FBF chapter 7 part 2

He chose a menu that was neither soup rice nor pasta; it was a third option. However, Hyeonwoo seemed pleased with the suggestion he made. That was the reason he nodded with a bright smile.

“Totally love it.”

* * *

I scanned my surroundings. It felt strange that, no matter how late it was, I was wandering around alone. Even when I looked around, there was no one who seemed to be with Hyeonwoo. Instead, I caught the eye of some high school students in uniforms, sneaking glances at us from not too far away. Their youthful faces whispered among each other, repeatedly glancing our way. It seemed they recognized Hyeonwoo. Though no one else was watching us, which eliminated the immediate danger, it didn’t mean I could relax. Even after a relationship ends, habits linger. Just the fact that I was conscious of others’ gazes when together with Hyeonwoo proved that. I swallowed a sigh, trying to think of the least crowded place in this mart.

“Did you come alone?”

The one who had been keeping his mouth shut shook his head only when our eyes met directly.

“The manager is parking, and I came up first.”

As soon as he finished answering, I noticed him nervously pulling his mask up even further, as if realizing that he was exposed here alone.

“What is it?”

Lee Jihoon exchanged glances with me. The gaze of the guy who had tossed the meat pack into the cart was fixed on me rather than Hyeonwoo.

It wasn’t a question of who he was; it was what he was questioning. But it was a typical Lee Jihoon question, forcing someone he knows to answer rather than encountering a stranger. It was as if he would determine how to treat that person based on the answer he received.

While Lee Jihoon appeared to be acting like himself as usual, I couldn’t do the same. I could have deflected the questions by saying he’s a friend from my hometown or something of the sort, like when people asked me about being with Hyeonwoo, but I couldn’t. Lee Jihoon knew better than anyone that Hyeonwoo was neither a hometown friend nor an acquaintance of mine.

“…Lee Jihoon?”

Hyeonwoo muttered in disbelief as he turned towards Lee Jihoon, who followed my gaze. Although it was a quiet sound, it reached the ears of the three of us standing not far from each other without difficulty. At that moment, Hyeonwoo, who had looked uncertain, seemed to find confirmation in my eyes, letting out a hollow laugh.

“Hyung, seriously….”

Even with half of his face hidden by the mask, I could feel that he was shocked by this discovery. It had been over two years since we had last seen each other. We had never met since breaking up, so we didn’t know anything about how each other had been doing. However, in that brief moment, Hyeonwoo confirmed one thing: regardless of the time that had passed, Lee Jihoon was still by my side.

“What is it?”

Lee Jihoon broke the prolonged silence and stepped closer to me. He had his hands in his pockets, urging for a response while never once glancing at Hyeonwoo. It was a perfect show of disregard. Hyeonwoo, sensing this, hesitated, but then moved closer to me, speaking in a whisper.

“Let’s go somewhere quiet and talk.”

“…….”

“I have something to tell you, Hyung. That’s why I found out you changed your number when I tried to contact you.”

His eyes were still bloodshot, but his tone was paradoxically calm, as if he actually had something prepared. It felt unrelated to the emotions I felt when we had first crossed paths moments ago. I again felt the familiar touch of Hyeonwoo’s hand on my elbow. I could see Lee Jihoon’s gaze shifting to that spot too.

I checked the area where the students in uniforms had previously been standing once more. One of them was holding a smartphone, taking a picture of us. As our eyes met, she awkwardly lowered her phone and shifted her gaze to the side. Perhaps due to the students fussing about us, the attention of those around started to gather gradually. I watched an older woman, who had been frying dumplings nearby, approach the students and talk to them; that solidified my resolve. I could no longer just stand around like this.

I turned to Lee Jihoon.

“He’s someone I know.”

Hyeonwoo, as expected, didn’t glance back. The statement that I knew him was irresponsible, but there was no better explanation I could give.

After all, we had separated for a reason. Because of Lee Jihoon.

“Just go to the car first. I’ll talk to you briefly and come back.”

That was a statement meant to clear up the situation. It was also the moment I finally gave the answer that Lee Jihoon had been urging me for. Although he couldn’t have missed it, Lee Jihoon stood there as if he heard nothing, tilting his head slightly.

“Is it right for me to leave in this situation?”

“…….”

“We were the ones who were together first. They’re the ones who intruded.”

Just contemplating Lee Jihoon’s disbelief made my mouth feel dry. I had never shown Lee Jihoon the sight of me with my ex-boyfriend. I had hidden the fact that I was dating a man, so it was only natural. Hyeonwoo knew of Lee Jihoon’s existence, but it was clear that Lee Jihoon had no clue who Hyeonwoo was.

