FBF chapter 4 part 4

“…Is it okay?”

“What?”

“If I just give you my phone like this?”

Even though the situation from yesterday ended that way, I was curious about what confidence they had to act this way. Lee Jihoon, who was walking ahead, replied nonchalantly.

“Yeah. Besides, my dad said to buy a new phone anyway.”

I felt sorry for Lee Jihoon’s father, who would soon have to buy both hair dye and a new phone because of his reckless son. Was it a lack of thought, or was it actually a thought-out plan? I was lost in thought for a moment when Lee Jihoon opened the classroom door.

Ten minutes before the first period started, the class was bustling. Kids were joking and chatting from all directions. Deputy class president Yoo Hye-eun was struggling in the chaos. Standing in front of the teacher’s desk, shaking a piece of paper in the air, her voice was weak and barely audible.

“Hey, everyone, just for a moment! We need to pick two boys and two girls for foot baseball, okay? Sorry, but please focus for a moment!”

Her voice, which seemed to be calling out with all her might, got drowned out by the thumping sounds on the classroom floor. Remembering the homeroom teacher’s instructions to gather those who wanted to participate in the sports festival that would be held a month from now, I decided to help her. It seemed like she was having a hard time because of my summons to the teacher’s office.

However, before I could even move, the classroom fell silent.

“…Ah!”

It all began when one of the kids, who had been playing foot volleyball with a soccer ball in the back, shouted loudly. I think his name was Park Dong-yeon. He was one of the kids who hung out closely with Lee Jihoon. However, the sudden silence had most of the class’s attention pointed not at Park Dong-yeon but at the front of the classroom.

More specifically, it was directed toward Lee Jihoon.

With one of his slippers just thrown at someone as if it was no big deal, he was nonchalantly looking around the class.

“Okay, everyone, focus! I’m the first one, anyone else wants to play foot baseball?”

The atmosphere became strange. Park Dong-yeon, who seemed to be trying to figure out who had thrown the slipper with a fierce glare, suddenly looked horrified when he realized it was Lee Jihoon. The rough actions felt too intense for a joke, while the semi-playful attitude didn’t fit a real fight. The tension heightened, leaving the other kids breathless. Yoo Hye-eun, pale-faced, looked at me. It seemed to ask what we should do, but I remained silent because I trusted Lee Jihoon.

“Ugh, he’s acting up again. That Jihoon kid.”

The one who spoke up quickly from behind Park Dong-yeon was another kid leaning on the lockers. He was the same one I had seen near the incineration plant when I bumped into Lee Jihoon. It made sense why he seemed so close with Jihoon.

“What foot baseball? That’s something girls do.”

At this point, Park Dong-yeon forced a laugh and relaxed his expression. Other boys, who had been just watching, began to laugh and lightly curse at Lee Jihoon, easing the tension as if they had tacitly agreed to let the moment pass by teasing Jihoon.

“Wow. That’s pathetic.”

The problem was that Lee Jihoon didn’t seem inclined to let it go.

“What?”

Even as he faced the one who had been laughing at him with a rigid expression, Lee Jihoon kindly repeated himself.

“I said that’s really pathetic, saying stuff like that.”

He couldn’t have missed the fact that his question was intentional.

“Is there a point in dividing boys and girls in a sport that anyone can play if they have hands and feet?”

“…Hey, Jihoon.”

“Yeah, that’s enough. You don’t have to go out. With that kind of mindset, you’ll just lose. Are you afraid your pride will get hurt?”

It seemed that he genuinely found it pathetic. One of the kids sitting in the side row covered their mouth at Lee Jihoon’s blunt choice of words. The expressions of the boys standing behind him hardened. Ignoring the reactions, Lee Jihoon abruptly turned away. The moment our eyes met, he asked casually.

“Hey, do you want to play foot baseball?”

I hesitated, glancing between Lee Jihoon and the boys behind him, before nodding my head.

“Okay, then you and I. We need two boys for foot baseball.”

Even wearing only one slipper, Lee Jihoon jumped with ease. The kid who had approached the teacher’s desk turned toward Yoo Hye-eun, who stood there looking bewildered.

“Hey.”

“…Uh? Me?”

“Yeah. I’m asking you.”

“Oh… okay.”

“What do you usually give for winning first place? I’ve never participated in anything like this before.”

“Um… I’m not really sure, but I heard they give gift certificates…”

“Gift certificates? Do they give like fifty thousand won or something?”

“…Well, I guess so?”

“Oh. We really have to win then.”

Lee Jihoon’s eyes sparkled. With a more proactive attitude, he pulled the paper Yoo Hye-eun was holding closer to him.

