FBF chapter 10 part 9
by Volare‘Who are you worrying about? I don’t get into accidents.’
At that moment, all the emotions I had pushed down surged forth, triggered by the mention of words from the past that I never expected to hear on a day like today. My chest felt like it was on fire, and my throat was as scratchy as if filled with sand. This was a feeling I had never experienced before, consuming me from the inside out. I was at a loss for how to return to a time when I didn’t feel this way. I felt trapped in a maze I couldn’t escape from.
“You said you don’t get into accidents, you piece of shit.”
I underestimated Lee Jihoon’s friendship. I had never considered that he would strike Choi Hyuk-jun merely because I belittled myself. I had thought that he could end things with Hyuk-jun at my direction because I was somewhat sure that he wouldn’t intervene beyond occasionally grabbing a meal with me like he did. Still, the fact that I wanted to exclude Jihoon meant that I didn’t even like that.
But Jihoon made me afraid of things I never imagined. I didn’t want to be in a position where I waited, worrying if everything Jihoon built would collapse because of me and whether this incident would affect his life in any way.
“Without fear, you crazy bastard… Did you think I would praise you if you did that?”
“……”
“An uncle rushed to help while working. You little shit. If you had done well, you could’ve been suspended. Model UN? Military academy? Don’t bullshit me. No matter how well you’ve done in school or how much you’ve improved your grades, your homeroom teachers will never recommend you now. Who would recommend someone who just messes around in the cafeteria?”
I struggled to speak as tears welled up. I wiped my cheeks roughly and, giving up on saying more, threw Jihoon’s bag he was carrying. After he caught it, I picked up my bag from the floor and walked over to the table.
“Get your reflection letter written while I’m still saying nice things. If you don’t write it, I’ll write it for you.”
I took a pen from my pencil case and pushed it toward Jihoon. Surprisingly, he took the pen without hesitation. Although he looked at my face as if finding it amazing.
“Wow, in my lifetime, I’ve actually seen Ji Seon-uk cry.”
I pretended not to hear and lowered my gaze, but Jihoon’s hand showed no signs of movement. Thinking that if he wouldn’t write it, I could at least write it for him, my hand reached toward the paper.
“Give it to me.”
“Ah, alright. Fine. I’ll write it.”
“… Write quickly. They’re going to lock the gym door in thirty minutes.”
“I think the gym teacher hates me now. Yesterday, if I asked, he would’ve given me a few answers.”
How is he making jokes in this situation? I couldn’t help but lift my head in disbelief and met Jihoon’s grinning eyes. His hand came out quickly as if he had been waiting to wipe my cheeks. It was clumsy, but it held a tissue that was warm.
“Don’t you know that a man only cries three times in his life? You’ve got two left: when Kang Young-soo gets married and when I get married.”
Loving someone who makes such jokes is not easy.
“If you want to cry on time, you’ll have to hold it in with a gas mask in the army. Got it?”
But not loving someone like him is even harder.
“And…”
Jihoon tossed the tissue to the side and pulled the paper closer. He spun the pen a couple of times, then scratched the back of his head as if deep in thought.
“Looking at it, what I did wasn’t for you; it was for me.”
“……”
“There’s just… that feeling, you know? If I let that moment pass while thinking of something else, I might regret it later.”
“……”
“When I have that feeling, it usually turns out to be right. The day my mom died was like that. I got dragged there involuntarily, and it turned out terrible.”
Jihoon’s hand moved across the paper. Unlike his faltering hand that was squeezing out reasons for his mistake, his words flowed easily, as if he’d considered it beforehand.
“What if I can’t go to the Model UN? What about the military academy… The first thing I wanted to be was a pilot. Going to the Air Force seemed like the most plausible option. If I can’t, I can find another way.”
Did Jihoon sit there all afternoon thinking like that? Accepting that the action he took to avoid regret became a reason for abandoning what he had worked towards over the past two years.
“Did you know? A plane can still fly even if an engine fails.”
Jihoon seems to believe he has no romantic notions, but looking at his eyes now, I think the opposite. You can dream of romance anytime; I’m the one who can only hope that your romantic ideals remain intact.
While you were calming your heart over such thoughts, I was having palpitations, thinking that my actions might change your life, and I felt like I could do anything if I could get you out of here. No matter what wounds Choi Hyuk-jun inflicted on you, I wanted to inflict even greater pain on him. I imagined swinging a chair at his head, grabbing his hair, dragging him into this room, and forcing him to apologize for every single one of your wounds.
That was what I had been dreaming about all afternoon.
