FBF chapter 17 part 3

That’s right, we have a certain future as friends. A future that won’t end and is guaranteed to continue. Just as I watch over you, you will watch over me too. You won’t leave my side; you’ll keep watching over me. Always, always by my side.

Whether I fell asleep waiting for a response or I didn’t even think about hearing an answer in the first place, Ji Seon-uk had already fallen asleep. The flat stomach, with both hands neatly placed upon it, rose and fell slightly with each breath it took. Only at the moment when the wind from the spinning fan brushed against his neck did he scrunch his face as if it were ticklish and turn his head to the side.

“… Yeah. I’ll do well.”

I let out a late response into the face of someone sleeping. After a long hesitation, I slowly reached out. Thanks to the way he tilted his head, I gently placed my fingers on his neck, where his skin was now revealed. Even in the darkness, I could clearly see the blood vessel pulsing robustly beneath his fair skin. It was a heartbeat so strong and healthy that it could not even be compared to the waves my mother’s artery used to send me. It felt like a frequency of life, saying that I was here and alive.

So this guy is…

“…….”

The second tallest kid in the classroom after me. The one who runs 100 meters in just under 12 seconds. The one who has enough stamina to study until midnight even after running around all day. The kid who can walk straight to the bus stop without shaking, even when carrying Kang Youngsoo, who clings to him whining.

At the same time,

The kid who makes me wonder if he thinks about his childhood dreams every time he gazes at the sky for too long. The kind of kid that I shouldn’t cross the line with. A kid without any curves to bend, so if I want to exist even marginally in the line, I have to constantly look to the side and stay in line with him. A kid who would stay in my life as long as I don’t mess up.

Precious to me…

A kid I absolutely cannot lose.

“Ji Seon-uk.”

I call his name quietly, suppressing my heart. I feel like if it’s not this night, I wouldn’t be able to call him like this anymore. I thought I had to say it in my heart while looking at him like this.

To be honest, I almost got the question wrong. I didn’t actually get it wrong, but I nearly did. I wanted to get it wrong. And I wanted to ask you before I saw the explanation.

Because the moment I read the question about ‘people whose names contain the letter ㅇ,’ you were the first one I thought of. Even though the letter ㅇ is at the end of your name, and you’re not a girl, I would just run to you anyway.

But you would never do that. Even if you remembered that the first letter of my name has ㅇ in it, you would hold the hand of a girl who isn’t as close to you as I am. And you would run away without looking back.

But do you know? It’s okay. What’s more important is that you are able to run. What matters is that I can see you running from the side. That you are a person who can run with a healthy heart and strong legs without being sick. Even after passing the finish line, sometimes you might come back to my side. Just like you do with Kang Youngsoo, squeezing some jokes and solving problems that I didn’t know about for the kids in class. That’s all I need. That’s the condition for not having nightmares. Now that I know that properly, I can refrain from being greedy about anything more. So…

“… Don’t abandon me.”

Please don’t let me be haunted by nightmares again. I’m begging you. Please stay by my side. Don’t leave, don’t be hurt, don’t disappear from me.

* * *

High school boys can be divided into two groups: those lacking human rights sensitivity and those who are somewhat better. Surprisingly, it’s the former, who lack shame, that overplays their hand, while the latter, who have some thoughts, tend to hold back. It’s no coincidence that there is a saying about ignorant people having louder voices. The latter must not only endure the noise but also endure the reality that the former seem to be the mainstream. Sometimes, it seems to lead them to delusions.

“So, uh… this is my first time, too…”

Of course. You were the kid who used to walk around with girl group photos stuck to your clear file holder just a week ago.

It just happened that, because I was partnered with that punk, I found myself cleaning alone all week, so I offered to help out with recycling the milk cartons and ended up getting caught behind the gym. The kid who was glancing at me was clearly tentative while trying to speak.

“I really appreciated you standing up for me back then. I’ve been thinking about it since that day…”

As expected, he began the conversation with a line I had anticipated from the moment I was caught. It’s quite impressive that he decided to confess based on an event that happened just three days ago, but thinking back on the other boys who had confessed to me up until now, I suspect it might be a trait among these kids. It almost seems that An Hee-yeon is right about the degree of delusion in boys compared to girls. Just because someone threw a rope to someone floundering, it doesn’t mean that the desire to follow that rope and the intention of throwing it are both love.

Receiving a confession from a classmate and subsequently having to pick my words carefully so that I could refuse without ruining the dynamics of our class is not something I thought I’d have to continue even after coming to Namgo. Fortunately, these kids care a lot about their pride, so at least I don’t expect them to cry.

