The Remaining Warmth Of Fog Harbor Chapter 38

Lonely licking oneself

In the days after the diagnosis, Shen Zhiyi lived like a soulless body.She locked the diagnosis report in the deepest part of the drawer, like hiding an ulterior secret, not wanting anyone to know, including her closest friends.She blocked the contact information of everyone who cared about her, cut off all contact with the outside world, huddled alone in the empty and cold apartment, licking the wounds that penetrated deep into her bones.

The pain caused by severe depression was far more cruel than she imagined.During the day, she could barely sleep for two or three hours with sleeping pills, and when she woke up, she felt endless emptiness and despair; at night, auditory hallucinations and nightmares invaded alternately, and Lu Wanheng’s gentle calls and cold taunts repeatedly intertwined in her mind, leaving her in a trance and almost collapsing.She often sat on the ground, staring at the air in a daze, without saying a word all day long, her eyes as empty as a bottomless dry well.

In order to prevent others from discovering her illness, she would hold herself up and wear a mask and a hat when she occasionally went out to buy necessities, trying to hide her pale and haggard face and thin figure.When meeting neighbors or former clients, she would walk by quickly with her head lowered, unwilling to make eye contact, for fear of being noticed.She was like a wounded little animal, hiding in her cave, bearing all the pain alone, refusing all approaches and help from the outside world.

She knew that she must look miserable at this moment.But she didn’t want anyone to see it, especially Lu Wanheng.She still remembered what he said, that she didn’t deserve it, that she was just a game.She didn’t want him to feel that her life was so miserable after leaving him, and she didn’t want him to see the joke.Even though her heart was full of holes, she still had to maintain the last trace of pitiful dignity on the surface.

Sometimes, she would take out her mobile phone and look through the chat records and photos she had with Lu Wanheng, and tears would fall silently.How she wanted to call him, tell him that she was seriously ill, tell him how painful she was, how she wanted to hear his voice again, even if it was indifferent.But she didn’t dare, she was afraid of hearing those hurtful words again, afraid of being mercilessly pushed away by him again.She could only bury all her thoughts and pain in her heart and let them grow crazily in the darkness.

There are more and more medicine bottles in the apartment, arranged in a mess.She took the medicine on time, but she felt that her condition was not getting better at all, but was getting worse.She began to lose interest in everything and even lost the courage to live.But whenever she wanted to give up, the photo with Lu Wanheng on her desk would always bring her a faint glimmer of hope, allowing her to barely hold on and continue to linger.She didn’t know how long this hope could sustain her, and she didn’t know if she would still have a chance to wait until the day when the clouds cleared and the mist cleared.

The “Wateful Meaning” series of illustrations, which was once popular in Wugang’s cultural and creative circles, has finally been discontinued.The last update was on the day before Lu Wanheng broke up. The painting shows a pair of lovers embracing each other under the sunset. The colors are warm and soft, full of longing for the future.But now, this series, which carries all Shen Zhiyi’s love and dreams, has completely become a thing of the past, like a beautiful memory that has been forcibly cut off, leaving only regrets.

Shen Zhiyi never touched the drawings of the “Wateful Mind” series again.Those works that once filled her with joy and put countless efforts into, have now become the most glaring pain.She locked all the unfinished drawings of “Late Night” in the cabinet and never wanted to open them again, as if she could escape the sweet and painful past.

Instead, there are a bunch of new works with sober tones and depressing styles.Her brush seemed to be soaked in ink, and she could no longer produce warm colors.Dark blue, inky black, light gray, and pale have become the main colors of her paintings. There is no sunshine, no smile, no warmth in the picture, leaving only endless darkness, loneliness and brokenness.

She painted lonely coastlines, with black waves lapping against the rocks, and a dark sky with no trace of light; she painted broken mirrors with cracks on the lenses, reflecting a pale, haggard, soulless face; she painted deserted streets, with streetlights emitting weak and cold light, elongating the lonely shadow, making the lonely shadow look particularly desolate; she painted entangled thorns, with broken strips of cloth hung on the sharp thorns, like bleeding wounds, which is shocking.

Every painting is like a true portrayal of her inner world, full of despair and pain.Her brushstrokes became heavy and stiff, no longer as agile and gentle as before. Each stroke seemed to be venting, accusing, and telling the endless torture she had endured.Her paintings no longer have the healing feeling they had before, but instead carry a strong sense of depression, which makes people feel distressed and even suffocated.

Once, her former assistant came to see her secretly and couldn’t help but get red-eyed when she saw these paintings.”Sister Zhiyi, how do you draw these…” the assistant’s voice was choked with sobs, “You were not like this before. Your paintings are all warm and full of hope.”

Shen Zhiyi just smiled faintly, her smile pale and bitter: “People always change.” She did not tell her assistant about her illness, nor did she explain why her painting style became like this.Some pains can only be endured by herself, and some wounds can only be healed by herself. She doesn’t want others to see her vulnerability and unbearability.

These paintings, full of fragmentation, were piled haphazardly in the corner of her apartment, covered with a thin layer of dust, and were as bleak as her life at the moment.She no longer pursues the perfection of paintings and no longer cares about other people’s evaluations. For her, painting is no longer a passion and dream, but a way to vent her emotions and a means to numb herself.She didn’t know if she could pick up the paintbrush again and paint warm colors, and she didn’t know if she could regain light and hope in her life.

