FBF chapter 18 part 4
by Volare“F*ck… I’m going to make sure you get f*cked up, you piece of sh*t!”
His face, stained with the humiliation of spitting blood-mixed saliva, looked ridiculous. Because of this kid, four of our classmates had already dropped out, yet he wouldn’t remember any of their names. That’s why I hit him. If I quietly dropped out like the others, he would live his life unaffected, just shifting his bullying to a different target.
No one could defy him, and he had surrendered to power.
With blood streaming down, I grabbed his filthy chin and spoke earnestly while looking at his trembling face.
“Make sure you get out of this school.”
“…What?”
“Get out of here, with no seniors or juniors around, and without your daddy watching your back. Go to a place full of people who don’t know you.”
“…….”
“Try to pick a fight with me just like you did in the first semester. Got it?”
And realize just how much this world you controlled favored you.
“Then, I’ll acknowledge you.”
This kid could never do that. This place may be his kingdom, but beyond it were many who commanded greater realms than he.
“Do you know that?”
As I waited for this kid to show up, I scanned the room and felt that nothing among the trophies lined up beside the bed or the shiny personal items looked precious. The only thing that wasn’t gathering dust was the family photo frame.
I began to understand why this kid had come into my room to steal a picture of all things.
“Your sister hates you more than she hates me, even though we broke up.”
His bloodshot eyes quivered. This was the first time I had seen him this way since we met. The half-torn photo with only guys smiling seemed to hold significant value to him. If he had looked even a bit more closely at the expressions of the women in it, he would never have felt that way.
“Your dad and you act the same way; she said she’s fed up with it.”
“…Shut up.”
“Every time you go to Seoul, your mom isn’t home, and your sister meeting you only at the terminal is just a weird coincidence?”
“I told you to shut your f*cking mouth!”
We encounter this sort of person in life. Selfish individuals who treat their own tiny wounds as if they are special while considering others’ pain as nothing. Human scum who feel the need to take something from others to feel satisfied because they can’t overcome their own deficiencies.
“Others can hurt you just like you hurt them. You just choose not to live like a human.”
Seeing tears well up in those bloodshot eyes, I stood up. The kid, who had been subjected to getting hurt for the first time, could only tremble his chin and glare at me. His swollen face was laughable. He had never shown that side at this school. However, the term ‘first time’ implies that there could be more in the future. Just showing that this kid could get beaten up by someone would create a crack in his omnipotent power. That crack would eventually widen, and the shabby images he had covered up with unilateral violence would spill out.
I didn’t have the time to watch that, so I left his room. As I passed through the main entrance where the slogan about dedicating body and mind to the country and sky was written in big letters, I adjusted the corner of a photo in my pocket once more.
I had no regrets. It was a moment that confirmed I wouldn’t dedicate my body and mind to a place that even abandoned my precious people.
Honestly, I thought he would meet me if I went to find him. Although he had been avoiding not only my calls but also Kang Young-soo’s, I heard that he did meet Young-soo when he came to the bus terminal. Besides, today was my birthday. No matter how blunt he was, he usually treated me a little better on my birthday and brought gifts. I hoped that even if we ended up fighting again, he would still come out to see me. After all, we weren’t on bad terms to never see each other again.
Visiting hours ended, and I was forced out. Ji Seon-uk hadn’t checked my message or answered my call by this hour. Knowing all the circumstances pointed to him having no intention of seeing me, I still couldn’t leave. After sitting at the bus stop for a while, I finally boarded the bus after watching the sunset.
When I arrived at the bus terminal, I realized I was still holding the ice cream cake I had bought to share with him. As I sat down and opened the styrofoam packaging, I found the shape of the cake had completely disappeared into ice cream. Even the dry ice packaging that the part-timer had included with the cake was empty, floating limply above the melted liquid.
I couldn’t serve something like this. Even if I had to continue waiting and didn’t manage to see Ji Seon-uk, I couldn’t just sit here with this ruined cake. I went back to the ice cream shop in front of the terminal and bought the same cake as before. The part-timer, who might remember my face from this morning, tilted his head while gathering the candles. I said the same thing as before: just give me two large candles. Then, unlike before, I added, asking if they could pack in as much dry ice as possible. The part-timer brought three bags of dry ice and emphasized that the maximum storage time at room temperature was only two hours.
