Suo Qingjun Chapter 95

Dust returns to dust, dust returns to dust, leaving only lovesickness in the underworld

The days started with the operating light extinguished in the hospital, and then they completely fell into endless darkness.

When Chu Jiyan was half-supported and half-supported by Qing Fengan and Jin Xianling to leave the hospital corridor, he looked like a body whose soul had been taken away. His steps were hollow, his eyes were empty, and even the tears seemed to have dried up. Only the red bloodshot eyes were left, silently telling the heart-rending loss he had just experienced.

Qing Feng’an was originally worried that he would collapse on the spot, cry out of control, or do something to hurt himself, but Chu Jiyan was unusually quiet along the way.

It was so quiet that it was disconcerting.

He didn’t scream, didn’t struggle, and didn’t question the injustice of the sky. He just obeyed and allowed a few people to help him get into the car, get out of the car, and return to the house where he and Lin Xingmian had lived together for many years.The moment he opened the door, a familiar scent hit his face. Lin Xingmian’s faint, clean scent of soap locust seemed to linger in the air. On the coffee table in the living room was half a cup of warm water that he had not finished. The light gray sweater he usually wore was draped on the sofa. Everything was exactly the same as before, as if the person who always called him “senior” with a quiet smile just went out to buy something, and the next second he would open the door and come back, softly saying “I’m back.”

But only Chu Jiyan knew that that door would never be opened for him again.

The person who walked towards him with a smile would never come back.

“Ji Yan, please sit on the sofa for a while, and I’ll get you a cup of hot water.” Qing Feng’an spoke cautiously, speaking in an extremely soft tone, as if she was afraid that if she made a loud noise, she would completely crush the already shaky person in front of her.

Chu Jiyan did not respond. He just walked slowly to the sofa and sat down slowly. His eyes fell directly on the glass on the coffee table, his eyes blank and without any focus.His hands were placed quietly on his knees, his knuckles still white, and he sat stiffly, like a lifeless sculpture.

Jin Xianling stood aside, her brows furrowed, and her usually cold and hard lines were now stained with worry.He had known Chu Jiyan for many years and had never seen him look like this – the Chu Jiyan who had always been calm and restrained, and who was calm and unhurried in situations, the Chu Jiyan who always kept all his emotions in his heart and silently guarded Lin Xingmian. At this moment, he was only left with broken tenderness and despair, and even his breathing was so light that it seemed that he might break at any time.

Xu Baiyan’s eyes were already red. He didn’t dare to look into Chu Jiyan’s eyes. He could only turn his face away and resist the tears from falling.He knew better than anyone else how deep Chu Jiyan’s feelings for Lin Xingmian were. It was a secret love that had been hidden for more than ten years, a careful guard, a companionship that asked for nothing in return, and a deep love that was willing to stay by his side for a lifetime even if the other party didn’t know or respond.

Now that the building is empty, there is no place for this deep feeling.

Song Xu silently walked to the window and opened a gap in the curtains, letting in a little bit of the faint skylight from outside, illuminating this oppressive and breathless room.He didn’t speak, just stood quietly, accompanying everyone in the room who was immersed in sorrow in his own way.

The next few days were spent dealing with Lin Xingmian’s funeral.

According to local customs, after a person leaves, they must remain in mourning for three days and then choose a day to be buried.Qing Feng’an and others were afraid that Chu Jiyan wouldn’t be able to hold on, and originally wanted to take over all matters without letting him worry about it, but Chu Jiyan abnormally insisted on participating in person.

From contacting the funeral home, sorting out the remains, selecting shrouds, to decorating the mourning hall, writing memorial tablets, and receiving relatives and friends who came to express their condolences, he did everything himself.

He remained quiet.

Quietly, he put Lin Xingmian into clean and tidy clothes, quietly watched the makeup artist put the final touches on his appearance, and quietly stood in front of the mourning hall, looking at the black and white photo, for the whole night.

In the photo, Lin Xingmian has gentle eyebrows and a slight smile on his lips. He is still the clean, soft, and sunny-looking person that everyone remembers.

Chu Jiyan stood in front of the photo, silent, neither crying nor fussing, just watching quietly, his eyes as gentle as if he were looking at a rare treasure, with a deep-rooted nostalgia and reluctance.

Those who came to express their condolences all lamented and sighed, saying that their brotherly love was deep, and that Chu Jiyan valued love and righteousness. However, only Qing Feng’an and the others knew that this “deep love” had already surpassed that of ordinary brothers. It was a love that had been hidden for half a life, had no time to express, and never had a chance to respond.

They didn’t dare to persuade or mention him, so they could only stay by his side silently, guarding this cold mourning hall and guarding the person who was about to overwhelm him.

Three days passed in a blink of an eye.

On the day of the burial, the sky was overcast with thin cold rain falling, as if God was weeping for this sudden parting.

