FBF chapter 8 part 5

“Even so, he only meets girls.”

“Stop it.”

“He’s not the kind of guy who could like guys like you do.”

“I told you to stop it, you bastard!”

The guy who shoved me against the wall hurriedly covered my mouth. I couldn’t tell if he was scared I’d out him or if he just didn’t want to hear any more bad things about Jeong Hyun-joon coming out of my mouth.

But then again, there was no one in this hallway to hear us. I knew that because I had skipped a mandatory training camp that all first-year cadets at the police academy had to attend to come see Lee Jihoon in Gangneung. Jeong Hyun-joon, whom this senior was so obsessed with, hadn’t even told this senior that the training camp existed.

How could things be this frustrating? I couldn’t take it any longer and lowered my gaze.

“Why…”

I could feel the grip on my collar hesitate. He looked at me, pulling back a bit. His trembling eyes scanned my face thoroughly. His large eyes clearly reflected my messy appearance. I couldn’t take my eyes off myself through his gaze, my body appearing worn out, as though a long day had weighed heavily upon it. Finally, I managed to move my throat.

“Why do you live like this?”

Why am I living like this? Longing for things I’ve never even glanced at, envying things I’ve never possessed, resenting someone I can’t even identify.

The grip on my collar loosened. He finally burst into tears. He hit my shoulder hard with his fist. I took the hits as they came. Even if it was harsh words thrown out as if tossed at a mirror, I thought it justified to take the blows since they were backed by his body. After a while, he stopped. Looking like he still wasn’t calmed down, he mumbled:

“After saying such things, why are you crying?”

We cried side by side for a while. Crying until I finally opened the door and tossed the family tree he had handed me into the trash can. He stood quietly behind me. Even though he hesitated at the sight of his feelings getting thrown away in the trash, he didn’t try to stop me.

“…….”

“…….”

I was the one who approached him first after shutting the door. He didn’t push me away as I drew closer, nor did he move away when I tilted my head toward him. Instead, the moment I grabbed his chin, he cautiously placed his hand over my arm as if comforting me.

It seemed he already had an inkling.

We had both been hurt by this summer-like breed of people and realized we could never walk the same path as them. I, too, was crying while saying such things, loving someone, and it didn’t matter that it wasn’t him.

I covered my tear-soaked cheeks. Looking down at this junior who was smaller than me, I thought of Lee Jihoon, who was taller. That bastard would probably look down at his partner like this when kissing someone. However, he would never look at me this closely. There were boundaries to maintain between friends. Getting so close that we could feel each other’s breath didn’t fall within that boundary.

The fact that I was about to do something with someone I didn’t truly know was something I could never do with Jihoon drove me to the brink of despair. So, I had the sudden urge to take someone’s breath away. Pressing my lips against someone who was gasping for love as if giving them artificial respiration.

“…….”

“…….”

The moment our tear-soaked lips met, I realized that all the fantasies I had about every first time had disappeared.

The first kiss was nothing. Because it wasn’t with Lee Jihoon.

* * *

Despite the intense momentum that hit me, Lee Jihoon didn’t move, still holding onto my lips. In the next moment, he casually pulled back his head. Instead of moving, my lower lip just stretched out. Lee Jihoon moved his lips just enough to not tear them apart. A gap formed between our faces. Both of us weren’t closing our eyes, so our gazes clashed directly.

“Is your preference for keeping your eyes open?”

His speech was surprisingly clear for someone holding another’s lips. Perhaps it was because he enunciated every syllable as if chewing them. Every time I felt him deliberately graze my inner flesh with his teeth while moving his tongue to talk, hot breaths flew out from my nose and upper lip. The slight chill I had felt walking down the hallway was long gone.

“Or are you already regretting it?”

His gaze scrutinized my face as he lowered his eyes. It seemed like he was trying to figure out just how to connect our lips. Our faces started getting closer, then subtly parting again. The moment his nose brushed against my cheek, I swallowed hard. Jihoon, who hadn’t missed that little flinch, chuckled lightly. The lower lip he had been holding was flicked away with a pop. My lips had finally been freed, yet I felt so dazed that I barely registered this new reality. The numbness didn’t seem to stop at just my lips.

“I can give you the first but not the second.”

That was Lee Jihoon’s final remark as he gazed into my eyes. His attitude seemed to offer me a choice, but his body still firmly blocked me. It was as if he knew I would push him away and run if he didn’t. The space Lee Jihoon confining me in gradually shrank. First, it was at home; then in the car; now, it was in this cramped shoe cabinet. His patience and endurance dwindled as that space lessened.