Returning to the terminal, I sat down again. I took a deep breath and picked up my phone. I searched for Ji Seon-uk’s name but hesitated for a long time. As I stared at the log full of no incoming calls and only records of failed attempts to call out, I cautiously pressed the call button.
‘The power is off. Beep—then connected to the sound source…’
I had heard that automated message twice before, once at the visitation room and once at the bus stop in front of the police academy. It was still unchanged.
Right, he said he had left. He might have just forgotten his phone and left it in his room. If he had realized he didn’t have his phone only after leaving the school, he probably didn’t feel like going back. Perhaps he would check his phone when he returned and realize I had visited him. He might contact me then. If I took a taxi late at night, I could still meet him for a brief moment in front of the school. There was still hope.
Before leaving the police academy front, I caught a boy of my age who was walking towards the bus stop and asked him about Ji Seon-uk, memorizing the information I learned and affirming to myself that it was worth waiting. I noticed people who looked like police academy students at the bus terminal from time to time too. Just looking at their uncolored black hair that didn’t exceed a certain length was enough to tell. Perhaps because it was the evening, more people were returning after their outings. I scrutinized passersby, wondering if Ji Seon-uk might be among them.
I kept watching as two girls, also of my age with bobbed hair, sat on the front chairs. Their youthful faces exhibited a slightly nervous demeanor as they scanned the area for familiar faces, resembling new students.
“Hey, hurry up and eat. You’ll get scolded if the seniors see you.”
“What does it matter when I’m not even wearing my uniform?”
“Last time, Joo-hee got caught talking like you and got scolded. They said maintaining dignity is important.”
“Oh… right. I need to eat quickly. The bus time is almost up.”
While the girl hurriedly bit into her ice cream, looking around cautiously, she nudged her friend to speak. The girl’s side profile pointing toward the bus terminal exit was playful.
“Oh, speaking of which, Joo-hee texted earlier. She said she saw Ji Seon-uk at the YouPlus movie theater today.”
“Ji Seon-uk? No way. Who was he with? Just the two of them?”
“Yup. She said he was with that senior. The, the second-year senior.”
“With a senior? Which senior? What senior? What the f*ck, is he crazy? Isn’t it the first time he’s gone out with anyone like that?”
“Yeah, that senior he’s been hanging out with frequently. Remember, the kids joked about it last time? Asking if they were dating.”
“Oh… Kim Soo-bin senior?”
My heart raced. It wasn’t because of Ji Seon-uk’s name popping up in their conversation, but because of the name I didn’t know. I had never thought that Ji Seon-uk could be spending time with someone else, not even imagining it during the messages and calls, or even while sitting in the visitation room.
One of the girls turned her eyes to where the other had been gesturing. The large building was visible just partially through the gap in the door. As if cementing what was contained in the buildings, brand names were displayed prominently on the exteriors of each establishment. The first floor housed fast-food chains and franchise restaurants, while the second to fourth floors had a supermarket, and the fifth to seventh floors housed a movie theater.
A place where Ji Seon-uk might be spending time with someone I didn’t know. A place where I might meet Ji Seon-uk if I went right now. My sneakers jerked forward as if enchanted.
Should I go? Just go first…
“What the hell. The reason why you didn’t say anything in the group chat was because of this? If you had, it would have been chaos. They say he went to watch a movie.”
I stopped, almost getting up, staring ahead again. The expression of the girl who had joined the conversation eagerly since Ji Seon-uk’s name came up had turned indifferent. When my gaze met with the girl who had shared the information, we both burst into laughter without knowing who started it.
I stared at the girl who threw away the empty ice cream stick into the trash can beside her, a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders.
“Well, being seen with that senior could be good for maintaining peace among the classmates.”
“Let’s go, let’s go. We should get going.”
The two swiftly stood up and disappeared from my view. All that remained were two ice cream sticks crammed into a clear trash bag. I pulled my attention away from the sticks with difficulty.
‘Why the hell would I go watch a movie with you? Damn, seriously, are you out of your mind?’
I recalled how he used to complain about wanting to see a movie.
My thoughts swirled with conflicting bits of information. If Ji Seon-uk had gone out and watched a movie with someone, it would obviously be a girl. Yet the words I just heard flipped what I had long trusted on its head. The girls spoke as if Ji Seon-uk’s classmates had no qualms about someone he barely knew going out with him. Rather, it seemed to imply that everyone would feel secure as long as he was with that guy.
