FBF chapter 12 part 2

Although this place is a boys’ school, I couldn’t deny that the target of the confession wasn’t me this time. The signals that Jeong Yi-young emitted without any intention to hide were overwhelmingly familiar.

My instincts unanimously warned me. Don’t listen. These are words you’re not supposed to hear. My stiff body followed that advice only halfway. I took a step back, my feet dragging behind me. Perhaps because I moved too hurriedly, the sound of my footsteps echoed briefly. Despite being short-lived, it seemed someone outside might have noticed that someone was there. Frozen and holding my breath, I finally inhaled again when I heard Jeong Yi-young’s voice.

“I like you.”

Fortunately, it seemed that no one besides the two of them had heard the footsteps I was worried about. If Jeong Yi-young had known someone else was present, he wouldn’t have confessed so openly.

“You probably didn’t know, but it’s been quite a while. I wanted to tell you at least once. I know it’s going to be awkward for you. But… I’m serious. Since I started having feelings, it’s been like this.”

Only when I had moved far enough away that I could no longer see the two of them through the glass did I blink. Though the physical distance had increased, I could still hear their conversation through the open gap of the back door. I couldn’t run away. Just because the person being confessed to was Lee Ji-hoon.

“……”

“……”

The sound of conversation abruptly stopped. The only sound that assured me they were still there was the gunshot coming from Lee Ji-hoon’s phone. Bang bang, bang bang.

“Don’t you have something to say to me?”

The sound of gunfire ceased just about then. It didn’t gradually fade away like the audio was being lowered, nor did it feel like background music anymore. The sudden silence that engulfed the space felt like it was swallowing everything. Still looking at the wooden floor, I swallowed hard. It felt as if I was going to choke unless I did.

“I do, but I’m afraid it will make you cry more.”

Lee Ji-hoon’s voice was terrifyingly calm, just like usual. Whatever his intent was, it seemed venomous to Jeong Yi-young. With his voice that had been wavering just a moment ago, Jeong Yi-young replied fiercely.

“I don’t care, just say it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I knew that saying this would be because I thought I wouldn’t see you again.”

I took another step back. Late as it was, I thought that if I had any chance to run away, it was only now. Yet again, I could not escape and stood still.

“Are you out of your mind? How are you going to feel seeing my face again?”

Lee Ji-hoon spoke as smoothly as if reciting a script. The quick response he gave didn’t seem fabricated just to hurt someone; it felt like proof that he truly believed it. I was relieved that I couldn’t see the expression on the face of the person who was saying it for the first time. No matter his expression, I would have been much more shocked than Jeong Yi-young.

That was the worst possible reaction I had imagined Lee Ji-hoon would have when being confessed to.

“I was going to say, it seems unnecessary since you planned not to see me again anyway.”

A grating sound emerged. I realized it was the sound of the bag being snatched off the hook. It was more likely Lee Ji-hoon making that noise than Jeong Yi-young, who could hardly even make a sound.

I began to scan my surroundings. The moment I confirmed that the front door of the next classroom was half-open, I quietly tiptoed in. I concealed myself as much as possible, so that anyone looking in from outside wouldn’t be able to see me, and bit my lips to avoid making any sound.

The footsteps grew closer. As soon as I heard the door creak open, Lee Ji-hoon spoke. Perhaps because he was closer now, his voice sounded as if he were speaking right next to me.

“I just want to clarify, I hate you because I think you’re a cowardly and selfish bastard.”

“……”

“We might not run into each other again, but don’t act like you know me. I can’t guarantee I won’t show how messed up I feel like I am now.”

I was familiar with the sound of those footsteps, taking measured steps down the corridor. A few minutes later, a feeble set of footsteps followed. Only after the corridor went silent did I lift my head. The moment I stepped out into the empty hallway, my phone that I had put in my pocket began to ring.

Struggling to move my legs, which felt like they had been nailed to the floor, I headed into the open back door towards the window. I saw a figure sitting at the bus stop. Just to check, I looked back at my seat’s bag hook and saw nothing hanging there. It meant that what I had just seen and heard was real. I exhaled the breath I had been holding back. Lee Ji-hoon’s voice seemed to continuously repeat in my ears.

As soon as I got home that day, I shoved the white package that had been on my desk into the bottom drawer. During that winter, I never once opened that drawer. Not even when I was packing to leave for another school after parting ways with Lee Ji-hoon.

