FBF chapter 8 part 1

2.5

“Are you out of your mind? How are you going to look me in the face from now on?”

Since that day, I have been having the same dream every night. The expression on Lee Jihoon’s face, when he spoke coldly, is always overly vivid. Even knowing it wasn’t directed at me makes me question that fact repeatedly.

Perhaps deep down, I might actually think that Lee Jihoon could say such things even when I confessed to him.

‘- – -’

As the alarm rang, I could hear my roommate, Jeong Hyun-jun, stirring in the bed next to me. He was known for being a heavy sleeper. In about 10 minutes, he would be up, looking miserable but wearing his coat. We had twenty minutes left until we gathered for the morning run.

Thanks to the dreams I’ve been having, I had to wake up an hour earlier than usual. I slowly lifted my body up from the bed, tearing my gaze away from the ceiling. As I picked up my phone from the head of the bed, a flurry of notifications popped up.

[Facebk]

Ji Seon-uk, new alarm: 21 notifications – Please check

[Facebk]

Kang Young-soo added a photo you were tagged in. Review the timeline…

It seemed like Kang Young-soo had posted some photos overnight. Without a second thought, I clicked the button and the post appeared.

A photo was uploaded that I couldn’t even remember when it was taken. In the center, Kang Young-soo was grinning widely, and on either side were Lee Jihoon and I. I looked at my awkward expression before shifting my gaze to Lee Jihoon, who was seemingly on a phone call but still managed to grin at the camera. He raised an eyebrow in a cheeky manner.

Kang Young-soo added a photo.

Kim Beom-soo is singing. I miss you…

– With Lee Jihoon, Ji Seon-uk

About 6 hours ago | Like | Comment

Lee Hyun-young and 72 others like this.

Lee Hyun-young: WOW like 11

Park Jin-hyuk: Wow like 2

Kim Min-ji: @Kang Young-soo, why are you the center…? No, how did you even become friends…? Why are you even there…? Like 20

└Jeong Hyun-young: It’s clear that the center is a center; no one else was able to say it openly. Like 18

└Kang Young-soo: @Kim Min-ji, Min-ji, text me; don’t roast me here. Like 33

└Im Jeong-min: LOL, Kang Young-soo is so funny! Like 3

└Jo Min-jun: Guys, don’t pick on Young-soo; despite his look, he’s the star of the Business School. Like 4

└Han Yu-ri: @Jo Min-jun, I’m going to file for defamation. Like 8

└Kang Young-soo: No matter how I see it, you’re the one who roasts me the hardest here… Like 18

└Cheon Gi-jun: LOL.

Kim Yoo-jung: Young-soo, let’s stay close from now on^^ Like 3

└Jeong Hyun-young: 22, I always thought well of you, Young-soo. Like 1

Jeong Min-seon: Wow, LOL, are these Young-soo’s friends? Like 1

└Kang Young-soo: Yup, my BFFs LOL, isn’t your brother the most handsome? Like 3

└Jeong Min-seon: LOL.

└Kang Young-soo: LOL.

└Jeong Min-seon: Sorry, I can’t lieㅠㅠ

└Kang Young-soo:ㅠ_ㅠ Like 1

└Jeong Min-seon: LOL, what class do you have today? If our times match, let’s grab some food! Like 1

└Kang Young-soo: I have 34; I’ll contact you after it’s over! Like 1

Scrolling through the comments, I saw nothing but those of Kang Young-soo’s college peers, and I couldn’t find Lee Jihoon’s name anywhere. I had hopes that the messaging application might provide a different situation, but it was the same there.

Kang Young-soo:

No visit this week, right? 7:37 PM

Lee Jihoon:

Oh, 11:39 PM

Don’t buy tickets, 11:40 PM

Kang Young-soo:

Only first-years again? That’s so unfair; 11:42 PM 1

Who has such strict military discipline these days? 11:43 PM 1

Even in the military, if it goes like this, you’d get taken away, dammit, 11:44 PM 1

Understood, 11:45 PM 1

The last message sent by Kang Young-soo last night had changed to 1. Just like the past month, Lee Jihoon would take a while to even check this message. I had heard about military discipline enough, but I never realized I would feel it this way. The rigorous training and commands left little time for checking phones, and I heard that even his family and friends were not allowed to visit yet. Kang Young-soo, who even heard that Lee Jihoon’s father had not been allowed to visit even once, was now filled with a sense of mission to find a way to see Lee Jihoon every week. Lee Jihoon always replied saying it wasn’t possible. Even that reply seemed rushed and vanished without being read.

Exiting the group chat, I scrolled down. After a while, I discovered the private message room with Lee Jihoon.

