FBF chapter 20 part 5
by VolareLee Jihoon walked silently beside me. The thought of walking silently until we arrived made me feel suffocated. Even though we hadn’t seen each other for a short time, I regretted using this ridiculous situation as our time together.
Determined, I stopped walking.
“Hey.”
Lee Jihoon, who was walking two steps ahead, turned around. I looked directly at his unreadable expression and said, “Your uncle gave you some pocket money. I said I’d pay for everything you spend.”
“…I don’t think so.”
“What?”
“I don’t think my dad would have said that. Did he really say that? For me?”
I was momentarily speechless at the unexpected denial. Technically, the uncle didn’t say it that way. Although the amount in the envelope was absurdly large, especially if I was not going to share it with Lee Jihoon, it seemed like a reasonable thing to assume.
Lee Jihoon looked at me, startled but not surprised. Instead, he sighed and looked around before turning back to me and asked, “Do you have any cigarettes?”
Still in shock, I searched my pockets. When Lee Jihoon spotted the cigarettes I pulled from my pants pocket, he nodded towards a smoking area he seemed to have been eyeing ahead.
It was a spot between a closed pub and a red brick building. He easily lit the cigarette I handed over with his lighter and stepped into the narrow gap between the two buildings. Hesitating for a moment, I followed him into the sloping path.
We stood there at an awkward distance that felt closer to a quarrel than anything else, but still no less uncomfortable, both smoking cigarettes. I glanced at Lee Jihoon as he exhaled smoke into the air, holding on to a cigarette that I hadn’t even halfway smoked. Despite standing in a spot he had chosen, the strong wind still swept his front hair around.
After some time of just smoking in silence, Lee Jihoon suddenly spoke up.
“Hey. I feel insulted.”
In an instant, my heart sank. I fixed my gaze on his profile that seemed expressionless and swallowed hard. I was caught off guard, not expecting to hear such words after just buying him coffee.
“Borrowing a cigarette from you is one thing, but it feels off that I came all the way to see you, and now I need to pay.”
Lee Jihoon seemed nonchalant. Or at least that’s how it appeared. He tossed the stub onto the snow and, almost as if to confirm it wouldn’t be noticeable, he stepped on it before picking it up to throw it in a nearby trash can, just like it was any ordinary thing.
Yet, the words he let out behind that calm façade couldn’t be dismissed casually as had been the case before.
“I really don’t have much to spare right now, and I know you’re trying to pay to avoid any awkwardness.”
“…….”
“I have the money to spend on you. If I thought I couldn’t, I wouldn’t have invited you in the first place.”
The moment our gazes met, I found myself frozen. Lee Jihoon’s expression genuinely looked like that of someone whose pride had been hurt. No, he seemed distressed. Every argument I had mentally prepared to counter his objections faded away in that moment.
“I don’t want the person who came all this way just to see me to spend money. It’s awkward to talk about such embarrassing things when you’re leaving in two days, and it feels wasteful.”
It was a look I had never seen during the time I had known him. Maybe showing me such a face was what hurt his pride in the first place. I recalled the image of him laughing and pushing me away the moment I stood at the cash register while we had dinner yesterday. Had those thoughts played in his mind every time I tried to pay since then?
“That’s not what I meant….”
I know it’s hard for you; I didn’t want to burden you by saying it.
The excuse I had been forming choked in my throat and I couldn’t say it. It seemed like a statement that would only upset Lee Jihoon further.
“…Fine. I’m sorry.”
The moment those half-hearted words escaped my lips, I realized I couldn’t bear to see Lee Jihoon looking like that. He stared at me intently after my hasty apology, as if trying to gauge my sincerity.
Then, he chuckled softly. The moment I saw the dimple that formed on his cheek, I understood he was genuinely smiling. My heart, finally, felt lighter.
“If you’re sorry, then don’t spend any money from now on.”
“…Okay.”
“At least tell me when you want gum or something.”
“Got it.”