Lin Xingmian’s cemetery was chosen in a quiet cemetery on the outskirts of the city. It is backed by green mountains and faces green water. The environment is quiet and there are few people to disturb it. It was a place chosen by Chu Jiyan himself.He said that Xingmian has a quiet temperament and doesn’t like noise. The place is clean and allows him to sleep peacefully for the rest of his life.

The moment the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground, everyone present had red eyes.

Xu Baiyan couldn’t bear it anymore, covered his face and squatted on the ground, crying silently.Jin Xianling lowered his head slightly, his eyes full of heaviness and distress.Song Xu stood in the rain, letting the cold rain wet his clothes. His expression was calm, but he could not hide the sourness in his heart.Qing Feng’an raised her hand to hold Chu Jiyan’s arm, fearing that he would not be able to bear it and fall down on the spot.

But Chu Jiyan still stood upright.

He didn’t cry or make a fuss, he just watched quietly as the small tomb was slowly filled with a handful of loess, watched as the tombstone engraved with “Lin Xingmian’s Tomb” was erected little by little, and watched as the person he had loved and guarded for more than ten years completely turned into a handful of loess and was buried in the cold ground.

The rain wet his hair and slid down his face. He couldn’t tell whether it was rain or tears.

He just gently raised his hand, slowly bent down towards the new grave, and bowed three times.

Every bow he made was extremely low and serious, as if he was making the most solemn and desperate farewell to his boy.

“Xingmian, sleep well.”

He spoke, his voice so soft that it was swallowed up by the sound of rain, but the words were clear and heartbreakingly gentle.

“I will visit you often.”

After the funeral, the rain gradually stopped.

Everyone accompanied Chu Jiyan back home, removed the mourning hall, carefully put away all things related to Lin Xingmian, and placed them neatly, without daring to move them at all.They were afraid of being touched by the scene, and they were even more afraid that Chu Jiyan would collapse again after seeing these things.

After finishing everything, it was already dark.

Qing Feng’an looked at Chu Jiyan’s still calm appearance and felt a little relieved.He originally thought that Chu Jiyan would lose control at the funeral and collapse the moment he was buried, but he didn’t.He sent Lin Xingmian away quietly, dealt with all the funeral affairs quietly, and quietly accepted the fact that this person was gone forever.

Qing Feng’an even secretly felt in her heart that maybe Chu Jiyan was stronger than they thought, and maybe as time passed slowly, he could always come out little by little and start a new life slowly.

“Ji Yan, you’ve been too tired these past few days. Have a good sleep tonight and don’t think about anything, okay?” Qing Feng’an warned softly, “We are right next door. If you need anything, call us at any time. Don’t bear it alone.”

Jin Xianling also nodded and said in a deep voice: “Lock the door and close the windows. If anything happens, call immediately.”

Xu Baiyan sniffed and said with a cry: “Brother Ji Yan, you must eat well and sleep well. We will come see you tomorrow.”

Song Xu briefly explained a few words, asking him to pay attention to his health and not to stay up late.

Everyone’s words were full of worry and concern, but they all unanimously stopped mentioning Lin Xingmian, for fear of poking the most painful place in his heart.

Chu Jiyan still just nodded lightly, without much expression on his face, his eyes were calm and almost indifferent, and there was no trace of any disturbance.He even slightly twitched the corners of his lips at a few people, showing a very shallow, very pale smile, and said softly: “I’m fine. Don’t worry, you can go back. I can take care of myself.”

It was this sentence of “I’m fine” that completely relieved Qing Feng’an and the others.

They thought that Chu Jiyan had really recovered.

They thought that he had accepted the fact that Lin Xingmian left.

They thought that he would live a good life with Lin Xingmian’s expectations.

But no one knows that this calmness is not relief at all, but the final reflection after despair reaches the extreme.

It was a farewell that had already been planned.

Qing Feng’an and the others left with three turns and gently closed the door.

The moment the door closed, the last human voice in the room completely disappeared, leaving only boundless silence, completely wrapping Chu Jiyan.

He turned around slowly and scanned the room filled with Lin Xingmian’s aura bit by bit.

On the wall of the living room, there are still photos taken together when they were in school. In the photo, Lin Xingmian is wearing a clean white shirt, with curved eyebrows and a bright smile. He is standing next to him, his eyes falling on him unconsciously, so gentle that he cannot hide it.

On the bedside table in the bedroom, there is a desk lamp that Lin Xingmian often uses. He likes to turn on this lamp to read and write in the middle of the night. The light is warm and yellow, making him gentle for countless nights.

In the flowerpot on the balcony, there are small daisies planted by Lin Xingmian himself. They are still blooming well, with bright yellow petals swaying gently in the evening breeze.

Every corner here has his traces, hiding their memories of more than ten years.

From the youthful campus to the stable adulthood, from his silent protection to his quiet companionship, from his love that he dared not say out loud to the confession that he was unable to hear in the end.

