NH chapter 045

Chapter 45: Fall

Officially entering the third year of high school, the seating arrangement was rearranged, and deskmates were changed to single desks, rotating weekly.

The new seating chart was based on grades, and due to the significant differences in scores, Huo Ye was predictably placed at the furthest corner from Shen Tingyu’s diagonal.

In fact, school had already been in session for quite some time, as if someone had pressed the fast-forward button—before he knew it, he had just started high school not long ago, and yet the college entrance exam was already upon them.

The calendar pages were torn off day by day, and the numbers on the blackboard diminished in a flash, while class schedules were repeatedly written and erased, with the sun rising and setting outside the window.

Zhao Jiayan wiped the blackboard clean and then turned to rewrite.

—“There are 185 days until the college entrance exam.”

Starting from the first semester of senior year, various school exams and joint exams became incredibly frequent. Taking a week off could result in piles of papers.

The usual laughter had faded; during breaks, everyone was too lethargic to play around. It was as if they were drained of energy, and when the bell rang, many would instantly fall asleep.

The good news was that whether they were “good students” or the so-called “bad kids,” everyone had made significant progress over the year. Their grades had improved considerably.

The bad news was, except for Huo Ye.

While everyone was pushing themselves to improve, Huo Ye had plummeted.

Recently, after several rounds of exam scores were released, Huo Ye was called into the teacher’s office for a chat. The teacher asked him what was going on and why his grades fluctuated so much, even in subjects he was good at.

The teacher said, “You were initially accepted into Class A based on your scores, and your abilities earned you respect. Back then, no one dared say anything. But if you can’t maintain your grades, you’re wasting resources. Next semester, you might be transferred to a parallel class.”

Huo Ye nodded, expressionless, saying he understood. When he returned to the classroom, he found someone sitting in his seat, someone unfamiliar.

“Hey, Ye Ge, where are you going?”

Wu Zhen, holding a stack of assignments, asked from the next desk.

Huo Ye looked again and realized he had walked into Class B; of course it would feel unfamiliar. He froze for a moment and sluggishly said, “Oh.”

So he turned around and walked back.

Wu Zhen looked at him with concern, wanting to say something but stopped himself.

Back in Class A, Huo Ye found someone still sitting in his seat and stepped out to glance at the class nameplate. It was still correct.

Shen Tingyu was sitting in his seat, holding the exam paper from the recent joint exam. He called out to him, neither warm nor cold: “Huo Ye, come here.”

“……”

Okay, it wasn’t mistaken at all.

When Shen Tingyu called him “come here,” it was much scarier than when a teacher said “go over there.” Huo Ye’s heart raced as he walked over heavily.

“I’ve taught you this function question, haven’t I? Why did you get it wrong again on the second attempt? Didn’t you say you understood it at the time?”

Shen Tingyu flipped through the paper, seeing many questions he had already highlighted for Huo Ye, even writing a few similar questions for practice. Huo Ye should be familiar with these types by now.

“This one too.”

“…… And this one. Huo Ye, what are you doing?”

Shen Tingyu seemed to be losing his temper but managed to hold it back, yet Huo Ye could hear it.

He understood why Shen Tingyu was upset.

After all, it was a waste of time for anyone to spend effort creating a wrong-question notebook for a poor student, to organize every paper, and to find suitable practice questions from thousands to help them solidify their understanding. They even customized a precise and strict study plan down to every minute.

Not only did he see no improvement, but this miserable paper filled with red marks was more than anyone could bear, let alone Shen Tingyu, who had put so many hopes in him.

Among everyone, the person most afraid that Huo Ye wouldn’t pass was neither Huo Ye himself nor his mother, but Shen Tingyu.

His heart raced, hands unconsciously trembling; Huo Ye hid his hands behind him, feeling like a child caught doing something wrong and unsure what to do.

Because over the past year, depression had recurred, even more severely than when he was at online rehab private school in his third year of middle school. The physical manifestations were terrifying, and his forgetfulness was increasing—his mind felt rusty, especially during tests.

He understood each word when broken down, but when combined, they became incomprehensible. To Huo Ye, numbers turned into gibberish.

This paper, which couldn’t even stand up in Class A, was the result of staying up late every night, working part-time to pay off debts, handling a pile of troubles left by Huo Lijun, just to sit down and do homework and review until almost three in the morning.

What was he doing? Huo Ye’s gaze grew vacant as he stared at the ruined paper, unable to articulate anything.

“—I’m sorry.”