As I awkwardly replied, I flicked the burnt-out stub down like Lee Jihoon had done. As I threw the stub into the trash can, I expected Lee Jihoon to take a step forward, but he remained leaning against the wall. He thrust both hands into his jacket pockets and exhaled a white cloud into the air.
“Did you have a fight with an old man?”
It was such an unexpected question, and it seemed as if he was half-predicting the answer. Since I had intentionally avoided talking about my grandfather ever since we arrived, I hesitated. Lee Jihoon stepped closer without a word. I lowered my gaze just in time to avoid meeting his eyes before he stood directly in front of me. I hesitated but couldn’t help asking.
“…Did you hear from Dad?”
“No. Just a feeling.”
“…….”
“You usually try to be around your grandfather during breaks. But you’re here in New York; I thought something must have happened.”
Lee Jihoon waited for my response, but then, as if he had changed his mind, he came a little closer. There was a mix of the scent of cologne and blue air freshener wafting from him.
“Don’t stress too much.”
He started brushing the snow off my scarf, which I had donned against the chill when he pretended to be cold while we were going to the musical.
“After all, you’ll be going back soon. Just do a good job when you get back.”
Right? He asked for confirmation, and I nodded slightly. With a playful jab to my shoulder, he gestured to exit the alley.
As we walked down the quiet street, discussing the musical from earlier, it felt unusually atypical compared to the bustle of the theater front. Given that it was Christmas Eve, it was odd how deserted the path to Lee Jihoon’s house was. I had unconsciously assumed that, like the movies set in New York, the streets would be filled with excited people celebrating the holiday, brightening the area around them. The only people I saw were lost-looking tourists wandering the empty streets, glances darting about, and Lee Jihoon explained, standing beside me.
“Christmas is usually like this. People do their shopping beforehand and tend to stay at home on days like these, either with family or their significant others.”
I gazed at the large mansion visible behind him. The reception area is filled with people. I realized that while there were no people on the street, every window we passed was bustling with life inside.
What kind of Christmas had Lee Jihoon spent in the past two years without family around? It would be harder not to feel lonely on such a day, with the streets empty and most restaurants closed. Watching his indifferent face, which never once peeked into the windows of the houses we passed, I slowly realized we had reached the apartment.
As we stood at the door, which I had gotten used to seeing in two days, Lee Jihoon suddenly received a phone call. I overheard his troubled response, implying there was some issue at his part-time job that could only be resolved if he went there. I waved my hands, pushing him away as he tried to decline.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me; just go.”
With an apologetic look on his face, Lee Jihoon soon decided that this moment was a waste of time and dashed out quickly, leaving only the words that he wouldn’t be gone long.
Left alone, I took a look around the room. I couldn’t comfortably relax when Lee Jihoon was around. The first thing I examined was his desk. Due to space constraints, Lee Jihoon’s desk, which was attached to that of his roommate, was tidy, reflecting the owner’s personality. There weren’t many things on it. Just a bookshelf, a lamp, a picture frame, and a calendar. The bookshelf had textbooks that appeared to be used in theory classes at flight school, lined up next to several identical notebooks in size and shape. There were also two frames beside the lamp. One was a family photograph that I had seen at Lee Jihoon’s house before, while the other contained a photo of Kang Youngsoo, myself, and Lee Jihoon together. It was taken at a place we had gone to at Kang Youngsoo’s insistence, wanting to create more memories before entering university, and Youngsoo had tagged us in it on social media. Though it had only been three years, the place seemed almost entirely unfamiliar.
As I looked at the frame, observing a relaxed Lee Jihoon flashing a peace sign while I appeared rigid and awkward, I gently set it back in its place.
“…That looks like that.”
The expressions in the photo or the baffled look at sudden silly remarks didn’t seem particularly different from each other, yet it was fascinating that Lee Jihoon could distinguish between them.
Oddly enough, as I reached for the calendar, I instinctively glanced back towards the front door. A calendar that looked densely packed undoubtedly held information I couldn’t grasp while in Korea. Hesitating as if trying for some late conscience, I reflected on the character of someone who would have hidden anything incriminating, and without further contemplation, I picked it up.