Even though I had confessed to Lee Jihoon that I was dating a man, at this moment, the fact that Hyeonwoo was my ex-boyfriend was something I couldn’t admit, which hinted that I might be stuck in those days. Therefore, it was as if I was a pierced person, frozen by Lee Jihoon’s unmeaningful words.

Seeing me silent, Lee Jihoon shook his head with a sigh. Stretching his arms like it was a casual stretch, he leaned on the cart’s armrest, muttering.

“You’re really confusing me….”

Though his words sounded like a question, I couldn’t even be sure of whom he was addressing. As if lost in thought, Lee Jihoon looked away for a moment, and when he raised his head again, his expression had completely changed. With a face as nonchalant as when he had been shopping earlier, he reached out his hand toward me.

“Give me the car keys.”

No matter what, it seemed he had made up his mind to follow my words. Even amidst this pointless back-and-forth, I couldn’t help but feel the gathering crowd around us. I quickly rummaged through my pocket. I tossed the car keys that I had just received from Lee Jihoon while coming up to the mart. I confirmed that Lee Jihoon caught them easily before I turned back to Hyeonwoo. I swiped the small shopping basket Hyeonwoo had been holding and pushed it aside. Eventually, the manager was supposed to do the shopping anyway.

“Let’s go to the emergency stairs.”

Since not many people use the emergency stairs, and they would connect to the parking lot where the manager was, it seemed better that way. Just as I was about to lead Hyeonwoo, who nodded as if he understood.

“But…”

Thinking he was calling me, I turned my head, but our gazes crossed.

“Do you know me? I don’t know who you are.”

That was the first thing Lee Jihoon had said to Hyeonwoo. Stuck in a situation where Hyeonwoo couldn’t reply with either yes or no, he bit his lip, avoiding Lee Jihoon’s gaze. Only then did they seem to realize they had never encountered each other until today.

Watching an at-a-loss Hyeonwoo, Lee Jihoon closed the distance quickly. He dangled the car keys between his fingers, but his strides were precise. Stopping between Hyeonwoo and me, Lee Jihoon continued talking without shifting his gaze from Hyeonwoo.

“But do you know what this means?”

“…Lee Jihoon.”

I didn’t understand why he was being so confrontational, but I could tell that Lee Jihoon was making the situation uncomfortable. It was understandable if a stranger called out to him; however, there was no need to pick a fight with someone he didn’t even know like this.

“What are you doing? Stop it.”

I called out to Lee Jihoon warningly as I grabbed his arm. Lee Jihoon, glancing at me, left his arm as is but turned his head away. He seemed to have something more to say.

“I could live my life without any issues, even if I didn’t know your name. But it seems you couldn’t live like that. You’re the one who seems to be missing out. So…”

Hyeonwoo didn’t flinch from Lee Jihoon’s gaze. The moment their eyes met, I saw Lee Jihoon finish the conversation with a smile as if wrapping things up.

“Next time we meet, make sure to show some manners. Don’t just call out other people’s names without thinking. Okay?”

Though he smiled while saying it, it was evident to everyone that it was a warning.

Even without receiving a response from Hyeonwoo, Lee Jihoon turned away without a trace of hesitation. He threw something at me. I instinctively reached out and caught it, only to realize it was one of the frozen items from the cart earlier. I met Lee Jihoon’s gaze.

The expression on his face had become blank as he commanded.

“Come before that melts.”

“…….”

“Once it melts, it’ll be tasteless when you refreeze it. Got it?”

Ah, I also need to buy shaving cream. I ran out.

Before I could fully grasp what Lee Jihoon had just said, he had vanished.

* * *

I realized there are so many movies about love only after dating Hyeonwoo. Thinking back, I might have intentionally avoided them before. Watching a love-themed movie would remind me of the longest love I ever had, which meant thinking of Lee Jihoon, and that was an act I simply couldn’t embrace after trying so hard to love him less with each passing moment.

On the day we first went to see a movie together, Hyeonwoo made a face when he saw me awkwardly sitting in my chair. Why such a bored face? During the film, he seemingly paid no attention to me; I soon figured out why. He hadn’t taken his eyes off the screen throughout the film, and while sitting next to him, I found myself focusing on the screen as well.

Romantic movies tackled themes differently but often told almost identical stories. Whenever a scene of falling in love unfolded, a fighting scene quickly followed, portraying a relationship that inevitably ended. Yet, Hyeonwoo cried while watching those movies. He claimed the protagonists looked so sad during their breakup scenes and even suggested that perhaps ordinary breakups are the most tragic ones.

I sat there awkwardly, glancing at a pamphlet I had picked up absentmindedly. The prominently printed promotional phrase caught my eye.

