FBF chapter 17 part 4

“F*. Get lost.”

At those words, the guy’s eyes turned viciously. This time, I couldn’t help but smile.

This could be seen as a waiting game. The one who endures the ridiculousness and stays seated the longest wins. The punk, who has nothing but arrogance, has never been able to endure even this light mockery, and his anger was evident as he was about to explode. Ji Seon-uk, watching the guy glare at me, slowly stood up with his tray in hand. It was only after seeing them walk towards the leftover food bin that I decided to get up.

Keeping them in sight, I walked slowly. To me, the patience of that punk was laughable. Of course, it’s obvious. He pretends to endure for Ji Seon-uk, but in reality, he never sacrifices anything for him.

* * *

Among the two people who had been crying in each other’s arms in the loud clam clamoring of the grilled clam restaurant, it was my youngest uncle who first regained his composure and came looking for me. As if searching for a cigarette, he kept patting his chest, and soon, with a dismayed expression, he slumped down next to me. Both of us squatted and stared out at the sea. It was my uncle who spoke first.

“Hun, should I order more shrimp?”

“No need.”

“Why? Are you too lazy to peel it? Uncle will peel it for you.”

My youngest uncle, trying to coax me like a child, seemed surprisingly immature for his age. Every time I saw him like that, I remembered my mom, who would always shake her head in concern, wondering how he managed to get through military service with such behavior. My mom and uncle don’t share any resemblance. Still, when my uncle acts this warmly, it often reminds me of my mom. The tired expression of my dad, who was slumped over the table almost face down, was likely a reminder of her for my uncle as well.

As is common in most clam restaurants, the sea lay right in front of us. It’s a sea I see just a bit further from home, but the clamoring atmosphere gave it a different feel altogether. After watching the sea moving alone in the dark, I turned back to my uncle, who was now busy trying to placate my cousin.

“Did you break up with that sister?”

I could imagine my dad needed an excuse to cry, but normally, my uncle would have been busy refilling my dad’s glass. I was somewhat surprised to see him crying along. Finding the finger that used to wear the ring he’d kept on for over five years gone was sheer coincidence. But seeing my uncle cry uncontrollably made me suspicious, and when he made a face that showed he was completely sober after hearing my question, I became certain. My uncle’s girlfriend, who had once visited my mom in the hospital, came to mind. My mom had been so excited, saying she hoped they’d get married in spring as soon as they left.

My uncle sniffed and suddenly straightened his shoulders, trying to play it cool, but the moment our eyes met, he looked awkward as if realizing all of it was pointless.

“Can you tell?”

“Yes.”

Although there was a significant age gap with my mom, my uncle didn’t look that grown up for a man in his late thirties. This was evident from how easily he showed his emotions in front of me. He was fumbling for excuses, looking like a kid who wanted to justify his actions, and then spoke without hiding it any longer.

“That sister went abroad to study.”

“Studying abroad?”

“To Germany.”

“You broke up just because she went abroad? You could follow her. Or have a long-distance relationship.”

“I think she doesn’t want me to follow her.”

“…….”

“A person can chase after what they like, but when they want to leave something they love behind to go off alone, it becomes suffocating. But it seems like she didn’t feel that way, so I suggested we break up. I wanted her to go and live happily without any burdens in her heart.”

My uncle stood up and stretched, still lost in thought. He reached out and ruffled my hair.

“I’m talking nonsense while leaving my child, who hasn’t even graduated high school, alone.”

“…Are you aware?”

“Of course, kids these days are so used to arguing back. Hey? Are you still tying yourself to a desk and studying?”

“When was that? Back then, I was just trying to develop a habit. I don’t do that anymore.”

“Is that so? They say your grades have improved a lot recently.”

“If you’re impressed, will you give me some spending money?”

With a teasing gesture, he dropped several bills in my hands. It was a joke, and I didn’t actually want to take it. I was unsure whether to accept it or not, but my uncle smiled and lifted me off my seat, stuffing the bills into my pants pocket.

“That sister was worried you were too focused on baseball and that your study skills were nonexistent, but looking at you now, it seems her worries were unnecessary.”

“…….”

“Just keep doing like you are now. Don’t look back, keep moving forward, and live the life you want. Don’t worry; I’ll make sure to take good care of your dad. Got it?”

