FBF chapter 17 part 2
by VolareJi Seon-uk entered my life in a way different from those who had always been there since birth, like my mom and dad or Kang Young-soo. Even though I had spent more time with some of the kids from the baseball team and shared plenty of stories about my mom, with him, we talked about our mothers even before we really knew each other. We burned our mother’s belongings together, and he even took a picture of my mom’s things to give to me. At some point, whenever I was smiling, Ji Seon-uk was there beside me, and even when I felt like crying, he was still there. Ever since he was by my side, I stopped having nightmares where my mom told me to be happy when I was with him. I had a feeling my mom realized that I would be happy just by being next to Ji Seon-uk without having to say it.
At first, it felt good to escape from the nightmare, but as I started to feel better, I became curious about why I had escaped. It seemed like he was the only one who could provide the answer, so I kept observing him and tried to delve deeper. When I thought about it, he had entered my life so swiftly that I had no time to define our relationship or even give it a name. It was different from how I felt about Kang Young-soo; I couldn’t call him family either. He didn’t fill the void left by my mom, but instead, he adorned the emptiness with flowers and created a separate space next to it for himself. When I tried to ask him why he was there, he seemed just as puzzled by me looking at him. Sometimes, he would wear an expression that suggested he didn’t even know why he was in that position.
Unable to endure this nameless relationship, I found myself lost in a daze as I floundered. It was only after I realized my struggles were not for his happiness, but rather for mine that I understood.
I couldn’t see beyond the boundaries I had built for myself; while he had become something I didn’t want to lose, I hadn’t considered what he didn’t want to lose. Only today did I realize. What he needed now was family. It wasn’t parents who left him tucked away in this countryside and never checked on him, but a figure in his life who would stay by his side, even when he didn’t ask, with the same stoic face as him. I must have known this while observing him, but I hadn’t valued it as significant.
Had I known this, I wouldn’t have spent the past week fretting over when he would tell me this. Instead, I would have acted as the good friend who could convey the things he couldn’t express.
It was late, but not too late. I could still make it right. I focused my attention like a pitcher with two outs in the bottom of the ninth and only then began to take in my surroundings. This pitch had to be thrown perfectly because everything was at stake. If I rushed it, I would screw it up, and if I relaxed unnecessarily, I would lose everything. Once I calmed my heart and cleared my mind, I could see clearly. Then I saw myself within his boundaries. I was sitting closely beside Kang Young-soo, within the boundary of ‘friends.’
Ignoring the nightmare, which swung a bat as if trying to shrink the strike zone, I threw the pitch. For his happiness and, consequently, for my possible happiness.
“Since you’ll be more than fine, Dad, why don’t you try talking to him?”
“……”
“I’ll talk with Seon-uk, too.”
I dream of nightmares because he is precious. Not because I want to become precious to him.
So, I will give up digging into these feelings that make me forget even what I used to know. I will end this nightmare before it deepens. I will crush what is precious in a different form before it becomes more precious, and I will shove it into a name I am familiar with.
Dad gently stroked the back of my head without a word. Until the movie finished, and the rain stopped.
* * *
“…I’m not sure what happiness is.”
The moment I saw Ji Seon-uk’s expression when he said that, I felt relief. Just saying that seemed to indicate he was ready for happiness. I could see smoke rising from inside the main gate behind Ji Seon-uk. It was clear that his grandfather was sitting on the porch, likely waiting for him.
“If you don’t know that, ask the person who you would want next to you for a lifetime.”
“……”
“Ask if they’re happy.”
That person wasn’t me, but they were at least someone I knew well.
If Ji Seon-uk continued to be this honest, I knew his grandfather would never send him to Seoul. I felt confident in that, almost certain. I had seen his grandfather’s face more often than the varying batters in each game. His grandfather can hardly bear the fact that he has to send off his grandson after 16 long years, so he lights a cigarette again and reaches for a drink he hardly ever touches. To that silent man, it was nothing short of a cry for help.
Pretending to go home, I rode my bicycle down the hill and paused beneath Grandma Baek’s house wall. I leaned my bicycle against the wall and quietly crept back up the hill. The blue gate next to his grandfather’s house was old and rusty, so it never fully closed.
I crouched down next to the wall beside the gate and peered into the tiny gap at the corner. I saw Ji Seon-uk looking at his grandfather’s back while the latter gazed back at him.
“I really don’t know what happiness is, but here… here I just feel at peace. I can eat without issue, and I’m not scared at night. I don’t feel lonely either.”