As my dizzy mind settled, only one hypothesis remained.
Surely not…
“……”
Surely that senior isn’t a guy?
My body stiffened. My mind went blank, like a machine processing information it couldn’t accept. People with a destination passed by my frozen figure.
I knew Ji Seon-uk well. He always felt uncomfortable with Kang Young-soo’s physical contact and set limits on actions towards fellow men without reason. If he had someone special after just one semester, their relationship wouldn’t be simple.
I had never imagined it. Ji Seon-uk meeting a guy.
Just as I hadn’t thought he could be with someone else while I was waiting here, I had never even considered the idea of a guy standing next to him.
Because it was a taboo for me. A matter I should never have looked back on. A question I had chosen to accept without even raising doubts, resolving to accept it as it was.
“Excuse me. Can I pass through?”
When someone called out from behind, that’s when I realized I had been blocking the way, lost in thought. I met the irritated gaze of a boy my age, who was lifting his phone to eye level. The police academy logo on the back of the phone caught my attention unconsciously.
As if understanding the reason for being there, I quickly moved aside and grabbed the cake box that had been beside me. I hurriedly followed the back of the boy walking toward the exit. A puzzled expression appeared on his face when I held onto his shoulder.
“You go to the police academy, right?”
I repeated the question I had asked earlier to Ji Seon-uk’s classmates in front of the police academy. Earlier, it was out of desperation to hear news of Ji Seon-uk, but now I wanted to pass on some information regarding him.
“Excuse me, could you give this to my friend… I’d appreciate it.”
“…….”
“My friend is also at the police academy… I…”
“…….”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to see him today.”
Only after the words slipped out did I realize I had given up on meeting Ji Seon-uk today. The boy, who had briefly frowned, nodded agreeably, albeit reluctantly. He asked who it was for. I took a breath.
“Ji Seon-uk.”
The boy, who had appeared uninterested in Ji Seon-uk, hesitated when I asked him again to help and finally accepted the cake box. Honestly, I couldn’t even recall what expression he made. I didn’t think much about the fact that I had stepped back from the platform and sat on the bench.
The sound of rain broke through my frozen state.
“F*ck, why is it raining suddenly without any forecast, damn it, damn it!”
The driver’s grumbling stirred a commotion among the people surrounding me. Almost no one had prepared an umbrella, as if to prove there was no rain forecast. Those waiting on the platform gathered under the awnings, trying to avoid the downpour until they could board the bus. I looked at people grimacing as they gazed up at the sky, then lifted my head too. A raindrop plopped down on my face.
‘Hey. I’m also going to sleep over.’
Just like that day. The day I promised to stop working on matters related to you.
So if the past me had known this fact I had been repeating incessantly…
“Ha… Hah… You’re running, right?”
“Of course.”
“…….”
“Oh, you must have run here since there were no taxis. You’re completely soaked! Where to?”
If I had known your test paper also had that choice.
“Police academy front.”
As I stood there, I felt the need to directly ask you what future awaited us, vowing so in the rain.
But immediately afterward, I regretted it.
“……”
The second bus stop I visited today. Inside a clear trash bag lay a cake wrapped in styrofoam packaging, wholly discarded. I thought of myself as the person casually entering a theater after having booked a ticket for a tragically sad movie that makes even the trailer choke you up. Upon seeing the ice cream cake that still retained some shape, and the three packaging bags that accompanied it, I even let out a small chuckle in disbelief.
I want to believe that the person who was supposed to hand over the ice cream cake was the one who threw it away, but I know that’s not true. I understand that the probability lies more with Ji Seon-uk, who had ignored my calls for more than 70 days and chose to go out with someone else rather than meet me.
Yeah, this is the you I knew. My thoughts were shrouded like a cloudy sky. There would be no chance of the sun breaking through those clouds. A completely dark sky without a single cloud would actually contain no worries. Only one cruelly certain outcome remains.
It can be discarded without melting. It’s wrong to want to believe it melted away.
The answer key to my test was written with your name. Just because the answer key of your test added an answer doesn’t mean it’s my name.
“Oh? Did you leave something behind?”
“No. I’m trying to go back to the bus terminal.”
“…Didn’t you have someone to meet?”
“I met them.”
I turned to greet the taxi driver, who was momentarily counting money and peeking at the empty bus stop nearby, flashing a smile.
“They told me not to come back, so I’m trying to escape.”
