FBF chapter 5 part 4

The meaningless prank continued until we reached the end of the stone wall path. As Lee Jihoon had said in front of the tteokbokki restaurant, it really felt like he had brought me right to my doorstep. The long mirror, seemingly discarded in front of Grandma Baek’s house directly across from the gate, reflected both Lee Jihoon and me. Neither of us could be seen above our necks. Our heights surpassed the mirror’s edge. Remembering the growing pains that had woken me up in the early morning every now and then recently, I instinctively cleared my throat. Perhaps because of my voice changing, it sometimes felt unfamiliar to me. That aside, I completely turned my body toward Lee Jihoon and asked.

“Do you have something to say to me?”

Only then did the sound of footsteps stop. Lee Jihoon, who had been walking languidly three steps behind, came to a halt. One of his cheeks was puffed out from the lollipop he was chewing. The candy had moved from his left cheek to his right. As I watched this meaningless sight, Lee Jihoon shrugged at me.

“I don’t.”

It was hard to understand him because he spoke with the candy still in his mouth. By the way, I couldn’t figure out why he was acting so cute all of a sudden. He wasn’t cute at all.

Looking at Lee Jihoon with a frown, I chose not to continue this meaningless verbal battle and opened the blue gate to greet him.

“Yeah. Fine. Go ahead then.”

“Hey.”

I paused, turning back as I entered through the gate. Lee Jihoon stood exactly where he had been earlier. It seemed he finally pulled the candy from his mouth as his voice became clear.

“Don’t you have something to say to me?”

He asked out of the blue and waited as if I naturally had something to say, and that he should hear it.

Something to say? If I had anything to say, it wouldn’t have made sense for you to follow me all the way here. I had gotten home immediately after getting off the bus! But the expression on Lee Jihoon’s face made me hesitate to say that. Perhaps that was the most effective strategy. Usually, the one who has more to lose will end up spilling the beans.

“……”

“……”

The problem was that Lee Jihoon seemed to be thinking the same thing. Thanks to this, the silence dragged on. The first one to break the tension was Lee Jihoon, who was not so much annoyed as he was grumbling.

“Woo, you’re just going to completely ignore me.”

I wondered when I had ignored him all of a sudden. I was even listening to his absurd comments without understanding.

I had no choice but to counter his ridiculous statement.

“When did I ignore you?”

“Just now.”

With that nonsensical answer, Lee Jihoon advanced closer to me and grabbed the doorknob of the gate, pulling it back closed. Then he tugged me forward as if to pull me along.

“Hey. Come here. The old man will hear.”

I froze at the mention of ‘the old man.’ Before closing the gate, I sneaked a peek through the crack to confirm that my grandfather was indeed home.

But had he already come back? It seemed a little earlier than usual. Was something going on?

As I was about to turn around, Lee Jihoon impatiently yanked my arm, halting my movement. He lifted my wrist only after leading me to a spot where we could see the blue gate.

I wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but it appeared he wanted to ensure my grandfather wouldn’t hear us. With a frown, I gazed at Lee Jihoon, who was acting out this incomprehensible charade. The reason I had willingly followed him here in the first place was simply out of curiosity about that behavior, so I thought it was time for Lee Jihoon to explain.

“Hey.”

Lee Jihoon opened the conversation properly this time, calling my name instead of throwing out another meaningless question. Behind him, the sea was visible. It was an intense summer, rapidly approaching. The long sun cast shadows across the water.

“So….”

I barely managed to tear my gaze from the shimmering water’s surface and focused on Lee Jihoon instead. Sunlight broke over him, appearing as if an egg yolk had cracked above his head. Yet, there wasn’t a trace of any sticky liquid on his face. While we were both undergoing growth spurts, Lee Jihoon’s face looked more rugged than smooth. Whenever I faced him like this, I naturally thought about how he was going through the same phase as me. So, some days I felt like I was looking down at him, while other days it felt equal, and sometimes like he was looking down at me, like now. I straightened my back, and just by that small adjustment, our eye levels aligned more closely again.

Lee Jihoon, who had been so assertive calling me earlier, hesitated for some reason now. But the moment our eyes met, that hesitation felt like a mere illusion as he went expressionless. He tilted his head slightly to the side and asked.

“I heard you’re transferring back to Seoul.”

After a brief moment of surprise, I began to search for the lollipop that Lee Jihoon had been chewing on earlier. As I subtly turned my head, I spotted the abandoned lollipop casually thrown on top of a trash bag next to a telephone pole. Although its size remained nearly unchanged, the sweet scent wafting from Lee Jihoon, who had just opened his mouth, confirmed it was strawberry flavored. While I was busy with that, Lee Jihoon continued to gaze silently at me. I sighed softly and scratched my forehead.