“Seung-hyun, thanks for being understanding. I’m grateful, but…”

Avoiding eye contact with the boy’s face that doesn’t look like he wants to cry, I casually called his name and threw my arm around his shoulder. I checked the name badge on his chest again. Han Seung-hyun. Okay, I remembered his name correctly.

“I don’t think you actually like me. You’ve thought about it, right?”

“…Huh?”

“Everyone pretends not to notice, and I appreciate that I stood up for you, but honestly, I’m taller and bigger than you, and it seems like I could be a pretty decent boyfriend. So when something like that happens again, I hope you’d be willing to fight for me. Isn’t it plausible to say that you like me, to wrap that complex feeling up so nicely?”

As expected, my words left him speechless. He looked taken aback, as if he hadn’t expected me to pinpoint his true feelings. Not knowing how to argue back, he stood there, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. The feeling of having his emotions dissected in front of someone else must have made him feel ludicrous. I added one more comment while smiling at this defenseless boy.

“You had a girlfriend just a week ago, right? You even showed me pictures of her.”

Sure, he might be the kind of boy who wouldn’t mind dating either a girl or a boy, but the evidence against that is too much to ignore. I would have felt more sincerity had he kept it hidden and I caught onto it first. He seemed truly embarrassed, realizing I had remembered such details. Faced with the reality of his feelings I had exposed, this boy looked more pitiful than ever. I gave his shoulder a reassuring pat and stepped back.

Han Seung-hyun is a model student who diligently engages in environmental cleanup initiated by the irresponsible punks who leave me behind. There’s definitely more work than I expected that goes with being in charge of the student council, and with only a few kids in class actually engaging in conversation, it makes no sense for me to make things awkward. Ultimately, wrapping up this conversation nicely benefits me as well.

“It sucks to deal with low-quality kids, doesn’t it?”

“…….”

“But what can you do? They were just born that way.”

Three days ago, Han Seung-hyun drew attention when he frowned explicitly at the kids who were mocking a smaller kid by pretending to mount him with a condom from sex education class. The fact that he was hopping around insisting it wasn’t true would likely have been an insult to someone, so the boys surrounding him took turns throwing verbal insults at him. The primal instinct of needing to confirm their place in the hierarchy by stepping on others is common among high school boys. Even someone like me, who could cut through that atmosphere, is a rare exception, which must breed both despair and hope.

But was that salvation truly for just one person? Even if it weren’t him who was being harassed, I would have created the same twisted atmosphere. The very notion that salvation comes from affection was naive to begin with. Even if someone is allowed to delude themselves, they should understand that their actions could be entirely thoughtless.

“Study hard and get to a place with higher-quality kids than you. Even if they internally share similar feelings, there are kids who have enough common sense not to show it, or those who have a lot to lose if they say the wrong thing.”

“…….”

“Then, if you still feel good about being with boys in such a place, think about it again.”

It felt a bit like counseling without a qualification. Holding back a sigh, I lightly patted him on the shoulder as if to conclude our talk.

“I won’t tell anyone about today, so don’t worry.”

“…Oh, thanks.”

I glanced down to check the time after the boy looked so stiff. I assumed it would take about 10 minutes, but it ended up being longer than expected. The homeroacher for Ji Seon-uk’s class was quite nagging, so our class had longer reflection time, but that still meant I was tight on time if I wanted to drop by the teacher’s office after doing my rounds. I was worried that Ji Seon-uk would once again be waiting for me outside the office, carrying my bag. I didn’t want to let down someone who hates wasting time and quietly does things without complaint. To him, I would be happy only when I’m not seen as a nuisance. In the first place, starting to have separate lunches once we entered the second year was a response also to this.

I was about to quicken my pace but stopped abruptly. After glancing down at my watch, I finally turned back.

“Hey, and.”

“…What?”

I smiled once more at his blank face. It seemed a bit unlucky, but I thought that if I didn’t say this after wrapping things up, it would be even more unlucky.

“Even if it turns out to be real later, don’t contact me.”

“…….”

“I just can’t be with a guy. I’ve seen gay porn once in a while, and it didn’t turn me on at all.”

Well, you probably didn’t even think about those things before immediately confessing to me.

Still, every time I receive a confession from someone with the same “thing,” it’s a bit of a relief to reaffirm that fact. He looked dazed enough that I didn’t have to say that aloud and just gave him one more shoulder pat before turning away. Now was the time to really hurry.

