FBF chapter 16 part 2

“Honestly, it might be a bit weird to say, but doesn’t she resemble our pig?”

Young-eun? With my gaze fixated ahead, I twisted my arms again, tracing the familiar face of a friend from childhood over the residual image of the face I had just seen. Well, overall, I could see the similarity. Seeing my vague agreement, Kang Youngsoo threw out a remark.

“It seems like she likes that type. Not the nice guy she likes, but a bad boy style that seems uninterested in her.”

What nonsense is he talking about? I turned my head without realizing. Kang Youngsoo shrugged and casually tossed his phone onto the desk.

“I think our pig has fallen for the new transfer student.”

I nearly dropped the stretching band in shock. It was so unexpected and out of the blue.

“Are you talking about the Young-eun I know?”

“Oh, exactly. You don’t believe it either, right? It was the first time I saw her like that, she almost seemed shy. At first, I thought she was joking, but seeing her wake up an hour early every morning to do her hair, I think it’s real, and it’s kind of scary.”

“…….”

“I’ve never seen her like someone before, for real. Kang Young-eun? She’s been indifferent to anyone who liked her, and when someone confessed, she even sent them away in tears. You remember that boy who confessed to her in elementary school? He got punished for tugging on her hair just to get a reaction. She scratched his cheek with her nails and then yelled at him asking who was bothering her.”

Can I even just remember it? The vivid memory of Kang Youngsoo walking with a fuming Young-eun in his arms because there was no one else to watch over her while an aunt had to run to the supermarket came to mind. It was unforgettable when my mom laughed so hard at the incident, while my aunt clicked her tongue, questioning where all this aggression came from, as our family didn’t have any violent genes.

“…Well, I understand but, talking about it, she doesn’t seem as prickly as I thought. Hey, she takes the late-night bus every Friday. So, last Friday morning, when I got on the bus and found no seats, she spontaneously gave her seat to our pig the moment one opened up. Isn’t that amazing? They haven’t even talked much, but just turned around naturally. Our pig’s face was all red and she hesitated before going to sit. Could she actually have feelings for our pig? Could they really be good together?”

I was surprised by Kang Youngsoo’s reaction. Even after all that, he was someone who seemed to get tired of all the boys pursuing Young-eun even more than she did. He was the type to get along with anyone, yet he could be hyper-sensitive when it came to matters related to his sister. He was the kind who wouldn’t bring his friends to my place, fearing he might run into Young-eun.

Kang Youngsoo, who was sparkling with excitement, seemed completely oblivious to this sensitivity. Even if he came off as clumsy, I knew he had a keen eye for spotting potential harm to his sister and would cut off anything at its root.

My parents were as close to my aunt as she was to my granddad. As I thought about it, I couldn’t imagine anyone disliking the idea of Young-eun and my granddad’s grandson as a couple. Realizing my lack of response was actually a sign of approval, Kang Youngsoo got even more excited, rambling for a few more moments until his phone rang, prompting him to finally stand up. Over the weekend, Kang Youngsoo and Young-eun alternated watching the supermarket counter. It seemed to be Kang Youngsoo’s turn today.

As he stuck his phone into his pocket with a disappointed look and stood up, he suddenly asked as if an idea just struck him.

“Hey, are we still going to practice on the day of the vacation ceremony?”

“Probably not. The coach hasn’t mentioned anything.”

“Oh yeah. So, are we going to have a sudden match that day?”

“The hell, don’t you have any pride after getting thrashed every time?”

“Damn it. You only won that one lucky time and now you keep bringing it up. Just wait until I wipe you out.”

As I saw his rounded head walking towards the door, I suddenly recalled my mom’s words from a few days ago. I called out to him before he completely stepped out.

“Hey. Your mom wants to see you.”

Kang Youngsoo’s expression froze for a second, then quickly fell. When he came to visit last time and saw my mom, who had lost a lot of weight in a few months, a look of shock crossed his face, and ever since, he couldn’t hide his expression whenever my mom was mentioned. My mom must have sensed it too, and that’s probably why she told him she wanted to see him.

“I… I want to see her too.”

Youngsoo mumbled quietly while gazing at his feet. He seemed to remember something he had heard outside the hospital room. Now, he looked as if he wouldn’t want to see anyone who might make him cry. I swallowed hard. Turning my eyes away from the large tears dropping onto the floor, I resumed handling my stretching band.

“Then come see her, you idiot.”

“…….”

“But don’t go crying when you do.”

