FBF chapter 7 part 3

“Shaving cream?”

Ah… right. I felt like I had forgotten something. Before I could even be surprised that someone who never even glanced at it would notice that I hadn’t bought it, I felt awkward. I placed the frozen items I was holding on top of the two bags calmly sitting on the back seat and turned the handle of the passenger door.

“I forgot. I’ll go buy it quickly.”

Instead of opening, the door clicked and locked instead. The moment I turned my head, I caught sight of him throwing his phone forward. This meant that it was Lee Jihoon who had locked the door to prevent me from getting out of the car.

“Forget it.”

“You said you were out.”

“Yeah. Since I didn’t have any, I just bought some.”

It was hard to tell if he was joking or serious as he said it nonchalantly. In the end, I turned my body around to check the contents of the bag. Without needing to rummage through the bag, the moment I spotted the four-pack of shaving cream sitting on top, I could only ask Lee Jihoon.

“Why did you ask me to buy it if you were going to buy it yourself?”

“I was curious if you would remember and buy it.”

“…What?”

“To remind you while I was waiting alone?”

He was being ridiculous. I stopped engaging in pointless banter and fastened my seatbelt. Just when I thought he would start driving after putting down his phone, Lee Jihoon turned his body towards me instead of starting the engine.

“So.”

He let out a clumsy adverb and then stared at me in silence for a while, making it impossible for me to discern his intent. Grimacing, I asked, as if to clear the path.

“What?”

As if he had been waiting, Lee Jihoon continued.

“What does your ex-boyfriend say?”

Leaning forward with his arms resting on the steering wheel, it seemed like he had no intention of driving yet. At least not before finishing whatever he was about to say.

“…….”

“…….”

In a space where I couldn’t escape, a hush fell like fog. Lee Jihoon wasn’t taking his eyes off me, as if he wanted to observe my reaction. Even with the passenger door locked blocking my way out, he still pressured me into a corner with his gaze. In the dark underground parking lot, whether it was day or night, the only light came from the cars circling around, searching for parking spots.

“Min Hyunwoo. Right?”

With a screech, as the tires turned, a shadow fell across Lee Jihoon’s body before disappearing. Under the blinding lights, we stared at each other without blinking. I answered only after enough time had passed to be certain that he wasn’t saying this casually.

“When did you find out?”

Again, the sound of tires spinning could be heard. Lee Jihoon slowly lifted his body. I couldn’t read his expression as he quickly glanced at the approaching car from a distance. His lips opened smoothly, not showing any signs of tension even amidst the hectic scene.

“What are you asking about?”

“…….”

“Are you asking whether he’s a person who comes up when you search his name on a portal site, or if he’s your ex-boyfriend?”

Since he even brought up the portal site, he seemed to have figured out what kind of job Hyunwoo had. I couldn’t know when he found out, but I understood one thing: now that we had gotten to this point in the conversation, pretending I didn’t know would be useless. I also knew that Lee Jihoon was the type of person who could easily brush off how he learned this.

I moved my tongue, which had been frozen in place.

“Both.”

Lee Jihoon shook his head slightly, emitting a faint sigh. Still not satisfied, he rubbed the back of his neck and replied indifferently.

“Do you check the bathroom drawer? The one in the corner.”

That wasn’t an answer to my question, and I had no idea why he asked. After a long moment of thought, I realized he was referring to the small drawer under the sink. The drawer where towels and razors were kept was something I had put aside and ignored, thinking there was no need to remove it since it was there before I moved in. I tried to think back to Lee Jihoon’s intentions when he mentioned something I had even forgotten, only to remember the story I heard a while ago.

“If you were just a middle school friend, I wouldn’t be cleaning the bathroom at a friend’s house while throwing away three hundred every week.”

It was a comment from Lee Jihoon made in the restroom at the restaurant during Kang Youngsoo’s birthday. The way he brought this trivial statement back to the table suggested he wanted to talk about something I didn’t know.

“You’ve never checked, right? You must have forgotten it even existed.”

It was clear just from the way he inquired, as if he expected that.

“Thus, he comfortably hides those things.”

“…….”

“Perfume, razors, and condoms are all in there.”

The ‘he’ that Lee Jihoon was so sure of must be Hyunwoo. I had broken up with Hyunwoo shortly after moving in, and since I hadn’t met anyone else since then, if someone had left those behind, it could only be Hyunwoo. I thought about the drawer I hadn’t opened in two years. It was quite a strange coincidence that the first person to discover that item—of which I had no idea of its meaning—was Lee Jihoon.

“There’s nothing in there from the brand you use.”

I pictured Lee Jihoon approaching Hyunwoo earlier. For that brief moment, he must have been convinced. Whether it was because he checked the razor in the basket Hyunwoo was holding or he caught a whiff of Hyunwoo’s cologne, I didn’t know.

