FBF chapter 19 part 6
by VolareLee Jihoon, pointing at my room where we had lain together until dawn, seemed unable to accept that the person I was yesterday and the person I am now were the same. Veins bulged in his neck, and his eyes were red. His arm, grasping me with more strength than he intended, trembled in the air. I couldn’t tell if it was my body shaking or his.
“Even if I know everything about the people around you, even if I memorize everything about you… in the end, if you don’t speak, I know nothing like I do right now. I have to guess recklessly, and when I’m wrong, I have to deal with that!”
“…….”
“I can’t do anything like this. So… don’t hide it, and don’t make whoever finds out later go crazy. Just tell me. What’s going on? I know it’s not about your grandfather and it’s not about work either. It seems like it’s something I can’t find out about no matter how hard I try, so explain it in your own words. You can do just that for me, can’t you?”
I couldn’t say anything. I felt like, the moment I spoke, I would be agreeing to whatever he said. In the silence, it seemed as if Jihoon saw more despair than hope. Nevertheless, he desperately asked one last time, as if trying to keep the last ember of hope alive.
“You said it’s not over.”
Jihoon frantically searched my face, as if trying to find something he had seen the night before. His arm that held me hostage was the last flicker of hope, and he adjusted his grip on it multiple times.
“You said it’s not over, that you… huh?”
It was a question that wasn’t quite a question. The act carried a sense of pleading, and it made my body stiffen. I couldn’t even meet Jihoon’s gaze and looked down instead. Then the words came to me. I deadened my expression, my heart, even my voice, and spoke monotonously.
“I’m going to finish everything and go down to Seosan.”
“…Seosan?”
“I’m going to the police station in Seosan, and I’ll take my grandfather with me.”
“You never told me that. When did you decide?”
I raised my head, and at the same moment, Jihoon let go of my arm. The moment he looked down, he seemed to shake his head as if trying to collect his thoughts. After a brief silence, he rubbed his face with one hand while resting the other on his waist and finally spoke. His expression was complicated.
“Fine. I can’t change something that’s already decided. The way you speak makes it seem like you’ve been preparing for a long time.”
Jihoon’s tone and demeanor had calmed down significantly. It felt as though he could accept that much if this was the story I was hiding. Nodding repeatedly as if he had come to some understanding, he hurriedly continued.
“Is that why you’re like this? Is it because it’s hard to say that?”
“…….”
“I’ll go. Seosan is not far from Taean, and what’s the issue with that? Whether I live in Seoul or there, I don’t care. Just do what’s comfortable for you. But is there a good hospital in Seosan? Isn’t the hospital you used to go to in Taean better?”
Jihoon continued talking without giving me a chance to respond. He didn’t seem to be waiting for my answer. It was as if he wanted to prevent any words from coming out of my mouth or he couldn’t believe the implications of what I had already said. He was desperately trying to accept the notion of me that had caused him to wander, lie, and push him away.
I couldn’t take my gaze off that image as I swallowed hard. Seizing the moment Jihoon’s words quieted down, I opened my mouth.
“The request for transfer was made two months ago, that’s right…”
I was probably doing the right thing. It was better to hurt him now to prevent him from getting hurt later. I weighed the total amount of pain Jihoon would endure. I ignored the creaking sound of the brass scales I held in both hands, trying to measure the weight.
“I decided to go today.”
Ding-ding-ding. A sound that could be a warning or a honk rang out, and I saw the dazed look on Jihoon’s face. His expression was rigid, as if he had detected an undeniable signal that could not be ignored.
After a while, Jihoon finally opened his mouth.
“So… you mean that before you go to Seosan, you’re going to wrap things up with me?”
“…….”
“You’re not saying this to consult with me, but you’re letting me know your conclusion as you see fit.”
As if organizing what I said, he seemed to realize what those words meant. When I didn’t deny it, I soon heard an empty laugh.
“You say you love me, but how can you….”
Jihoon’s voice gradually grew softer.
“There’s no lingering attachment. It’s like you’ve always been waiting to end things with me.”
Every time… every day…
How could this be…
“Making me feel like I mean nothing to you.”
I met Jihoon’s gaze as he struggled to lift his head. Seeing me with my mask still on, he turned his head with trembling lips. It looked as if he could no longer tolerate seeing or not seeing me, and his eyes, unable to process everything that was coming up, were red as if they would burst.
I watched as the muscles in his neck tightened from the effort. I began to think that perhaps it was wrong for someone who always had composure in front of others to lose it in front of me.
“I… will never see you again after this.”
“…….”
“Like you said, it’s not a big deal to sleep for a day, but it is a big deal for us.”
“…….”
“You and I have come too far. If we let go now, we can’t even return to where we started. No matter where we are, we won’t meet again.”