It was a while until I could hear him mumble something that was probably an acknowledgment. His voice lacked confidence. After sneaking a glance at me, he hesitated but ultimately left the room without saying anything more. Just a single friend who would endlessly chat disappeared, leaving the room silent in an instant. I glanced at the scattered tears on the floor for a moment before placing the stretching band back on my head. I planned to do three more sets before heading to see my mom. When I told her that Kang Youngsoo would come see her soon, she would clap and be glad. After all, she would say she missed that rounded head so much.

My mom’s hospital room was always bustling with people. Today, some of her university friends came to visit. Despite attending a cyber university, where physical classes only occurred three times a semester, my mom was known for making several friends, and they gathered around in her hospital room. The faces of her friends, instead of looking gloomy, seemed refreshed as if they had just engaged in some joyful banter. One of the older ladies, who was the same age as my mom, spotted me as she stood up to leave.

“Are you our Huy’s son?”

“Hello.”

“Hey, have you met our Huy before?”

“I’ve only heard about him, but I think it’s the first time I’m actually seeing him? Wow, I didn’t realize he’d be this tall and handsome. If I see him on television later, I’ll recognize him right away.”

“Just recognizing him is good enough. Speaking of which, get his autograph while you’re at it. Who knows, it might become valuable later.”

I bowed when I first saw them, but I couldn’t focus on their playful conversations as they stood in front of me. Two unfamiliar bags of IV fluid were hanging from my mom’s IV pole. This indicated that today’s morning examination results weren’t good, which meant they were trying new medications. My mom’s blood pressure hadn’t risen since last weekend. She had even briefly lost consciousness yesterday. My dad had to take me back home at her insistence, and he didn’t return all night, probably worried she’d slip into unconsciousness again.

I had not slept either. I was apprehensive, wondering whether my dad would come back or not. Since my mom got sick, our family’s daily life had revolved around such questions. Sleep deprivation became routine, and even greater stress became a habit.

My mom, noticing my quietness, must have caught on to the sudden change in my mood. I turned my head, as she managed a weak smile while she sent the last visitor off. With my gaze on the small sticker attached to the IV fluid that I couldn’t decipher, I tried to make sense of the unreadable English. I couldn’t read it, but I could tell it differed from the one that was there last time. It had already been six months since she was hospitalized, but I wondered if repeatedly trying new methods was beneficial.

“Sis, haven’t you already told your friend to wait in the car for so long? Hurry and get going. Kids are always faster than us. Keep your mind focused and keep up with them.”

“Oh, what’s with my mind? Alright, I’ll be in touch again.”

Just as my mom’s friend was about to leave, she suddenly turned back. After hesitating for a moment, she walked over and grasped my mom’s frail hand tightly. The person who had just shared a laugh at my mom’s jokes now had watery eyes.

“Just keep doing well, a little longer, just hold on for a bit. You need to see your son’s debut on television, don’t you?”

“Oh dear, you shouldn’t put such pressure on me.”

“You should go see your son play baseball too.”

“…….”

“You need to watch him debut. You should see him succeed. You need to travel abroad on a plane sponsored by your successful son.”

The more my mom’s friend spoke, the quieter my mom became. It had been like this for a while. She could bring all her friends together for a good laugh, but when it came to the topic of her illness, she hadn’t been able to reassure them. Now, she merely brushed her friend’s eyes with her fingers while giving her a gentle shoulder pat.

I couldn’t bear to watch anymore and exited the hospital room with my sports backpack, relief washing over me that I had an excuse to change into my uniform.

After stripping down and changing into the clothes I had brought, I lingered in the hallway for a while before finally returning to the hospital room. The wall clock indicated it was ten. The room was dark. The office worker who had been in the next bed had just been discharged. It had been a while since there was no one else in a four-bed room apart from my mom. The other three who occupied the room with my mom when she was first admitted had all left, and their faces were now a blur to me. Only my mom remained in the room. She had always disliked hospitals and had said that she had only been there to deliver me.

“Hoon, are you going to sleep here again tonight?”

Expecting her to be asleep, I found her reading a book. The moment I lifted the curtain surrounding the bed, she looked up and asked nonchalantly. Instead of answering, I set up the side bed and laid down on it. I could feel my mom’s eyes following my every move, but I intentionally did not look back.

If I answered, the next comment would be predictable. She would tell me to go back home. She would say that there was practice tomorrow, so I should just go home to get comfortable instead of sleeping in this side bed.