I swallowed a hollow laugh and turned my head outside. I could feel the aftereffects of the confession I had made were rather deep. Just looking at the fact that I ended up talking about romance, a subject I had been too afraid to touch for so long, with Lee Jihoon easily illustrated that. Above all, the thought that similar things might happen again over the next two months made me feel uncomfortable already. Each time, he would likely charge at me with a notion that everything needed to be cleared up.

It was a misplaced obsession. However, there was nothing I could do to take it back. After a moment of despairing sighing, I touched my throbbing head.

“So.”

“So?”

“Stop dodging and talk. What you’re curious about that made you bring this up?”

Instead of looking at Lee Jihoon, I fixed my gaze on the driver’s seat, where the key wasn’t even in the ignition. It felt distant that the car wouldn’t move until this conversation ended somehow. Lee Jihoon’s car had broken down, and there was a water leak in my house due to bathtub renovations. None of it seemed connected. However, with Lee Jihoon’s determination to turn those crises into opportunities, we ended up facing such results.

Even while we were having a good conversation before, I would occasionally awaken to the fact that we were spending this time with different purposes.

“Agency With Hyun Company, Korea National University of Arts Theater and Film Department, play , 65th Baeksang Arts Awards Best New Actor.”

The information flowed out rhythmically, as if it was memorized. It was Hyunwoo’s profile.

I recalled the image of Lee Jihoon looking down at his phone when he got into the car. The act of focusing intently on that screen might have been because he was looking at Hyunwoo’s profile, which made me let out a frustrated laugh. Seemingly hearing that, Lee Jihoon turned to me and casually added. His voice delivering the source of his information was calm.

“I was coming out of the mart, and it was chaos everywhere—Min Hyunwoo, Min Hyunwoo. Thanks to that, I easily learned his name.”

“…….”

“What are you curious about?”

“…….”

“Anything other than this useless information that just comes up when you search on a portal site.”

It was not simply that he hadn’t introduced me to his ex. I had never discussed romantic relationships with Lee Jihoon. It was as if we had made an agreement not to do so since we turned twenty. We had been continually together while being oblivious to each other’s parts of life. Therefore, it was now that Lee Jihoon, nearing thirty, was questioning that boundary. Like someone pondering where to pull to clarify an ambiguous relationship.

“How much can you tell me?”

Looking at Lee Jihoon, who seemed to even read a bit of curiosity on his face, I opened my mouth. After chewing over it for a while, I found it surprisingly easy to say.

“Did you do this with Kang Youngsoo too?”

“What?”

“Being rude in front of your ex-girlfriend, asking about what you did while dating.”

Even while Lee Jihoon and I hadn’t spoken about romance, Kang Youngsoo was an exception. Since my coming out, I noticed it was an unspoken agreement for Kang Youngsoo to exclude romantic topics when the three of us were together. But he still spoke about things with each of us individually. That was why Kang Youngsoo knew about Hyunwoo’s existence. As we continued like this, things came to light. Lee Jihoon, I gathered, didn’t have much interest in Kang Youngsoo’s past lovers or the girlfriend he was currently dating, either. Just looking at the fact that he hadn’t once agreed to a double date that Youngsoo had been requesting since middle school spoke volumes.

“Not like that, right?”

I had half a thought that he would concede, but seeing that he didn’t reply made me certain. The way his forehead furrowed at the sudden mention of Kang Youngsoo showed that he was keeping quiet simply because what I said was factual.

“Then don’t do it to me either.”

“Why?”

I was momentarily speechless. Lee Jihoon, who had said something I couldn’t even grasp, tilted his head, looking as if he truly didn’t understand, and asked again.

“Why shouldn’t I?”

His eyes were persistently fixed on me. Even as I finally answered the question that had been passed long ago.

“Uh. I’ve never had this with Kang Youngsoo. But that’s because his ex-girlfriend never scolded me like that in the first place.”

“…….”

“But if you’re dragging Kang Youngsoo into this, you need to reconsider from the moment you confessed to me. Say it with your own mouth. Did Kang Youngsoo ever say he liked me and run away?”

And then…

Lee Jihoon, who had paused before speaking, casually continued.

“I don’t give a damn about what Kang Youngsoo does with his girlfriend, but I’m curious about how you ended up sleeping with him.”

This time, I couldn’t even muster a hollow laugh. I read the sincerity in his eyes as Lee Jihoon waited quietly without rushing me for a response. An intention that seemed to suggest he had to figure it out no matter what.

“Why. Because he’s a guy? What are you going to do with that information about how two guys slept together?”

The words came out stiffly and unrefined. Since Lee Jihoon had acted dirty first, I didn’t feel the need to filter my responses either.