“When one engine fails, you can land at the nearest airport for maintenance, and even if both engines fail, it’s said you can glide like a glider temporarily.”
“… That’s cool.”
“Yeah. That’s what I liked the most. My life kind of feels like it’s rolling somehow.”
So, Jihoon, I promise you here.
“Hey, by the way, should I lie and say I fought Kang Young-soo 17 to 1?”
“……”
“Too obvious? Should I go with 5 to 1 instead? Just so you know, I’m the 5. No one would believe it even if I said he was a 1. I trained him well.”
The moment he tries to mar your life, I will return double what he’s done. And I’ll put a bigger scar on his life than the one on your eyebrow.
* * *
“I don’t know about anything else, but at least I feel like I can live without itching. The doctor said that it is bearable in winter; if I had a cast in summer, I’d really die.”
With a terrified expression just thinking about it, the hippo climbed up the stairs. It had been two weeks since he had gotten his half-cast removed, and it seemed astonishing to him that he could climb stairs without anyone’s help. As if testing how much shock his foot could endure, he climbed the stairs carelessly until I held his arm to make him stop, after which the hippo turned back and smiled.
“Sorry, but could you avoid gaping your mouth open before brushing your teeth?”
The raccoon pulled his head back and muttered. The moment our eyes met, he pretended to pinch his nose and acted exaggeratedly. It had been two weeks since Choi Hyuk-jun left. Things I thought would never return surprisingly found their place. Just as the hippo marveled at his healthy legs, I too occasionally felt amazed that the two of them returned to my side.
“Hey, but director, isn’t it a lie that Ji-hoon doesn’t play games at home? I went to the PC room that day and convinced myself whenever I had the chance, but no matter how I think about it, it doesn’t make sense. The map he enters is one beginners can’t access, you know?”
The fact that Ji-hoon was still by my side back then and now was the same.
The raccoon, who was spitting out mouthwash, raised a question that caught the hippo’s attention. I paused washing my mouth and shook my head.
“No way. He doesn’t play games at night.”
“Really? Why?”
“Maybe because he’s worried about his eyesight. He needs good vision to become a pilot.”
The hippo turned to me with a shocked expression. He looked as if he couldn’t believe someone would go that far. I just smiled to respond. I imagined how they would react if they realized that this was just the tip of the iceberg of the efforts Ji-hoon was making.
“But don’t you think Ji-hoon really seems like he would?”
“What? A pilot?”
“Yeah.”
“Of course. His grades are good. And he got through this incident.”
The two of them were talking casually while shaking off their toothbrushes when they suddenly turned around. Realizing belatedly that I was involved in that incident, they wore surprised expressions. I shrugged my shoulders.
“It’s thanks to you guys.”
The raccoon scratched the back of his neck. It was an awkward thing to say.
“Aw… Well, there was a kid who had already approached the homeroom teacher first and confessed that he was being bullied by that guy.”
“Still, the help you gave was indeed beneficial.”
“That may be true… Ugh, talking about it makes me feel so cringy. Let’s not do this, okay? It’s gross.”
At first, I thought it was something that took place among adults through some kind of compromise and agreement, but it seemed that various factors worked together for Ji-hoon to end up with no punishment. Ji-hoon and Choi Hyuk-jun had fought, and hearing that I was there, the hippo and raccoon said they had gone to talk to the homeroom teacher the next day. They disclosed the bullying that Ji-hoon had undergone. It was both an act that hinted at a reason why Ji-hoon had acted that way, and essentially an act of kindness offered to protect someone who was not even from our class. The vibrant expressions on both of their faces as they exchanged those facts with me were vivid.
They cited events I couldn’t even remember as reasons for helping Ji-hoon. The fact that I attended the funeral of the raccoon’s younger brother and that I sat down for an hour to help the hippo study. Emphasizing that they returned the favor simply because we are friends. I was relieved that it could serve as an excuse when I handed the newly bought vest to the raccoon.
Unable to endure even a little of the awkward atmosphere, the raccoon leaped away only to return again.
“Hey, hey, it’s amazing! Come quickly!”
His face looked urgent as he pulled my and the hippo’s arms without any explanation. I stopped as I caught sight of the teacher’s office sign.
“What’s going on? Is there no teacher?”
The raccoon nodded vigorously at the hippo’s question, who paused at the same sight as me, urging us with a tight grip on our arms again.
“Yeah, we need to see it before the teachers come.”
“What are we going to see, then?”
“Damn it, the scores are already up on the PE monitor! The November mock exam scores? They must’ve left it on while going to eat!”