After tapping my shoulder again, my uncle looked relieved, as if he’d stated everything he wanted. When our eyes met, he ruffled my hair again and held his phone to his ear while walking towards the clam restaurant.

“Yeah. I’m trying to call a driver.”

Watching my uncle’s back as he mimicked a relatively calm tone for his still red face, I turned my head back to the sea. I thought about what my uncle had said. About the heart that can let someone go and the heart that can leave someone behind.

My dad drinks as if it’s nothing and still gets up at dawn to gather his fishing gear. Listening to his mumblings, it seems he has promised to go fishing with the old man. Guessing he would be headed to the old man’s house, I hurried to dress and followed my dad out. Perhaps because it had happened a few times before, my dad didn’t even ask why I was following him, and the old man just glanced at me as I arrived. The two of them were quick, taking less than five minutes to gather their icebox and leave.

Before they left, I stuffed the money Ji Seon-uk had given me for a meal into my pants pocket as I climbed up onto the porch. With my dad and the old man bustling around, I looked out only to find Ji Seon-uk was really still asleep.

“…….”

Did he study late? He’s normally not the type to sleep in.

I was staring at him in shock, standing in the doorway, but then I hurriedly tiptoed away as he startled awake. I grabbed the phone plugged into the charger to silence the alarm, then quickly turned to look back. Seeing his serene face, soundly asleep despite the sudden alarm, my heart calmed down. After turning off the additional alarm that was set to go off in ten minutes, I placed the phone back where it was.

It was already eerily quiet in the room with the normally quiet boy now asleep. After a moment of hesitation, I sat down on the threshold. Here, I wouldn’t feel like I had intruded without permission, but I could also steal glances at Ji Seon-uk while he slept.

“…Aren’t you hot? Should I turn on the fan?”

I knew full well he wouldn’t answer, but I asked it anyway. Still getting no response, I briefly stared at his sleeping face before going to fetch the fan in the living room. I directed the fan towards his sweaty white forehead.

Somehow, I felt like even if Ji Seon-uk were awake, he wouldn’t say it was hot.

He probably thinks asking someone for help is akin to dying. I know he’s inherently capable of handling everything by himself, which makes him never feel the need to ask. But I sometimes think that his unwillingness to let others in could be a learned behavior. I wonder if he’s so good at pretending not to be lonely that I might not notice; I’m forced to pay attention since he doesn’t speak up.

Still… I feel like Ji Seon-uk is happier now than before.

‘Happy?’

Because I’m the one sticking around just to see whether Ji Seon-uk is happy.

With my arm stretched behind me, I looked down at him. When was the last time I saw him lying in this room? The first thing that sprang to mind was the sound of rain pattering against my ear. That made me focus more intently to hear his breathing, only just audible beneath the rhythmic sounds: every proof that Ji Seon-uk was alive and well next to me.

Despite solving countless problems since then, those memories remained vividly in my mind. However, I can confidently say I’ve never tried to solve that problem again.

“…Hey.”

But just like my uncle said last night, when I think about the things I’ve left behind, that problem sometimes comes to mind. And then I think to myself, thankful I chose the right answer back then. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t even be able to be here like this now. I hadn’t tried hard enough to hold onto him, and so I hadn’t lost him either.

Instead of entering the room, I lightly perched myself on the threshold and thought about what I had safeguarded, hoping for a gentle breeze from the fan to brush over Ji Seon-uk’s hair in the meantime. At the end of those thoughts, as they often do, I found myself making a familiar request.

“If you’re hot, make sure to tell me to turn on the fan.”

You got it. I don’t want anything else from you.

Breathing in deeply and closing my eyes, I felt the difference in the scent of the air in Ji Seon-uk’s room at eighteen compared to when he was sixteen. The smell of the wind, devoid of saltiness, felt like blue ocean air soaked in sunlight.

After letting him sleep a little longer, I thought it’d be nice to eat together and maybe ride bicycles for the first time in a while. Ji Seon-uk would probably generously allow for that too.

* * *

Even though the teachers saw Choi Hyuk-jun and me fighting right before their eyes, they immediately placed us in the same room as soon as the situation was somewhat under control. The small room had a transparent window that allowed people outside to see inside, located a little way from the staff room. Sitting in the middle of the staff room to discuss punishment wouldn’t do, and it wouldn’t make sense to send back the kids who had just been rolling around on the cafeteria floor, so it seemed they wanted to isolate us somewhere visible. As evidence of that, I could see the physical education teacher sitting right outside our room, glancing in through the transparent window every three minutes or so with a heavy sigh. Judging from his expression, he seemed to expect more from me than from Choi Hyuk-jun, watching me with a darker look.