With just those words, the taxi driver, who appeared to glean some understanding, started the engine. Rather than looking back, I slipped my hand into my pocket. I intended to check the time on the ticket I had discarded, but what I touched was our graduation photo that I had kept since A had dropped it in my pocket yesterday. I glanced down at it momentarily in the dark rear of the taxi, then returned it to my pocket. Instead, I took out the bus ticket from the other pocket. The ticket had crumpled from being held tightly by my sweaty hand. I checked the departure time indicated on the ticket and leaned my head against the car window with a thought to arrive by that time. The rain gradually tapered off. I could see the drops hitting the window slowly shrinking. As I listened to the fading sound of rain, I closed my eyes.
My uncle was right. Leaving a precious person behind and not looking back is tougher than chasing after that precious person. So if you can’t stand it, you should at least run, as if you were fleeing.
By the time I arrived in Taean, it was nearly midnight.
“…What about school?”
The old man who heard my presence came out and asked bluntly. His eyes betrayed a significant meaning as he checked the bag I was holding. He likely already heard from my father about my dropping out of school. Despite that, his inquiry to me felt pointless.
“Fix the front door. I heard a lot of outsiders were coming recently; what if a thief comes in?”
While he looked at me blankly, the old man stepped back to let me in. It wasn’t even summer, yet a fan was set out in the hall. It must be because of the rain. The several fans spread throughout the house whirred by, even sweeping through the room of someone who had left.
Just one missing person made the house feel enormous. Meanwhile, the old man seemed so small in comparison.
While I looked at the simple bedroom with just a pillow and a blanket on the floor, I extended my hand toward the old man.
“Please give me a blanket. I’ll sleep in Seon-uk’s room.”
“…Why would you sleep there instead of at your father’s house?”
“My dad’s already forty-eight; it’s about time he learned to sleep alone.”
The old man narrowed his eyes at my absurd reply, but after a brief sigh, he turned his body. From his room, he retrieved a blanket and a pillow. Perhaps it was recently washed, as the scent of fabric softener wafted over when I received them and stepped into Ji Seon-uk’s room.
The room was well organized, in line with Ji Seon-uk’s personality, as well as that of the old man, who would have tidied up whenever he had time after Seon-uk had left.
I spread the blanket and lay down, turning my head to the side. The old man was already lying down, facing away from me. Watching his unyielding back as the fan’s breeze brushed by gave me a strange sense of peace.
“I had my birthday today.”
A low sound of affirmation came as a soft reply from the old man.
“…I know.”
His back remained still. Knowing he wouldn’t turn to look no matter what I said was oddly comforting.
“I don’t want any gifts; please just grill some meat tomorrow.”
That way, I can regain my strength and run away.
Though I hadn’t finished my sentence, the old man seemed to be contemplating something. I could tell simply from the heavy sound of his breathing. I felt glad that mentioning my birthday brought about a response, and not long after, I got his answer.
“…Okay.”
“Please don’t overthink it.” That was the last thing I said before the old man fell silent. I lie there, gazing at his steadily moving back, turning my eyes to the ceiling. I realized I hadn’t made any plans for my escape; thus, I needed to be busy starting tomorrow. So today was the last night I could afford to think aimlessly in this room.
Even in a room without Ji Seon-uk, a faint trace of him lingered. Perhaps he had just been here during the summer vacation. As thoughts of information I didn’t know crossed my mind, I sat up suddenly.
Ah, I need to charge my phone. Just as I lifted the phone I had stowed away in my bag, it vibrated. The moment I saw the name on the screen, my hand moved on its own. It was an action I performed unconsciously. Maybe it was because I had wished for this countless times over the past few days, I thought as I brought the phone to my ear.
“……”
-…….
It was indeed Seon-uk’s breathing. Today, he seemed to take his time choosing his words, as if deciding what he wanted me to remember. I, too, held my breath. Honestly, I was scared that the moment I spoke, the call would disconnect.
-Actually, there was training for freshmen going to Gangneung today, and everyone had to go.
“…….”
-I thought it was a good opportunity to see you all after a long time, so I didn’t attend.
‘So that’s how it is.’ Instead of saying that, I listened.
-I waited for you, who wouldn’t contact me, but then I received a message from the classmates. They said the professor was mad because I didn’t attend and asked if I could come even now. I told them I couldn’t go, but I guess they were worried.