That made sense of the raccoon’s excitement. Whether the raccoon’s words were true or not, in the teacher’s office, there were only students in uniforms instead of the teachers who should have been there. Perhaps they had stumbled upon the scene while washing their mouths like us or had brought their friends with them like the raccoon had. In particular, one computer labeled PE was crowded. Starting with those who were on their toes to see better, all the gathered students’ gazes were focused in one direction. Specifically, it was an Excel window on the monitor.
“Ah, shit. This is bad.”
One kid who didn’t like the scores muttered curses as he left, and the raccoon quickly filled his spot. Although two tall guys in front were blocking the view, it was still manageable to see the screen.
[Overall Rank of the National 11th Grade Mock Exam for 20xx – Humanities and Sciences Combined Summary]
Seeing the title at the top, it looked like a document organized by scores without separating humanities and sciences. It made sense that the kids were reacting with such excitement, as the results of a mock exam that hadn’t even received score reports yet were organized in rank order. This would be the subject of discussion regarding future paths until the mock exam in March next year and also used for class assignments in the third year.
I turned my head away from checking the scores. The hippo, the raccoon, and kids nearby were openly staring at me. The moment I saw their expressions that seemed to feel pity, I calmly accepted the fact that I hadn’t placed first in the mock exam.
The surprised looks must have been because I didn’t come in first place in the mock exam.
But I already knew.
‘My sister is friends with that idiot. They attended the same school, and I know roughly how that ended up with him being forced to transfer.’
‘…….’
‘I’ll testify that I was being bullied. It’s a fact anyway. No problems will come of it. If it’s revealed that it was not just a spontaneous act but a habitual one, the situation will be more favorable for Ji-hoon.’
The name written on the name tag of the girl who was with Choi Hyuk-jun, Jeong Min-young.
Jeong Yi-young pulled me out of my daze, saying she looked nothing like my sister except for their names. If I hadn’t heard that, I wouldn’t have known at all.
‘But you help me too, okay?’
‘…….’
‘You just need to mess up once so I can become the top student. Just get one or maybe two math problems wrong for me.’
Hearing that, I remembered the moment Jeong Yi-young had first spoken to me. She had frowned as if she couldn’t believe I didn’t attend a private academy when I told her. After that day, she never spoke to me again. She only noticed me occasionally. Even though I saw her anxiously biting her lips as I handed in my answers in the back row during tests, I never said anything. I had already experienced exhausting situations in middle school. Arguably, it had been worse then. It was just that I didn’t have to make deals like this.
It was easier to understand that she wanted to help me for grades. Two hours had passed since lunchtime, and the teachers hadn’t said a word to me during the breaks. Perhaps I was the one who was desperate rather than Jeong Yi-young. I eventually nodded my head in response to Jeong Yi-young trying to make a deal over something I could never turn down.
I didn’t want to intentionally get the answers wrong, so I chose instead to leave the last two problems blank. When Jeong Yi-young checked my answer sheet, she paused. Upon seeing the two empty boxes, she smiled in satisfaction. I had gotten consecutive 3-point problems wrong, and given that the test was relatively difficult, Jeong Yi-young would surely come out on top without any issues.
The fact that I didn’t come in first place was likely surprising to the other kids, but it meant nothing special to me. As I tried to turn my head dismissively, I found myself unable to move, as I met the shocked gaze of Jeong Yi-young, who was staring at me from not too far away. It was a look that didn’t fit someone who had just claimed the top spot. Something felt off.
I turned my head away again. Just then, someone holding a mouse wheel scrolled the cursor to the very top.
[Overall Rank of the National 11th Grade Mock Exam for 20xx – Humanities and Sciences Combined Summary]
I immediately shifted my gaze toward something not far from the title. There was a name I knew well.
“Ji-hoon? I don’t know. Maybe he went somewhere? He hasn’t left any messages?”
This was what someone from Ji-hoon’s class said when I asked about his whereabouts. It was more surprising to them that I didn’t know, as I pulled my gaze away from him to rummage through my pocket and pull out my phone. To my surprise, the phone was turned off. Even if Ji-hoon left a message, I wouldn’t be able to check it for the moment.
Well, whatever happened, I’d probably meet up with him at the study room for dinner. I remembered that such close calls sometimes happened, even if not frequently. Embarking on the bus by myself, I suddenly felt uplifted, perhaps because I had checked Ji-hoon’s rank. I was sure that some of Ji-hoon’s classmates were among the students checking the ranks on the computers, and so news of his status must’ve already spread.
Since it was a goal I had aimed for, they must have been just as happy. At times like this, it felt a bit disappointing that we weren’t classmates. If we had been in the same class, I could have watched his expression of joy about his achievement right beside me.