To be honest, I was shocked. I had never imagined Lee Jihoon would go this far. When I said he wouldn’t kiss a guy, I hadn’t meant to provoke him. Rather, it was because I was sure he wasn’t the kind of person who ever felt the need to do so in his lifetime.

In the close proximity where I could feel his breath, I scrutinized his face, trying to gauge what thoughts could lead him to act like this. Other than the fact that he blocked me from escaping with his body, there was nothing different in the way he was looking at me compared to any ordinary day. He didn’t show any impetuosity or involuntary behavior either. Still, that expression I had seen yesterday came to mind.

“Whether it’s a way to prove love or a way to prove it isn’t love, isn’t that all the same in the end?”

“…….”

“Let’s do something we’ve never done. Whatever it may be, if there’s something you wanted to do, do it. I’ll let you do it.”

“…….”

“You’ll find out who harbored illusions about whom.”

Could this be Lee Jihoon’s way of proving that this isn’t love? So, it’s like he wanted to boldly tackle what we’d never dared to do.

I closed my eyes only to open them moments later. I was grateful at that instant when my mouth involuntarily opened. Even if it was a situation I had never even dreamt of before, I had somewhat developed my own manual on how to deal with his unruly behavior.

“I never had an illusion about kissing you.”

Even with a box in hand, if I treated him like a criminal, I could push Lee Jihoon away. However, the reason I couldn’t do that was that he wasn’t a criminal. And even if I did push him away, he wouldn’t be someone I could overpower. Even if I dropped this box at my feet, Jihoon could anytime create a situation similar to the one we were in right now if he wanted. That fact bound my body to its place. Instead of loosening the grip on the box, my hand stiffened. I cast my gaze down at Jihoon’s throat, emphasizing my point.

“Just because you’re doing this doesn’t mean anything will change.”

I lifted my gaze from his immobile neck. I thought he hesitated for a moment but, the instant our eyes met, he grinned wider, making me think that the brief moment of hesitation had been a mere delusion.

“I told you to pick between the first and the second. I don’t recall giving you such choices, though?”

“…….”

“Okay. Then I’ll go with the first.”

As if declaring it, Lee Jihoon slowly moved closer. Following the trajectory of his leisurely advance, I could smell the scent of bubblegum. Watching him close the distance without even blinking, I recalled what the first option was. Crazy bastard. The moment I muttered that, Lee Jihoon grasped my lips. Unlike earlier when he was tugging at my lower lip, he gently bit down on it before raising a hand to cradle my cheek. His big hand seized my face tightly and drew me in close. The moment his finger brushed softly against my cheekbone, a tiny moan escaped my lips.

“…Ugh….”

As if he had been waiting for that, Lee Jihoon sucked my upper lip, and his tongue slipped into the open space between our lips. Just because I didn’t want to be there, he acted like he had manners after barging into my mouth uninvited. He looked so relaxed as if he had all the time in the world. He lightly pressed against the depths of my cheek with his tongue, skimmed against the roof of my mouth, then made soft sounds while flicking our lips together, grinding against my flesh.

“…….”

“…….”

Even with the most supple and slippy parts of our bodies pressed together, I couldn’t feel a shred of reality. The only time it felt real that I was kissing Lee Jihoon was when I locked eyes with him while he was watching my reactions without blinking, even amidst the kiss. At the right moment, he turned his head to allow me to breathe, but his lips came crashing into mine again. He was clearly skilled. So, even if the other party didn’t respond to the kiss, it didn’t matter if I stood still without letting out a moan; he could just continue the kiss at his own pace. His hands caressing my cheeks, his tongue teasingly sucking, and his lips brushing lightly against mine.

“…Ah!”

The hand that had been cupping my cheek was now brushing my ear. The finger tracing the curve of my ear pressed lightly within the tiny ear canal, causing my breath to hitch slightly. The moment my tongue flinched, Lee Jihoon snuck his foot between my legs. I didn’t need to glance down to know that if he moved his thigh even just a bit more, it would touch my center.

In that moment, when our eyes met while he pursued me without caring for such other matters, I pulled back my tongue, which had been flinching as I tried to evade Jihoon’s. Even the glare I had made to avoid showing my fluster faltered, and I shut my eyes tightly to block out his gaze.