Whenever I heard those words, I felt like something inside me chipped away. Sometimes I wanted to argue loudly. Would I really be able to sleep if I went home? Did the discomfort of just the bed in the last few months make me feel like I hadn’t slept at all?

With a soft sigh, she turned off the last light still left on by the bed. My mom seemed to give up on reading and lay down. I could hear the blanket rustle softly.

“Hoon, let’s talk a bit. Okay?”

My mom, playfully poking my back, was persistent. Even if I got annoyed, she seemed to know I would eventually respond to her. I always ended up losing. It was because I had no intention to outdo someone lying in a hospital bed.

“…If you don’t tell me to go home.”

“Oh, but we still need to dry the peppers tomorrow. I can’t do it for several days because they are saying it will rain.”

“…….”

“Fine, I won’t say it today. I promise.”

On a usual day, we would have squabbled for a while, but today, my mom seemed quick to give in. The moment we locked eyes, she smiled as if she had been waiting for it. The rise and fall of my mom’s chest as she turned over to me and crossed her arms was slow and calm. Glancing over at her again, I faced the ceiling. It seemed like she had sensed her son finally wished to engage in conversation as she brought up her prepared questions.

“Do you know Yoo Hye-eun? She’s at your school, right?”

My mom suddenly called out a name that felt out of the blue. At first, it struck me as strange, but knowing she often wandered around the hospital whenever she felt well enough, I accepted it. It seemed she had encountered another child my age during a visit downstairs for medical examinations. I could easily picture my mom, seeing students in the same uniform as mine, approaching them without hesitation to strike up a conversation.

“I don’t know her.”

“Is that so? She seems to have an inkling about you.”

“…….”

“She’s the class president. She seems smart and always answers well in class and is really nice. It would be nice if you two knew each other.”

“A nice what?”

“Come on now. You’re talking without any warmth again. If you meet someone, it’ll be difficulties counting every good or bad aspect.”

“…….”

“It’s about getting to know each other first. Then you want to see them again, and then relationships happen. Like your mom and dad, you could get married one day and live together. Do you remember how your mom and dad first met? Strictly speaking, it was through that ‘Find a Person’ event that brought you two together, as your mom ran off with your dad as soon as she saw the paper and crossed the finish line with him. Love won’t just come rolling in without effort.”

For answering kindly to a skinny aunt pulling around an IV pole without knowing her name, I suddenly feel like that unfamiliar girl from school was being treated as my future girlfriend. I had often raised a concern about being uninterested in making friends, but it was the first time my mom had insinuated having a girlfriend. It was a statement one could brush off, but it hit me hard when remembering how my mom couldn’t summon the words to vow her future to her friends earlier.

My mom’s demeanor lately gave off a feeling that she was preparing to depart. It was evident in her words and actions. She seemed keen on seeing everyone she wanted to before leaving. Wanting to express all she needed to. Even if it was something I could pretend not to see, I couldn’t remain untouched by the moment she began giving me advice as if she were foreseeing a time when she wouldn’t be by my side when I met someone.

“No matter what you say, I won’t have anything to do with her.”

“Oh come on, how can you say you don’t know her?”

My mom shouldn’t be saying that to me. If she knew how I felt when I told Kang Youngsoo to come and see her.

“I won’t meet anyone sick. I hate it.”

My parents would jokingly say that my stubbornness was like my dad’s and my attunement to situations was like my mom’s. Even now, my mom instantly realized I was frustrated and closed her mouth, watching my response.

“I won’t meet anyone who had been sick before.”

“…….”

“I won’t even meet someone who seems like they might get sick.”

Less than three minutes into our conversation, I turned my body around. I felt embarrassed, my emotions flaring, blurring my vision. In this hospital room, all I could do was silently weep. The tears I had shed over the past 15 years of my life seemed paled compared to what I had swallowed in this side bed. I had lived thinking that with effort, everything would come true, but every time I recognized that no matter how hard I tried, my mom couldn’t stop being sick, my life suddenly felt like a lie.

I sensed a presence behind me. My mom rubbed my back, cautiously continuing the conversation.

“Hoon, no one in this world has never been sick.”

“…….”

“Whether in body or mind, at least once suffering is part of life, and overcoming that is also a part of life.”

“…….”

“If it’s someone who can withstand the pain just to be by your side, it’s fine. Isn’t your mom like that right now? Today, the doctor told me not to push myself. I didn’t go out of the hospital. I met a friend from your school just as I was taking a break sitting right in front of the doctor’s office. Your mom has been stuffing herself with food really well these days. The doctor said if she keeps eating well, her blood pressure will drop.”