The distance between the two, now standing by the teacher’s desk, felt intimate. Aware of this fact, Yoo Hye-eun’s eyes blinked awkwardly as her cheeks slowly turned red. Even while observing, Lee Jihoon didn’t appear to care about such things as he earnestly asked. His finger poked a spot on the paper that seemed significant in some way.

“Are you good at running?”

“…Me? Why?”

“Do you want to compete in the three-legged race? I’m good at running.”

I could no longer hold back and burst out laughing. Kang Youngsoo was right. Lee Jihoon was infuriating. He didn’t listen to others, charging forward in the direction he wanted with fervor.

Lee Jihoon’s antics continued throughout the day. Due to the indifference to his studies, he brought in the neglected textbooks from his locker since the start of school and sprayed them with the Febreze he borrowed from Yoo Hye-eun. As soon as class was over, he approached the math teacher and, despite not knowing how to solve linear equations, asked seriously how he could understand quadratic equations. During break time, he even declared he had quit smoking when a group of kids approached him to smoke.

‘I’m done with cigarettes.’

‘…Hey, Jihoon. Are you really out of your mind? I heard you messed with Cheol-seung yesterday, but this level is just insane. I felt sorry for you, dragging you around when you had stopped playing baseball, and now suddenly….’

‘Oh, right. I’m truly pathetic, aren’t I? Since I’m hopeless, just let me quit while I’m ahead.’

‘What do you mean quit? Just saying it casually isn’t quitting—’

‘Then what? Should I declare my withdrawal?’

‘No, you bastard….’

‘I’m withdrawing from the group that smokes and aimlessly roams the school, engaging in things a student shouldn’t do. It’s already embarrassing for life that I was in a group like that, but I’ll wake up before it gets more embarrassing.’

‘…….’

‘Is that enough? If you need any more, say it quickly. I have to solve a linear equation. I’m busy as hell.’

The expression of the kid who stood amazed with his mouth hanging open was quite the sight. Regardless, Lee Jihoon finished strong, burying his head in the middle school math reference book he received from the math teacher during break time.

However, nothing compared to this madness.

“…I know you’ve faced tough times, but you can’t just quit like this. Stop being childish and come back.”

“Isn’t the coach the one being childish right now? I clearly said I’m not going.”

I looked down at the bag that had belonged to Lee Jihoon. The moment I heard the voice of the man who had visited the classroom after school, forgotten memories resurfaced.

“Lee Jihoon! What are you doing? Come on!”

“I’m going to get the ball!”

“Just come already!”

I could easily recall the image of Lee Jihoon, running back when he was scolded while waiting right next to the fence to catch a ball. The Jihoon from back then was different from the one now.

Just thinking of his attitude back then was enough to know it wasn’t a setting where he’d be so disrespectful. Lee Jihoon had been equally stern toward the coach who came to persuade him. His demeanor from the morning with the homeroom teacher was drastically different.

Every time Jihoon responded defiantly, the person on the other end was momentarily speechless. It seemed they were putting up with it. I wondered if Lee Jihoon’s skills were outstanding enough that they could hold back. After all, no adult could endure a child throwing a tantrum. Especially when it was said by someone much younger than themselves.

“Jihoon.”

However, he was persistent like someone who sacrifices the small for the sake of a bigger goal. The fact that he kept talking to Lee Jihoon, who clearly had no desire to continue the conversation, showed that determination.

“There’s no one at this middle school who can throw the ball as well as you.”

“…….”

“You know the national competition starts next week, right? The high school coach you wanted to impress will be there too. It’s a great opportunity to catch his eye.”

“…….”

“Damn it, do you think I come to talk to you because someone quits? I’m busy enough with training. Keep your head straight and start right away—”

“Why did you do that?”

“…What?”

For the first time, Lee Jihoon’s voice broke from its monotonous tone. His answer, which had been mechanical until now, turned quickly fierce.

“Why did you have to call my mom to convince her that I should attend the training?”

“…….”

“I told you I’d work twice as hard if you let me skip this practice. I didn’t say I wouldn’t go at all; I just begged the coach to let me go after my mom’s blood pressure returned to normal, right?”

“…Jihoon.”

“There’s no one who can throw the ball like me.”

“…….”

“Of course, that’s true. I come to school 30 minutes early, throwing balls so I won’t be blamed for my sick mom with the coach’s expectations. Have you ever come to see me even once in the morning?”

Noticing the coach’s silence, Jihoon bitterly laughed. I anticipated that he would react that way, so it wasn’t surprising.