* * *

I fought with Jeong Hyun-jun. It had been five days since the semester started, seven days since Jeong Hyun-jun returned from vacation to his room in Seoul, and around seventy days since I had quarreled with Lee Ji-hoon in Gangneung.

“I just want to clarify, I hate you because I think you’re a cowardly and selfish bastard.”

The dream I had every single night since that winter did not spare me even that day.

Having fought with someone whose face was well-known around the school, I inadvertently became famous in an unwanted way. Once the fight started, there was no one around us. Perhaps because of that, various speculations about the reason for the fight ran rampant. The moment I heard one of those theories, I couldn’t help but laugh. To think we were fighting over who would win the affections of a girl, is there anything more absurd than that?

Jeong Hyun-jun, while fighting, remained oddly silent, as if remembering what I had said. I, too, had no intention of feeding people details. Their silence sufficed to quickly quell the rumors, but this was a small school. It meant that a person who was quietly attending school, almost like a ghost, would eventually hear the news.

The only one who seemed to have sensed something despite not hearing anything was that senior. The moment he saw my battered face, tears welled up in his eyes; he had always been someone who cried easily.

“Why did you do this?”

As soon as I emerged from the training room, he asked with a tone suggesting he had been waiting. He was holding a bag of medicine. I snatched the bag from his trembling hand and peered inside. The moment I found an ointment peeking out between bandages of unknown purpose, I burst into laughter.

“It looks like you were scammed.”

“……”

“Fucidin doesn’t work on bruises.”

It wasn’t the best thing to say in front of someone who was crying, yet I couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably. The situation was just a bit funny. What made me lose my cool? It felt awkward to admit that I had fought because of him.

“You look like you took good care of your nails; you don’t have any scratches. Look.”

His lips trembled as he watched me joking around like that. The gaze sweeping over my cheeks and forehead appeared anxious. I hesitated about whether to say that Jeong Hyun-jun’s face had become much worse than mine, but I dropped it. Before I could say such a childish thing, his face was already on the verge of tears.

“Don’t do this again.”

The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous our relationship seemed. I didn’t want him to cry, but he didn’t want me to get hurt, yet we didn’t love each other.

“I understand, so please don’t cry. If you use this, won’t you stop crying?”

Even knowing the Fucidin wouldn’t help at all with the bruises, I applied it on top of the bruise in hopes it would help him stop crying. Yet, I didn’t even think of wiping his tears. That was how it was every moment spent with him. Each moment reminded me.

Yeah, we are this kind of relationship. If we become too involved in each other’s lives, it becomes a burden. Because beneath that lies not love, but only pity for one another. It was as if I couldn’t even feel like wiping his tears, and rather than feeling fondness, he was probably feeling sorrow and guilt about me. We thought we couldn’t truly love each other, so we readily mimicked it comfortably.

That senior stopped crying only when my face started feeling sticky with the ointment. Looking at my reddened eyes as if to prove his tears were there, he hesitated.

“Did something happen?”

This was the first time he had asked such a question.

“You’ve seemed a bit…”

He hesitated, but the moment our eyes met, he looked resolute. He, who usually looked to me for signs, followed his instinct for the first time instead of checking my feelings. His unwavering gaze made me realize he wasn’t speaking out of impulse.

“You look anxious. I’m worried.”

For a moment, I considered whether I should spill everything to him. Since last winter, the nightmare that wouldn’t leave my mind was the image of Lee Ji-hoon being confessed to by Jeong Yi-young. Despite fighting like that in Gangneung, Lee Ji-hoon had started contacting me again not long ago. Kang Young-soo, still unable to decide between us, was caught in the middle. I knew how to solve it all, but every day, I failed.

Yet, the thoughts that surged like waves in my heart never troubled my throat. I averted my eyes from his gaze. The bulletin board next to the bench we were sitting on was cluttered with poorly designed movie posters. Tomorrow’s release date was written in red. September 2nd. As I read that, I turned my head toward him.

“Do you want to go see a movie tomorrow?”

Seeing his surprised eyes made me realize we had never spent time together outside of school. It was also the first time I had asked such a question. After a considerable pause, he sighed and then nodded slightly, seemingly as if he was resigned to it.

* * *

“Do you want to watch one more movie?”