Listening to her soothing voice, I took a breath. It was funny to think that hearing my mom say that could stop my tears a little. My mom waited patiently until I could pretend to be fine before letting her hand drop when I turned back to face the ceiling again.

My mom was just like me, lying there staring at the ceiling. In the hushed hospital, only the sounds of our breaths echoed intermittently. After I pulled the covers up for her, she opened her eyes as if she had finally awakened from a trance.

“Hoon, is baseball still fun for you these days?”

I hesitated for a moment, and then she added a condition.

“Honestly.”

My mom’s face already showed that she had guessed the answer. I lowered my gaze. Whether under hot sunlight or rain, I was simply throwing the ball. It had been a while since I had found any fun in that activity I had practiced.

How should I discuss this? After pondering, I opted for honesty. My mom gave only a limited number of requests while lying in a hospital bed. Indulging her this request would allow me to throw the ball tomorrow without regretting being rude.

“No.”

“…….”

“But I’m doing well. ”

“…….”

“The coach said if I keep this up, I should continue being the starter. Just need to watch out for injuries.”

My mom, who had been pursing her lips as if she wanted to say something, suddenly smiled like she had changed her mind.

“Really? Our son will really take his mom on a plane…”

In this day and age, treating someone to a plane ride wasn’t that big of a deal, but I swallowed the words that if my mom’s health was guaranteed, I could give up a year’s worth of allowance just to take her. My mom had that happy smile. It seemed as if she was picturing my happy self falling asleep.

With her eyelids drooping as if she were about to fall asleep at any moment, she mumbled just before completely closing her eyes.

“But it would be nice if it was fun too…”

“…….”

“More than riding a plane, it makes me happier that my son is happy…”

As her voice grew smaller in volume, it became almost inaudible. It must have been tough for her to hold on to sleep out of sheer determination to talk to me. I waited until my mom had completely dozed off before turning to face her. With quiet breaths, I could see her body rising and falling softly under the moonlight spilling in from the window.

I placed my index and middle fingers near my mom’s artery. There was a weak, yet enough of a pulse that I could feel it at the tips of my fingers. I had been paying attention to what the nurses did so I could mimic it, giving my mom a sense of reassurance that she wasn’t dead and was still alive beside me.

“Mom.”

I parted my lips, preparing to say something I would never say to my awake mom.

“I’m not ready.”

I didn’t know when I would be ready, but right now was definitely not it.

So just hold on a little bit longer.

“…I’m sorry.”

Please don’t die.

* * *

“Ugh… huff, huff….”

I sat up suddenly, breathing heavily. After adjusting to the thick darkness that seemed to obscure everything ahead, the familiar surroundings slowly came into focus, and I fully realized that I was still in my mom’s hospital room. I hurriedly reached out my hand. My mom was fast asleep, slightly turning her neck toward the window. The moment I felt her slow pulse from her artery, tension in my shoulders released. I exhaled, splashing my face with water.

I had a nightmare. I dreamt my mom was holding onto my shoulder repeatedly saying to be happy. As she began to drift away, no matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t close the distance between us. Just when I could no longer move my legs in exhaustion, I witnessed her vanish into thin air.

Everything felt unsettlingly real. It was ominous given that I usually didn’t remember my dreams clearly, let alone one so distinct. Even though I was assured that my mom was breathing just fine, I still lingered a moment with my hand on my neck until I finally noticed her fingers twitching.

The noise from the hospital eventually trickled into my ears. The clock read 6:30 AM. Even for winter, it felt excessively dark, with raindrops pattering against the window. After glancing briefly into the pitch black outside, I checked my phone. I had a message from my dad. Sent just ten minutes ago, it simply said that he was on his way, so I should be ready.

Today was the day for the training camp. Our coach, who was friends with an underclassman running a baseball team in Busan, finally set up a practice game for us. The coach insisted that no one should miss it. Since the graduating class had already dropped out for the semester break, now it fell to me and my fellow juniors to spearhead the practice. The coach had even called my mom regarding me being the starting pitcher. Having been brainwashed into thinking this was a crucial training, my mom and dad thought a three-night, four-day trip wasn’t long, so they approved. Therefore, my plan for the night was to sleep next to my mom. My dad would come early in the morning to take me to school, where we would meet up with the team.