FCY Chapter 120
by VolareCen Xi’s Diary
Cen Xi’s Diary
“Yan Yan…”
“Luo Yan?”
“Huh?”
Zhu Zi called Luo Yan many times before pulling him out of his thoughts.
“I have something to do, I’ll leave first.”
“Okay… okay… Bye, Brother Zhu Zi.”
After Zhu Zi left, Luo Yan sat alone in the convenience store, thinking for a long time. All the memories he had with Cen Xi flashed through his mind like a slideshow. Thinking carefully, did Cen Xi ever have self-harm tendencies?
It seems he did.
Actually, Luo Yan wasn’t sure. In his memory, Cen Xi was exactly like a normal person, but how could a normal person suddenly self-harm so severely?
Brother Zhu Zi wouldn’t lie to me… He couldn’t possibly lie to me about this…
Luo Yan believed Zhu Zi’s words, but he still wanted to find some reasons to let go of the obsession in his heart, to give up his resentment towards Cen Xi. Or rather, he wanted to understand a true Cen Xi, not the one who “pretended” so well in front of everyone.
But he couldn’t find it in his memories. The Cen Xi in his memories was always positive, upright, and never depressed or gloomy.
That’s right, the diary! Luo Yan recalled that Cen Yi had given him a diary.
Luo Yan suddenly stood up and ran out of the convenience store, heading straight for the SY Base.
……
Where did I put it? Luo Yan searched frantically in his room, but he couldn’t see a shadow of the diary. On the desk? No. In the closet? No. On the bed? Still no. Where did I put it?
Because Luo Yan didn’t care about the diary at all at the time, he just tossed it aside casually, which led to the fact that Luo Yan couldn’t find it no matter what now.
Luo Yan looked around the room. He hadn’t noticed it when he was looking for things in the room just now, but now he realized that many things were missing from the room. To be precise, only Cen Xi’s things were missing.
Did Cen Xi move out?
Thinking of this, Luo Yan couldn’t help but feel disappointed. He simply collapsed on the bed, looking at the ceiling. Did he just move out like that? Without even trying to keep him? I didn’t even chase him away, did I? Why? Didn’t he always say he loved me?
Luo Yan didn’t understand. Why do some people love you, but then stay away from you?
Did he find the diary and take it away?
“Hahahaha~ Hahahaha~”
Luo Yan laughed and cried. For some reason, he felt that his desire to get close to Cen Xi seemed self-inflicted at this moment.
Why?
Why exactly?
Luo Yan covered his eyes with his arm, and tears flowed silently. Suddenly, his hand felt a notebook in the crack of the bed.
What is this?
Luo Yan picked it up and looked at it. It was the diary he had been looking for for a long time.
I don’t want to read it, Luo Yan threw it at his feet.
Or should I take a look?
A few minutes later, Luo Yan changed his mind.
He sat up, picked up the notebook and started reading it page by page.
June 29th, Sister is going abroad to study, and Mom and Dad have to run around for the company and don’t have time to take care of me, so they sent me to Grandma’s house.
June 30th, Why do I feel like Grandma doesn’t like me?
July 4th, Cousin broke the plate, but insisted to Grandma that I broke it. Grandma believed Cousin, but it wasn’t me…
July 9th, Grandma is going to play with Cousin. I asked Grandma if she could take me with her. Grandma scolded me and wouldn’t let me go, and even said that if I followed, she would break my legs. Okay, then I won’t go (but I really want to play too)
July 10th, Cousin threw the chicken into the water, and once again blamed it on me. I explained again, but Grandma still didn’t believe me. Why? Grandma even hit me today because of the chicken. It hurts so much, and she won’t let me eat.
July 15th, I asked Grandma why she always takes Cousin out to play and doesn’t take me. Grandma didn’t say anything, just stared at me fiercely. I don’t have any food to eat again tonight.
July 16th, I made Cousin angry. Before going to bed, Cousin kicked me out and said loudly, “Why are you so clueless…” The stars are so beautiful tonight. I can’t make Cousin angry in the future.
July 20th, I can only be with the stars again tonight. I can’t sleep with Cousin when he’s angry (reciting silently), I can’t make him angry, otherwise there will be no place to sleep, and Grandma doesn’t care about this matter. Cousin also said that if I make him angry in the future, I have to be perceptive and walk out of the room myself, otherwise I won’t be able to sleep in bed for a few days. I don’t like Cousin.
July 25th, Grandma still doesn’t answer my questions. Why doesn’t she pay attention to me no matter what I ask? She even scolds me?
August 1st, Mom, Dad, Sister, I miss you so much.
August 2nd, I hate Cousin and Grandma. I got beaten again today.
……
January 1st of the following year, it’s New Year’s Day, why haven’t Mom and Dad come to find me yet?
February 30th, I’m finally out. Grandma locked me in the small dark room for more than ten days. It’s so dark, I’m so scared.
March 5th, What should I do? Mom, Dad, I don’t want to be here anymore, when are you coming? I want to die… but if I die, I won’t be able to see you.
March 6th, I got beaten again today, for no reason.
…….
April 8th, I feel like everything I do is wrong, I get beaten for everything I do, and things that I didn’t do are forced on me. Why?
May 7th, It turns out it’s because I’m worthless! I can’t hold on anymore. Today, I inexplicably cut myself with a knife. This feeling is really good, but Grandma saw it and beat me again. My body seems to be used to the pain.
……
July 1st, Mom and Dad finally came to pick me up, but I don’t dare to see them.
……
August 1st, Mom and Dad found out that I was hurting myself, they also read my diary, and then they rushed to find Grandma angrily, and had a fight with Grandma, it was so fierce. Mom and Grandma even broke off their relationship. Did I do something wrong?
August 2nd, Mom and Dad are taking me to see a psychiatrist. There’s nothing wrong with my mind, I’m not going. They said that as long as I don’t hurt myself for a month, I don’t have to go, otherwise, they’ll have to drag me there. I agreed.
September 2nd, Didn’t go to see a psychiatrist.
……
Hurt myself again, Sister saw it…
Have to be a normal person….
Can’t let people discover that there is something wrong with my mind, no, there was nothing wrong with my mind in the first place…
The diary ends here.