shaking.”Girl, you can’t do this. You must be sick. Let me take you to the hospital.” Mrs. Chen said, trying to help her up.

“No!” Shen Zhiyi suddenly became excited, her voice filled with tears, “I’m not going to the hospital! I’m not sick! Get out! Leave me alone!” Her reaction was fierce, her eyes full of fear and resistance.She couldn’t go to the hospital, couldn’t let others know that she was suffering from severe depression, and couldn’t let others see her in such a miserable state.

Mrs. Chen was startled by her reaction and froze on the spot.Seeing the despair and pain in Shen Zhiyi’s eyes, Mrs. Chen felt a pang of distress in her heart.She no longer insisted on taking her to the hospital, but just sighed softly: “Then you have a good rest, and if you need anything, just call me.” After that, she put the fruit she brought on the coffee table and gently closed the door.

The moment the door closed, Shen Zhiyi couldn’t hold it any longer and burst into tears.The cries were muffled and desperate, echoing in the empty cabin.She hated her own cowardice, her illness, and her inability to maintain a normal life.She wished that someone could stay with her and give her a little warmth and comfort, but she knew that this was just a luxury wish.She had pushed herself into a dead end, and there was no way out.

In order to avoid being caught by Mrs. Chen when she was sick again, Shen Zhiyi began to deliberately avoid her.She always waits for Mrs. Chen to go out to buy groceries or go for a walk on the beach before quietly going out and buying some simple food and daily necessities at a nearby small supermarket.Wearing a large mask and hat, she walked quickly through the streets with her head lowered, trying to avoid looking at people, and like a ghost, she shuttled through the alleys of Qingchuan.

The beach in Qingchuan is very quiet. Except for the occasional fishermen going out to fish, there are few tourists.Shen Zhiyi likes to walk alone on the beach in the evening.She walked along the coastline step by step, and the sea breeze blew over her cheeks, bringing a salty and wet breath with a hint of coolness.She watched the waves hitting the rocks again and again, watched the sunset sink into the sea level little by little, watched the sky change from orange-red to dark blue, and felt empty in her heart.

She would think of the sea in Wugang and the scene where she and Lu Wanheng once walked on the beach together.At that time, Lu Wanheng would hold her hand, speak tender words of love, hold her in his arms, and protect her from the wind.The sea at that time was warm, sweet and full of hope.But now, the sea in front of me is only cold blue, and there is only endless loneliness and despair.

She didn’t dare to think about Lu Wanheng anymore or those beautiful memories.Whenever those images appeared in her mind, she would shake her head vigorously, trying to dispel them.She told herself that all that had passed. Lu Wanheng had chosen family and interests, and had chosen to be engaged to someone else, while she was just an abandoned and unnecessary person.She must forget him and completely cut off the past in order to survive in this strange town.

But the more you want to forget, the clearer your memory becomes.Lu Wanheng’s smile, his voice, his hug, and the vows he made to each other were engraved in her heart like a brand, lingering.Whenever she was lying alone on a cold bed in the dead of night, those memories would come flooding back to her, drowning her.She would wake up from nightmares, which contained Lu Wanheng’s cold eyes, Zhou Xi’s proud smile, and the dazzling engagement ceremony.When I woke up, I was covered in sweat, my heart ached so much, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep.

In order to numb herself, she began to draw like crazy.She devoted all her time and energy to painting, sleeping only three or four hours a day, eating whatever she wanted when she was hungry, and drinking water when she was thirsty.Her paintings are still in calm and depressing tones, dark blue, inky black, and light gray. The paintings show lonely coastlines, broken rocks, deserted streets, and dim skies.Every painting is full of despair and pain, and every stroke seems to be venting, accusing, and telling the endless torture she endured.

She became increasingly frail and the physical symptoms of depression became more severe.She suffered from chest tightness, angina, insomnia, loss of appetite, and rapid weight loss. Her cheeks were sunken, her eye sockets were black, and her eyes were hollow. She looked haggard, as if a gust of wind could blow her over.But she still persisted, still painting, because she knew that once she stopped, those painful memories would completely swallow her up, and she would no longer have the courage to live.

In her seaside hut in Qingchuan, she was like an isolated hermit, cutting off all contact with the outside world.She has no friends, no relatives, no lovers, only endless loneliness, pain and despair to accompany her.She doesn’t know how long she can hold on, and she doesn’t know where her future lies.She only knew that she would lick her wounds alone and bear the pain alone in this strange town until the end of her life.

The wind from Fogang will never blow to the seaside of Qingchuan again; Lu Wanheng’s name will never be mentioned by her again.The beauty and sweetness of the past, the love and pain of the past, were buried deep in her heart, and together with the name “Shen Zhiyi”, they were completely dusted.From now on, she is just Lin Wan, a lonely painter living in seclusion in a small southern coastal town.In her world, there was no more Lu Wanheng, no more foggy harbor, only the cold sea and endless darkness.

Banxia novel, a lot of fun