* * *

It didn’t take long for the amusing story about Kang Young-soo exposing being without underwear to flow into Kang Young-eun’s confession story. It all began with the brief moment before the bus left when An Hee-yeon successfully stole a glimpse of Ji Seon-uk through the bus window and asked if Ji Seon-uk was taller. Kang Young-soo was even more excited, bragging about it, but eventually, the two of them leaned in together seriously discussing the success rate of the confession, which had nothing to do with them.

“Honestly, your sister is so pretty. It’s not like it’s a matter of taste.”

“I don’t think pigs get that kind of treatment for any reason. Well… who knows. I’ve never seen Uikah dating anyone here. Plus, his ex was a trainee….”

“Come on, don’t be so blinded by being a brother and look at it objectively. Your sister is already rumored to be pretty even at our school. The last time I met her downtown, she was nice too. Seems there’s another reason. Maybe it’s because we’ve been together for so long that it doesn’t even cross my mind.”

“Aah… No, no. It’s confusing to think about. I feel like they would have been together if they were supposed to be. I just don’t know how I can get in the way…. I hope they figure things out before they can’t see each other anymore….”

Shaking his head dejectedly, Kang Young-soo dropped his fork onto the plate. I quickly glanced at him before shifting my attention back to the small television in the corner of the snack bar. This snack bar, located under the academy, has its ups and downs, but I feel like it lacks a sense of providing educational broadcasts to students who came in for a breather while studying. Earlier, I watched a math teacher busily moving at the chalkboard and was bored until I felt a poke in my side. An Hee-yeon seemed surprised, as if she had just realized I hadn’t participated in the conversation.

“Why are you so quiet?”

“What’s what?”

“You’ve been watching from the side. Do you have any guesses?”

“None. They’ll handle it themselves.”

There are things in life that are better off not knowing, and this is one of them. As I shrugged my shoulders and popped another piece of tteokbokki in my mouth, Kang Young-soo, grumbling, answered for me.

“This guy didn’t want to play matchmaker, so he drew the line in middle school. Now he’s been lucky enough to stay out of it.”

“Seems like the fastest kid from Jaehang Middle School, as expected.”

“Right? So irritating, damn.”

Seeing the arrow turn toward me suggested our previous conversation must be wrapping up, and I pulled out my wallet from my back pocket. By the time I returned after settling the bill, the two had tidied up their things and were about to stand up.

“Hey, hey, I had a good meal. Next time, I’ll treat you.”

“No need. What for?”

“All right. Then I won’t have to treat you.”

“Sure. After all, if I have any money, I should buy some pants first.”

“Damn it, I just barely forgot about that….”

An Hee-yeon burst into laughter first, and as she headed out of the snack bar, Kang Young-soo suddenly turned back, holding the door as if he had just thought of something.

“Hey. Next week, we’re planning to go watch a movie with Kang Young-eun, right? How about just you and me drop out?”

Not calling Young-eun “pig” means that Kang Young-soo is being surprisingly serious. It’s been a while since he had either teased his sister or easily joked around with Ji Seon-uk about it. Now, Kang Young-soo has two people he cannot give up at all, and thus he hates even the idea of cutting through choices. Even now, he proposes a casual plan with a serious look on his face.

“I picked up on it a bit, but it seems like he’s planning to confess one last time on Seon-uk’s birthday this time. After this year, we’ll be in our third year in high school, and it will be tough to say anything.”

As expected, evidence follows. That insight is only possible when you live with Young-eun and can talk about Ji Seon-uk at ease. With a faint sigh, Kang Young-soo added in a persuasive tone.

“I know you don’t want to think about it at all, but let’s just skip this one, thinking of it as the last chance. Come on? Looking at it, we’ve never really pushed him, have we?”

“…When was it?”

“What? The movie?”

“Yeah.”

“Next Saturday.”

Next Saturday would be July 13. The date sounded familiar because during roll call, our homeroom teacher had mentioned the orientation date for participating in the mock UN program. Memories I had forgotten began to resurface.

‘…My birthday is on November 29 anyway.’

The first thing that came to my mind was a straightforward face that asked what the issue was with the program date overlapping with my birthday in the second semester. I had thought it was a slip-up at the time, but reflecting on it again, it seems I had over-exaggerated the importance of it. Sure, we always gather for birthdays, but I could hardly make a big deal about missing out when I had so many friends that I would almost surely forget my birthday.

When I’m unsure about how far I can go with Ji Seon-uk, I just think by Kang Young-soo’s standard. He cherishes both Ji Seon-uk and Kang Young-eun, plus he’s been observing them closely rather than being at a distance like I am. Moreover, now was one of those rare moments when Kang Young-soo was reaching out to me for answers.