Only then did I understand why he had made that comment about me ignoring him. Somehow, even though I had never mentioned it until two weeks ago, Lee Jihoon seemed to know I was transferring right after the final exams, which apparently annoyed him since I hadn’t brought it up earlier.

Memories of my friends’ responses when they had heard I had transferred to Taean overnight last winter surfaced in my mind. “You could’ve at least told us.” When that memory crossed my mind, overlaying with Lee Jihoon’s recent words, I couldn’t help but awkwardly groan. Ah…

“How did you know?”

Lee Jihoon slightly furrowed his brows, as if displeased that I chose to answer that question first. However, he soon freely revealed.

“I overheard teachers talking in the staff room after they called me in about the foreign school application.”

The image of the math teacher glancing at me during that time when my homeroom teacher called me in about it resurfaced. A student who had transferred twice in just one semester must be an intriguing topic for teachers. I could easily imagine Lee Jihoon, who had been spending almost all his time in the staff room lately, eavesdropping on such conversations as they passed by. Having understood, I glanced at Lee Jihoon’s face as if I had just realized it, just like how that math teacher had looked at me.

“Oh… is that so?”

Now that I understood, I felt guilty. I could empathize with Lee Jihoon’s feelings for asking me that in vain, knowing full well the situation. Though I hadn’t known Kang Youngsoo and Lee Jihoon for that long, we had practically stuck together for almost a whole semester. We commuted together, ate lunch together…. It was something I had shared with my friends back in Seoul, but when I left, their faces didn’t haunt me, yet as I was leaving here, the faces of Lee Jihoon and Kang Youngsoo came to mind. For that reason, I found it hard to bring up the subject with them.

Just the moment of saying goodbye made it feel all too real.

Kang Youngsoo would probably pretend to cry. But he wouldn’t actually cry. As for Lee Jihoon… I wasn’t sure what he would say. The thoughts I’d had as I tossed and turned all night the previous night resurfaced.

Even as I pondered and couldn’t voice these thoughts, perhaps it was better to be caught like this. Given how things had turned out, I decided to be honest. It felt like Lee Jihoon was expecting it from me.

“It must’ve been ridiculous for you. Sorry I didn’t tell you in advance.”

Lee Jihoon raised an eyebrow slightly. He seemed surprised that I would apologize so quickly. However, he didn’t stop me. So I continued to pour out my thoughts. Perhaps because this was something I had been contemplating for days while unable to focus on the conversations with Kang Youngsoo and Lee Jihoon, it came out easier than I had thought.

“It was a sudden decision. My parents’ divorce proceedings just ended, and my mom decided to take me….”

It struck me anew that Lee Jihoon was different from my friends in Seoul. The fact that I could talk about my parents’ divorce so casually with Lee Jihoon, a topic I couldn’t bring up with my Seoul friends said enough.

“I’m actually still not entirely convinced, so it’s hard to explain.”

“……”

“But I meant to tell you before next week. You guys will probably be busy because of exams.”

Having finally voiced the words I had hesitated to say even in my imagination, I continued.

“I’ll contact you after I go to Seoul. You guys can come over anytime if that’s okay. Of course, I won’t be able to see you as often as now… but that doesn’t mean I won’t see you forever.”

After silently listening, Lee Jihoon moved closer to me. Unlike me, who stood in front of the stone wall, he leaned back against it, remaining silent for a while. After a moment, he opened his mouth, still staring at the sea like I had earlier.

“Contact me?”

I nodded. Lee Jihoon peered at me and shook his head. He huffed as if to say, “Come on, I don’t think you’re going to.”

His expression had changed drastically from when he questioned me earlier, now teasing me as if he were mocking. Still, I was relieved he didn’t seem hurt like before. Just then, my apprehension resolved, I smiled incredulously and turned my body toward Lee Jihoon.

“What makes you say that? It was me who said I would contact you first!”

Lee Jihoon’s gaze lingered a bit longer on me. For a moment, before he again turned his eyes to the sea, he shrugged.

“Just. A feeling?”

That was a highly subjective statement, making it hard to argue against. Without looking back at me, Lee Jihoon continued.

“For either me or Kang Youngsoo to visit Seoul, that’d have to be when we go to college there. By that time, you’ll probably be a faint memory to us, right? And we too?”

“……”

“Even if by some chance we contact each other, what would we have to talk about based on just a short semester we spent together in middle school? Even if we meet for a meal, there wouldn’t really be any reason to see each other afterward.”