Because we were intentionally turned away from each other, I couldn’t see Choi Hyuk-jun’s face. Still, I could hear him occasionally spitting bloodied saliva onto the floor. It was amusing how he couldn’t erase the thug tendencies that led him to spit indoors, and now he didn’t seem to care that it was obvious he had been caught.

Unable to hold back, I let out a slight laugh, only to feel a sharp pain at the corner of my lips. When I touched it with my fingertips, blood began to stain. Since there was no tissue around, it seemed better to just wait and clean it all at once later. Instead, I leaned towards the boy in a similar state and spoke.

“I knew from the first time I saw you at this school that it’d come to this.”

The spitting abruptly stopped.

“What’s there to brag about, still being under Park Cheol-seung as a lackey? I saw you acting like you owned the place as soon as you tried to act like you knew me.”

“…….”

“That’s why I warned you. Did you not hear a single word of it?”

I discreetly moved my lips, ensuring the physical education teacher couldn’t speculate that I was talking to Choi Hyuk-jun. He, too, didn’t seem to catch on. It appeared that he had finally managed to shift his attention from us, despite having been keeping a watchful eye on us since the incident began. Unlike when he casually left his seat during class to take a phone call, it seemed he was genuinely concerned we might start something again while he wasn’t looking. However, after glancing back at us sitting quietly, he finally stood up from his seat.

Avoiding the physical education teacher’s gaze, I checked the clock mounted on the wall. Lunch was from 12:30 to 1:30, and right now it was already 1:55. This meant about thirty minutes had passed since the fifth-period class started, and according to what the teachers had said earlier, the health teacher was set to return by 2:00 after taking care of some lunch errands. Considering how frantic the teachers had been, urging him to inform the health teacher about our faces, it was likely he would be summoned here as soon as he returned.

So that left us with a maximum of five minutes, under the assumption the physical education teacher wouldn’t return sooner than expected. Once I made up my mind, I opened my mouth.

“Do you have a fetish for being abandoned?”

As I turned my head, I locked eyes with the punk, his lips bleeding as he faced me in a similar state.

“…If you want to get hit some more, keep talking.”

It was hilarious to see him pretending to play cool while forcing himself not to extend his fist resting on his knees, now trembling to his chin. I was half-expecting it, but it turned out to be genuine. The fact that he had been faking proximity to Ji Seon-uk likely stemmed from a similar reason to mine: he couldn’t draw Ji Seon-uk into his world, so he tried to orbit around him instead, not wanting to be cast away.

Yet he had left himself exposed, and noticing that Ji Seon-uk wanted to distance himself drove him mad.

“I thought you were just pretending to flirt, finally mimicking someone. But I never knew you were actually trying so hard to get discarded.”

“Shut up.”

“So how do you feel right now? Thrilled?”

Now, this punk was trembling to the point of shaking his jaw. Even if he tried to pretend, his eyes had already partly rolled back in his head. Despite that, it was amusing to see him grabbing his fists and holding back. After all that, he still wanted to remain at this school.

After touching Ji Seon-uk like that.

You got him trembling, a kid without an ounce of fear… this bastard.

I didn’t know what kind of threats he used to keep himself in check against the police while not freaking out at Park Cheol-seung, but from what he said about the old man, I could guess. Imagining just how cruel and despicable the words he had used against Ji Seon-uk were—which must have cut deep enough to provoke tears—my mind’s lightbulbs flickered non-stop. At the cafeteria earlier, one of those bulbs had burned out at a destructive speed. But seeing how everything had developed, I knew that couldn’t happen again. Such reckless behavior would be harmful to both me and Ji Seon-uk. I barely swallowed my emotions and instead laughed.

“Congrats. You got tossed away by the last person who could save you.”

The moment my words ended, I felt my collar being grabbed. As I obediently let myself be caught, I glanced at the clock in the air. More precisely, the clock visible behind Choi Hyuk-jun. The hour and minute hands pointed to the time. The kid, whose eyes were about to roll back, wouldn’t know, but footsteps had already begun to echo in the hallway. The wall clock had long passed 2:00.