Lee Jihoon:

It’s not too cold here after all.

Make sure to dress warmly. If you catch a cold, it’ll be a nightmare. 3:03 PM

It was a message I exchanged with Lee Jihoon on the day of his entering the academy. I contemplated how to respond, but in the end, I couldn’t send any response.

Should I send a message even though it’s late? It’s already full-blown spring now, but still, it gets chilly at night, so I should let him know to be careful not to catch a cold.

Are you really busy? Young-soo is worried about you. I am too.

Are you back yet? Young-soo is really worried.

Very worried.

Worried.

No matter how many times I rewrote it, I only had two words I could send confidently. Like the previous month, I ended up sending no messages and turned off my phone.

‘- – -’

The alarm went off once more. It meant there were only 10 minutes remaining until the run. Jeong Hyun-jun muttered some curses, tossing the blanket aside as he got up. Having barely opened his eyes, he put on his coat but glanced at me, who was getting up to try to get a few more minutes of sleep in the remaining time. It was the beginning of the day.

Perhaps it was due to the fact that the total number of students, including fourth-year police academy students, was about 400. It sometimes felt like we were living out our high school days in university. From morning runs to classes, meals, club activities, we always saw the same people. Of course, this was also conditioned by our environment; we were in a place where finding other people our age was more difficult than finding a university.

It was easy for our classmates to bond, but many felt boredom just as easily. Just a month after entering, everyone was eager to escape this place during weekends for outings and sleepovers.

“Hey, Seon-uk. There’s an opening for a meeting on Saturday; want to join?”

Hearing such a proposal was a sign I was all too familiar with, as I often shook my head in refusal. Initially, when some classmates tried to coax me into joining outings, they soon learned that my “no” meant “no,” and after a while, they stopped asking. However, with every new proposition, they would slyly inquire again. Freshmen, who had once only focused on studying, were suddenly excited to try everything they hadn’t experienced before, especially dating, which seemed the easiest and quickest way to stir excitement among them.

But that was none of my concern. I was more than content spending my weekend fixating on the fact that there were still no new updates from Lee Jihoon.

“Hey! Are you seriously eating before everyone else? You guys have no loyalty, seriously.”

It was only after hearing the scrape of chair legs that I lifted my head. Jeong Hyun-jun, who was putting down his food tray, smiled at me.

“Oh, Seon-uk! Eat well.”

Contrary to the way he just chastised our classmates, his greeting was rather endearing. One of the classmates next to him looked surprised and alternatingly glanced at us until he seemed to have understood.

“Oh, right. You guys are roommates.”

This wasn’t an uncommon scenario. With Jeong Hyun-jun being involved in three clubs and also participating in the promotion squad, it was rare for us to hang out together. Although our class schedules mostly matched, having meals together happened often but actually sitting across from each other wasn’t as common. I hardly spoke about Jeong Hyun-jun, which led classmates to realize we were roommates only when he occasionally mentioned me first.

“Yeah. You know what? Seon-uk here looks really handsome even right after getting up in the morning. I sometimes wake up just to see that.”

A brief silence followed. Yet, the table erupted with chatter again. Classmates burst into laughter, tossed empty yogurt containers towards Jeong Hyun-jun’s tray, or added their remarks, riffing off his joke.

“Ah, this guy is starting to flirt with girls again. But if you end up getting in trouble with a gay guy, that’s gonna be a real issue. You’ll get misunderstood.”

“That dude was like that even at last week’s meeting. Do I really compare?”

“I don’t think that’s the only reason, Jeong-ho.”

“Yeah, so great! You guys can keep the top two popularity ranks in the police academy.”

Even amidst the jeering, Jeong Hyun-jun only smiled, lowering his gaze. He seemed to understand that he didn’t have to take responsibility for whatever conversation emerged thanks to his joking. He was someone who knew he could end the conversation whenever he pleased.

Having arrived the latest yet not speeding up his eating but leisurely checking his phone as he chewed, it was hard to take my eyes off him. Whenever I saw him acting like that, I felt as if Lee Jihoon’s figure overlapped with him, a feeling I had since the day I entered the dormitory. When Jeong Hyun-jun, who had arrived first, smiled and approached me, that feeling emerged more often.

“Hey, do you want to join the promotion squad?”

“…What?”

“I can tell you’ll be suggested by the upperclassmen, so why not apply with me? It’ll be easier to move together since we’re roommates.”

