DF Chapter 52
by VolareSong Ji’an felt that Sheng Jia’s return to school this time was strange.
She seemed to have become even colder.
This wasn’t just her overthinking; she really had become more distant, from the inside out.
Eventually, even Xu Lijing noticed it.
It wasn’t easy to get close to Sheng Jia’s heart and have her consider you one of her own, but in the past four months, Sheng Jia had shown a very clear curve of friendliness.
From indifference, to hesitant reluctance, to gradually accepting and getting used to having a group of chatty friends around her, the process was clearly visible.
Song Ji’an’s expectation was that they would definitely become very close friends before graduation.
Even if she had fallen for Sheng Jia along the way, she believed that as long as she kept those feelings hidden and undetected, everything could proceed smoothly.
But now, it was as if they were back to square one.
Sheng Jia had once again become that pure, cold ice, filled inside and out with the will to keep people at arm’s length.
Song Ji’an didn’t know why.
Nearing the end of the semester, Sheng Jia had already quit her job at the cafe. Based on her savings, she wouldn’t be short of money for at least the next year, and she could focus on studying for the college entrance exams.
She had returned to her life of going between two points, basically only going between school and home, completely rejecting Song Ji’an and Xu Lijing’s invitations.
And after losing Sheng Jia’s workplace, Xu Lijing and the others couldn’t find another place to gather and joke around after class. Without Sheng Jia at Greenery Cafe, they always felt like something was missing, and they lost interest.
Song Ji’an wasn’t a passive person; she really wanted to understand why this was happening.
She didn’t use any roundabout methods, but asked directly.
“Sheng Jia, have I done something to offend you recently?”
She asked this question when Jingjiang had already entered sub-zero temperatures, with only a week left until vacation.
Snowflakes were constantly falling from above, but no one was holding umbrellas; everyone was used to walking through the snow with their heads down.
Although Song Ji’an and Sheng Jia hadn’t been going out to play together recently, they still maintained their habit of walking out of the school gate together every day. Then, Sheng Jia would walk home, while Song Ji’an would get into the car Auntie Liu had driven to pick her up, and they would part ways.
In the past, Song Ji’an would mostly talk while Sheng Jia listened and occasionally responded with a few words. It was the same now, actually.
But Song Ji’an could tell whether the other person was being patient and sincere.
Just like now, Sheng Jia only said in a light voice after hearing her words, “No.”
Perfunctory.
She was being perfunctory with her.
Song Ji’an felt a little hurt. She didn’t know what she had done wrong to deserve this kind of attitude from her.
Sheng Jia had never been someone who would indulge in her emotions; she could even be said to be frighteningly calm and restrained most of the time.
But Song Ji’an felt at this moment that Sheng Jia was venting her temper on her.
Song Ji’an had her own pride; she wouldn’t internally consume herself, nor would she fall into anxious contemplation because of the other person’s attitude.
She would only stop Sheng Jia, who was still trying to walk forward, and say to her in an almost confrontational tone, “Sheng Jia, are you throwing a tantrum at me? Why?”
“Where did you get the idea that I’m throwing a tantrum?” Sheng Jia frowned; no one had ever used that word to describe her before.
“Three days ago, I asked you why you suddenly became so cold, and you said it was because you wanted to start focusing on preparing for the exams, and you could only concentrate on one thing at a time,” Song Ji’an said. “But wasn’t it the case that you could juggle studying and part-time work before, and even mess around with us? You’re deliberately distancing yourself from me.”
“I need a reason.”
Song Ji’an rarely had such a serious expression; even her usually gentle eyebrows and eyes had become sharp.
“If I want to go all out, then I have to give up something,” Sheng Jia said slowly. “My future is very important, and I may need to give up something along the way to maintain my condition.”
“Lying,” Song Ji’an raised her chin and denied those words. “Maintaining your condition by giving up friendship and wrapping yourself up in a cocoon again?”
“You’re clearly hundreds of times more tense than you were in the past.”
She mercilessly exposed Sheng Jia’s loophole.
That’s right, that’s how Sheng Jia had made her feel these past few days: tense, like a string stretched to its breaking point.
Sheng Jia glanced at Song Ji’an. The girl in front of her, after revealing her sharp side, was like a triumphant female eagle, ready at any moment to find the other person’s weakness and launch a perfect, flawless dive to capture her prey.
But Sheng Jia didn’t choose to meet the attack head-on; instead, she chose to bypass her and walk forward.
This time, she was stopped again by Song Ji’an, who was quick to react.
“I want a reasonable explanation,” Song Ji’an said, meeting her gaze. “Otherwise, I’ll propose another solution.”
Sheng Jia looked at her with some helplessness. “What will it take to let me go?”
It was that kind of tone.