“……”

“And you coming down here? That’s not likely either because….”

Lee Jihoon’s ideas on our future were perhaps too plausible and made me speechless for a moment. After a brief pause, Lee Jihoon looked back at me.

“You’ve never stepped foot here in 15 years. That’s why the townspeople were all excited to see the fact that the grandson came back to an old man’s home.”

Lee Jihoon was right. Hence the hazy feeling that lingered.

After finishing his statement, Lee Jihoon stood up from where he was leaning against the wall.

“What did your grandfather say?”

“…What about?”

“Didn’t he say anything about you leaving?”

I cupped my lips in thought. It struck me how easily Lee Jihoon asked about my grandfather. He knew him better than I did. Sometimes, that made me envious, and it was daunting at times.

Letting out a sigh, I shook my head.

“…I don’t know because we haven’t talked about it.”

“Your grandpa doesn’t know you’re leaving?”

“No, he probably knows. He seems to have been in touch with my mom….”

“But.”

“Since my mom visited, he hasn’t talked to me much. He doesn’t even ask when I’m leaving.”

“You and your grandpa are remarkably alike.”

That was an unexpected remark. Regardless, Lee Jihoon blocked my path again, just as before. Then he grabbed my shoulders and shook me back and forth.

“Just have a conversation, okay? Ask your grandpa if he knows you’re leaving and if it’s okay.”

“……”

“If you don’t say anything, how would you know what each other is thinking? Maybe your grandpa has been living that way for so long that he can’t be fixed, but if you’re like that too… what then?”

I couldn’t shake off Lee Jihoon just as I would usually do with witty retorts or how Kang Youngsoo would act. In the midst of giving advice, he looked at me in a concerned manner.

It felt as if Lee Jihoon thought of me even more than I had anticipated.

“Don’t space out in between conversations. If Kang Youngsoo found out that you can’t even focus on him, then you’ve really fell.”

Everything was unexpected, and I didn’t know how to react. Confused, I raised my gaze only after the shaking subsided. The moment I inadvertently locked eyes with the bright sun behind Lee Jihoon, I squinted. After blinking a few times, I finally met Lee Jihoon’s gaze. He looked surprised as if he hadn’t realized how close we were.

“……”

“……”

I relaxed my grip on my shoulders. Expecting him to pull away from me, he instead acted differently from what I anticipated. Rather than taking a step back, he cracked a grin. His mouth stretched wide, revealing dimples on his cheeks in a beaming smile.

“Seems like you really can’t focus on the conversation but you did manage to eat tteokbokki?”

Lee Jihoon placed his hand on my cheek and, using the tip of his thumb, firmly rubbed an area somewhere between my cheek and lips. Realizing it was a gesture to clean something off, I hurriedly raised my hand to wipe my cheek. Still, Lee Jihoon stopped me.

“Hey. It’s fine. I’ll clean it….”

“I’m done, stupid. Just stay still.”

With that, Lee Jihoon brushed my cheek again. After his proclamation, he finally withdrew his hand, and only then did I realize there was nothing on my cheek to begin with.

Everything Lee Jihoon did today felt strange. It was as if he were casually doing the kinds of things I hadn’t even received from a girlfriend.

Be that as it may, Lee Jihoon stepped back as if there was nothing more to do. He gestured toward the blue gate.

“Go inside. Have a chat with the old man.”

As I watched him turn away and descend the stone wall path, I turned my own head. Just as Lee Jihoon said, I had to go home. However, at that moment, I wasn’t even sure if I could have a conversation with my grandfather.

The moment I opened the gate, I spotted my grandfather’s back. Beside the space where my grandfather and I lived together was a small door. It led into a cool, dry storage space filled with unused items, yet it was completely free of dust. That was all thanks to my grandfather, who always seemed busy tidying it up whenever he had spare time. He was a meticulous person. I recalled how the items in the storage were neatly arranged like those on supermarket shelves when I had once followed him in. Today, even as he returned home early, he would be spending time dealing with remnants of the past.

My past would also soon mix into that memory, like the spoon I would leave behind or the exercise books I had completed.

Watching my grandfather’s back, I chose my words carefully, though I knew it wasn’t really worth it.

“I’m back.”

My grandfather, initially unmoving, finally turned upon hearing the sound of the door opening. His eyes scanned my face before they traced down to my school uniform, a habitual gesture whenever he saw me after school. Satisfied it was nothing out of the ordinary, he responded gruffly.

“Yeah.”