At half-past eight, that was what I suggested right after we finished watching two films. Even though I could tell he was checking his wristwatch repeatedly during the second movie, I asked insistently. The senior wore a troubled look, as expected. Upon seeing that I was unwilling to back down, he bit his lips and reluctantly shared his reasons.

“I think the last bus might leave.”

“If it’s gone, we’ll just take a taxi.”

“Still… it seems troubling.”

“……”

“We filled out the external outing forms, not an overnight leave.”

His careful words, as if he didn’t want to offend me, were completely valid. I had no logical arguments against it, nor the confidence to appeal to emotion. Meeting his gaze as I crumpled the movie poster I had been holding, he asked.

“Was it a movie you really wanted to see?”

After a brief hesitation, I weakly shook my head.

“No.”

Even though I had skimmed the poster, I didn’t remember anything about the movie. I tossed the poster into the trash can. I felt his gaze follow me, but I didn’t look back. The instant our eyes met, I felt like he would ask why I suggested watching a movie I didn’t even want to see. I directed my gaze towards his shoes and apologized. I was rather grateful that the brim of my hat obscured my view of his expression.

“I’m sorry for pushing you. Let’s go catch the bus.”

I turned my body towards the elevator to go ahead. I sensed hesitation from behind me, but he still followed. The two of us didn’t exchange a single word until we exited the building, crossed the crosswalk, and reached the stop.

“……”

“……”

The notification at the bus stop indicated our bus would arrive in five minutes. I noticed him glancing at me as I fleetingly checked the notification. He seemed to have something to say. Normally, he would muster the courage to ask if our eyes met, but knowing that, I resolved to keep my gaze away from him until we boarded the bus.

The late-night bus was sparsely populated. Even the stop in front of our school was like that. It was a Saturday night. Those who decided to leave school on a Saturday typically waded through the weekend with someone, often leaving for an overnight stay. We were the only ones returning to the school on a Saturday night.

I unexpectedly encountered Jeong Hyun-jun just as he was getting out of a taxi not far from the stop. He was one of those who hardly ever left his room, and he hadn’t even entered the dorm room since yesterday when we fought. Having experienced a semester as roommates, we had come to easily predict each other’s habits. So, it was natural to think he would spend the weekend out. I hadn’t expected to run into him at this hour.

He halted as soon as he saw me, although he did seem taken aback. After noticing the senior beside me, his expression hardened. As I looked at my own bruised cheek, I turned away and pulled the senior along.

“Let’s go.”

The senior, still staring blankly at Jeong Hyun-jun, nodded as our eyes met, snapping him back to reality. Together, we began to walk toward the school while the sound of a taxi door closing resonated behind us.

“Hey.”

It was the senior who stopped, not me. I turned to see the senior looking at me, unable to hide his startled expression. Jeong Hyun-jun was approaching with a frown. He paused a step away, wearing an expression that seemed to hold back something. With a deep sigh, he looked as if he were forcing himself to do something unpleasant.

“This is for you.”

He extended a paper bag with an ice cream brand name printed on it. Perhaps seeing me merely glance at the bag without any intention of accepting it made Jeong Hyun-jun irritable.

“I’m not giving this to you out of kindness. Your friend at the terminal asked me to pass it on to you.”

“……”

“If I had my way, I would’ve thrown it away, but it felt awkward not asking permission first. Take it swiftly while I’m giving it to you. It’s not the most pleasant task to be doing just to comfort the guy who messed up my face.”

I raised my gaze. The bright streetlights cast a wide glow. The color of the brand logo that I had just scowled at earlier seemed to flash before my eyes each time I blinked. Realizing that, I stopped blinking. Fixating on the mobile in Jeong Hyun-jun’s hand, I noticed the police academy badge sticker attached to it.

Right, he must have realized this was why I told him my troubles at the terminal. So he must have asked a stranger to deliver it.

“I don’t care, just throw it away.”

“What?”

“I said throw it away.”

“…Are you out of your mind? This was given to you by your friend. It’s not mine.”

Jeong Hyun-jun replied, frowning. The senior turned back to me with a look of shock. These two spent the most time with me since coming to this school, yet they both expressed confusion over me. I found it unsurprising. Because I had never actually told them anything.

“If you can’t bear to throw it away, just give it to me. I’ll dispose of it.”

Jeong Hyun-jun, like a deer caught in headlights, swiftly handed the paper bag to me. I snatched the bag and shoved it directly into the open, transparent trash can beside the bus stop without any hesitation. I turned around without a second thought, calling for the senior who looked bewildered near the trash can.