That helpless and perfunctory tone was enough to ignite the anger that Song Ji’an had been holding back for the past two weeks.
She talked about a way to solve the problem. If it had been in the past, Sheng Jia would have seriously asked her what the method was, instead of deliberately asking now what it would take to let her go. Sheng Jia was so smart; how could she possibly confuse the relationship between the two?
She was deliberately provoking herself.
Song Ji’an took a deep breath, grabbed her wrist, and dragged her forward until they reached the edge of the playground.
The red plastic track hadn’t been cleaned yet, and it was covered with a thick layer of snow.
Since the beginning of winter, the students had played in the snow countless times and had already lost interest, so the snow hadn’t been disturbed today. As far as the eye could see, it was a vast expanse of white, almost up to two people’s calves, and it was exceptionally smooth.
“Fight me,” Song Ji’an released Sheng Jia and said very seriously, “I haven’t dealt with conflicts between friends before, especially the kind where I don’t even know the reason.”
“But if you’re angry with me, then fight me to vent your anger,” she said. “If I lose and you beat me until I’m lying on the snow, then maybe the unhappiness in your heart will dissipate a little. If I win, I want you to tell me why you’ve been so abnormal lately.”
“Fight you to vent my anger?” Sheng Jia found this request a little funny. “If you think I’m angry, shouldn’t you tell me to beat you up to vent my anger?”
“But I don’t know why you’re angry with me, so why should I obediently stand there and let you beat me up?” Song Ji’an couldn’t help but laugh after hearing those words. She took off her down jacket while saying, “Sheng Jia, the sentence you just said is the most normal thing you’ve said in the past two weeks.”
Normal, just like how they used to get along, exchanging witty remarks.
“I don’t want to fight you.” Sheng Jia picked up her bag and turned to leave.
But the next second, she was tackled onto the soft snow. The playground, which had originally been in perfect aesthetic harmony, now had a collapsed corner.
Song Ji’an straddled Sheng Jia’s back and snatched her bag. “This isn’t up to you to just leave whenever you want. You have to make everything clear today!”
Sheng Jia felt the weight on her back lighten. She frowned slightly, turned around nimbly, and pushed Song Ji’an away. Then, she got up and was about to run toward her bag when Song Ji’an reacted quickly and grabbed her leg from the ground. The two of them fell into the snow again.
“Song Ji’an!” Sheng Jia scolded in annoyance, “Are you a rogue?”
“I’m not,” Song Ji’an retorted. “You’re the coward, not saying anything clearly. What kind of friend is that?”
Sheng Jia immediately bent down to push her away, but Song Ji’an grabbed her wrist. The two of them sank into the snow, pushing and shoving each other back and forth, gradually rolling into a ball.
Song Ji’an was like clingy flypaper, and Sheng Jia couldn’t shake her off for several minutes. Sheng Jia simply scooped up a handful of snow from the side and stuffed it into her collar.
“Ah!” Song Ji’an immediately exclaimed, “Sheng Jia!”
But Sheng Jia had already stood up and run two steps forward, looking like she was about to get her bag, which had been tossed aside. However, Song Ji’an pounced on her again from behind. This time, Sheng Jia was prepared. The moment she jumped onto her back, she grabbed her wrist and gave her an over-the-shoulder throw.
The snow was soft, and Sheng Jia’s movements were even lighter. Song Ji’an fell into the snow unharmed but exhausted. Sheng Jia, standing beside her, had made such a fuss with her, and was standing on the spot, smoothing her breath.
In the quiet air, the only thing that could be heard for a while was the sound of the two of them panting.
Sheng Jia looked down at Song Ji’an, who was lying on the ground, and said slowly, “Can you not always do what you want every time you want to do it?”
“Every time?” Song Ji’an caught the key word and sat up with a confused expression. “Besides this time, when else?”
As she spoke, she tugged hard at the hem of Sheng Jia’s down jacket. Sheng Jia, who wasn’t prepared, fell and sat down next to her.
With Song Ji’an’s down jacket and the snow to cushion her fall, it didn’t hurt at all, but it still made Sheng Jia grab a handful of snow and smear it all over Song Ji’an’s face with a bit of annoyance.
The snowflakes were cool and refreshing, scattering in all directions the moment they were thrown, and in the end, they only gently touched Song Ji’an before falling down. She laughed. “Are you less angry now?”
Sheng Jia didn’t say anything, but pulled out her down jacket and handed it to her, indicating that she should put it on. Song Ji’an was only wearing a black cashmere turtleneck sweater at that time, and it was covered in snowflakes, but she didn’t care. She casually patted it and put on her down jacket.
“Song Ji’an, I understood the words you said at the beach last time,” Sheng Jia suddenly said as if she couldn’t bear to see her laughing so happily, “I think keeping a distance is the best choice for both of us.”