Ji Seon-uk was pleading in a voice I had never heard before.
“I can study hard here, and I’ll try to convince my mom. But if she insists on taking me to Seoul, I can still come here during the holidays…”
Ji Seon-uk’s words abruptly cut off. His grandfather moved. I saw him walk toward the shed and leaned my head against the wall. Without needing to see, I knew. He would pull out the computer he had left in the shed. Not long ago, he had asked my father about the type of computer I used, so it was likely he got one of the same kind. While Ji Seon-uk was buying ointment, his grandfather had purchased a computer. This was the fullest sincerity that two people, who were not good at expressing emotions, could offer each other.
After confirming that they were finally in sync, I didn’t want to watch anymore and went down the hill. I felt it was better this way. It was their special moment, not mine.
I couldn’t help but stare at the sea in front of me. When I had seen it from the pavilion earlier, the sky and sea lit up by dazzling lights looked amazing, but after the festival had ended, the sea was quietly still as if to say it had never had a festival at all.
“Hun, it’s wish time. Quickly, put your hands together.”
Last year, I hadn’t been able to see the light festival from the pavilion and instead watched it with my mom at the hospital. I remembered how my mom’s face lit up with joy when she first saw the lights adorning the sky outside the hospital window and how she immediately put her hands together to make wishes when she saw the words on the screen. I wished silently that she would be able to watch the light festival again next year. Looking back, that wish was for me. Maybe that’s why it didn’t come true.
“Seon-uk, make a wish quickly. It’s a once-a-year chance.”
Not wanting to make the same mistake, I decided to make a wish for Ji Seon-uk instead of for myself. I wished that everything he wanted would come true and that, however it happened, he would be happy. If that could happen, I wouldn’t ask for anything else.
Seeing that wishes come true so quickly made me realize that the problem was indeed my own greed.
I wondered if I wouldn’t have nightmares tonight. I hoped I wouldn’t.
* * *
The moment my grandmother rushed out as I heard the car drive up the narrow road in front of our house, she grabbed my arm and rubbed it for a while before seeing my father unloading his luggage and tearing up. She scolded him for being so thin, asking if he was eating properly. My father, unable to respond, just nodded slightly to hide his reddened eyes. My grandmother and mom looked frighteningly similar. Every time I met her gaze, I was reminded of my mom.
Even before my grandmother and father entered the house, I used the excuse of being hungry to nudge them aside to prevent myself from crying. Grandma’s house had a large yard with plenty to explore. Starting from the fitness equipment my youngest uncle must have left behind to the row of traditional jars, I admired them until I was suddenly drawn to the mat in the corner. Large eggplants and pumpkins had been cut and spaced out to dry. I remembered how the rain had been pouring down right before we set off for Taean, but it suddenly stopped just as we arrived at my grandmother’s house. As I was about to enter the house, my grandmother noticed what I was looking at and explained that they hadn’t been able to dry them out all week due to the rain, so they had to take advantage of the brief moment when it cleared up and collected some pumpkins to bring inside for cooking.
“……”
I felt the gaze of my father on me as I stood dumbfounded, unable to take my eyes off the mat. After a while, I pretended to take my phone out of my pocket and headed to the room. After eating the meal my grandmother prepared, I spent the afternoon alternating between playing computer games and mobile games in my uncle’s room. In the evening, I watched my dad and grandmother play Go-Stop for a bit, but I started to feel unwell, so I secretly went to the bathroom and threw up. Glancing momentarily at the vomit, which had the same form as the pumpkin in the soybean paste stew, I casually flushed the toilet. I felt a bit dizzy, so I returned to the room I used before my mother left and lay down. Naturally, there was no trace of my mom’s scent lingering in that room. Instead, I hugged a book that had become smooth from my mother’s touch and closed my eyes.
When I opened my eyes again, I was in the hospital. My dad and grandmother were looking down at me, each holding one of my hands. Both of their eyes were red. The moment my grandmother saw that I was awake, she seemed to collapse as if her legs had given out beneath her and began to wail.
Staring at the spinning hospital ceiling, I thought, Oh, I must have overestimated myself. I’m not okay. I still haven’t come to grips with things. Just as that thought crossed my mind, I felt a surge of emotion. I raised my hand to cover my eyes, and suddenly, I wanted to see Ji Seon-uk.
“Is it raining there too?”
I felt an urgent need to see him, to witness him being right there without going anywhere.
“Dad… I think I need to go home.”