Strangely, those words lingered in my mind for a long time. Even to the moment when Hyeonwoo broke up with me. It was an incident that occurred on an extremely ordinary evening. I was late because I had to work, and Hyeonwoo sat alone, spending dinner while waiting for me.

“It’s been a while.”

“What?”

“It’s been a while since we’ve been like this.”

It was our first meeting in a long time. Hyeonwoo had just started gaining responses from the public for a new film made by a director who had said he would give Hyeonwoo a good role. He was busier naturally, and the frequency of our meetups diminished. I accepted it. It wasn’t exactly a romantic meeting despite the time apart, but we weren’t the kind to expect such things.

However, at that moment, Hyeonwoo bore the expression of the world’s most exhausted person. It was as if he had just realized he had always rowed the boat alone on our shared journey. Tears welled in his eyes as he vented his frustrations to me.

“I didn’t know this, but I guess I’m someone who can get tired too.”

“……”

“It’s hard, Hyung. I am doing this all alone.”

It was the first time Hyeonwoo had muttered about being tired since we began seeing each other. The word “alone” dramatically distanced him from “us.” It was a comment that could only be made at the end of a relationship, which seemed to define our love game. We had done all the things couples usually do, yet he saw all those moments as struggles undertaken alone.

“I’m sorry.”

The reason for my apology was evident.

But that wasn’t the answer Hyeonwoo was looking for. Even while looking at the tears streaming down his big eyes, I didn’t feel like wiping them away or comforting him. That was my limit. No matter how I imitated dating, I never reached the core of it. Perhaps, it was to be expected. I poured my love into only one place. Even if I had an insatiable craving for love from him.

“Hyung always said sorry without ever offering even one of the most common excuses.”

“……”

“That’s why even when it was hard, I couldn’t show it. No matter how much I tried to hint, Hyung wouldn’t even have the intention to notice. Even if he did, I thought he would just suggest breaking up.”

“……”

“If Hyung had just tried to understand me for once….”

Looking back, it seemed Hyeonwoo was tired of my reluctance to defend myself. He might have wanted me to hold on to him. Watching him get up with reddened eyes, stuffing his car keys and wallet into his coat pocket, I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I believed I had no right to stop him.

It was a moment where the two years we shared together began to shatter. Although both of us heard the sound of breaking, neither dared to ignite a flame on those broken logs.

“No. Hyung already knows.”

“……”

“You’re in the same position, so you can’t fully commit to me.”

Looking at the dry logs dampened by tears, I took a deep breath, struggling to speak. I said I was sorry once more. With a look as if resigned, Hyeonwoo brushed past me. I turned my gaze away from his receding figure, landing on the table where he had been sitting just moments before.

As I stared at the tasteless potato soup he had ordered to feed me, his earlier casual response of “just eat” when I asked when he would arrive came to mind. That conversation had taken place at 9 PM, and by the time Hyeonwoo waited until 1 AM for a message, he had received none from me. Throughout my relationship with Hyeonwoo, it had often been like that. No matter what he asked, I only delivered the same boring responses, never bothering to add trivial follow-up questions. Just like I hadn’t done before. If only I had replied to his question about what I wanted to eat and asked if he wanted me to grab something.

While digesting that lukewarm, almost regretful apology, I picked up my phone. I typed “I’m sorry” once again and sent it before cleaning up the food spread out on the table. The soup and side dishes had all gone cold. Disposing of the untouched food, I felt our relationship, one that had ceased to have any warmth, was finally coming to an end.

Fortunately, it seemed Hyeonwoo was coping well. Though I had never directly heard him say so, it was apparent. For the first time, I thought having a job that allowed others to see him pass by on the street or on TV was good. He had starred in commercials and landed lead roles in films. The frequency with which I came across his figure on billboards increased. I believed it was good. The more he thrived, the more he’d be loved.

If we happened to meet again, I wondered if I would ask him if he was with someone good now and hope he was doing well without remembering me.

“Are you living together?”

However, the instant I caught a glimpse of Hyeonwoo, whose eyes were brimming with tears after seeing me, I realized I should never tell him that for the rest of my life. Telling him to forget would be an exercise of power. I still held that power, and Hyeonwoo looked as if he’d willingly attach a leash around his neck if I just reached out a little.

As soon as we reached an empty space, Hyeonwoo hastily uttered words that affirmed that fact. I broke eye contact right away, aiming to ensure the dialogue wouldn’t branch off elsewhere, cutting off its entirety.

“You said you had something to talk about.”

“…Hyung.”

“Hurry up and talk before more people gather. It won’t do you any good.”