It wasn’t as if I had studied for free; as I felt more unsure, the speed at which I corrected my answers became faster. There was no need to remark on this separately. I nodded at Kang Young-soo, who was waiting for my reply.

“Okay then, I’ll talk to Ji Seon-uk.”

Tugging at the door, I stretched my neck from side to side. I thought that I would have to stop by the teacher’s office when I went to school tomorrow. Attending that mock UN program seemed to be the better choice. After contemplating this for a brief moment, I felt it was indeed essential.

* * *

“Orientation for the mock debate.”

As expected, Ji Seon-uk casually nodded in response. It seemed like he didn’t care that I was missing the movie or that I wouldn’t be around for his birthday.

“They said there’s a pre-meeting among participants in Seoul. It’s on Saturday morning, so I plan to head up right after the break.”

Not bothering to add a few more words to engage someone who clearly looked disinterested, I lowered my head. The vibrating phone revealed messages from my dad.

A few seconds later, a photo sent by my dad appeared. It was a bit funny because he took the picture so straightforwardly, but I gave up nagging him, knowing how recently he had learned to send pictures on his phone. Regardless, the MP3 shown in the photo was precisely the model I had been thinking of. I had asked my dad if they had the MP3 I was looking for and what the price would be, since I was planning to buy it for Ji Seon-uk’s birthday and needed to save up from my allowance.

More replies from my dad followed. Seeing the number 180,000, I did a quick mental calculation. Recently, I hadn’t had many expenses since it was mainly school and academy life… Well, except for the occasional tteokbokki I bought for Kang Young-soo, I thought I could figure out how to save enough more to cover it but stopped abruptly, realizing I might have missed what Ji Seon-uk had just said.

“What did you say? I didn’t catch that.”

I asked back immediately, but Ji Seon-uk shook his head, as if it was nothing really.

“…It’s nothing. Just have a good time.”

That didn’t sound like it. I almost opened my mouth to ask again but closed it instead. It was because of the dark shadow that loomed above Ji Seon-uk. A stranger casually took the seat next to him.

“Who’s going where?”

“Not me, but Lee Ji-hoon. He’s going to Seoul for the mock debate orientation.”

“There’s no way he’s not the biggest punk among the kids you hang out with, right?”

Thinking back, it was also that punk who switched my birthday gift from a watch to an MP3. The tone he had when inserting himself and asking was annoying in itself. It shouldn’t be hard to ask rhetorical questions in the mirror, but apparently, it’s leaning towards doing it in front of a reflection of himself.

“He’s not a dirtbag like you, so he should be fine.”

Even with the most mundane response I could think of, Ji Seon-uk’s gaze turned towards me. He often reacts with that expression whenever I talk to Choi Cheol-seung. He seems worried that I might slip back into bad old habits from my previous life as a punk. The one awkwardly positioned between a former punk and a current one manages to maintain his balance without tipping to either side.

Well, compared to me, who’s judged against a kid who would’ve chewed on glue in class, to Ji Seon-uk, who has lived as a model student all his life, it’s all the same. Yet, he lingers on me slightly longer because he thinks I saved him first. It’s as if he’s silently expressing that he shouldn’t be hanging out with me; that I’m not the reason he’s beside me.

I swallowed a sigh and smiled instead. I recalled that this punk kid, who wouldn’t even touch soybean sprout soup, had been observing me intently, so I decided to scoop up a heaping helping near him.

“Eat plenty of soybean sprouts. That’s how you’ll catch up to the height of the older guys.”

It wasn’t even difficult for me, considering the look on his face seemed like he was hesitating to hold on.

“You should just eat a lot. That’s how you’ll have the strength to study.”

The only relief was that he was putting on a facade of modesty in front of Ji Seon-uk. Earlier, he had been glaring at me with such intensity that now, when I pushed a juice cup towards Ji Seon-uk, he seemed to be contemplating whether to take it.

No matter what his intentions were, watching him act all pious in front of Ji Seon-uk while suppressing his true nature was quite amusing. Eventually, once school is over, the kids he hangs around with will be just as bad as he is. I could tell even from the stench of deceit that Ji Seon-uk wouldn’t fail to notice. It’s just a matter of time before he can’t endure it anymore. But unless it gets to the point of bothering Ji Seon-uk directly, it seems like he won’t show any signs of that now.

I pulled out a tissue from the napkin holder and began to sort my thoughts. After shifting the remaining soybean sprouts into the broth, I couldn’t hide my irritation and locked eyes with the punk. As Ji Seon-uk briefly lowered his head, I took the opportunity to mouth a message to him.