“If there’s no one who throws the ball like me… then you shouldn’t have said that to me.”

“…….”

“Why… why did I play baseball?”

“…….”

“Because my mom and dad are happy when I do well. I wanted to see them smile… that’s why I threw the ball!”

“…Jihoon, I understand how you feel. I do.”

“You understand? The day you were being arrogant, my mom died. Do you know that?”

“…….”

“It wasn’t even a game, just a practice match during training camp. What the hell, when my dad contacted you, saying my mom was in bad shape, couldn’t you have said something to me, at least once? If you had, I wouldn’t have taken it this far.”

His voice was filled with anger, gradually calming down. Listening to Jihoon’s irregular breathing, I held onto the straps of the bag tightly. I considered calling someone to end this conversation. Just hearing his breath made me feel his agony.

“Just go back.”

However, Jihoon quickly calmed down. Even separated by the door, I could tell his expression had settled as well.

“Do not come looking for me again. This is all caused by you, coach.”

“…Everyone lives this way.”

“…….”

“You know those kids you admire, who stand in the spotlight showing their faces everywhere? If you look closer, they all have stories like this. But do you think they gave up every time?”

“They succeeded because they didn’t give up.”

“I don’t care. If giving up could bring success, then I won’t do it.”

“Then what will you do? What will a guy who spent his life just playing baseball do now?”

“I can do anything,” he added.

“…….”

“If I work as hard as I did at baseball, I’ll be successful at whatever it is.”

With that, Lee Jihoon forcefully flung the door open. The hallway was quiet with all the students gone. He wasn’t surprised to see me waiting with his school bag in the hallway. Instead, he reached out for it, signaling for me to hand it over.

As I expected, his expression was calm. I could see the coach’s face peeking through the door crack, wearing a dismayed look as he rubbed his face. I quickly averted my gaze from him and handed Lee Jihoon the bag without further comment.

With the bag slung over one shoulder, Lee Jihoon gestured towards the bus stop. I recognized it as an invitation to go, and I followed behind him.

* * *

Lee Jihoon didn’t say a word throughout the bus ride. He looked tired and seemed like he didn’t want to talk to anyone. Although his face showed the swelling had gone down since this morning, I couldn’t help but steal glances at him. The thought of what I could say to comfort him constantly crossed my mind, even if I had no idea how to start.

That coach was such a piece of trash. Good for you.

But are you really okay with quitting baseball?

None of those thoughts seemed appropriate for my mouth to speak openly. Hesitating, I ultimately had to get off at the bus stop without saying anything.

Maybe it was better to give him some time alone at times like this. I lightly tapped him on the shoulder, a sign to go in.

“Hey. Do you want to go to my house and eat ramen?”

When he heard the question, Lee Jihoon turned to check my face, which looked pretty much the same as before. However, everything felt unfamiliar and awkward. Lee Jihoon and I took different alleys to go home. That was always the reason we parted ways at the bus stop. As I stared at the alley behind Lee Jihoon, I nodded. I felt like I needed to be there for him today. After all, my grandfather wouldn’t return for a while, and I was also feeling hungry.

This was my first time visiting Lee Jihoon’s house. When he saw me hesitate, he scolded me for not coming in, then grabbed me by the handle of my bag and dragged me inside. In an instant, I found myself sitting awkwardly in his living room. The house looked slightly more modern than my grandfather’s, resembling the apartment I used to live in. As I looked around at the neatly organized room, I turned my head. The person who carelessly sat me on the sofa had walked into the kitchen. Partly blocked by the dining table at the kitchen entrance, Lee Jihoon’s back busily moved around, seemingly cooking ramen.

I sat there awkwardly for a while, then raised my voice toward the kitchen.

“…Are you alone? What about your dad?”

“He went to work. How would an adult earn money if he just stays home in the middle of the week?”

His indifferent answer caught me off guard. The clock in the living room pointed to 3 PM, making that statement true. Before long, Lee Jihoon approached with both hands holding the pot. Pushing aside the newspapers lying on the floor with his feet, he said quickly as if he were rapping.

“Hey, hey. Put something down on the floor. Hurry up.”

“Uh? Okay.”

I placed the mat beside me on the floor as he instructed. He left again, returning with two utensils in hand.

“Just eat off the lid of the pot.”

Holding the lid he casually handed to me, I observed him devour the ramen. More precisely, I looked at the space where he lived. He said he had been born and raised here. Perhaps it was this reason that reflected so many of Lee Jihoon’s traces in the house. In just a glance, I could see a solo photo of a child in a taekwondo outfit, doing a weird kick, and some photos that were hard to guess where they were taken from. There were many pictures of three people smiling together.

