FBF chapter 12 part 1

Five by Five (5×5) Volume 4

0x4

“It’s cold.”

The moment Lee Jihoon saw me at the entrance of the alleyway, that was his remark. True to his nature of being sensitive to the cold, his face was buried halfway in his scarf. Without saying a word, I took out the hot pack from my coat pocket and handed it to him. Jihoon, who was making a fuss as if he were receiving freshly steamed sweet potatoes, only stopped when I frowned.

We stood side by side in silence and walked toward the station. It was the place we decided to meet Kang Youngsoo.

“Do you think Korean will come out well?”

Jihoon asked as we approached the station. It was his overall assessment after taking the college entrance exam. I nodded in agreement. There were more non-literary questions than literary ones, and a significant portion of the test was composed of classical poetry that hadn’t appeared in the past six years. The atmosphere in the classroom was dreadful immediately after Korean language class ended, as everyone had struggled. The cut-off score for the top grade was 95 points in the September mock exam, which was hard to compare with the difficult June mock exam. Everyone felt betrayed.

After pondering for a moment, I turned to Jihoon.

“How was math A?”

“Decent. I think I might lose one point in Korean. How about you?”

“Same here.”

Even though it was the actual college entrance exam, it felt no different from the mock exams we had taken throughout our senior year. Apart from the fact that I was taking the exam at a different high school, I couldn’t even grasp the reality that I had taken the exam. Either way, now that the exam was over, I could tell that I didn’t have any regrets, as there was nothing firmly left in my mind. Jihoon seemed to feel the same; as he sat on the station bench, exhaling into the air as if it were a joke, there wasn’t a trace of lingering emotions on his face.

Deciding to meet at the station, a bit away from where people gathered, turned out to be a good choice. We were the only ones at the station until Youngsoo arrived. After waiting a little longer, we spotted Youngsoo running toward us from a distance. Unlike us, who had taken the exam at a high school right next to the city, he seemed to have taken the exam at a school farther away and had sprinted to make it on time.

“There were just too many people… Too many.”

Panting, Youngsoo started off with that statement. Jihoon playfully tousled Youngsoo’s hair and took the opportunity to show off.

“What did I tell you? If you listen to the older brother, there’s a chance even while sleeping.”

“Yeah, okay. Your dick’s big. Hey, do you want some glutinous rice cake? I had some left over because I forgot to eat it after English. Here, let’s share one with Hoonie and Ugi. We can only eat one each since we have to eat meat at home. Open wide, hurry up. Hyung will feed you.”

As the glutinous rice cake that Youngsoo shoved into my mouth started to dissolve, he received a message from his mom saying we should come home. The moment we got off at the station, we bumped into Grandma Baek from the house next door as she was coming up the alley. Grandma Baek, who recognized us from seeing the news about the exam on television, gifted us each ten thousand won as pocket money. Seeing me hesitate, Jihoon took my share as well, grinning widely and bowing at a 90-degree angle. Youngsoo, standing beside him, took it a step further and hugged Grandma, even kissing her on the cheek.

In the yard, Youngsoo’s mother welcomed us. She was holding a strainer filled with lettuce and perilla leaves. She hurriedly placed the strainer on the fermentation pot and came over to grab my cheek. No matter how cold my cheeks were from suffering in the winter wind, they wouldn’t be as cold as her hands, which had been dipped in cold water. Regardless, it seemed like she wanted to share warmth somehow. As I lowered my height slightly, meeting her gaze made her eyes widen.

“Oh, our son is here. You worked hard. It was cold, wasn’t it?”

“Mom, sorry, but your son, who was born with an upset stomach, is right behind you.”

“Right, my least handsome son. Wait your turn.”

“I’m really getting tired of our women’s aestheticism.”

Annoyed, Youngsoo quickly turned away and hurried up onto the deck.

“Uncle, the son is here.”

“Oh, has he come?”

Youngsoo’s father, who was grilling meat in the living room, chuckled at Youngsoo dangling from his waist. The grandfather, sitting next to him watching television, turned his head. Upon noticing me, he stood up and walked over. Seeing his usually stern face reach out to me made me hesitate for a moment before I took off my bag and handed it to him. He gestured for me to take off my coat as well, so I did.

As he turned toward my room, holding my coat and bag, he paused for a moment before turning back. He seemed to be pondering for a while. However, eventually, he placed his arm over my shoulder. His wrinkled hand pressed heavily on my shoulder. From the warm gaze of the elderly man, I could read deep affection directed at me.

“Good job.”

That was the greatest expression he could make. I smiled slowly and nodded. The dining room behind him had a large table that I rarely saw unless it was a special day. I made eye contact with Young-eun, who was sitting at the corner, looking down at her phone before looking up. For a brief moment, she seemed startled, but she smiled shortly after. It was a soothing smile. Smiling back, I walked over to her to help place the utensils on the table.

Jihoon, who had been joking around with Youngsoo’s mother, came over to snatch the tongs from his father. The sound of multiple feet filled the floor above.

The day of the college entrance exam was cold, just as the television kept blaring. However, I didn’t quite feel the chill. Maybe it was because of the people surrounding me.