Song Ji’an’s smile froze. She was a little disbelieving. “What did you say?”
Sheng Jia met her gaze, her dark eyes filled with sincerity. “I said I understood that you confessed to me.”
“You…” This was a reason that Song Ji’an had never imagined. The fireworks at the beach weren’t just a whim of hers; she had thought about it for a long time and wanted to find an opportunity to express her feelings, which was why she had chosen that time.
The sound was covered up, and the environment was dim and flickering. Unless Sheng Jia had telescopic eyes, how could she have clearly seen what she was saying?
But now, Sheng Jia was telling her that she understood.
She had so directly exposed this crush that Song Ji’an had been secretly carrying out for several months.
Song Ji’an fell silent. The arrogance from just now gradually disappeared, leaving only her heart pounding, unsure whether it was excitement or nervousness.
“You were the one who insisted on asking clearly,” Sheng Jia said, patting the snow off herself and lowering her eyes. “Can I leave now?”
Song Ji’an’s blank mind rapidly returned to her senses under these words. She finally regained her reason under this sudden impact.
“Why do you have to keep your distance from me after discovering that I have a crush on you?” She asked recklessly, “It’s my business to have a crush on you, and I won’t do anything that will bother you. Isn’t it normal to like and admire a girl like you when you’re young?”
“Sheng Jia, I know the answer now, but I still want another answer.” She pursed her lips. “You’re avoiding this, aren’t you?”
Sheng Jia gazed at her nervous and expectant eyes, and suddenly laughed self-deprecatingly. She seemed to have been hit by Song Ji’an’s weakness, filled with a little helplessness.
“Yes, I’m avoiding it. It’s the most normal thing to like someone or hate someone when you’re young. But that night, I realized that I seem to be very different from you.”
“Whether it’s you, or Xu Lijing, Su Zhaolin, Song Yi, you all have the power to squander your youth as you please. You can like and admire anyone who suits you, but I don’t.”
“I don’t have the right to like anyone or accept anyone’s affection. I only have one path ahead of me, with no possibility of error.” Sheng Jia said slowly, “Besides the college entrance exams, I don’t seem to have any other choices right now that can make my life better. I have to have 100% certainty, otherwise, neither I nor my mother will be able to escape the shadows in the future.”
“Do you think I’m avoiding it? Maybe I am, but I just suddenly realized the difference between you and me, and I’m a little afraid to interact with you anymore. Because your happiness is always so easy to achieve, and the atmosphere can always be so intoxicating, making me feel like I’m the same as you. I’m also afraid that I’ll forget my goal.”
“Is that all?” Song Ji’an tilted her head, feeling that something was still wrong. Sheng Jia had been interacting with them for almost four months. In fact, she had been very composed. If this was really the reason, then she should have started having these thoughts and distancing herself from them from the time she accompanied Song Ji’an to Luoling.
But she distanced herself from her starting from the confession at the beach.
It might be true that she was afraid of forgetting her goal, but the reason shouldn’t be such a grand-sounding feeling that she was different from everyone else.
Everyone was different; it was impossible to find two completely identical people in this world. This was something that Sheng Jia herself agreed with.
Moreover, it was just normal friendship. How could it possibly affect her choices?
After excluding all the reasons, there was only one possibility left.
Sheng Jia’s rare outpouring of her heart’s feelings didn’t deceive Song Ji’an. Her brain was unprecedentedly flexible at this moment, and even the blushing and heart-pounding from having her crush exposed completely disappeared because of the possibility she had thought of.
She approached Sheng Jia and said softly, “Sheng Jia, you’re lying, aren’t you?”
“What you’re afraid of isn’t that your companions will make you lose yourself and your goal. What you’re afraid of is that you’ll also fall in love with me.”
The wind and snow seemed to stop at that moment.
Sheng Jia didn’t say a word.
But not saying a word already explained everything.
Song Ji’an suddenly laughed, as if she had unloaded all her strength, and lay down in the snow.
“So that’s the reason. Sheng Jia, you’re also afraid.”
Sheng Jia was also exposed by her to the deepest worries in her heart. She simply stopped pretending and lay down in the snow with a little helplessness, smashing out a deep pit.
“Yes, afraid. Why not be afraid?” Sheng Jia said, “I don’t have the confidence to not be tempted after knowing that you like me. I don’t like the feeling of not being able to control my own heart.”
“Isn’t it good to follow your heart?” Song Ji’an asked, “Just like when I realized that I liked you, I planned to follow my heart.”
“I hate losing control. I want to control every part of my body, including my thoughts,” Sheng Jia said truthfully.
