FBF chapter 5 part 6

It was something I couldn’t say to my grandfather or my mother. Sometimes, it was something I hid even from myself. There were various reasons.

My grandfather wouldn’t want it. My mother would get angry. All the plans my parents had set for my future would get messed up. Then someone would certainly end up getting hurt.

And…

I couldn’t find any more reasons and lifted my head. The moment I met Lee Jihoon’s eyes, I felt that the reason I had just barely found was crushed. It felt like he knew that.

“Go in the direction where you can be happier.”

It was the first advice I had ever heard in my life. Ridiculously innocent, and maybe that’s why it pierced deeper into my heart. Perhaps because of that, I was able to speak honestly.

“…I don’t really know what happiness is.”

The moment I let that slip out, I realized how pitiful that statement was. But it was the truth. I had never lived for happiness. It was the first time I had thought about that word for such a long time. I thought it could be surprising for Lee Jihoon. However, Lee Jihoon didn’t look shocked or pity me. He simply shared the method he knew, just like last Friday.

“If you don’t know that, ask the person you want next to you for the rest of your life.”

“…”

“Ask if they are happy.”

Lee Jihoon really seemed to mean it. I could tell just from his unwavering gaze. Leaving me to ponder his words, he prepared to leave. While I stared blankly at him as he stood up his bike, I asked.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

Lee Jihoon, who had been sitting on the saddle, paused and turned to look at me. His expression was one of incredulity.

“Why do you think?”

He seemed to be sarcastic as if he thought I would know, but unfortunately, I still didn’t have the answer this time either. Upon confirming my expression, Lee Jihoon turned his head away while informing me with a blunt tone.

“Because I want you to always be here.”

As he answered, he stepped on the pedals, and the bicycle started moving immediately. A gust of wind swept past. I watched his back until it disappeared as before and then turned my body.

“…Grandfather.”

As soon as I opened the gate and stepped inside, I spotted an old man sitting on the porch.

In front of him was an ashtray. It was piled high with cigarette butts.

Maybe he had kept those things by his side while I was outside.

“…Where have you been wandering at night?”

My grandfather happily offered one of the ten words he had reserved for today.

At this moment, it was also something that couldn’t help but shatter me. The instant I realized that everything in front of me stemmed from affection towards me, I couldn’t pretend to be okay anymore, and I felt I shouldn’t.

“Can’t I just stay here?”

I spoke to my grandfather’s back as he prepared to go back inside after that brief admonition.

“I want to live with you, just like this, without going to my mom.”

“…”

“I don’t want to be a prosecutor like Mom, and I don’t want to be a lawyer like Dad.”

“…”

“I just want to live like this.”

Lee Jihoon told me to ask the person next to me if they’re happy, but I couldn’t ask. Because I already knew that my grandfather wouldn’t be happy after I left.

So instead of asking if he was happy, I said,

“Honestly, I don’t know what happiness is, but here… I just feel at ease. I eat well, and I’m not scared at night. I’m not lonely either.”

Those were clumsy words that were closer to venting than persuading. Fortunately, my grandfather stood there and listened to all of it. Just having him do that was a comfort. Like Lee Jihoon’s words, I began to wonder if my grandfather didn’t want to part with me. I felt emboldened.

“I can study hard here, and I will try to convince Mom. If that doesn’t work, if she insists on taking me to Seoul, I can still come here during the vacation….”

My words came to a sudden stop because my grandfather moved. I held my breath. He was heading towards the storage room, a place he had been spending time in whenever he found some free time since last week.

I watched him without knowing what he was doing. My grandfather opened the storage room door and soon came out holding something. A large rectangular box that looked neat. As if it were a new product.

I read the words on the box, which were clearly visible even in the dark. The moment I recognized the familiar phrase, I couldn’t help but gasp.

It was a computer. Something that wouldn’t have been in this house if not for me.

My grandfather opened his mouth. No matter how big the box was, he wouldn’t be smaller than it, but he looked particularly small standing in the darkness, looking at me.

“…Your mom has been sending money every month while you’ve been here.”

“…”

“I’ve saved it all. Use it when you need it later.”

I exhaled. The moment I understood why my grandfather had been sneaking around to the storage room since last week. He had bought this but didn’t know how to give it to me.

He even left work early today for that reason. He had been reorganizing the storage to hide this secretly.

“While you are here, I will take responsibility for you, not your parents. Me.”

‘You’ve suffered a lot in a place without a computer and where even your phone doesn’t work well.’