“It feels strange to think that in a few months, I might not be here anymore.”

Youngsoo, who had been lying on the wooden deck and whining about having eaten too much, suddenly made that comment. Rather than turning around immediately, Jihoon, who was still looking out at the dark sea, replied indifferently.

“Sure, but when you go to Seoul, who do you think will have the most fun?”

When I glanced at Youngsoo raising his middle finger towards Jihoon’s back, I chuckled for a moment but then lowered my gaze.

Youngsoo’s comment brought back thoughts I had forgotten. Just as he said, in a few months, it wouldn’t be easy to share meals together or even come up to the wooden deck like this. Gathering the three of us outside of vacation time would be hard too. We all had different universities in mind. If everything went as we hoped, our university locations might even be far apart. Youngsoo was likely to go to a university in Seoul, Jihoon to the Air Force Academy, and I would attend the Police University.

“Uka, if I end up in Seoul, you have to come visit me, okay? I might not invite Lee Jidok, but I’ll definitely let you stay. I’ll even share my pillow. For Jihoon, he can just sleep on a newspaper at Seoul Station or wherever. But definitely, the two of us need to have fun together, right?”

Youngsoo clung to me, acting coy as usual. Hearing words directed towards him made Jihoon finally turn his head this way. With a perplexed expression, he bluntly retorted.

“Not happening, you bastard. Who’s going to Seoul to see you anyway?”

“What? Even if you don’t come to see me, you’ve got a girlfriend so you’ll still be going up there anyway.”

Youngsoo was caught off guard by Jihoon’s retort, and after a moment of surprise, Jihoon shrugged and turned back around.

“I broke up with her.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Is there such a thing as a fake breakup?”

“No, when? Why? What happened?”

Youngsoo’s eyes widened in surprise as he clung to Jihoon’s waist this time. Regardless of Jihoon’s annoyance and his attempts to push him away, Youngsoo’s determination to get the answer was palpable. The two of them wrestled for a while, with Jihoon finally pushing Youngsoo’s face away and lying back to signal a temporary ceasefire. After pondering something while staring at the ceiling of the deck, he selectively answered a few of Youngsoo’s questions.

“When was it that we had a hundred days left until the exam? Around that time.”

“You crazy bastard. You broke up then and only now say something?”

“Why should I have said anything? At that point, how could it have been important information?”

While he was not wrong, hearing him downplay the break up with a girlfriend he had dated for nearly a year compared to the exam felt somewhat cold. I thought about the sticker photo that had been attached to Jihoon’s phone. I couldn’t quite remember when I had last seen it.

As the exam approached, we noticeably reduced the frequency of checking our phones. By the time we boarded the van home, we were exhausted to the point of dozing off, much like the seniors we had seen at the study room a year ago.

I wondered when Jihoon had removed that sticker. Had he removed it at all? In moments like these, thinking that he would treat it as just another issue to be dealt with after the exam made my heart feel heavy. I didn’t want that.

* * *

To celebrate the end of the college entrance exam, my mom came to meet me in Taean. It had been almost a year since I last saw her. Every year, without fail, she would stop by my grandfather’s house to leave reference books and daily necessities before vanishing again, and it seemed she was still unfamiliar with the geography of Taean. After driving for a while, she parked in front of a traditional restaurant in town that only seemed to confuse Youngsoo.

“Right. If there’s a police officer in your age group in the family, it wouldn’t be bad. I’ll arrange a meeting with Uncle Sam for you later. He’s well connected in that area, so it’ll be good for you to make a good impression.”

At first, it seemed my mom was not pleased with the idea of attending the Police University, but over the year, she seemed to have found its usefulness, even if inadvertently. Whatever it was, I was just relieved that she wasn’t offering any alternative choices. That was also the reason I just nodded when she spoke of awkwardly meeting relatives.

My mom appeared much lighter after the divorce. She was just as busy and lacked leisure, receiving multiple phone calls about work during our meal, but at least it didn’t feel like she would break down crying alone at the empty table anymore. After ending her third phone call, she pretended to straighten her cushion while glancing at the time. She seemed restless. Upon noticing that she might have to leave sooner than expected, I tried to speak up.

“If you’re busy, you can leave first. I’ll take the bus home.”

Instead of getting up cheerfully, my mom suddenly wore an expression that seemed as if she didn’t know what to say. Her fingertips, which had been touching her work bag beside her, moved further away instead. Looking puzzled at me, she awkwardly smiled. After struggling to figure out where to put her hands, she finally crossed her arms. Even though her posture looked uncomfortable, she seemed to relax a bit.

“No, it’s okay. It’s not that urgent. Hmm… Is there anything you want? Since you did well on the exam, I’ll get you a present.”

Even though I said I wanted nothing, my mom noticed the digital plaza across the street through the nearby window and insisted on taking me there. Before I realized it, I was holding a new phone and also had a hefty laptop bag. Watching my mom chat with the salesman about gaming devices while I stood awkwardly in a corner, I shifted my gaze downward. I was in the section dedicated to music-related equipment. My eyes scanned the area aimlessly until they caught sight of a familiar object: the same model of the MP3 player that Jihoon had given me was lined up on the shelves. Along with the white one I had received, there were various other colors.