Jihoon swallowed his emotions with difficulty and asked. His gaze was fixed on the floor, no longer confident enough to look at me.
“Will you do this even if I’m your last?”
I knew this was the last chance Jihoon was giving me. Even tonight, he had already offered me countless opportunities, and I realized this was the last reaching out he could extend, even putting aside his pride. I also knew that if I pretended to be someone else here, he would wrap my previous words in kindness.
Because Jihoon had never said I was his last. This was the first time he had uttered that word since he came to know me. I understood the weight of that word. So I had to let that opportunity slip away.
“…I’m sorry.”
Jihoon didn’t answer. Instead, I heard the sound of him distancing himself from me. He was stepping away at an uncontrollable speed, retreating into depths I couldn’t fathom. The moment I realized he was headed toward the direction of the vase, I sprang into action without thinking.
“Watch out, it’s dangerous…”
My hand was pushed away roughly. His pale face, drained of color to avoid showing emotion, shot a glance at me.
“Don’t….”
“…….”
“Don’t lay a hand on me.”
Hearing his dry voice, I realized he had been watching me for a long time. Thanks to that, I came to understand that Jihoon had been capable of this long ago. Behind the actions I believed to be devoid of emotion, there lay feelings directed toward me.
“I’ll take care of my things, so just leave it. Don’t touch anything.”
Jihoon averted his gaze from me. It was like he had never held on to anything, completely breaking away from me. His heavy footsteps receded, and soon I heard the sound of the front door closing. I let out a sharp breath as I lowered my head, realizing I had been stepping on the broken pieces of the vase all along.
It was my first time entering the house in three days. Staying in the duty room, doing a quick interview, and organizing the things I needed to confirm before my assignment had made the time pass quickly. In truth, I had let it be that way. I had pressed my mind all day, exhausting my body, trying to forget in any way possible.
The hallway in front of the house looked just as I remembered. There could hardly have been anything that would happen that the landlord and I wouldn’t know about, yet I hesitated, even to step into the elevator in the parking lot, as if lacking the confidence to face the upcoming events, making it almost comical.
‘Ding-’
As I stepped out of the elevator and walked down the hallway, I stopped dead in my tracks. A large package had arrived in front of the house. The delivery blocking the door confirmed that no one had opened it while I was away. This was something I had never experienced in the past two months. Someone had always checked the package at my door in my absence and brought it inside.
Dragging my feet, I walked toward the box. It was big. Even though I didn’t have the courage to check it, it was impossible to enter the house without at least looking at it.
I couldn’t even touch the door lock and eventually found myself looking down. I absentmindedly scanned the tracking number attached to the package, then glanced at the name of the person who ordered it. My heart felt tight, as if it was being squeezed.
Orderer: Lee Jihoon
When did he order this? It must have been at least before that day.
‘Why would he do that? How long did he expect me to be gone?’
Jihoon had said such words, knowing how uncertain our future was. The time after that seemed to have given him enough confidence to change his mind. Or else he wouldn’t have sent something like this to my house. He wouldn’t be the type to act like this without some certainty.
Knowing that, it was I who pushed him away.
“…….”
So I have no right to be sad about this fact.
Thinking of this, I focused my eyes. In an attempt to at least enter the house, I picked up the box. I pressed the door lock and stepped inside. The house was completely dark, proving that nothing happened in my absence.
But I knew. So many things had changed.
It felt as if a storm had swept through, just because one person had left. I could sense Jihoon had slipped away from this house without even peeking into his room. The shoe rack had only one slipper remaining, and Jihoon’s room, which was wide open and visible even from the shoe rack, and the table that bore no signs of the broken vase—all spoke of this change.
I couldn’t force myself to step into the now-empty house. Instead, I looked down at the box I was holding.
I scanned the label densely packed with the tracking number, the orderer, and the address, searching for the only trace of Jihoon left in the emptied space.
Then I noticed something I hadn’t seen earlier. The delivery message, typically overlooked by even the orderer after a couple of readings, became something I had to read over and over, realizing it wasn’t written for the orderer at all.
[Delivery message]
Please do not ring the bell. The roommate may be sleeping due to a schedule shift.
My body trembled, not yielding to the effort to suppress my emotions. I clenched my fists and shut my eyes tightly, planning to look away if I couldn’t push such thoughts out of my mind.
‘Now that I think about it, the package is set to arrive at night four days from now. It’s as if I’m being punished for resting too long, with another flight scheduled for three days post-arrival.’
I struggled to not remember, but it came right back to me. Today was the day Jihoon took flight. However, if I hadn’t remembered that, I wouldn’t have known. Because Jihoon hadn’t notified me through a message. It was the first time since he started working.
Jihoon had left my life. That was the first time for that as well.
So this is our end. Not a conclusion I reached through notification, but an ending that occurred through Jihoon’s acceptance.