FBF chapter 19 part 2

“I’m not really sure, but you seem like that kind of person. Are you going to look at land? You’re really trying to show off.”

“Your charm could use some fading. It’s always astonishingly fresh.”

Although we occasionally keep in touch, we don’t meet often, citing busy schedules as an excuse. Still, the absence of awkwardness is likely due to the camaraderie forged during a tough time we endured together. The older brother who smiled as if he felt a similar emotion led the way.

“Do you remember the pizza place on the corner? They’ve turned it into a restaurant and received a Michelin star. I’ve made a reservation, so let’s go.”

“Isn’t that the celebrity Cha Hyuk-jun? A journalist friend told me about him.”

There seems to be a reason politicians make a fuss about the Korean Wave during diplomatic activities. Inside the pub to which we arrived later, one of the several TVs was broadcasting Korean entertainment news. The older brother, not fully satisfied after filling his stomach at the Michelin restaurant, received the pizza the server brought and casually said something that made me look up.

Cha Hyuk-jun? The name sounded familiar, but the last name was different. Changing just the last name to a stage name would be possible, but could that guy even be a celebrity in the first place?

“Really? I don’t know him.”

I wasn’t well-informed or interested in entertainment news. I glanced at the TV following the older brother’s gaze, but it seemed to have already switched to different news, showing only an advertisement for a famous director’s new movie. It had been a long time since I’d distanced myself from such matters. There was hardly anything worth thinking about just because the names were similar.

The older brother, who gestured for me to eat the pizza, didn’t seem particularly interested either, so I changed the subject.

“Is the gallery opening prep going well?”

“Well, just okay. It seems like I’ve finally got the essentials set up.”

If it was a coincidence, it was quite an elaborate one. My first flight after a long vacation was to New York, and I happened to find a musical ticket in Ji Seon-uk’s box that reminded me of our time in New York then, which led to connecting with the older brother for this meeting.

As I listened to the older brother’s story about preparing for the gallery opening since entering New York a few months ago, a break in the conversation emerged. It was a comfortable silence between us, a sign of our historical bond. While I finished a beer, the older brother, toying with his pizza, suddenly asked as if he just thought of it.

“Did your friend go for a health check-up?”

Come to think of it, I had something significant I couldn’t just repay with a meal. I nodded, confirming the position of the server I would hand my card to. It was strange to realize that the only two times I’d ever asked this older brother for a favor were both related to Ji Seon-uk.

“Yes. Thanks to your father’s consideration. I know it’s difficult to get an appointment at that hospital at the end of the year, but we managed to book it almost immediately. Please thank him for me.”

“I already sent something; there’s no need to thank again. He liked it. It’s a hard-to-find wine.”

The older brother dismissed it with a wave, wearing a nonchalant expression as usual when family matters were brought up. His father was a university hospital professor, and his mother owned a gallery in Pyeongchang-dong. He was someone who insisted on studying photography, even though he came from a family that could support him without a hitch. It was intriguing that he still bore remnants of that struggle even after opening his second gallery. It resonated with the choice I made after declaring that I wouldn’t ask my father for help after deciding to drop out of construction school and crossed over to America.

“But he must be a close friend, right?”

“Why?”

“You don’t usually ask me favors like that. It was unexpected.”

The older brother, who was wiping his mouth with a napkin, kept his gaze on me longer than usual. His drowsy eyes behind his glasses were oddly focused on me.

“Is that the same friend? The one who visited here?”

It seemed he remembered the first favor I had asked him. After Ji Seon-uk’s visit to New York was confirmed, I had asked for permission for my friend to stay for a few days. At that time, the older brother had also looked at me with eyes similar to now but had casually nodded in agreement.

Both of us were sensitive for guys, disliking loud environments. We would clean our room without being asked and had never made a rule, yet we never brought many people over. In three years of living together, Ji Seon-uk was the only one I had brought.

It was surprising that the older brother, who generally didn’t ask personal questions, was inquiring like this, but I lightly nodded in response.

“Yeah, that’s true, but do you actually remember that, brother? That’s unexpected.”

“It was quite a memorable experience for me.”

“Because it was the first time I brought someone, right?”

“No. Your friend is good-looking. Not the typical kind.”

“…….”

“I thought he’d be good as a subject for photography. I asked about him, but he told me it would be difficult.”

Unlike the older brother, who spoke with a nonchalant tone, I was caught off guard. The information I thought I knew suddenly tangled in my mind.

Such things happened occasionally, especially after I started living at Ji Seon-uk’s house.