I had never had such a conversation with Kang Youngsoo either. Everything about Lee Jihoon had erased the lines in an instant, raising the stakes of our discussion. Normally, it would have been something I wouldn’t do. However, I instinctively realized that if I didn’t cut this off clearly here, I would have to continue appeasing this absurdity of a person going forward. I deliberately met Lee Jihoon’s eyes as I opened my mouth to smirk.

“Based on that information, do you think you’ll kiss a guy or have sex with a guy?”

“…….”

“Don’t you hate wasting time? Isn’t it a waste of time to go through all this just to learn some information you’ll never need?”

Even the moment I spoke felt amusing. The thought of Lee Jihoon kissing or having sex with a guy. I had never even imagined it throughout my life.

“…So you’re saying that you think I can’t do it with a guy?”

Amidst his strange expression, Lee Jihoon countered while looking deeply into my eyes. His response came slow, but his gaze was direct. From earlier, he had been acting as if he needed confirmation from me for everything he said. Like he was putting me to the test.

“Whether it’s a kiss or sex?”

Despite not having brought up this topic in over ten years of us being together, Lee Jihoon spoke those words as if they were natural, as if it was all practiced. As if saying it would lay claim to it, almost believing he could kiss or have sex with a guy at any moment.

Yet, anyone who knew Lee Jihoon would agree that this was merely bravado. Remembering the straight gaze he had while looking up at me from the sofa yesterday made me sigh. I broke eye contact first and replied numbly.

“It’s not that I think you can’t do it. It’s just that you won’t.”

To think that a guy who secretly loves me would say that out loud. In some sense, it was quite remarkable.

I broke eye contact. Since it seemed I had said everything I wanted to, Lee Jihoon didn’t stop me. We had both reached a point where we wouldn’t push further, and thus the conversation finally came to an end. My vision brightened momentarily before dimming again. In the course of our conversation, I had no idea how many cars had driven by. When I got out of the car earlier, it was hard to find an empty spot, but now the parking lot was sparse. That meant more time had passed than I thought.

“Enough of this nonsense. Quit the gibberish and start the engine. Let’s go home.”

The day felt excessively long. As our conversations continued, the talk I had with Hyunwoo earlier invaded its place. Since I had switched my on-duty days to go down to Taean, I was supposed to work tomorrow evening, but thinking about what Hyunwoo had told me earlier, it seemed better to go in the morning. There was much to look after. I looked at Lee Jihoon, whose hand showed no signs of gripping the steering wheel yet, and sighed.

“If you’re not going to drive, why don’t you get out and sit here? I’ll do it.”

Just as I was about to unbuckle my seatbelt in case I needed to change seats, the sound of the engine finally starting came. While resting his hands on the steering wheel, Lee Jihoon spoke.

“Let’s stop by Kang Youngsoo’s house first.”

“Why?”

“Just to drop off some stuff. Call him in advance and tell him to come out in front of the house.”

Listening to that was a reasonable thought. Most importantly, I was relieved that the topic of our conversation had changed. I dialed Kang Youngsoo without saying anything. Listening to the dial tone, just then, Lee Jihoon asked as if he suddenly remembered.

“How tall were you at your physicals? 182cm?”

I shot Lee Jihoon a sidelong glance, confused by what he was saying when Kang Youngsoo picked up the phone. “Hello, Seon-uk? I didn’t realize today was my birthday! What a surprise for you to call me first on this precious weekend!” His high-energy voice echoed through the car. I nodded vaguely to Lee Jihoon, who was waiting for a response, while holding the phone. Fortunately, Kang Youngsoo said he was home. After telling him to come out in ten minutes, I hung up. Just then, Lee Jihoon casually added as the car was about to burst out of the underground parking lot.

“I can’t trust an entertainer’s profile. How could he be 183cm when you’re looking down at him?”

It seemed like he had been contemplating that all along. I hadn’t noticed it earlier, but it looked like he was chewing gum and moving his jaw every now and then. It had been a while since I saw Lee Jihoon chewing gum. I watched his familiar yet slightly strange appearance for a moment, then redirected my gaze to the front. As I rolled down the window, the cool breeze mixed with the remnants of our earlier conversation flowed in.

“But are you really living together?”

Toward the end of our dialogue, Hyunwoo had asked once more. Because his expression when he asked it was different from earlier, I could answer.

“We agreed to live together for a short while due to circumstances.”

Hyunwoo sighed as soon as he heard that. “Are you going to live this way for the rest of your life?” I remembered the way he had once asked that in full of resentment. But now, two years later, Hyunwoo didn’t resent me any longer. Instead, he looked worried.

“Hyung. I’m not sure. Is there a reason worth more than your feelings for that person?”