Lu Wanheng learned about Shen Zhiyi’s medical treatment on the third day after she was discharged from the hospital.His assistant, Xiao Zhou, had been secretly concerned about Shen Zhiyi’s condition. He happened to see Shen Zhiyi’s medical record in the hospital that day and learned that she had been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder, schizophrenia, and even self-mutilation. She turned pale with fright and immediately told Lu Wanheng.

At that time, Lu Wanheng was in the conference room of Lu Group, discussing project plans with several senior executives.His father was sitting in the main seat, staring at him sharply, and there were two of his father’s cronies standing beside him, nominally assisting him in his work, but actually monitoring his every move.

When Xiao Zhou said in a trembling voice on the phone, “Ms. Shen was diagnosed with severe depression, the situation was very serious, and she had committed suicide,” Lu Wanheng’s mind went blank for a moment.He stood up abruptly, causing the chair to slide backwards, making a harsh sound, breaking the calm of the conference room.

“What did you say?” Lu Wanheng’s voice was trembling uncontrollably, and his eyes were full of shock and panic, “Say it again!”

“Mr. Lu,” Xiao Zhou’s voice was filled with tears, “Miss Shen…she suffers from severe depression, anxiety disorder and schizophrenia. The doctor said she has suicidal tendencies and is in a very dangerous situation. I only found out about it when I saw her medical record by chance. She seems to have been hiding her illness and is carrying it alone…”

Lu Wanheng could no longer hear the rest of the words clearly.The words “severe depression,” “suicidal tendencies,” and “dangerous situation” echoed repeatedly in his mind. His heart seemed to be tightly grasped by an invisible hand, and it hurt so much that he could hardly breathe.He remembered the cruel words he had said to her, her desperate cries when she begged for peace, and her gentle smile and the light in her eyes. A huge wave of guilt and heartache instantly overwhelmed him, making him almost lose control.

“Lu Wanheng, what are you doing?” Father Lu’s voice was full of dissatisfaction and warning, “We are in a meeting, why are you so crazy?”

Lu Wanheng turned his head suddenly, his eyes red and bloodshot, like a beast on the verge of collapse.He stared at his father, his heart filled with endless anger and hatred.If it weren’t for his father’s coercion, if his father hadn’t threatened Shen Zhiyi’s safety and livelihood, how could he hurt her in such a cruel way?How could she be allowed to endure so much pain alone?What made her so sick?

He wanted to rush out immediately, find Shen Zhiyi, take care of her, make up for her, tell her all the truth, and protect her from any harm.But he can’t.He saw the warning in his father’s eyes and the wary looks of the two monitors around him.He knew that as long as he dared to take this step, his father would immediately take more extreme measures against Shen Zhiyi, and the consequences would be disastrous.

“I’m fine.” Lu Wanheng said in a hoarse voice, suppressing the excitement and pain in his heart.He sat back on the chair, clenching his fists tightly with his hands, and his nails dug deeply into his palms. The pain made him wake up a little.He knew that right now, he was not strong enough to compete with his father or protect Shen Zhiyi.He must be patient and must regain power as soon as possible. Only in this way can he completely get rid of his father’s control and truly protect the person he loves most.

The meeting continued, but Lu Wanheng couldn’t listen at all.His mind was filled with Shen Zhiyi’s figure, her pale and haggard face, and the scars on her arms.He was so distressed that he couldn’t breathe, and every minute and every second was like suffering.He wanted to call Shen Zhiyi, want to hear her voice, and want to know how she was doing now, but he didn’t dare.He was afraid that his voice would betray his emotions, and that his father would think badly of her.

After the meeting, Lu Wanheng returned to his office. Unable to hold on any longer, he punched the desk and scattered documents on the floor.He collapsed on the chair, tears bursting out, and his heart was filled with endless pain and self-blame.He looked out the window. The sky in Fog Harbor was so gloomy that it looked like it was going to rain. Just like his mood at the moment, there was no light in sight.

He asked Xiao Zhou to secretly go near Shen Zhiyi’s apartment to check on her condition and report to him at any time.Whenever he learned that Shen Zhiyi was alone at home, not eating or drinking, but just dazing or drawing, his heart hurt like a knife.How much he wanted to appear next to her immediately, give her warmth and comfort, but he could only watch from a distance, like an outsider, helpless.

This kind of pain that was so far away was far more uncomfortable than the pain he suffered himself.He knew that Shen Zhiyi must be lonely, in pain and in need of company at this moment.But because of his family’s surveillance and his father’s threats, he could only choose to hide his love and distress, and watched her struggling in the dark abyss, but was unable to lend a helping hand.

He vowed silently in his heart that he must become stronger as soon as possible, he must take back everything that belongs to him as soon as possible, and he must get rid of his father’s control as soon as possible.At that time, he would immediately find Shen Zhiyi, tell her all the truth, and spend the rest of his life making up for the damage caused to her. He would never let her suffer any grievance again, and never let her suffer the pain alone again.

But now, he can only endure and wait.Waiting for the right time, waiting for an opportunity that can completely change everything.Before that, he could only bury all the heartache and love deep in his heart, allowing them to grow crazily in the darkness and turn into the power to support his progress.He didn’t know when this opportunity would come, and he didn’t know if Shen Zhiyi could wait until that day.

Banxia novel, a lot of fun