“…Brother, you haven’t met him, right? How did you ask?”

Despite asking for permission to let my friend sleep in my bed, he had refrained from entering the room the entire time out of consideration. I felt grateful yet guilty, and I distinctly remembered it.

The older brother slowly raised his head as if sensing my confusion. A small sigh escaped his lips, resembling a mistake-a sigh that communicated his surprise clearly on his face. I quickly opened my mouth.

“Do you happen to know something I don’t?”

“…Hey, I was just rambling. I’m sure I saw a photo on your desk, but I’ve really never met him, just briefly mixed him up with another person. Forget it.”

“Brother.”

Having shared that small space for three years, I was sure he wouldn’t make such a mistake. I was also confident he wouldn’t get flustered over trivial matters.

While he was desperately trying to regain composure, he was hiding something from me. It was about something I didn’t know—something Ji Seon-uk might know.

He couldn’t possibly not know me and that I wasn’t someone who backed down easily.

“I kissed him a few days ago.”

“…….”

“Isn’t it stranger that there’s something you know that I don’t? Please tell me.”

For a moment, the older brother looked stiff before slowly exhaling and crossing his arms. His expression wasn’t one of shock at the revelation I was with a man. Rather, he seemed somewhat resigned yet protective, knowing what he should say.

“Are you dating him?”

“We decided to talk about it when I return from this flight.”

“…….”

“What’s it about?”

The older brother shook his head in deep thought for a moment. His direct gaze told me he had accepted that he could no longer hide it.

“On the fourth day after your friend arrived, I went home briefly to change in the morning.”

“I don’t remember seeing you that day.”

“That’s likely. You weren’t there when I arrived.”

“…….”

“Anyway, that same morning I received a call from the landlord, saying the rent would increase by a thousand dollars starting next year. It was basically a notification, and the way it was said left me feeling hopeless, as if I had no choice but to leave if I couldn’t pay. While I was on the phone with a friend, your friend apparently overheard that. He stopped me from leaving and suddenly offered to cover the year’s rent increase upfront for you.”

The older brother paused, scanning my face. He looked pained, chewing his lip as if lamenting something. I instinctively knew that the subject of his empathy was Ji Seon-uk.

“He even took out the money and offered it to me… Honestly, I didn’t want to accept at first. It felt burdensome, and I couldn’t grasp the situation… But your friend insisted. He said you would never accept it if I gave it to you, so he asked me to keep it a secret from you.”

I felt breathless. Even after a while, my voice was trembling.

“…Brother. Still… you should have told me.”

“…….”

“He’s been hiding that from me all this time.”

“…….”

“If it weren’t for you, I would have lived my entire life not knowing about this. Completely in the dark….”

It was just a few days ago that we reminisced about our winter when we were both twenty-three. I could clearly picture Ji Seon-uk smiling at the musical ticket. I had never looked closely at his happy face before, but I knew it well because I had been watching with an unfamiliar sense of curiosity.

Had I only seen that face, I would have never known there was such a story behind it. Ji Seon-uk wouldn’t have mentioned it to me, just as he hadn’t up until now.

The older brother, who looked at me with a complex expression, sighed.

“If you had seen your friend’s face back then, you wouldn’t say that.”

The older brother, lost in thought as if recalling that time, shook his head once again. His tone was firm despite the apparent sorrow on his face.

“You wouldn’t have done it either.”

The flight from New York to Incheon would take at least 14 hours, even on the shortest route. Like any long-distance flight, pilots were divided into teams to avoid overworking. The briefing had concluded with this flight being operated in two segments for takeoff and cruising, and since I was in charge of takeoff, I confirmed we had entered the correct flight path before handing over to the B team’s PIC (Pilot In Command) and moving to the bunk.

It seemed the captain of the B team had already gone into the cabin. While looking at the closed door, I stepped into the adjacent space. A tablet belonging to the B team’s co-pilot was left on the deck. Rather than put it away, I sat on the long seat and took out my MP3 from my pocket.

“…….”

The familiar colors and design of the MP3 were not mine. It had an outdated design by modern standards, yet it wasn’t worn out. I had once worked part-time at a late-night Korean restaurant known for its high pay. The pile of dishes in the corner, where I mostly worked alone, was the perfect place to make phone calls. Despite my tight budget, I took great satisfaction in consistently paying my roaming fees—right up until I dropped my phone in a soapy puddle. After that, making phone calls was out of the question, and I resorted to using a crackly radio I bought for three dollars at a flea market. During one conversation with Ji Seon-uk, I had mentioned my misfortune in jest, to which he did not laugh but brought up the MP3. I hadn’t thought of it much, but it seemed like a decent idea, so I asked him to bring it along when he came to New York.