He couldn’t casually say that, nor could he say he would get me a computer to tell me to stay here.

I took my first small steps as if I were just beginning to walk. My grandfather, who had never seen me as a child, stood there like it was important to show me that. He stood still as I approached, embracing his sturdy and unwavering body.

The moment his thick, wrinkled hand wrapped around my back, I realized we were both crying.

* * *

“Ah-choo, ah, it’s cold!”

Kang Youngsoo made a loud entrance. The sound of his footsteps as he jumped into the yard sounded just like splashes. Hearing the sound of wet slippers sticking to the floor, it seemed he had come wearing them. No matter how close his house was to this one, it wasn’t something I would choose to do, to run here in slippers without even using an umbrella. I decided to give up scolding him because he was the type to repeat the same mistake, no matter how much I admonished him. I sighed and picked up the towel I had been folding.

As I stepped onto the porch and got a closer look at Kang Youngsoo, he was even wetter than I had thought. From his yellow shirt to his gray sweatpants, he was a mess covered in raindrops. Shaking like a wet dog and trying to shake off the raindrops, he looked towards the living room where I was sitting, and immediately asked,

“Were you folding laundry, Seon-uk? Is it a man’s class or something?”

Even while shivering from being soaked in the rain, he couldn’t help but keep talking. However, knowing that his eyes squinting into a grin whenever he saw me was because of my presence, I couldn’t say anything. This was the way Kang Youngsoo had been ever since he found out I wasn’t transferring back to Seoul. The question from his mother about how he managed to hum a tune throughout the exam period because he was bored came to my mind, which made me even more embarrassed.

“Wait! Wait, let me put this down first.”

Right then, instead of grabbing the towel I offered, Kang Youngsoo dumped the items he had been holding onto the porch. The wet bag was filled with comic books that I had glanced through when I visited his house once. Once I confirmed that snacks were included, I remembered that those were snacks I had tried and found tasty when Kang Youngsoo insisted I eat some more.

After all, he was a rather peculiar character. I always felt overly stiff in front of Kang Youngsoo, who expressed friendship in a way I had never experienced before. I even began to wonder if I needed to make an effort too.

“Hello, Grandfather! This is watermelon! Mom sent it for you. She said to eat it with Seon-uk.”

Having approached my grandfather, who was still working in the storage room, Kang Youngsoo handed over the watermelon. With that, he climbed onto the porch and brightly asked while shaking his head.

“Where’s the computer?”

Oh right, there was a reason Kang Youngsoo had come over. When I gestured towards my room, he completely opened the partly ajar door and stepped inside.

“Wow! The computer looks brand new. The boot speed must be super fast.”

Upon finding the computer placed in the corner of the room, he approached it with shining eyes but then tilted his head.

“But was this desk here before? I don’t think it was here when I came last time.”

I was surprised that he noticed something that might have slipped past. He only remembered coming home with me once not long ago and was able to say this. After being surprised for a moment, I awkwardly added some explanation.

“Ah… um. My grandfather made it for me. He said to study while sitting.”

Kang Youngsoo raised his hand to cover his mouth.

“I see. That makes sense. Your grandfather loves you that much- Ugh!”

“Don’t overdo it,” I cut him off.

Even though I hadn’t disclosed all the details of what happened with my grandfather that day, Kang Youngsoo was acting as if he and my grandfather were the protagonists of some family drama, piecing together a few facts he had overheard. It could be ignored in everyday life, but not in this house, where my grandfather could hear our conversation at any time. I saw him clasp his hands and plead, and then I finally released the grip on his mouth.

“Now that I think about it, you really are a physical type. People have to communicate, you know. Don’t express yourself with your body.”

Kang Youngsoo, seeming irritated at having to be subdued, grumbled for a moment. But the moment I turned on the computer for him, he became so focused that he leaned closer. It was funny that the game he was so fixated on wasn’t even one of the common ones, like Star or Sudden, but a game where a speedy character opened its mouth to eat coins.

I listened to the sound of the rain through the opened window. The sound of the rain was separate from the background music of the game Kang Youngsoo was playing, causing me to check outside every now and then. Ah, seeing the character fall off the edge again, Kang Youngsoo, unimpressed, got up from the chair and poked me in the side.

“Shall we give Lee Jihoon a call?”

“Why all of a sudden?”

“Just. Let’s tease him. Let him know we’re having fun.”