It was a sudden and unexpected proposal. His confidence, believing that he would get into an environment where the promotion squad only picked one or two people from the cohort, came from the awareness gained by living together. Everything about him was easygoing. He would even call his parents for something instead of ordering it himself, and the next morning, the package would be at the dormitory. His heavy sleeping habits were a result of having a chauffeur who would take him to wherever he needed to be on time. Even when his parents warned him that there was no need to do hard work and just enjoy life, he came to the police academy simply because he thought it would be interesting.

“Hey, Hyun-jun. Do you want to meet?”

“Seoul?”

“Yeah. It’s a three-on-three match with the dance department, and we’re meeting in Sinchon. If you go, it’ll be the three of us.”

“Where?”

“Sinchon, Saturday at 4.”

“Sounds good. Just send me the location. I’ll swing by after going home.”

I withdrew my gaze from Jeong Hyun-jun, who answered without ever looking away from his phone, and fiddled with my own phone in my pocket.

Lee Jihoon must be eating now, too. Conversations among boys tend to be the same, so surely someone would be suggesting a meeting, or a blind date, to Lee Jihoon. I wondered what Lee Jihoon would say.

I couldn’t easily imagine his refusal, just as I couldn’t picture his acceptance like how Jeong Hyun-jun had. Just imagining what that might look like felt heavy in my stomach, as if I was going to choke. In the end, I lifted my tray and got up first.

“I’m heading out.”

Jeong Hyun-jun lifted his gaze from his phone to meet mine. After a moment of confusion, he smiled and waved his hand. “See you later, Seon-uk.” His playful and warm response made me turn around. The more I looked closely, the more Jeong Hyun-jun seemed nothing like Lee Jihoon.

Yet, I often felt uncomfortable around him. It was as if Lee Jihoon was somewhere out there acting the same way with someone else.

* * *

Kang Young-soo called me at dawn. It was the weekend when Lee Jihoon had finally been allowed to have visitors. He shared that he woke up early in the morning and had taken a bus down to Cheongju. There was no sign of fatigue in his voice despite the early hour. He rambled about finally seeing Lee Jihoon’s precious face while questioning whether to bring donuts as snacks or chicken.

Normally, I would have cut the call at an appropriate point, but I engaged him enough to listen to the end. Thanks to that, I learned about the procedures Kang Young-soo had to undergo to enter the visitation room. He had even packed some sweet rice drink that Lee Jihoon’s father had asked him to bring. When Kang Young-soo entered through the main gate, he even seemed to catch his breath. Holding a phone with one hand and a bunch of food with the other must have been difficult.

“Seon-uk, but here there’s literally… nothing. Ji-hoon must be so bored.”

Recalling what I had found online about Lee Jihoon’s school during a sleepless night, I nodded. I thought it would have been nice if I had gone too. Unlike Kang Young-soo, who continuously expressed his wish to visit, I didn’t dare mention I wanted to go. Because of that, when I heard that only one person was allowed to visit, Kang Young-soo was picked without question. I was disappointed, but I thought it was a relief that I could still hear about him through Kang Young-soo.

Until the moment he entered the visitation room, Kang Young-soo was still babbling. He whispered that everyone else was either there to see their girlfriends or family, yet he never wavered in his phone call. His tone was full of excitement, suggesting he would see Lee Jihoon soon.

“Seon-uk, but how long has that guy’s hair gotten? I need to make fun of him about that. And then…”

Kang Young-soo trailed off, suddenly silent. The change in atmosphere was strange. Particularly because it was Kang Young-soo who fell silent.

-…….

For a moment, I thought the call had dropped, but it hadn’t. I confirmed there was no problem with the call and brought the phone back to my ear.

“Hello?”

After a while, a voice that sounded choked came through.

-…what is it?

“Kang Young-soo?”

-You fucking… weren’t you banned from visits?

It felt strange to hear Kang Young-soo spitting out curses without his usual playfulness. It was hard to believe it was him speaking, even though I could hear it through my ears. Since Kang Young-soo was in the visitation room with strangers, it made sense that the person he was cursing would be Lee Jihoon. However, Lee Jihoon’s voice wasn’t there; only Kang Young-soo’s heavy breathing, as if he was holding something in, was audible.

“Kang Young-soo. What’s going on?”

Since his reaction was odd, something must have happened, but without him telling me, I couldn’t ascertain what the issue was.

“What’s wrong? Is something up with Lee Jihoon? What is it?”

With each repetition of his name, my heart raced intensely. I wanted to run over and find out what was going on. Yet, Kang Young-soo remained silent even as I insisted. After some time, the words that finally reached me were very faint.

-…Seon-uk, I’ll call you again later.

Kang Young-soo’s voice was unusually calm but filled with moisture. He hung up before I could ask anything more, not giving me a chance to inquire further.