For having working parents who couldn’t stand being in the same room together, I had often sat alone in living rooms like this back in Seoul. I would boil ramen alone and do homework or play games. Lee Jihoon probably did the same. Just like he said, adults had to work to support kids like us. They had to go out to earn money and couldn’t be with us because of it.

The only difference between Jihoon and me was that I had never thought to invite a friend over to that space. I thought it might reveal just how lonely I was. The loneliness I could conceal when alone would unexpectedly emerge when I was with someone. I couldn’t stand the idea of friends seeing traces of my solitude filling the space. And I knew that the brief void they filled would quickly vanish the moment they left. Strangely, it was hard to become numb to that reality unlike anything else.

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you eating?”

While sucking up the noodles, Lee Jihoon looked at me with just his eyes. It seemed hard for him to understand why I was just sitting there, staring at the freshly cooked ramen. After glancing once at the ramen and again at me, he appeared to have figured out why I wasn’t eating.

“Don’t you like a lot of water in your ramen?”

I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Even without knowing why I was laughing, Lee Jihoon continued to hit the lid of the pot with his utensil, speaking like an adult.

“Just eat it, you idiot. They say too much sodium is bad. I was told to eat it blandly, even if just on purpose.”

“Who says that?”

I had never seen anyone my age who thought about sodium levels. My response was casual, yet Lee Jihoon surprisingly hesitated for a long time. The moment our eyes met, he quickly hid his expression and buried his face down.

“My mom.”

I fell silent. Lee Jihoon knew full well the mood had turned heavy, but instead of trailing off his speech, he added on.

“She always nagged me about it and made me cook ramen blandly, and when she would make it for me when I was little, I hated it. I would ask my dad to make it instead.”

While saying that, Lee Jihoon didn’t cry but instead smiled. I turned my gaze from him and focused on the woman in one of the photos on top of the television. The woman, who smiled brightly, had a smile resembling Lee Jihoon’s. Perhaps even the playful nature that slipped out in everyday life could be traced back to her. I instinctively realized that her presence in this space would be inescapable for life. Noticing that I was showing a complicated feeling, Lee Jihoon nudged my thigh playfully. He tried to ease the atmosphere with a smile.

“I actually called you here because of that. Eat this and then take care of what you need to do. So just eat, you idiot.”

Although he didn’t explain further, I didn’t ask more questions and just ate the ramen he cooked. The ramen was certainly bland. Yet, it tasted better than the ramen I had cooked alone in Seoul, measuring the water with precision. I thought that was enough for both Lee Jihoon and me.

As soon as I finished eating, Lee Jihoon told me to wait a moment in the yard while he got something. After a short while, Lee Jihoon came out carrying a box filled with various things. The thin blanket peeking out from the top of the box, along with neatly stacked clothes, was visible.

“What’s all this?”

Hearing my question, Lee Jihoon paused before placing the box down. Instead of peering into the box, I kept my gaze on Jihoon, waiting for his answer. After taking a moment to collect his thoughts, he spoke impassively. He appeared strangely calm.

“My mom’s belongings.”

It made sense, given the circumstances. In turn, I fell silent.

“…I thought belongings were all burned after the funeral.”

“Yeah. But….”

“…….”

“I hid them, scared that my dad would burn them.”

“So now….”

“…I have to burn them. That way, my mom can leave with peace of mind.”

I began to understand why Lee Jihoon had invited me. The stories he was now revealing would be the kind of sorrow he couldn’t share with those who knew him well. Kang Youngsoo and Lee Jihoon’s father would be too heavy a burden to carry for him. Remembering how Kang Youngsoo had cried even more than Jihoon at his mother’s funeral, it became clear to me. Nodding gravely, I looked at Jihoon’s pale toes peeking out from his slippers.

“Do we have to go towards the sea?”

After a moment of stillness, Jihoon slightly nodded his head, enough for only me to see.

The sea was filled with trash. Some were washed ashore, and others came from the village. I heard from Kang Youngsoo that sometimes the residents would take turns picking up the trash along the beach. The collected trash would be taken away by garbage trucks, but sometimes villagers would burn trash by putting kindling in a drum. Remembering the night’s scene I had seen following my grandfather, I watched as Jihoon stopped in front of the drum and sorted the things he had brought, slowly placing them into it. With a face that seemed heavy, Jihoon stacked the items without hesitation, accumulating them as if preparing to burn them all at once. As if he believed that by doing so, he could settle his longing for her all at once.