With that breathless sentence I barely managed to get out, Dad nodded.
By the time we arrived in Taean, it was night. I told my dad I was going to visit Ji Seon-uk’s house, and before he could stop me, I dashed out of the house. I was sure I had left with an umbrella, but when I stood in front of his grandfather’s yard, my hands were empty. I stood in the yard, blankly staring at the bicycle as the rain poured down continuously on my head.
“…Lee Jihoon?”
Slowly turning around with my heavy, rain-soaked body, I saw Ji Seon-uk standing on the dim porch. He looked astonished and rushed down from the porch with wide eyes. Leaning against the overhang, he urgently opened up a black umbrella and swiftly approached me. The rain had stopped. Thanks to the makeshift shelter overhead.
“Did you come back so soon? Why did you come back so early?”
I had never seen him speak so quickly. It was apparent that I must look terrible standing there. Raindrops trickling down my bangs made my eyes sting. Still, I couldn’t close my eyes. I felt like the Ji Seon-uk in front of me would disappear if I did.
Once I was certain Ji Seon-uk wouldn’t vanish, I finally opened my mouth.
“Hey. I want to sleep over too.”
So you’ve been here all along. I’m so relieved.
Unexpectedly asking to stay over late at night, I figured he could refuse without any obligation, but Ji Seon-uk readily agreed more easily than I anticipated. Sensing my presence, Ji Seon-uk told his grandfather that I would be sleeping over. His grandfather glanced at my drenched form for a moment, then fetched an extra blanket from the wardrobe. After telling me to eat breakfast in the morning, he turned back into the room. Ji Seon-uk was laying a mat and blanket on the floor. There was one mat and two blankets. Looking at the two pillows placed a little apart, I locked eyes with Ji Seon-uk. He immediately stood up as if he had been waiting for this moment, pushing me towards the bathroom while slyly passing me some of his clothes through the door. A pair of unopened boxers was laid on top.
When I came out of the shower, I found Ji Seon-uk sitting at the desk. The clock on the desk read 11 o’clock. He always studied until midnight, so he would likely stay at the desk for at least another hour. Just when I thought I should avoid interrupting him and was about to turn away, he called out to me.
“Hey.”
My gaze moved downwards. The notebook that Ji Seon-uk had reached out with my arm raised was filled with neatly organized math problems and solutions. Not grasping the meaning, I stood silently, and Ji Seon-uk began to explain. Aside from the sound of rain, his voice echoed throughout the room.
“That was a math problem you asked me last week that I couldn’t solve.”
“…….”
“I figured it out.”
Only then did a flicker of memory return. It seemed he was talking about a math problem I had asked him in front of the upcoming exam. In truth, I didn’t quite remember what the problem was. I had picked it up from an advanced workbook with five stars next to it, and the solutions were densely packed on a single page, indicating it was probably difficult, so I brought it to him. Since Ji Seon-uk couldn’t solve it within a minute, it seemed like it was indeed a hard one. While contemplating, he had looked up at me, saying, “Is it okay if I solve it later?” as the teacher called his name. At that moment, the problem’s importance hardly mattered, and I had enough of watching Ji Seon-uk’s face while he worked on it. Nodding vaguely, I went back to my seat and soon completely forgot about it. Until he handed it back to me just now.
There were multiple workbooks strewn about on the desk where Ji Seon-uk had just been sitting. He never bothered to remove even one book such that the desk’s outline would be misaligned; I figured he must have created that mess to solve that particular problem. The tower of workbooks sitting on the other side of the room was also slightly disheveled, likely because he had brought them out to look through while solving it.
I felt a lump in my throat and held my breath for a moment. After calming down, I reached out, grasping a thread of unexpected feeling I had. This was given by him, so it’s okay. I made a promise to myself not to lose it.
“…Thanks. I’ll take it tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
After casually responding, he returned the worksheet to the desk and began picking up the scattered workbooks. Before long, the desk lamp snapped off with a soft click, enveloping the room in darkness. I checked the clock’s hands to confirm it wasn’t yet pointing to midnight, and while I hesitated, Ji Seon-uk casually laid down and looked up at me. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you lying down?” I nodded and positioned myself next to him.
Fans were whirring from all directions. The house felt humid from the rain without any air conditioning, so it seemed like his grandfather had put all the fans out. Ji Seon-uk, perhaps used to staring at the back of his grandfather sleeping with his back turned, gave me a sense of comfort.