Kang Young-soo called me again later that night. The visitation would have ended in the afternoon, so it was well after he had parted from Lee Jihoon. Yet, as soon as Kang Young-soo spoke, he began talking about Lee Jihoon as if he had been drinking, his speech much more slurred than usual.

-I… that guy… I knew it would be like this… So, I… told him he shouldn’t go there… I’ve told him before… you know? He even did this during baseball… that bastard… Just, you know? Couldn’t he do what he was told? If it’s not to his liking, he wants to change everything from one to ten…

“…….”

-It’s because of that bullshit that he keeps… straying from his path. What the hell… his face… you know? What’s that? There’s nothing except that guy’s face to look at…

The words slurred together. Kang Young-soo sounded half filled with frustration and half as if he just wanted to cry.

-I told him not to drink sweet rice drink… He doesn’t deserve it… With how his face looks, do you think my uncle would want to feed him that?… Damn, I’m definitely going to poke into this… you know? No matter how much of a brat he is, how could he go around looking like that?

I sat on a small bench at the track’s edge, waiting for Kang Young-soo’s call. In reality, I wasn’t just waiting for Kang Young-soo to call; I was waiting to hear news about Lee Jihoon from him. I pieced together the clues from what Kang Young-soo had said just before he hung up and imagined countless scenarios. I dreaded imagining the worst possible news that could leave Kang Young-soo speechless upon seeing Lee Jihoon. Just that thought alone felt like it was shattering my heart into pieces.

However, the moment I heard the detailed account of what happened, I realized that in the moment when my heart shattered, I could do nothing. I just sat there blankly, listening. Lee Jihoon had lied to us, saying he couldn’t have visitors while he took beatings from the upperclassmen, and that what he thought was a slightly better appearance after recovering was so shocking that it left Kang Young-soo without words the moment he saw him. еще более ужасающий фактом было, что, несмотря на все это, Lee Jihoon managed to show a determination to endure it, asking why Kang Young-soo was making a fuss over something so trivial.

After sobbing for a while, Kang Young-soo quieted down. I had been worried he would be alone, but fortunately, he seemed to have his girlfriend by his side. She took the phone from him, and I, feeling shameless, hung up.

Looking down at my phone, I saw the device I hadn’t had the guts to contact Lee Jihoon with for the last month. My hand finally moved on it. I didn’t even need to search for Lee Jihoon’s number in my contacts. I had memorized it after staring at it for so long.

I thought Lee Jihoon might not answer. I’ve heard that he sometimes got hit and had his phone snatched away. Lee Jihoon had said that he’d gotten so fed up with that that he just turned off his phone. So, this call would likely go unnoticed in the call log the moment it failed to connect. Before I knew it, it would gradually sink down the list.

Still, I had to call. I wanted to hear his voice, no matter what.

Thankfully, the notification that his phone was off did not come through. Instead, the ringing continued, lengthening as if to notify that someone might never answer.

I kept dialing, as if I had forgotten how to remove the phone from my ear. Each time the ringing became prolonged until a recording told me the call cannot be completed, I would redial. My legs started to tremble, having sat here in this position for eight hours waiting for Kang Young-soo’s call. However, that didn’t matter. Just hearing Lee Jihoon’s voice felt like it would wash away everything and make everything alright.

A notification popped up that the battery was down to 10%. Ignoring the alert, I pressed the red button once more. The sound, familiar to the point of becoming embedded in my brain, kept playing relentlessly.

And then.

-…Hello.

On the 29th attempt, Lee Jihoon finally answered the phone. His voice was just as I remembered, unchanged.

“…Hello.”

Only then did I exhale sharply. The moment I heard Lee Jihoon’s voice, I felt the sensations in my body returning, sensations I had forgotten.

For the past month, I had worried. What if he asked why I called when I had nothing to say? What if I were to confess that I just wanted to see him and was thinking of him? Wouldn’t that expose my feelings? Yet, Lee Jihoon didn’t give me the chance to ponder such things.

-Why are you still awake at this hour?

“…….”

-Can’t you sleep?

Hearing him ask so casually, as if the past month’s silence were nothing, made the tears stream down my cheeks. Everything was as it had always been. Contrary to what Kang Young-soo had said, Lee Jihoon didn’t let on at all that he was enduring a hard time.

Only after I took a long breath could I finally speak.

“Young-soo was saying…”

Lee Jihoon fell silent. It was as if he already knew what I was about to say. So, I decided to start with something he wouldn’t expect.

“I heard that there’s a guesthouse run by a classmate’s grandmother in Gangneung.”

-…….

“There’s a forest beside it, and the ocean is right in front.”