Lee Jihoon had left for his maternal grandparents’ house today for the vacation. Last night, he had deliberately stopped by our house and left his bicycle in the corner of the yard. He was worried someone might steal it if left at home, or so he said. I could have refuted him, but seeing the towel I had placed on the bike that day still lying on it, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had come to realize that was Lee Jihoon’s way of expressing that he liked being here, entirely different from Kang Youngsoo.

I put down the comic book and looked out the window. Raindrops clung to the screen. I became curious. I wondered if it was raining at Lee Jihoon’s maternal grandparents’ house too.

They said this year’s rainy season would start early. Remembering the rainy season news I had seen with my grandfather, I nodded.

“Then let’s do that.”

Before I could respond, Kang Youngsoo, already holding his phone to his ear, sent me an okay sign with his thumb and index finger. His eyes sparkling with excitement seemed to indicate he was ready to play a prank on Lee Jihoon. I sighed and picked up the comic book again. The contents of the call were predictable. I would be lucky if the call didn’t end within three seconds, let alone being asked if it was raining.

“Hey, you old man. Where are you? Are you thinking of me? We agreed to do that every time you passed a tollgate.”

As expected, Kang Youngsoo put on a sardonic voice as soon as the call connected. He even winked at me, taken aback.

“Oh, no matter how nice it is that I called, you shouldn’t curse at me. You know that’s not my style.”

Kang Youngsoo continued with a playful tone, only to pull the phone away from his ear with a look of disbelief.

“Did that bastard hang up on his own?”

It seemed Lee Jihoon had hung up the call. After making several more attempts at calling, Kang Youngsoo eventually snatched my phone. When Lee Jihoon answered without any suspicion, cutting him off before he could announce that we were together, it resulted in a messy situation of being forced to hear Kang Youngsoo’s voice again.

“Why do I have Seon-uk’s phone? Because we are together. Yeah. When you pass the tollgate, I’m building my friendship with Seon-uk. Don’t show any possessiveness towards Seon-uk. Who’s with me? Yeah, it’s me.”

Including me as an afterthought in their friend rivalry, which had only begun six months ago, was more of a game than a special treatment.

“Are you staying overnight? Once it stops raining, we’re riding back on the bike you left. Why? Are you jealous? If you’re jealous… Ugh, why! I won with him.”

I held back my laughter, enduring the nonsensical game for three more minutes until I yanked the phone out of Kang Youngsoo’s hand. He wore a pouty expression, and I pointed at the computer.

“Go play a game or something. Don’t waste your energy on useless stuff.”

“No, but!”

“Do you want to go home instead?”

Kang Youngsoo immediately stopped talking. After confirming that he was quietly creeping back toward the computer chair, I looked down at the phone. The call time continued to run. Given Lee Jihoon’s personality, I assumed he would have already ended the call just from hearing us fight, but surprisingly, he didn’t. I held the phone between my shoulder and ear while I grabbed the comic book.

“Are you still on your way? How far have you gone?”

-…….

“Lee Jihoon?”

Had he hung up? Only when I looked down at the phone did I realize Lee Jihoon’s voice was faintly coming through. The call duration was still blinking. 2 minutes and 12 seconds. I pulled my gaze from the numbers and put the phone back to my ear, as if confirming what I hadn’t heard. Lee Jihoon’s voice grew louder than before.

-Why did you let Kang Youngsoo into your room?

It wasn’t even about why I let him come over; he was asking why I let him in my room, which sounded incredibly off. I momentarily mulled over his words before replying.

“I didn’t let him in; he barged in on his own!”

Lee Jihoon snorted.

-Just lying where he fits, huh?

Something must be bothering him, as he sounded irritated. I wondered if Kang Youngsoo’s pointless jealousy tactic had worked or something. Upon reflection, both Kang Youngsoo and Lee Jihoon were trying to confirm their friendship in a way I couldn’t comprehend. I flipped to the next page of the comic book and responded indifferently.

“Why are you talking nonsense when he’s asking how far you’ve gone? Where are you?”

-I’ll arrive in ten more minutes.

Fortunately, Lee Jihoon was easier to talk to than Kang Youngsoo. Hearing his compliant answer, I closed the comic book. Trying to do both at once made it difficult to focus on either.

Leaning my head against the closet, I tilted it back a little. My gaze lingered at the only white square that remained conspicuously empty where a frame had been hanging for a long time. It used to be where my dad’s picture hung, but the day after I decided to stay here, I took it down. My grandfather didn’t say anything when he saw me carrying the frame toward the storage. I placed it among my father’s old belongings that had piled up in the corner of the storage. To me, it was only natural that it was no longer my father’s room but mine.