That MP3 had been with me until graduation from flight school. I remembered wrapping it carefully when coming back to Korea, cherishing it. The moment I started looking more closely at the box Ji Seon-uk gave me, the MP3 was the first thing I found. I was surprised. Why was this here?

“Just, I needed it after giving it to you, so I bought a new one. I didn’t know it was inside.”

Ji Seon-uk spoke as if it were nothing, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. He had handed it over to me, saying he wouldn’t need it anymore but then bought it again out of necessity. Moreover, this was something he had collected about me to organize my things.

However, when I opened the MP3 on my way to New York, it was completely empty. Literally, every space, including the playlist, was void. Thinking of Ji Seon-uk’s words, it seemed plausible that he bought it because he needed it and wiped all files the moment his task was complete. Given Ji Seon-uk’s personality, it was entirely possible for him.

Having examined the MP3 once, I had no specific reason to open it again. But it kept coming to mind, at meals, during hotel downtime, and even while seated in the cockpit.

“He even took out the money and offered it to me… Honestly, I didn’t want to accept at first. It felt burdensome, and I couldn’t grasp the situation… But your friend insisted. He said you would never accept it if I gave it to you, so he asked me to keep it a secret from you.”

I worried whether there was something I wouldn’t know, something Ji Seon-uk had desperately hidden from me that ironically proved his love.

The MP3 still had nothing inside. Yet I couldn’t let go of it. So much so that I habitually began twisting the menu button as if to scroll through its options, even knowing that no files would appear.

After an hour of fiddling with it, I nearly set it down when…

“…Huh?”

I shifted from half-lying to fully upright. I doubted my eyes; on the screen was something I had never seen before. The moment I confirmed the shimmering blue text, I froze.

Voice Memo 001 (3:51)

Voice memo? I hadn’t noticed it when I turned on the MP3 and pressed all the buttons before. I checked the text floating over the file that indicated “Recycle Bin.” It was a function I hadn’t even known existed. Usually, when transferring or deleting music files, I did it through a computer so I had never deleted anything directly from the device. I likely accessed it through an unknown route while mashing the buttons.

It could be nothing, but strangely I felt anxious. After glancing outside, I pressed play. Listening to music in the bunk was basically prohibited. I doubted anything significant would happen from listening to a three-minute-fifty-one-second voice memo, but to be cautious, I focused on the bell while only plugging the earphones into my right ear.

I clearly pressed the play button, yet there was no sound. I checked again after removing the earphones, but the screen showed the time getting closer to 0:13. That indicated the file was playing without issue—likely a recording error thus leading to deletion.

My anxiety quickly dissipated. Still, I didn’t take out the earphones. Time was still ticking. 0:50. I figured it must be some kind of error as I glanced at the bell.

[…Cough.]

My body stiffened.

[Ah…]

With just a short groan, I immediately recognized whose voice it was. It was a voice I knew all too well. The voice that I had heard moments before I dropped my phone into soapy water when I was twenty-three, reflecting on my decision to pay that roaming fee in a dark room overlooking an empty street.

The short, single groan that sounded like clearing his throat ended after a minute and thirty seconds.

[Ah… I can’t do this.]

The tone was one I had never heard before from Ji Seon-uk. This was someone who seemed so capable of everything, mumbling with a voice tinged with self-pity. A long silence lingered behind the fading laughter. As if the words “I can’t do this” were sincere, Ji Seon-uk paused for a long time before finally speaking.

[Lee Ji-hoon.]

He articulated each syllable, as if savoring it. I increased the volume. As if he knew me, Ji Seon-uk said it once more.

[…Lee Ji-hoon.]

It sounded heavier than before. Whether it was because I turned up the volume or because Ji Seon-uk was breathing heavily, I could hear the breaths getting closer. Just listening told me he must have been drinking while recording this. It made sense as he laughed more often and spoke more candidly.

I had heard this voice once before.

“Remember. Even your locker number.”

It was from that snowy morning when he was sitting across from me.

[The last time I talked to you… when I asked if I could come to New York.]

The twenty-three-year-old Ji Seon-uk began.

[That day was actually my grandfather’s regular check-up day… The doctor said my grandfather had a cyst in his brain. Thankfully it wasn’t malignant, but since it’s a bit large, they suggested surgery. But my grandfather suddenly insisted it wasn’t necessary, and after hearing no more, he left… ]

This was a story I had no idea about.