Everything is still there, but that person is gone.

Chu Jiyan slowly walked to the bedroom and gently closed the door, completely isolating himself from the world.

He didn’t turn on the light, but took advantage of the faint moonlight outside the window to walk to the desk step by step and sit down.

On the desk, there is a piece of clean letter paper and a black pen.

He picked up the pen, his fingertips trembling slightly, but he still wrote steadily.

He didn’t write too many words, no lengthy last words, no heart-rending accusations, just a few lines, quiet and gentle, but with the determination to die.

To Qing Fengan, Jin Xianling, Xu Baiyan, Song Preface:

Xingmian left, and my world went with it.

I have guarded him for more than ten years and loved him for more than ten years. Now that he is alone underground, I can’t worry.

I went to find him, and this time, I would never be separated from him again.

Please bury me next to Xing Mian for me, and we will stay with you forever.

Finally, I leave a poem for Xingmian to express my love for you in this life:

After writing these lines, he took a deep breath, moved the pen tip slowly on the paper, and wrote down the only and last ancient poem he wrote for Lin Xingmian in his life.

The nib of the pen paused and was put away. A drop of hot tears fell on the paper, blurring out the faint ink mark.

He gently folded the letter and placed it in the most conspicuous place on the desk. Then he slowly stood up, walked to the bed, and lay down gently.

He closed his eyes, and a very shallow and gentle smile appeared at the corner of his mouth.

It feels like the burden of half a lifetime has finally been lifted, and it feels like the reunion that has been waiting for a lifetime has finally come.

Xingmian, wait for me.

This time, I won’t be late again.

This time, I will tell you personally that I love you.

This time, we will never be separated again.

The night is dark and everything is silent.

The room was so quiet that there was no sound. Only the evening breeze outside the window gently blew through the curtains, bringing endless sadness and tenderness.

The next morning, it was just dawn.

Qing Feng’an and others were worried, so they rushed over early in the morning and knocked on the door for a long time, but no one answered.

An ominous premonition suddenly arose in their hearts, and they panicked. They quickly found spare keys and opened the door.

The living room was quiet, everything was the same as when I left last night, neat and clean, but as cold as an empty house.

“Ji Yan?”

“Chu Jiyan!”

Several people shouted his name, their voices echoing in the empty room, but there was no response.

They rushed to the bedroom like crazy and pushed open the door.

The next second, everyone froze on the spot, their faces instantly turned pale, and their blood seemed to have completely solidified at this moment.

Chu Jiyan was lying quietly on the bed, his eyes closed tightly, his face as pale as rice paper, his breathing had stopped long ago, and his body was slightly cold.

He walked peacefully and calmly, as if he had just fallen into a deep sleep, a dream of going to Lin Xingmian’s side that he would never wake up from.

Xu Baiyan’s legs went weak on the spot and he collapsed to the ground, crying bitterly.

Jin Xianling clenched her fists suddenly, her knuckles turned white, her eyes were red, and she couldn’t say a word.

Song Xu lowered his eyes slightly, his long eyelashes covering up the shock and heartache in his eyes, and his whole body froze.

Qing Feng’an stood at the front, looking at the lifeless Chu Jiyan on the bed, and felt that her eyes were darkened, and she could hardly stand.

They thought he was calm, thought he was strong, and thought he would live well.

But I didn’t expect that this peace would be a silent farewell.

He followed his young man in the most gentle and decisive way.

At this time, Xu Baiyan’s eyes fell on the desk, and the neatly folded letter stung his eyes instantly.

With trembling hands, he picked up the letter and slowly unfolded it.

Qing Fengan, Jin Xianling, and Song Xu gathered around, their eyes fell on the paper, and they could see every word clearly.

Every word was like a cold knife, piercing their hearts so hard that they couldn’t breathe.

When they saw the last ancient poem written for Lin Xingmian, several people could no longer hold back and burst into tears.

On the paper is Chu Jiyan’s last handwriting, neat and gentle, with a lifetime of lovesickness.

The letter slipped gently from Xu Baiyan’s hand and fell to the ground.

The skylight outside the window lit up little by little, illuminating the empty room, illuminating the person sleeping forever on the bed, and illuminating the ancient poem that contained half a lifetime of secret love and a lifetime of deep love.

Lin Xingmian left, and Chu Jiyan followed.

One didn’t have time to hear the confession, and the other didn’t have time to tell her love.

An unexpected accident, a deep love that has been hidden for more than ten years, in the end, only a dependent tomb, a weeping ancient poem, and a group of people who will always live in regret and sadness are left.

The wind blew gently, with endless sighs.

From then on, there was no more Chu Jiyan or Lin Xingmian in the world.

Only the green mountains bury the bones, the lovesickness lasts forever, and we will never forget each other year after year.

Banxia novel, a lot of fun