Just closing my eyes was the first time Jihoon actually reacted. The sound of his lips hitting mine was oddly provocative. I turned my head away, trying to escape from his hands that had been moving over my cheeks and ears. Thankfully, Jihoon’s hand that hesitated didn’t try to touch me again.

My breath, which I had been holding in, spilled out into the air all at once.

“…Ha…”

“…….”

Even though he stopped kissing, Jihoon didn’t back away. I could feel his breaths, similar to mine, so close like the gentle pressure of my cheeks against his. When I bravely opened my eyelids, I met his gaze, which was almost indistinguishable from when we were kissing. Jihoon’s lips parted without changing expression.

“I can kiss a guy.”

Once more, I felt my cheeks being squeezed. With both of his hands gripping my face, Jihoon quickly pressed his lips against mine with far more momentum than before. The unexpected collision between our lips made a soft sound, reminiscent of a playful peck. This time, there was the additional fact that Jihoon had his eyes closed. Just like how I had done moments before, I raised my eyelids slowly to find myself reflected in his pupils. It felt like Jihoon was gazing at himself within my eyes.

“What now?”

The words seemed directed at me or perhaps to his own reflection in my eyes. As if he were confirming who was there, Jihoon stared intensely before suddenly replying in a bland tone.

“I hoped you’d regret it, but that’s not how it is for me.”

The hand that had caressed my cheeks let go without hesitation. Lee Jihoon finally pulled back. He moved as light as someone who had finished all their tasks. In an instant, everything that had been blocking me disappeared. Lee Jihoon, holding the bag he had carelessly tossed aside, kicked off his shoes.

“I’m hungry. Let’s quickly put away the stuff we bought and eat.”

As I blankly watched him head toward the kitchen, I felt something unusual about the words he had just spoken and his completely casual demeanor. Looking at Jihoon made it seem as if nothing had ever happened. It felt as though it was absolutely normal for us to have kissed like that in this narrow shoe cabinet.

In that moment, I stood frozen as if nailed to the spot, unable to take a single step. Lee Jihoon proceeded to do what he wanted. Judging from the fact that it looked like he had already tidied up the kitchen, he returned to the entrance, pulling something from the bag he had left by the bathroom and turning to me.

“What are you standing there for? Isn’t it heavy?”

Then I realized I was still holding the box. The moment I met his surprised gaze, I bent down. After finally placing the box that had bound me to that spot down, I slipped off my shoes. Then I watched as Jihoon stood up from where he had been bending down, gathered up the items he had taken out from the bag into one hand, turned on the bathroom switch, and stepped inside.

It was only when I saw the bathroom door close that I finally blinked. A reality that I had forgotten about flooded back.

“Are you going to wash up before eating?”

Hearing the sound of the door open, Jihoon didn’t even bother to turn around to respond. Knowing full well I was the only one who would open the door in this home besides him, it almost seemed he understood that there was no reason for me to follow him to the bathroom.

Standing in front of the sink, Jihun had the shaving cream he had just taken from the bag in his hand, positioned near the drawers filled with razors and towels. Instead of answering, I lowered my gaze. I searched for a small drawer attached to the bottom of the sink that Jihoon didn’t use.

‘You’ve never checked, right? You probably forgot it even existed.’

“It’ll be done cooking soon. If you’re not going to wash up quickly, just eat…”

Jihoon’s voice abruptly cut off. He held onto the shaving cream, which he had intended to put away, looking at me in surprise as I closed the gap between us. The look on his face seemed to say he couldn’t comprehend why I was so unprepared for washing up. I felt his gaze, but I closed the distance even further.

Standing this close, I could definitely tell. Jihoon was taller than I remembered when I last imagined him. But he wasn’t the only one who had grown; I was similar, so our height difference was hardly more than a palm’s length.

By Jihoon’s standards with his large hands, perhaps it was about half a palm’s length.

“…….”

“…….”

Within the misaligned gazes, I finally stopped lying to myself.

Could I really have not imagined the first kiss with the guy who made me feel this way?

Instead of expressing this fact aloud, I grabbed Jihoon by the collar. Then, I took his lips with a speed and force I had never dared to imagine.

If my twenty-year-old self saw this scene, how would he react? Would he laugh? Or would he cry? One thing for sure, back then, I had wanted to be close to Jihoon yet probably wouldn’t have wished for a kiss like this.

I didn’t bother grabbing Jihoon’s face. Instead, I narrowed the distance between us, pressing our thighs together. At the same time, with all my strength, I pushed his upper body back.