“Choi Hyuk-jun! What do you think you’re doing right now?”

With a heavy sound, as my chin twisted in a different direction, the physical education teacher rushed to swing the door open. Behind him, the trembling eyes of the health teacher landed on my cheek. I wiped the blood flowing from my utterly torn lips with the back of my hand as I turned my head away. Choi Hyuk-jun, held by the physical education teacher, was finally released from me. Only then did the boy realize what had happened as he finally recognized my intention, turning pale as a ghost. The teachers had missed the moment when the fight broke out in the cafeteria. With our silent protest, they couldn’t determine the reason for the fight, so they’d probably just chalk it up as a conflict among peers. However, what they just witnessed could hardly be classified as a fight. It seemed obvious to anyone that this kid had been the one attacking me unilaterally.

I discarded my smile, which had become unnecessary, and watched as Choi Hyuk-jun was dragged away. As he left the room, his gaze still fixated on me, I mouthed the words for him.

“Get lost.”

From Ji Seon-uk’s life. In his sturdy world, where there’s no need for protection from someone like you.

Or else, I’ll kill you.

I had never once imagined seeing Ji Seon-uk cry. In fact, I never even wished for it. I just wanted him to smile; I never wanted him to cry.

“Didn’t you say you wouldn’t cause trouble, you little punk?”

It’s only natural for everyone to have different facial expressions when crying, but Ji Seon-uk cried in a way I had never seen before. He neither avoided the eyes of the one who made him cry like Kang Young-soo nor trembled like my dad, nor did he mix his sobs with his voice like my uncle. He cried while looking at the person who wronged him, as if trying to point out the mistake.

“Without a shred of fear, you crazy bastard… did you think I’d praise you for that?”

“…….”

“The uncle came running while working, you little punk. If you weren’t careful, you could’ve been suspended. Model UN? Military academy? Quit messing around. No matter how well you’ve lived in school, or raised your grades! Your homeroom teachers will never recommend you for those again. Who would recommend a kid just rolling around in the cafeteria?”

In the midst of it all, I found it amusing that he was worried about our dad or the Model UN. It made no sense that my dad, who treats the grandfather like a parent, would be scolding him for fighting on behalf of the grandfather’s grandson, and the Model UN was definitely not a topic that should have come up in this situation. In fact, I was a little moved. I’d thought he’d hate me for fighting like a thug, but I never expected him to actually come pick me up like this.

“Write a reflection paper while I’m still being nice. If you don’t write it, I will.”

Especially since it was the first time seeing him cry, I found it hard to look away. Maybe I was just being irritable, but Ji Seon-uk pulled the paper towards him. Only then did words finally come out.

“Wow, in my lifetime, I actually get to see Ji Seon-uk cry.”

As I pulled the paper closer, I glanced at Ji Seon-uk once more. His cheeks were already drenched.

I had seen a roll of tissues earlier when I came in. Oh, it’s right there. I grabbed the paper and picked up the tissue that had been left on the chair beside me.

“Oh, I got it. I got it. You just have to write it.”

“…Hurry up and write it. The physical education teacher said he would lock the door in thirty minutes.”

“I guess the physical education teacher hates me now. Yesterday, he was ready to bribe me if I wanted.”

For the first time, Ji Seon-uk’s expression changed. Watching him openly display disbelief, I quickly leaned down to grab a tissue. A single tear that had rolled off his startled face hung at the tip of his chin. Before it fell, I wiped it away and felt relieved that he was, after all, the type to cry so rarely.

I felt grateful that I could be someone who could do this for him purely out of friendship.

“Did you know? An airplane can still fly even when an engine fails.”

Honestly, I thought this as I faced the reflection paper, which I had no desire to write. Even while attending the same school, there are things I won’t know unless you tell me, so how would I know how you’re doing when you go to a different college?

“When one engine fails, you just land at the nearest airport for an inspection. Even if both engines fail, it can still fly for a while like a glider.”

“…That sounds cool.”

“Yeah. That’s what I like the most. Just moving forward somehow seems like my life.”

But when I think about it, you’ll always have two engines while I’m just a kid. You won’t need to look back; you’ll just keep moving forward, and that should be fine.

I think it would be nice just to check if you’re flying well from the side. Even though we’ll be flying in different skies, at least we’ll know we’re both flying right next to each other.