Upon hearing these three words, Shen Tingyu became even angrier. He was still holding a grudge about Huo Ye saying “we’re not in a relationship” a few days earlier, and now, the words came spilling out: “You always say sorry; who are you truly apologizing to?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you lately. You refuse to tell me anything. You keep me at a distance but won’t give me anything. I’ve tolerated it all.” His disappointment poured out in accusations, “Since we agreed to take the entrance exam for Beijing together, why are you throwing it all away!”

The word “fall” was one Huo Ye had heard many times, but he never expected one day it would come from Shen Tingyu’s mouth, leaving him somewhat dazed.

Last time, the math teacher said something similar, and he snapped back.

But this time, he felt pain.

Because it mattered, just as Huo Ye knew that the three words “I’m sorry” were the last things Shen Tingyu wanted to hear. Shen Tingyu was vaguely aware of how hurtful the term “fall” was for him.

But they both said them anyway.

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault.” Huo Ye could only express these three words, helplessly. He really tried his best.

The heartfelt words Shen Tingyu wanted to hear, Huo Ye could never tell him. He had grown accustomed to silently bearing his own pain, having to handle the family’s debts by himself, sharing his suffering seemed like self-pity. Huo Ye’s pride didn’t allow him to do that.

Song Jianlan probably didn’t expect that after being wronged, she wouldn’t seek helpfirst but would subconsciously hide away like a hedgehog, licking her wounds, thinking that this way, her children wouldn’t find out and wouldn’t worry.

As a result, her nine-year-old daughter learned to hide her burn scars from her father, and her nineteen-year-old son remained silent, hiding all his vulnerabilities even while being loved, making it impossible for his loved ones to offer healing, leading to repetitive rejection and mutual torment.

You kept secrets from me, and I kept secrets from you; in the end, Song Jianlan herself became the least skilled actor in this family.

His gaze shifted from the red-marked paper to the dark circles appearing under Shen Tingyu’s eyes due to the worry he felt for helping him review.

Huo Ye suddenly felt a twinge of sympathy, and then, feeling particularly harsh, blurted out: “Shen Tingyu, you don’t need to care about me anymore.”

“…… What did you say?”

Shen Tingyu stared at him, seemingly in disbelief.

It felt like a punch to the gut or a bucket of cold water thrown on him in the heat of anger; Shen Tingyu felt his blood freeze.

He suddenly stood up, his expression near terrifying, for an instant looking like he wished he could strangle Huo Ye, though his eyes burned red with emotions.

Accidentally bumping into the desk, the sound was quite loud, drawing all the students’ attention in Class A, who exchanged glances, unsure about what to say.

“How can you say such a thing? Huo Ye, do you have any heart?” Shen Tingyu appeared betrayed and abandoned, as if he couldn’t accept it, much like a person who had worked hard to provide for a family but suddenly heard their partner saying they can’t continue this life and wanted a divorce.

Huo Ye looked at him with that devastated expression, and the first thought that popped into his mind was that it would probably be hard to make up.

Shen Tingyu threw down the paper and angrily pushed past him to leave the classroom.

Their quarrel seemed to shake the heavens and the earth, and everyone in class knew the two were at odds again. It wasn’t a big deal, as arguments between close friends in high school were normal. However, the two had such striking looks that merely standing there drew everyone’s attention, making whatever they did stand out.

Moreover, they had gone through their share of silent treatments before; back when sophomore year began, they were quite at odds, only to later end up as inseparable brothers.

At any rate, the students in Class A thought that this was another conflict that would blow over in a few days, just like before.

By senior year, everyone’s psychological state was a bit off; to put it bluntly, they seemed half-crazed. That morning, while they were reading, barely staying awake, a suddenly ear-piercing scream erupted from the next class, followed by a prolonged bout of crying.

Someone ran out to see what was happening, and it turned out that a girl in Class C could no longer handle the pressure, unable to sleep due to insomnia, and snapped after being scolded by the teacher during morning study.

After a few neighboring classes shared the news, no one felt like watching the show anymore, and they numbly returned to their own work.

That night, Huo Ye was at home packing his sister’s discarded plush toys, filling several large boxes, planning to mail them over.

Huo Lijun was heavily drunk again, and it was Huo Ye who received a call just earlier, telling him that the drinking party had ended, and those who drove called for a designated driver, while those who didn’t needed friends to pick them up. But Huo Lijun was the only one refusing to leave, making a scene by hitting and shouting that his wife ran away, almost forcing the hotel to call the police.

Huo Ye apologetically spoke on the phone, and when he hung up, he immediately took a taxi to the hotel. His dad was being restrained on the floor, with bottles shattered all around. Huo Ye had to pay quite a bit to have him released.