As I thought this while gazing out the window, my eyes caught on a bakery. My body moved faster than my head, and the stop I pressed to get off was two stops ahead of where I usually got off.
“I’ll take this one.”
I bought a small cake with red strawberries on top after a moment of indecision. It felt a bit awkward to get back on the bus for just two stops, so I decided to walk to the study room. Even while walking, I found myself glancing down at the cake box. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was overdoing it, but I still wanted to congratulate him somehow. Truthfully, I was happier than when I came in first.
Once I arrived at the study room, I plugged my phone into a charger and headed straight to Ji-hoon’s room. There was no one in Ji-hoon’s room. The space once occupied by his older brother, who had once mentioned to me that Ji-hoon had never entered his room, was now empty. It seemed they had moved out now that the college entrance exams were over. Seeing the clean space, I checked Ji-hoon’s place across from him. The desk, with only a stopwatch on the shelf, was immaculate, devoid of even a speck of dust, reflecting Ji-hoon’s tidiness. The only thing that indicated someone used the seat was a black hoodie hung over the chair. I tiptoed out of Ji-hoon’s room, figuring he must be at the study academy.
Returning to my seat, I turned on my phone. Maybe it had charged during my short visit to Ji-hoon’s room, as the screen lit up the moment I pressed the hold button. Given that it was a phone I had used for over three years, it took a while for it to turn on. I didn’t plan to follow Kang Young-soo’s suggestion to change to a couple’s phone after the entrance exams, but I probably needed a new phone after all. I slid the box containing the cake over a bit and placed my phone in the center of the desk.
Having taken out all my reference books from my bag, I turned around just as the phone screen lit up brightly. Messages that came in while my phone was off began to pop up one after another. Messages from Kang Young-soo, my mom, and the hippo. I searched among the familiar names for Ji-hoon.
Ji-hoon’s message was at the very bottom of the unread messages.
Seoul?
My gaze caught on the calendar I’d set in front of me. A sound of realization escaped my lips a moment later.
“… Ah.”
Today was Friday. It was also November 27th. I remembered Ji-hoon mentioning offhand that he was going to go a day earlier due to a program starting on the morning of the 28th.
Forgotten memories flooded back at once—the Model UN orientation Ji-hoon had attended over the summer, the phone he had been glued to whenever there was a chance throughout the summer, and the sight of his phone’s back I first saw in that snack shop while facing him, where his facial scratches were still healing.
As if he sensed why my gaze lingered, Ji-hoon grinned while showing me a sticker photo he had stuck on the screen.
“Hey, who looks better? Hyewon keeps saying she feels sorry that she looks worse in this photo.”
It was the first time I had heard the name of a girl. Ji-hoon never called girls of our age by their names unless he was joking. Yeong-eun, who I had known since childhood, was the only exception. This was a girl he had not known for long, and the fact that he had called her by her name, as if he were simply mentioning someone, told me she must be an important person who had slipped into Ji-hoon’s life.
In the photo, Ji-hoon and the girl were standing side by side in uniforms. Aware that they weren’t wearing the same uniform, they hadn’t tied their neckties evenly, standing back to back like a poster for a spy movie. Whereas Ji-hoon, with a serious expression, posed in a way that made his hands meet like a gun, the girl was laughing heartily, as if she couldn’t contain herself at Ji-hoon’s antics and covered her mouth. She had a bright smile that suited her well, with rabbit ears drawn on her long, flowing hair. Just by looking at the picture, I could envision the small space that existed only between them, filled with their warm laughter.
In that manner, Ji-hoon revealed to me that he had a girlfriend. It was very different from the way Kang Young-soo would list out every detail about his girlfriends, including their names and how they met, as if reciting a protocol in my ear. It simply slipped out as a matter of course in everyday life.
So I wasn’t as surprised as I thought I would be. My voice seemed steady as I replied.
‘I don’t know about that… but you two really suit each other.’
Ji-hoon raised an eyebrow and shrugged.
“Yeah? I’ll have to tell her. She really likes you. She didn’t say much when I showed her Kang Young-soo’s photo, but I think this will definitely upset him when I tell him.”
Watching Ji-hoon use a fork to pick up tteokbokki, I lowered my head. I felt that I, surprisingly, had gotten over it well and simultaneously realized that I might have already known. Every time I heard Ji-hoon’s voice when he was talking on the phone downstairs in the study room, every time I saw his side profile glancing down at his phone in the minibus going home, and every time I saw him passionately preparing for the Model UN.