[It was the first time we fought. I confronted him in the hospital lobby. Didn’t you hear the doctor say that if it bursts, what will we do? But my grandfather responded that when it’s time to go, he’ll just die; he doesn’t want to be stuck in a hospital just trying to live a little longer… ]

Ji Seon-uk’s voice thickened. It sounded as though he were suppressing tears. Yet he continued without any sobs, as if he had spent his entire life only knowing how to endure.

[But why am I suddenly telling you this… ]

I tightened my grip on the MP3.

[You suddenly came to mind. The moment I heard my grandfather was sick.]

[Thinking back, it’s always been like this. I lived without knowing those things my whole life, but whenever something tough happened… I think of you.]

Ji Seon-uk’s voice quickened.

[Even though I tried not to… I really tried to hold back… ]

His voice abruptly cut off. I knew from the sound of his heavy breathing that it wasn’t the end. Ji Seon-uk’s voice resumed, this time with a lower tone.

[For me, someone like you…]

Breathing mingled throughout his words. Eventually, in what felt like surrender, as if he couldn’t find any more answers, Ji Seon-uk whispered helplessly.

[You are the only one.]

For the future. Perhaps for a lifetime.

[Sorry. For liking you.]

Silence followed, and along with the rustling sound, the auditory landscape fell silent. Even as I sensed it was the end of the recording, I remained frozen for a long time.

I pressed the button again.

[…Cough.]

The section of the recording where twenty-three-year-old Ji Seon-uk clears his throat played again. I brought my hands up to cover my face. Tears burst forth from between my fingers.

The main captain, Jeff, who sat beside me and patted my back, was from Canada. Since there wasn’t a significant age gap and since we had flown together a few times before and got along well, he treated me quite warmly. I nodded back at him as he appeared to be in great condition, much better than before, and wrapped up our communication. After checking the cockpit instrument panel, he looked back at me again, his expression suggesting he had remembered something.

“Heading Home?”

It seemed he took pride in remembering my hometown, and I calculated the remaining time until arrival with a soft smile on my face.

My hometown, my home, and one person awaited me.

I slowly nodded, looking ahead. I realized I had only to navigate through the clouds toward the precise coordinates.

“Heading Home.”

I’m returning to you, to where I belong.

I felt relieved to have successfully completed the flight. Should this be okay, my mind was filled only with thoughts of Ji Seon-uk. I hurried my steps even in a situation where I couldn’t be sure he would be there when I got home. Perhaps my anxiousness was apparent since the crew’s immigration officer and other crew members asked whether I had something urgent when we met in the crew-only exit line. Normally, I would have answered casually as if it was nothing, but with my mind clouded, all I managed was a nod.

I hastily slipped out of the immigration area, but I didn’t stop because someone spoke to me. A crowd had gathered around a large television near the immigration area, and as I was maneuvering through the crowd, I bumped into someone coming out.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

I acknowledged the man’s apology with a nod and glanced back at the screen. The anchor was continuing the news. It wasn’t usual for so many people to gather, and I thought something serious might have happened in Korea while I was away, my attention naturally drawn to the headline.

[Actor Cha Hyuk-jun Holds Press Conference, Exposes “Hongcheon Villa Incident”]

Cha Hyuk-jun was the name I had heard earlier on the entertainment news at the pub in New York. I recalled my older brother mentioning him and stared at the small news report next to the anchor. I initially thought it didn’t relate to me, but the mention of “Hongcheon” in the headline triggered a memory. Looking back, the news about the restaurant near the police station was covering a similar topic.

I had little recollection of the director’s involvement in the drug distribution scandal; my interest in the topic stemmed solely from the word “drugs.” After finding out the guy I was dating worked in that department and often worked late into the night, sometimes even getting hurt, I was particularly interested.

‘Have they been busy catching that guy?’

At the time when he often worked late, I had asked if he was busy with such things, and with a hint of anxiety, Ji Seon-uk had nodded in response. Remembering that moment, I inched my way toward the television. If the case was this major in the news, it might affect Ji Seon-uk in some way.

“Uh….”

As I shifted my gaze towards the place where Cha Hyuk-jun’s face should have been—something I hadn’t seen at the pub, my eyes suddenly froze in place. After confirming only the general outline of the news and realizing that I had been mistaken about the actor’s identity and this person, I turned away from it, my plans crumbling as I felt utterly bewildered.