Seon-uk lay with his eyes closed as if he would fall asleep instantly. I had expected this, but watching him maintain such a textbook posture even while sleeping was somewhat amusing. Perhaps hearing the muffled sound of laughter, Ji Seon-uk turned his face toward me. Our eyes met at an unexpected moment. Surprisingly, Seon-uk spoke first.
“Hey.”
After calling me, he paused for a moment as if lost in thought.
“Did something happen?”
It seemed he was concerned about me standing in the rain earlier. That made sense, considering he was so quick to let me stay over. I hesitated but then shook my head rather than saying no. The moment I tried to explain, I felt tears welling up. As if measuring whether my words were true or not, he stared at me longer than usual, then once again simply stated.
“I didn’t ride bikes with Kang Young-soo.”
Ji Seon-uk wore a puzzled expression as he looked at me without receiving an answer. He seemed to want to believe that wasn’t true.
“Please tell me you didn’t come all the way here just to confirm that?”
“…Not really.”
Finishing my vague explanation regarding my dad’s job made his expression relax a bit. If I carefully thought about it, there had been occasions when we had stood this close while eating or riding the bus, but now that we were lying down together, it was amusing that I could see his face a bit better.
If not, it could be that all my nerves were focused on him. Or perhaps it’s because, thinking it’s good that he would continue living with his grandfather, he unconsciously lowered his walls with me as well.
If it wasn’t for the first reason, maybe he has always treated the person he lies down with this way.
“Then that’s good.”
“…….”
“Sometimes, the two of you drag me into pointless games. It would be nice if you two were more moderate about it.”
After wearing an expression like a weary judge trying to balance between Kang Young-soo and me, Ji Seon-uk closed his eyes again. As I quietly took in his clearer-than-I-expected face, I spoke before his breathing had completely settled down.
“Hey.”
There was no audible response, but I knew he was listening. I continued speaking.
“Do you have problems you can’t solve?”
After a brief silence, Ji Seon-uk laughed as if he found my question absurd. As if questioning why I would even ask that.
“Of course, I do. I’m not a monster or anything…”
“What do you do when that happens? Assuming there’s a set exam time.”
Looking back at me, he carefully examined my serious expression, and his smile gradually faded. The silence stretched out as he turned his head back to the ceiling. It was a while before he finally responded.
“Well, I just mark it and move on.”
“…You don’t pick an answer?”
“I have to. If I don’t, I can’t move on.”
“…….”
“I choose the one with the highest possibility, and while solving other questions, I forget that there’s such a problem. That way, even if I get that question wrong, I only mess up that one.”
I thought it was a typical student response, but still, I couldn’t help but ponder those words. It made me think that what I had just heard might be Ji Seon-uk’s way of navigating through life’s tests. He wouldn’t always share everything with me, so it must be helpful to know this in advance if I wanted to watch him navigate and sometimes assist him.
Fortunately, the habit of observing the top student helping me figure things out may actually have helped me, considering I had already tackled problems related to him in that very way, even before hearing his answer. I had chosen the one with the highest probability as the answer and now just had to live on, forgetting that such a problem even existed while working through the others. Although I had never done this before, I figured since Ji Seon-uk’s very existence was a first for me, it should be fine.
As I came up with my conclusion while Ji Seon-uk had finished his answer, our breaths gradually quieted. At this rate, it felt like neither of us would be able to say goodnight before falling asleep. The room was peaceful and warm. I pulled the blanket up a little higher and stared at the ceiling. This ceiling isn’t spinning, I thought suddenly.
“Lee Ji-hoon.”
The moment I heard his sleepy voice, I flinched slightly. Ji Seon-uk spoke while keeping his eyes closed.
“When I was in Seoul, everyone around me was good at studying… but none of them wanted to study. They all did it because their teachers or parents told them to…”
“…….”
“But you, even without anyone telling you to, you still do it.”
I do it for you. So…
“It’s okay if you don’t understand a few problems. Just keep going like you are now.”
You’ll figure it out too.
“You’ve only got a long way to go. One day, you might even surpass me.”
It was the first time he had spoken as if assuming our future together. He had never joked about the future either. When I first mentioned, “Aren’t you transferring?” he hesitated like he felt sorry for me, and he couldn’t even properly meet my gaze when he replied something that sounded hastily put together. Just from the look in his eyes, it was clear he understood far better than anyone that talking about a future we might share was impossible.
Yet in this moment, Seon-uk responded to that which I didn’t even ask about. He was imagining our future. Just that realization sent waves through my chest. I even forgot that I was supposed to answer.