“Hyung.”

Both Jeong Hyun-jun and the senior jolted at my call. That was also a title Jeong Hyun-jun used when addressing him. Unlike with other seniors, that informal term he used at times was nothing but a familiar title to me. Yet, it wasn’t something I had ever planned to possess for my lifetime, just as it wasn’t something Jeong Hyun-jun would be willing to lose to me. Ignoring the furious gaze of Jeong Hyun-jun, who seemed to realize why I was calling him that, I locked eyes with the senior.

“Are you going to just stand here? I’m done.”

In that moment, I thought the senior was about to cry. Much like when our eyes had been locked during tears, they glimmered for a brief moment. However, after glancing back at Jeong Hyun-jun, the senior shook his head instead of bursting into tears.

“Don’t look back.”

After I took three steps forward, I uttered words whose intention I couldn’t discern. I hadn’t even confirmed whether he was looking back. Knowing that, the senior gave no reply. Together, we started walking toward the school, leaving Jeong Hyun-jun behind.

“Are you out of your mind? How do you think you’re going to see my face again in the future?”

Was this another dream? As I felt the raindrops falling from above, I thought such thoughts. The boundaries of my consciousness blurred. In my ears, the same phrases were repeating like a stretched tape.

“I was going to say it seems unnecessary since you planned not to see me again anyway.”

The cold voice of Lee Ji-hoon, hitting the nape of my neck, felt like it might be something I could repeat now.

“Just to clarify, I hate you because I think you’re a coward and a selfish bastard.”

Was it possible I was the cowardly and selfish bastard? Not fully escaping, forcing myself to listen to this tape that spun on repeat, trying to convince myself that this miserable state was better than simply ending it.

Would acknowledging that end this loop of playing the tape over? What sort of conclusion must I reach for me to stop using the excuse of wounds that Lee Ji-hoon had never given me?

What kind of conclusion must I reach…

“Seon-wook.”

Could I stop liking Lee Ji-hoon?

In a hazy vision, I blinked with difficulty. The moment I spotted blue Converse sneakers not far away, I lifted my head. Standing before me was someone I would never have seen in the hallways of high school that winter.

When our eyes met, I realized…

This isn’t a dream. Not this rain, not this bus stop where I sat.

“Why…?”

Not even the ice cream I had fished out of the trash had melted completely.

As the senior holding an umbrella looked at my rain-soaked face, glanced at the chair I was sitting on, and finally stared at the vague form of the mixed-up ice cream and its paper cup, his gaze lingered particularly long on the soggy paper. At that point, he seemed like someone who had given up saying anything else.

He already understood everything. Even the reason I had ultimately returned to this bus stop that night.

“Hyung.”

The sound of my voice in my ears felt wetter than I expected, as if I could anchor it somewhere. I barely managed to pull the sticky words from my mouth to present them to him.

“I’m sorry.”

“……”

“I’m sorry for calling you ‘Hyung’ without permission earlier.”

I felt pity for him as he bore with my foolish apology in this pitiful scene. I didn’t want to be the cowardly and selfish bastard toward Lee Ji-hoon, yet I had acted like a cowardly and selfish bastard toward him.

“It’s alright.”

As I recognized him trying to forgive me with his pale face, it dawned on me.

I hadn’t been able to speak to him for fear of this happening. Even when he asked if anything was wrong lately, I dodged the question, and when he asked whether I had wanted to see a movie to kill time outside of school, I had failed to answer that as well. Perhaps I had been terrified of receiving the consolation of “it’s okay” from this senior.

“Hyung.”

“……”

“I’m not okay.”

Because that wasn’t the truth.

“Every time I sleep with you, I think of that bastard.”

While I mimicked every possible facade of affection, in reality, we had been unable to do the most crucial thing.

“Me too.”

Watching him match my tone while appearing as if he might burst into tears at any moment, I still didn’t feel the urge to wipe his tears.

“I know. But…”

“……”

“Mimicking love while thinking of that bastard.”

The day I fought with Jeong Hyun-jun. It had been five days since the semester began, seven days since Jeong Hyun-jun returned to his room in Seoul after vacation, and about seventy days since I had fought with Lee Ji-hoon in Gangneung.

A few days ago, I received a call from Lee Ji-hoon. When I didn’t pick up, a long message followed.