FBF chapter 21 part 5
by Volare“…Once the surgery is over, let’s go on a trip, the three of us.”
Having watched him whine about never going on a trip just once, I felt regret for not saying these words before this moment came.
“Yeah… let’s definitely go.”
Kang Youngsoo nodded vigorously, clinging to me. No matter how late I was, it seemed not to matter to him.
Just as Kang Youngsoo entered the bathroom to wash his face, Lee Jihoon returned to the hospital room. I could see medical staff entering behind him. Following their orders, I wrapped a band around my hand, changed clothes, and lay back down. As the medical team busily moved around, Lee Jihoon was naturally pushed to stand near the window. I told the staff to wait a moment as they prepared to move my bed, and I beckoned for Lee Jihoon to come closer. Although he hesitated for a moment in fear, he quickly walked over.
“What’s wrong? Are you nervous?”
As he calmly placed his hands over the bed’s safety railing and asked me, I moved my hands too. Lee Jihoon’s hands were cold. I covered the back of his hand with mine to share some warmth.
Holding his hand tightly as if to tell him that I was alive and would continue to be so, I shook my head.
“No.”
I saw a steady resolve in Lee Jihoon’s eyes. I was determined not to run away anymore, promising myself that I would live and never see such an expression on his face again.
I pulled the corners of my mouth upward, mirroring the smile Lee Jihoon always wore.
“Lee Jihoon.”
“Yeah.”
“The surgery will go well. Don’t worry too much.”
When Lee Jihoon faintly managed a smile resembling a grin, the bed started to shift. Kang Youngsoo, having come out of the bathroom, clung to the right safety rail. I could see both Kang Youngsoo, who looked as if he had been told by the nurse that he couldn’t follow us further, and Lee Jihoon gazing intently at the closing operating room doors.
Inside the surgery room, it was cold. In the meantime, a lot of cold things were stuck to my body. I stared at the bright white lights that were dazzling as I relaxed all my strength as instructed by the people surrounding me.
Unlike in the movies, the medical staff didn’t bring their fingers close to my face. I nodded along while hearing the explanation about how they would now begin the anesthesia, touching the area between my neck and collarbone. Counting in my head, I began, one, two…
Against my will, my eyes started to close. Before my consciousness sank completely, I recited a spell to myself.
I must get up. So that I can speak confidently to Lee Jihoon.
I searched for the meaning of blue roses and now understood why you brought those.
I found it strange. Dreaming while under anesthesia is rare. It’s even rarer to realize that you are dreaming while you are dreaming.
Yet, I lay there. Not on an operating table, but in my home in Taean.
A wind blew that I could not guess the season of. I turned to guess the direction of that wind and immediately spotted my grandfather lying in the opposite room.
We lay there separated by a door. Just like we had countless times since we lived in that house. If anything was different now, it was that my grandfather was not lying with his back to me. Perhaps that’s why I realized this was a dream.
In the dream, my grandfather had a pillow under his neck. He lay with that once hard pillow naturally, eyes closed. His expression and posture seemed peaceful, as if he were enjoying a sweet nap. I could not help but wonder if he had looked the same when he lay with his back to me.
This was the first time my grandfather appeared in my dream. I couldn’t afford to blink, not wanting to lose this rare opportunity. I was even scared that I might wake up from the dream.
Time here seemed to freeze. After staring at my grandfather’s face for as long as I wanted, I finally spoke the words that had lingered on my lips.
“Are you happy?”
My grandfather slowly opened his eyes at my question. Even without a fan, his hair was somehow blowing in the wind.
What happened next was even more astonishing.
My grandfather was smiling. Nodding his head at me as our eyes met.
It was the brightest smile I had seen on my grandfather, so radiant that I could not help but realize he was truly happy. Just by looking, my heart swelled, and my body trembled. In that moment, I felt a sensation rise through my veins. An emotion bursting with life, close to a golden hue, filled me completely.
My grandfather watched me as I cried silently, unable to make a sound. When he finally opened his mouth again, I instinctively knew that our time apart was approaching.
I also understood that this was my grandfather saying goodbye for me.
“Stay for a long time. Don’t fight uselessly.”
It didn’t take long for me to realize those words were familiar. I tried to smile back at him. I’ll do that, I answered in my mind. I knew my response reached him as his smile deepened. My grandfather and the house in Taean slowly began to fade away.
That was when I blinked.
When I opened my eyes again, I was no longer in Taean. Yet the sensation of a golden field swaying in the wind remained, tickling my heart. I moved the tips of my fingers. As if that small action were some kind of signal, the sensations in my body awakened one after another. Memories began to surface one by one.
I remembered regaining consciousness in the intensive care unit. Hearing from the doctor that the surgery had gone well and I would be moved to a general ward the next day. After arriving in the general ward, I briefly opened my eyes and confirmed Kang Youngsoo and Lee Jihoon standing at the foot of the bed, anxious.
And now. In this moment, Lee Jihoon is holding my hand tightly, waiting for me to open my eyes.
“…Can you see me?”
Even as he asked, Lee Jihoon couldn’t take his eyes off me. He must have been the same when I had my eyes closed. When I nodded my head, Lee Jihoon began to show an expression of having so much to say but not knowing where to begin. To ease his concerns, I decided to speak first.
After thoroughly clearing my throat as if dusting a long-accumulated shelf, I finally managed to speak.
“What was yesterday… for lunch?”
The response came quickly, as if he had prepared it in advance.
“Brown rice, soybean paste stew, stir-fried fish cakes, cabbage salad, napa cabbage kimchi.”
Seeing him elaborate made me burst into laughter. Lee Jihoon knew well why I was confirming this, and it struck me as funny that he would have memorized it. Upon reflection, he definitely would do that. After enduring in front of the operating room, he must have finally heard me ask Kang Youngsoo, who was thoroughly worn out.
Kang Youngsoo, who must have had a tough time handling that stubborn person, was asleep, crumpled up against the supplementary bed. Noticing the hand sprawled near the bed safety rail, it seemed he had been holding my hand until he fell asleep again today. I gazed at him for a little longer before turning my head away.
Even now, the pain was muted, perhaps due to the painkiller flowing into my body, but I kept feeling sleepy. The doctor had already explained in the intensive care unit. The surgery had been long, and my brain was tired. To recover my physical strength, my body would crave sleep. It was a natural phenomenon, and so the decreasing intervals of sleep were a good sign. His words were right. How long had it been since I opened my eyes that I felt like I was going to fall asleep again, my eyes fluttering under the bandage. Instead of my face, which did not move as I willed, I focused on my hands. Every time I tried to open my eyes, I felt Lee Jihoon’s hand tightly grasping mine as if he knew I was trying.
Struggling to overcome my brain’s reluctance, I moved my mouth. There was something I desperately wanted to tell Lee Jihoon before falling asleep again.
“My grandfather… came into my dream.”
Lee Jihoon responded, albeit with a slight delay. His voice was husky.
“What did he say?”
I smiled slowly, just like my grandfather had in my dream.
“My grandfather really hates it when we fight…”
A little later, I could hear Lee Jihoon laugh as he grasped the meaning behind my words. Before I completely succumbed to sleep, I tightened my grip on his hand one last time. Thinking of the blue rose I had seen at the bedside when I turned my head earlier. The blue rose we needed to remember wasn’t the one that had spilled out of the vase on the living room table, nor the one placed in the hospital room, but would be the one I had to give to Lee Jihoon on a sunny day when he smiled brightly.
I instinctively understood. It was not just a hopeful statement; we would indeed be okay now.