Checking his phone anxiously as it rang again, Hyunwoo opened the stairwell door. Right before taking a step out, he looked back at me as if to say he had another urgent task to complete.

“Don’t wear me out too much. I’m just worried about you.”

It was both advice and comfort. Only someone who had faced the disappointment of someone not returning his feelings could say those words. Unlike Hyunwoo, who was now free to leave, I stood still at the same spot thinking.

What kind of feeling is it when the heart sinks? I had always discarded what overflowed, so I wasn’t really sure.

* * *

“Did you bring the entire hill with you?”

That was Kang Youngsoo’s comment as he checked the trunk of the car. Regardless, Lee Jihoon began piling things onto him. The two paper bags Kang Youngsoo had brought just in case were tightly filled to the brim. Even after he waved his hands, saying he couldn’t take the box of tangerines, Lee Jihoon ignored his opinion and proceeded to stuff the remaining tangerines into the last bag that still had a little space left. Kang Youngsoo, having given up on stopping him, came to the front seat and began whining.

“Are you two happy living together without me? Are you having fun? Eating chocolate fondue with marshmallows during pajama parties at night?”

What kind of two men live together and do that kind of stuff?

Even while he clearly saw my sour expression, Kang Youngsoo flailed his arms and legs like an upset child. After Lee Jihoon answered without care that he needed to go to “our house” when Kang Youngsoo hinted for us to hang out, this had all started five minutes ago when Kang Youngsoo learned Lee Jihoon was temporarily staying with me.

“Not doing that kind of stuff. Ah, come on! Move your head.”

“You’re going to do that anyway. You never said you were going to live together, suddenly you’re living together!”

“It’s not that I’m living together, just for a bit.”

“Whatever it is! I want to live together, even if it’s just for a bit.”

“What nonsense… But have you washed your hair?”

At first, I thought he was joking, but as I listened, the intensity of his whining made me question his sincerity. I pushed Kang Youngsoo’s head away as he leaned through the window, and I checked behind me with a frustrated heart. I couldn’t see Lee Jihoon’s head. He was likely crouched in front of the trunk, stubbornly stuffing tangerines into the bags.

Gratefully, I noticed Kang Youngsoo hadn’t caught on to the reality I hadn’t told him, but I didn’t expect him to spill it like that.

“If you let me inside, I’ll wash your hair for you too. I’ll make sure to scrub it hard every morning. I’ll take full responsibility for the health of your luscious locks.”

“No… even if we’re living together, we don’t usually do that.”

Looking at him not giving up with boredom, I sighed. It had only been two months, but more entanglements than I expected had arisen. Lee Jihoon’s father also found out, and now that Kang Youngsoo knew, it wouldn’t be long until the rumors reached Young-eun or Kang Youngsoo’s mother.

Right now, Kang Youngsoo was throwing a fit, saying he wanted to move in with me. Thinking back, he had always had excessive fantasies about dorm living with friends since high school. After gently pacifying him, we settled to hang out every Friday, and then the true Kang Youngsoo poked his head back into the window.

“I’m going on a blind date tomorrow?”

It was a phrase I had heard at least dozens of times since we were twenty. Whether it’s a meeting or a blind date or a drinking party, it was always somewhat different, but ultimately someone meeting a new person was the same. Just as I had done every time, I had intentioned to respond vaguely, but I froze. Something felt off.

“You have a girlfriend.”

Kang Youngsoo, who rarely shut his mouth, exaggeratedly blinked his eyes as if that would make up for any facts he hadn’t said. I’d seen this expression far too many times before, and it never failed to surprise me. Moreover, I remembered he was preparing for a date when he called from the emergency room not too long ago.

“…Did you break up?”

He answered with a shrug of his shoulders as he took out his phone. He held his phone out, asking more questions while showing it off.

“Should I wear this on the date? Or this one?”

The clothes he showed, which were indistinguishable from one another, revealed no signs of someone who had just gone through a breakup. I wasn’t in a position to worry about someone else’s relationship, but Kang Youngsoo was extreme. Someone who couldn’t endure the gap between breakups and the next relationship was trying to do the same this time too. Still, this time, it seemed he was steadily finding stability in his dating life, so I was feeling a bit relieved, but the unexpected revelation made it unwelcome.

“Why would you want to meet someone right after you just broke up?”

“…….”

“Don’t play with people’s feelings.”

“I’m not trying to play with anyone…”

“Then what is it?”

Glancing at me, Kang Youngsoo slipped his phone into his sweatshirt pocket, mumbling excuses.

“No, I heard that it’s been a short while since that side broke up… It would be nice to soothe each other’s hurt feelings, don’t you think? It’s going to be winter soon, and it’ll be cold… Why do you have to look so serious? It’s not like I wanted to break up… I’m hurt…”