Now, he collapsed in the living room, occasionally hearing the sound of him vomiting into the trash can, mixing in some coarse curses, probably aimed at Song Jianlan and her daughters for being heartless and running away.

Huo Ye treated it as background noise, carefully packing each of his sister’s toys, placing the teddy bear on the left and the bunny on the right, arranging them neatly as if they were sitting in a row.

He brought out scissors and tape, sealing the boxes at last. His palm throbbed unexpectedly, and looking down, he realized it was an open wound.

The bandage from that day had already been changed.

A faint grip, still holding a semblance of warmth.

Huo Ye knew it was an illusion. Every deep night, he began to miss Shen Tingyu, longing for that kiss of concern from Shen Tingyu.

Since knowing Shen Tingyu for so long, this was perhaps the first time he had felt this level of anger. Huo Ye and Shen Tingyu were both fully aware of what the words they exchanged truly meant.

As they walked side by side past the school’s basketball court, the breakfast shop beneath their apartment, and the winding paths of the mountain streams, those distant memories felt far away.

Yet this made Shen Tingyu give up on him, and in turn, let himself go.

Huo Ye sealed the box, sitting on the edge of the bed with the chaotic noises of shouts and insults outside. He wanted to light a cigarette, but it seemed the last one had been smoked that day, leaving the pack empty.

He stood frozen for a moment, then tossed the empty cigarette pack into the room’s trash can, making a solemn decision.

—He would quit smoking.

Bad things, don’t get addicted.

Unaware of how much time had passed, the noise outside subsided, and Huo Lijun lay comatose on the floor, snoring loudly.

Only then did Huo Ye step out to silently clean up the vomit in the living room and mop the floor twice. He didn’t even bring a blanket for his dad, letting him freeze in December.

After showering, Huo Ye felt much better. He suddenly felt inexplicably happy and excited, with his heart rate skyrocketing.

Sitting at his desk, he began to do his homework.

His mind was unusually clear today, and he finished his assignments before eleven o’clock, which was rather unusual.

Like the little fireworks of the New Year’s Eve, Huo Ye could clearly feel his body burn at this moment, though he didn’t know when it would turn to ash. But he didn’t want to think about the uncertainties ahead, so he kept working diligently according to the study plan Shen Tingyu made for him, redoing the past mistakes three times.

Two in the morning.

With a twist of his pen, Huo Ye had far exceeded his tasks.

His instincts led him to pull out his phone, wanting to tell Shen Tingyu that he had done well tonight and perhaps deserved some praise.

However, just as he typed a line, he remembered that he had already been abandoned by Shen Tingyu, a notion that had been his own doing.

After a long silence, he deleted everything.

His emotions plunged from peak to trough in an instant.

This was undeniably painful; at this moment, Huo Ye should have realized that his condition had worsened, even trending towards a bipolar disorder from his depression, but he didn’t have time to pay attention to that.

The college entrance exam was imminent; he could not slack off.

Unable to message Shen Tingyu anymore, Huo Ye lay in bed for another half hour without sleeping, randomly scrolling on his phone.

People tend to remember vague matters in the deep of night, and he suddenly clicked into the school forum, searching for that pair of boys who had caused quite the uproar in their first year, curious about what had happened after.

Did they find happiness?

Or like him, did they give up?

This incident had significant repercussions and had been officially forbidden by the school from being spread, but there were still gossipmongers using abbreviated names to dig up the aftermath, making it easy to find.

[In class today, after finishing a call, the homeroom teacher hurriedly called Z out and he didn’t come back that whole day. Does anyone know what happened? His face looked terrible at the time.]

[Don’t you know? I thought this was a big deal; basically everyone on this side knows it. Sigh, a life was lost.]

[What life??]

[Upper floor, don’t keep us in suspense; we’re just science students over here without internet access, we don’t know anything.]

[It’s quite sad to say, that guy from Class 7, you know, the one who got together with Z, he’s gone today.]

[What do you mean “gone”?]

[Ah? Ah ah ah???]

[Didn’t he take a leave of absence? How could it suddenly……?]

[It’s said an accident occurred; he had psychological issues and insisted on self-destructive behavior. This time, it was too much to handle, and he couldn’t be saved.]

Huo Ye blinked lightly, momentarily unable to grasp what the so-called “couldn’t be saved” meant.

He still remembered the boy’s appearance.

Pale skin, delicate features, thin—a very good-looking child.

At a glance, he looked somewhat like himself, but on closer inspection, not exactly.

What was his name?

Oh right. His surname was Lin, called Lin Yu.

Lin Yu was dead.