“Do you want it? Should I get it for you?”

So focused on it, I hadn’t even noticed that my mom had come to stand beside me. Without looking at the display properly, she seemed pleased simply because I showed interest in an item. The salesman, who had seen her ask if she should buy it for me, quickly approached us. He didn’t hide his excitement at having struck gold when dealing with a non-demanding customer.

“Just so you know, a new version has come out, and your son has a great sense! The silver and gold colors are especially popular. Even though many people listen to music on their phones these days, nothing compares to a dedicated device.”

“Is the silver a new release?”

“Yes, ma’am. The color is clean and pretty, and many have been buying them as gifts for college admissions lately.”

“Do you want this one?”

My mom asked once more. I knew even without nodding that she would insist on buying this for me. She had done the same when buying a laptop and phone. However, aware of that fact, I still nodded.

“Instead, I want that one.”

I felt like that was the only way I could express what I wanted.

“Oh, this one? The white one?”

The salesman looked a bit flustered at my choice of a color different from the one he had been eager to sell. Even when my mom looked surprised, she nodded her head in agreement.

The moment I held the neatly wrapped box containing the device, my heart began to race late. I wanted to see Jihoon’s expression when I gave it to him.

* * *

It was the last day I would be at school before graduation.

Since December started, teachers had given up on pretending to discipline the students. After learning through seniors that it was pointless, they did not train nor teach the students. Those attending school out of obligation to fulfill the remaining class days sprawled across desks and the back of lockers, busy killing time just for showing up in uniform. They read borrowed comic books, watched movies on electronic devices, or played games on their phones.

That time I had to endure lasted until the fourth period. Though it was shorter than the late-night study sessions we had as exam candidates, the students who had changed situations found that time tedious. This wasn’t easy for the homeroom teacher either; this was evident by how relieved he looked when it was finally time for last prayers.

“Go, kids. Don’t cause trouble before graduation!”

As he surveyed the distracted pupils, finally allowing us to leave with a sigh of resignation, dozens of footsteps hurriedly scattered away. As I reached for my bag hanging on the hook to leave the classroom, my eyes met those of the homeroom teacher. He signaled for me to follow. Hastily, I sent a message to Jihoon.

By the time I reached the teacher’s office, a reply came from Jihoon.

While I thought it wouldn’t matter if I left without him, he graciously offered to wait until he got there, which I appreciated. With a lifted spirit, I followed the teacher. He mentioned that I seemed like I would be the representative for the graduates. Having experienced this a few times already as the top student, it was a bit surprising despite my belief that a friend heading to a better university based on cut-off scores could take that position.

The teacher informed me of what I would need to prepare that day, handing me a paper with the order of the ceremony written on it. Catching sight of Jihoon’s name on that sheet without thinking, I unconsciously gripped the end tightly.

At that moment, I realized that Jihoon’s goals had all been achieved, even before he did. Knowing how much he suffered to reach this point filled me with overwhelming emotion. How could I convey this news? The thought of the MP3 I hadn’t given him for over a week made my heart feel uneasy. Even if they asked me to say a congratulatory speech at graduation, I felt I wouldn’t hesitate at all now. But when it came to giving him the MP3, I couldn’t think of any words to say. Whatever I said would inevitably come off as a confession.

Jihoon. And confession. As I contemplated those unfamiliar words side by side, I soon realized that I had arrived in front of the classroom and paused my steps. I approached the door to check if the last person to leave had locked it, only to find it ajar.

As I drew nearer with a folded piece of paper tucked in my pocket, I hesitated upon looking through the glass window.

I had expected to find Jihoon alone inside, but unexpectedly, there was one more person left – Jeong Iyoung. The moment I caught a glimpse of her back, I recognized her, but didn’t understand why she was standing in front of Jihoon. Standing alone in an empty classroom, engaging in a conversation indicated a certain level of intimacy, yet I had no recollection of seeing them greet each other, let alone having a friendly relationship.

The sight of Jeong Iyoung, who seemed quite nervous as she stood before Jihoon, confirmed my suspicions. Her figure, fists clenched tight beneath her padded jacket, looked both determined and precarious like she could fall over with a slight nudge.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Me?”

Jihoon, casually propped on my desk and fiddling with his phone, glanced up to see what was happening in front. Knowing he couldn’t possibly see me standing at the back door, I held my breath involuntarily. But indeed, not spotting me, Jihoon looked away again. While he held his phone with two hands, he seemed to be engaged in a game—one of those silly ones he recently got into a ranking competition with Youngsoo. His expression was unresponsive; however, his fingers moved swiftly.

“I’m listening.”

“…You’re here?”

“Why? Do you need to go somewhere?”

“Ah, no. I’ll just say it here.”

My heart raced like mad. Not only because of Jihoon, but also due to the presence of someone else in the classroom. I understood this atmosphere well. The scenario of someone standing tense, breathlessly gauging their words while being watched by another person, biting their lip in anxiety, was familiar. Because I had always seen such behavior in others.