I flipped back to January and began turning the pages back. I quickly learned that as of the first week in December, the five jobs Lee Jihoon had listed meant he was working hard and that he barely got more than five hours of sleep a day. The circles drawn on the first of each month likely designated rent due dates. When I reached April, I confirmed that Lee Jihoon had indeed noted his grandfather’s health examination date in June.
Thanks to Lee Jihoon’s method of marking work types and hours with simple letters and numbers, I found myself easily spotting the Korean words scattered throughout.
There was also a notation indicating my birthday.
A circle circled the 29th, and the Korean text showed it was written for the 28th, not the 29th.
[Contact according to the Korean time zone.]
Thinking back, I remembered receiving a message on the day of my birthday. I didn’t realize it was marked down like this, prepared for me.
Ready to turn the next page, I suddenly stopped. Along with another large red circle, the words “Tuition 2/3” were written beneath it. I felt I had seen a similar note earlier. As I flipped through the pages again, I looked for red circles in July and found “Tuition 1/3” written beneath it.
Under the date July 4, there was the notation “Tuition 1/3,” and next to October 5, there was also “Tuition 2/3.”
The numbers represented as fractions suggested they must have broken down the tuition into three payments. If my assumption was correct, it meant there was one more payment yet to be made and, judging by the previous timeline, the next payment would be due in January. I once again reviewed the entries for July and October. Consequently, I realized that Lee Jihoon’s schedule was particularly busy around those months. Sometimes he had as many as five part-time jobs, and it looked like new additions were drawn over the pre-existing schedule as well, marking the struggles he endured, which were clearly reflected in this calendar.
I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the December calendar. From the first week of December, Lee Jihoon had a total of five part-time jobs. The day I arrived in New York, he had also worked until six in the morning. The thought that I might have added more to his burden by arriving unexpectedly made my heart sink.
“…….”
I lingered in my thoughts for a moment before finally flipping to the back of the calendar. As if I were hoping for something more than just blank sheets, I stayed on the last page for a while. A few days later, it would be a new year. I wondered if Lee Jihoon had prepared the money for tuition. I figured he certainly would have, considering his personality, yet I still found it difficult to put the calendar down.
Fortunately, it was only after I had set the calendar aside that Lee Jihoon returned. He must have run because his exposed cheeks were particularly red from the cold. Pulling his ears in like he was trying to warm them up, he stepped inside and checked where I was before hanging up his coat on the rack by the door.
“Hey, what are you doing standing there? Were you waiting long?”
His eyes were bloodshot as he looked at me, his cheek red from the cold. It reminded me of the day I arrived. Lee Jihoon paused, rubbing the back of his neck, staring at me peculiarly as I stood still in the middle of the room. I knew, just as I had since my arrival, that I had to ignore the things he was trying to hide.
“…I didn’t feel like sitting on the bed since I didn’t sleep.”
“Then sit in a chair.”
“I just stood up.”
Fortunately, Lee Jihoon didn’t pry further. Standing in front the square two-person table in the kitchen, he opened a black bag, his focus elsewhere.
“Hey, come here. I bought tacos. You should eat them warm, so hurry up.”
As I walked over to him, making an effort to appear casual, I asked, “Did everything get resolved at work?”
“Yeah. It was just something that needs to be visually confirmed.”
“You went quickly, then.”
“It’s just right up ahead. Do you remember the restaurant I told you about when I was doing dishes at night?”
“…Didn’t you quit? Didn’t you say it was tiring since your schedule got shifted?”
Lee Jihoon shrugged. Although the pay was good, he had mentioned that he wouldn’t be able to do it for long since he had to go to school without sleeping more than three hours after finishing his part-time job. I guessed that was the reason why he continued that part-time job he had no longer wanted to do; he probably needed to cover the expenses.
Before sitting down, I turned off my phone, which I had been hiding behind me. The last screen I saw before shutting it down displayed the number seven thousand dollars. That was the training expense for one semester, reported separately from the tuition fee at the flight school Lee Jihoon attended. Even when I accepted the tacos from him, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this meal should also contribute to his seven thousand dollars.