I turned my gaze from the wall to the window.

“Is it raining there too?”

-Just a little. Not much at all.

“Good. Take care of yourself. Help your grandmother with the farming. Listen to your father.”

-Okay, teacher.

“Teacher, my foot. Don’t overdo it.”

-Yes, police officer uncle.

“…Don’t scold Kang Youngsoo about going to the fourth section next time. You’re the same.”

After making my annoyance clear, Lee Jihoon stopped teasing and laughed. Since he lived in the same neighborhood, went to school together, and was in the same class, I rarely had to talk to Lee Jihoon on the phone. Because of that, his voice used to feel strange, but his laughter sounded just like I remembered. I awkwardly rubbed the bridge of my nose, realizing how close we had become. The fact that we could joke around and check in on each other.

“Well then… hang up. You said you’d arrive soon.”

Lee Jihoon gave a straightforward response to my awkward conclusion.

-Okay.

Just as he was about to end the call, he brought the phone back to his ear.

-…Don’t ride your bike with him.

He was saying something I missed the beginning of, so I asked again as before. What did you say? After a brief silence, Lee Jihoon stated again.

-Don’t ride a bike with that guy.

I looked at Kang Youngsoo completely engrossed in the game and asked, perplexed.

“Why?”

After a brief pause, Lee Jihoon soon replied cheekily.

-He has a cucumber allergy.

Before I could refute him, the call was abruptly cut off. I looked at the phone in disbelief and murmured a beat late.

“That crazy bastard….”

Kang Youngsoo, who had asked my mother for permission to stay the night while she was working at the supermarket today, was in high spirits after eating the delicious barbecued meat that my grandfather had grilled. Once the rain let up, he quickly grabbed his pajamas from home and got ready for bed without delay. As soon as our eyes met after I came out of the shower, he excitedly patted the pillow next to him, urging me to lie down beside him. With a face mask he had borrowed from his younger sister, he rolled his eyes, seemingly a world apart from other boys his age. I wasn’t sure if it was normal for kids to act like this if they had little sisters or long-term girlfriends, or if it was just him. When he asked if I wanted to try, I shook my head quickly and turned off the light before he could ask again.

The inside and outside of the house felt damp, probably because it rained all day. Thanks to my grandfather bringing out the fans from the storage to drive away the humid air, the sound of fans circulating could be heard everywhere. There was one in my grandfather’s room, one facing my room, and one on the porch. The fan in my room was at least the newest, so it made the least noise.

Listening to the sound of the fans as they whirred a little apart from each other made me close my eyes.

“Are you going to sleep right away?”

Just as I was about to, I turned my head and found Kang Youngsoo tightly at my side. He was even closer than usual. With Kang Youngsoo, who is taller than most of our peers, lying beside me, the room felt even smaller than ever.

“…Can you move a bit further away?”

I regretted it the moment I said it.

“I don’t want to, I don’t want to! I don’t wanna spend this night like that!”

Kang Youngsoo was the type who would only say such things and not back down. As I looked down at the round back of his head, which was digging into my waist, I loosened my body. Based on experience, I knew that if I didn’t react, he would get bored and fall asleep faster.

As expected, Kang Youngsoo quickly lost interest and dozed off. The expression on his face, now back in his usual spot, still bore the mask. In the dark, he resembled an egg ghost. I closed my eyes once more. I knew this was not the end.

“If you have something to say, talk with your eyes closed, okay? With your eyes closed.”

That way, the chances of falling asleep would increase. Fortunately, Kang Youngsoo seemed to really like my suggestion, continuing to chatter away with his eyes still closed.

“Actually, before I met you, I found your grandfather a bit scary?”

He spoke as if he were whispering; it must have had a reason. I peeked with one eye open to check on my grandfather’s back, who was across the room. He didn’t need to whisper; the sound of the fan was louder than his voice, and tonight he seemed to be sleeping early, his back rising and falling steadily. I was sure he wouldn’t hear, so I asked Kang Youngsoo.

“Why?”

“Just. Even when all the villagers are gathered, he only nods his head without saying anything other than what is necessary for real. When I said hi with our pig from home, he only nodded stiffly.”

It wasn’t hard to imagine. Kang Youngsoo, who usually enjoyed chatting with anyone, might have found my grandfather difficult to approach. Kang Youngsoo added quietly. Because he was pressed closer to me, my arm felt warm.