Incredibly, the two of them were actually discussing this issue so frankly at this moment, just like their heart-to-heart talk in Luoling, revealing their innermost feelings that they would never tell outsiders.
In the end, they actually reached a consensus, realizing that what they were worried about was actually a very small thing.
Love was a foreign territory for them. Love had thrown Song Ji’an into disarray, and fear of love had also thrown Sheng Jia into disarray. After talking it out, they felt that it was actually insignificant in their lives.
What if they knew? What if they didn’t know? They could still be very good friends.
Song Ji’an leisurely raised her hand to cup the cold wind and said jokingly, “Are we making a bit too much of a fuss about this?”
Sheng Jia’s eyes flickered slightly, and she seriously agreed with her words, “Indeed, a bit.”
Making a fuss?
No.
Sheng Jia didn’t think so.
If she didn’t bring it up, Song Ji’an would always hold this secret in her face. No matter how broad-minded Song Ji’an was, she would be at a disadvantage in this unrequited love, secretly shy, and making small movements out of her liking that even she herself didn’t notice.
It was impossible for Sheng Jia to pretend not to see it every time. Even if Song Ji’an didn’t want to trouble others, she still showed it too obviously. Her liking and admiration couldn’t be hidden at all.
Continuing like this would be a mutual consumption for both of them.
One wanted to hide it but showed it everywhere, and the other didn’t want to discover it but was very sensitive and had to pretend not to know.
Thinking about it, it was a very stupid thing.
It was better to be like this now.
Under her deliberate performance, Song Ji’an would definitely come to ask.
Bringing everything out into the open and letting the ambiguous atmosphere between them dissipate was the best choice.
Sheng Jia didn’t have any pursuit of being frank and open, but Song Ji’an always did.
Being frank and open, no longer needing to hide, no longer needing to be cautious for fear of being discovered, from now on, any of her reactions could come from the heart, without having to think back and forth and consider whether she was going too far.
Sheng Jia also didn’t need to pretend not to see it anymore. She could even be sure that her actions would only make Song Ji’an admire her, like her, and be close to her even more.
Even if this closeness excluded love, it was enough for Song Ji’an to regard Sheng Jia as her closest friend. Sooner or later, Song Ji’an would bring Sheng Jia a suitable, perfect opportunity to reveal everything.
Sheng Jia lay on the snow, squinting her eyes and gazing at the sky above.
The hood of her down jacket was on her head, and the fluttering snowflakes fell down, covering her expression along with the hood.
Song Ji’an didn’t know what she was thinking, but she could feel that Song Ji’an was in a very good mood at the moment.
Neither of them wanted to get up, just lying quietly side by side in the snow, and no one spoke anymore.
“Sheng Jia,” Song Ji’an said softly after a long time, “We only have half a month of vacation this winter, and the rest of the time we have to attend make-up classes.”
“During those half a months, my mother wants to take me to Southeast Asia to secure a mine and also to train my abilities. Would you like to come with me?”
Sheng Jia asked, “Just me?”
“That’s what I thought at first,” Song Ji’an smiled. “I hesitated about this idea in my heart many times and didn’t tell you, afraid that if I directly said that I only wanted you to accompany me, you would suspect something.”
“When you have a crush on someone, you think more and worry more about everything, afraid that you will reveal something. But after saying it so frankly, it’s more open and honest.”
“I just want to invite you alone this time,” Song Ji’an said. “First, because my mother only gave me one spot for this matter. Going to Southeast Asia, even if we have bodyguards with us the whole time, still has some risks, so if I want to invite a classmate to go with me, these issues need to be considered. Second, of course, is my selfishness. Among all my friends, the one I trust and like the most is you.”
At this moment, the second reason was said so smoothly and frankly that it was unbelievable. Song Ji’an could even predict what Sheng Jia was going to say before she opened her mouth and added, “The salary is twice as much as last time we went to Luoling.”
Sheng Jia couldn’t help but laugh. She raised her hand and high-fived Song Ji’an, “Deal.”
“But I think the second reason doesn’t actually need to be told to me.”
Song Ji’an lay on the ground, raising her hands and legs, sweeping the snow around her, and said with a smile, continuing her words, “Because you already knew?”
The pride in Sheng Jia’s heart wasn’t any less than Song Ji’an’s. She could even nod her head in agreement with those words, “Yes, it’s something everyone knows, so there’s no need to say it again.”
“You recovered too quickly,” Song Ji’an said, “Even these kinds of jokes are back.”
Sheng Jia didn’t deny it, only following her actions on the ground. The two of them waved their hands and feet childishly, sweeping the snowflakes all over the sky. Anyone could tell that they were in an absolutely good mood at the moment.
Now, the opportunity had come.
Sheng Jia curled her lips in the midst of playing around.
She was one step closer to her real goal—Song Ningqiu.