His head turned back around. Typically, that would signify the end of the conversation, but perhaps due to what I had heard from Lee Jihoon earlier, my feet wouldn’t move. When some time passed and I remained outside, my grandfather turned back, seeming puzzled. The moment our eyes met, the words I had been holding in tumbled out.

“On the day of the vacation ceremony.”

I suddenly realized that my grandfather might not know when the vacation ceremony was, so I hurriedly added, “I mean, in two weeks from now.”

My grandfather listened quietly. He didn’t ask what that was supposed to mean. Seeing his expression devoid of any emotion made me feel embarrassed, realizing I was the only one feeling this sudden sense of separation, but I continued to push on.

“My mom… she seems like she’s going to come pick me up. Here.”

I couldn’t bear to look at my grandfather’s expressionless face, so I lowered my eyes to the gloves he was wearing. He might have taken it lightly but I knew that this wasn’t the case for me.

I was just glad it was her who came to find me when I felt I wouldn’t be able to stay with either my dad or mom. Even if my mom had requested it, I didn’t want to reduce all the things my grandfather had done for me to just a matter of obligation. Even if to him, I might have been an annoying burden, he had been a solid support for me.

“I know I’ve probably put you through a lot of trouble and irritation….”

“…….”

“I really appreciate how you made sure I didn’t feel any of it.”

As I completed my sentence, I felt a lump in my throat. An emotion rushed up from the depths of my heart, somewhere I hadn’t even realized was there. It was at this moment, while expressing my gratitude, that the reality of my departure began to sink in.

In two weeks, I wouldn’t even get to say such things. He wouldn’t be by my side then.

‘You’ve never set foot here in 15 years. That’s why the townsfolk were all agitated when the grandson showed up at the former old man’s house.’

In that moment, Lee Jihoon’s words came back to me.

“I’ll keep in touch, for sure.”

If I stayed any longer, I felt I might actually cry. Still unable to meet my grandfather’s eyes, I hastily took off my shoes and stepped onto the wooden floor. I exhaled only after closing the door behind me. Almost immediately, I met the gaze of my father’s graduation photo hanging in the room.

‘Somehow, someone who grew up in the same place was just waiting to leave for Seoul.’

‘……’

‘Another person feels like they want to stay here longer.’

‘……’

‘Isn’t it interesting? Considering that those two are in a father-son relationship.’

It was when I finally understood the seemingly random words my mother had spoken.

My dad and I were entirely different people. For instance, I wasn’t looking forward to leaving for Seoul at all. I didn’t want to leave my grandfather behind here alone. It was the first time since entering this room that I directed words toward my father.

“How could you have done that?”

How could he have treated my grandfather as if he had never existed in his life?

Even I, who had only spent six months with him, couldn’t imagine doing something like that.

* * *

Kang Youngsoo was overly preoccupied with the fact that I was leaving soon. Whenever we met at the station in the morning, he would count down the days with a forlorn expression.

“Just one week until Seon-uk completely leaves….”

Sometimes it felt overwhelming. Whenever I felt like saying something like “Stop that,” I would encounter the glistening corners of his eyes. As expected, Kang Youngsoo pretended to cry the moment he heard I was leaving, but according to information obtained from Lee Jihoon’s younger sister, he had apparently also cried for real at home. After hearing that, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of discomfort from how he came by to show off during breaks. In such a short time, I had grown quite attached to him. Even I didn’t feel great about leaving him behind.

Thanks to that, I ended up doing something I wouldn’t have even imagined doing on a regular day. With finals coming up the day after tomorrow, I closed my books and set off toward the spot Kang Youngsoo had previously reserved to view the Light Festival. As soon as I stood up from my seat, my phone vibrated.

Checking the message, I quickly grabbed the potato chips I’d prepared earlier. The theme for tonight’s gathering that Kang Youngsoo had designated was a snack party. When I stepped out onto the porch, the outside was pitch dark. The dim light from the stand in my room was the only illumination in the darkness. My grandfather had gone to bed early again that night. While I momentarily watched his back with his familiar posture of sleep, I quietly slipped out of the house.

Lee Jihoon, assigned the task of guiding me, was waiting outside. He looked up from his phone upon sensing my presence. I frowned immediately, having realized I was the only one who had prepared anything. This bizarre habit was becoming obvious. Just yesterday, I had lent PE clothes to Kang Youngsoo and a pencil lead to Lee Jihoon. Now, surveying Lee Jihoon’s appearance, who was supposed to bring the snacks Kang Youngsoo had asked for, I spotted the bicycle he had left there. Just then, Lee Jihoon announced with a flair, “Ta-da!”