“…Ah.”

A sound that could only be uttered in pain slipped through our lips, lightly crashing together. Knowing it was a sound inadvertently let out by Jihoon due to my sudden approach, I didn’t hesitate to insert my tongue into his mouth. I poured my tongue into his mouth, which hadn’t completely transferred over the sweet yet bitter scent of bubblegum it had been clinging to while eagerly licking every bit of the insides between us.

It was the polar opposite of the leisurely and longing kiss. But I didn’t care. After all, that hadn’t been my intention at all.

Jihoon, who seemed momentarily stunned that I would kiss like this, quickly regained his rhythm. He pushed into me as if letting me push him away while his body languidly leaned against the small ledge between the sink and the drawers. Matching my stance, Jihoon tilted his chin slightly and responded to my kiss. His tongue danced in sync with mine, and effortlessly, he slipped his other hand over my cheek, practicing the same kind of playfulness he had exhibited during the shoe cabinet kiss earlier.

With the box no longer in my hands, I swiftly grappled Jihoon’s hand that was trying to grab my cheek. Feeling his gaze, I disregarded it and brazenly stirred within his mouth.

“…….”

“…….”

Sucking on his tongue, I rubbed his lips against mine, drinking in the spit he had almost licked clean. Without granting him any time to breathe, I gnawed away at his upper lip, forcing my tongue into his mouth once again. After doing so three times, I noticed Jihoon’s breath becoming ragged. Despite his closed eyes, I could feel him watching me. It seemed his gaze was gradually making itself more discernible. The sensation of our lips crashing together became dulled, each time I pushed my face closer to his when he was briefly holding back to breathe.

Each time I felt our lips gently clash, the senselessness of this kiss deepened needlessly, a chase Jihoon had been trying to endure until my lower lip broke. At that point, Jihoon finally lifted his arms, not to grab my cheeks this time.

It felt as if he finally realized something. That no matter how good he might want to believe this kiss was, it was far from the kind he’d expect.

“…Hey.”

His voice was wrapped in a warning tone as Jihoon shoved me away. I complied with his desires without protest. Jihoon frowned. Watching his knitted brows, I lowered my gaze. His lower lip was swollen, almost torn. Perhaps he noticed it was bleeding, as he brushed his lower lip with the back of his hand before letting out a small laugh. Jihoon’s gaze flickered back to mine, the mark of blood faintly staining his hand.

“What are you doing?”

Seeing his face devoid of any humor made me realize that it wasn’t the kiss I had once longed for at twenty, but it was certainly the kiss I wished for at twenty-nine. Instead of answering, I leaned my upper body toward Jihoon.

“Kissing a guy.”

“…….”

“It seems like you’re not really good at this.”

As I lowered my head toward his torn lip, I contemplated whether I might leave another mark. Jihoon didn’t shy away; instead, he lifted his eyes, watching me approach. We were so close I could almost brush his lips with mine. The metallic scent of blood was faintly present as well. Finally, I decided to move the hand that had been resting idly during the kiss towards the back of the sink where the drawers lay.

The drawer, which I hadn’t thought of opening in over two years, opened easily. Perhaps it was Jihoon’s determination that allowed him to find this space and touch everything inside it. Perfume, razors, and condoms were all placed disorganized in that square compartment, showing that Jihoon had never touched them.

Leaving the drawer open, I picked up the perfume first. The blue-handled bottle was small enough for me to easily grip in my palm. As I observed the remaining white container, having almost less than half, I twisted the handle.

I leaned back and flipped the perfume bottle over the sink. The scent burst forth unrestrained, quickly flooding the narrow space with its strong, woody aroma, invigorating my olfactory receptors thoroughly. I turned my gaze toward Jihoon, who seemed to be fixated on the perfume bottle, casting away the lingering words that attempted to form in my throat.

“The day Hyunwoo premiered his first leading film was the day you returned from the States.”

“…….”

“It was a once-in-a-lifetime event for him, but not for you. However, you were traveling back and forth four or five times a year at that point, so…”

Jihoon’s gaze returned to me. Accepting it blandly, I asked for the first time.

“Where do you think I went that day?”

The answer was known to both of us. But Jihoon remained silent. He knew perfectly well that I was the one who had gone to meet him that day, yet he simply kept his lips sealed, staring at me. I diverted my gaze and threw the empty perfume bottle into the trash can, contemplating why Hyunwoo had left these items behind.