I turned my gaze, avoiding the hurt in his eyes, and fixed my stare on the gray wall behind him. I thought it should have been like this from the beginning. My desire not to be a bad person turned me into a vague antagonist. Even though Hyeonwoo had broken up with me, he could not bear any feelings of hatred towards me. Such lukewarm feelings wouldn’t help anyone. While such ambivalence may comfortably approach someone, it could never provide the warmth that someone with a heart warmer than mine desired.

“I get why you’re saying what you are….”

“……”

“Don’t do that. It doesn’t suit you and me.”

The hesitantly turned head returned to Hyeonwoo’s direction. He shook his head once more.

“Acting mean and such… it really, truly doesn’t suit you, Hyung.”

Even with his eyes and nose tinged red, his voice didn’t tremble. He was completely different from the frantic person just moments ago, and I believed that change must have come as Hyeonwoo learned from somewhere that I didn’t know. It also served as a reminder that time had passed since our breakup.

“I understand there might have been misunderstandings, but I’m not trying to hold you back. I’m not here to suggest we get back together. I just have something to say.”

“……”

“Earlier, I was just… I was just happy to see you again after a long time. I thought about you during an interview not that long ago. But seeing you again so soon is just strange, and you don’t need to be so defensive with me.”

As he continued explaining, it seemed like he was conveying sincerity, and my shoulders relaxed. Habitually wanting to say “I’m sorry,” I held it back, managing to spit out something different.

“…Okay. I understand.”

As if we both had made a pact, we closed our mouths simultaneously. It was Hyeonwoo who broke the silence. Just as I had earlier, he scanned his surroundings once more, having confirmed that no one was around us, and turned down the volume. It was as if he were sharing a conversation that no one else should overhear.

“I heard something at a recent industry gathering.”

I instinctually understood that what Hyeonwoo was saying was deeply related to the reason he had decided to call after so long of a breakup.

“Do you know Director Kim Myung-rim?”

It was an unfamiliar name. Hyeonwoo saw me shake my head and continued explaining.

“He’s a renowned director known for being close to Director Choi Hyung-bok, who was caught last time. Apparently, they’re classmates.”

The name Choi Hyung-bok was familiar. The moment I thought of it, he came to mind—the one dragged out from a club in Gangnam, swinging his arms around while under the influence, yelling, “Hey, do you know who I am? It’s Choi Hyung-bok! Choi Hyung-bok!”

“There are some bad rumors circulating about Director Kim Myung-rim. He has a villa in Gangwon Province, and it seems he invites actors over to party hard every week. I’ve heard that the attendees can’t leave until daybreak and that he abuses his power over people who misbehave.”

That wasn’t a pleasant story, yet nothing resonated with me. Seeing my expression, Hyeonwoo hesitated for a moment and then quickly continued.

“What’s strange is that the number of attendees isn’t decreasing; in fact, it’s increasing.”

“……”

“I don’t know why, but there’re rules apparently. What happens in there must never be disclosed. It seems they’re operating like a secret club. They ensure the attendees keep quiet.”

“……”

“Recently, a new actor from our company was invited there without knowing and ended up in the hospital the next day after having a seizure. They had to perform a gastric lavage. Even after nearly dying, he wouldn’t speak about what happened. Our director had to practically threaten him to get him to spill the beans a week later.”

The story that started out strange was leading down familiar paths. Holding my breath felt akin to watching a cart rolling toward a cliff.

“It purportedly involves the weakest to make it through. Otherwise, they feel as though those people would try to kill them. However, their bodies couldn’t handle the drugs they consumed for the first time. That’s why they were rushed to the ER.”

“……”

“Interestingly enough, they couldn’t afford to let the person, who couldn’t even breathe, die, so they called for an ambulance. But on the day of his discharge, they called to check on him as if it were a ghost. They talked about firing a maid who had left a bucket of wax in a path where people walk. It seemed ridiculous. To think that our director decided just to let it slide. Why stir a pot that’d yield no good?”

One question sprouted in my busy mind. Without holding back, I asked.

“Did you go?”

“……”

“Hyeonwoo.”

“Don’t worry. I didn’t go. Until I heard the drug discussions, I was curious since there was so much gossip, but seeing what was going on, I realized it would spell disaster if I got tangled up in it.”

His shaking head didn’t seem to reflect the lies. Strangely, I felt relief. As I mulled over the information I had just received, Hyeonwoo’s lips parted.

But, Hyung, you know…

“There’s a famous actor who has reportedly been going there long before the rumors about that villa spread…”

Hyeonwoo paused as if pulling a trigger.

“It’s Cha Hyuk-jun.”

He’s the person you sometimes asked about, right? After hearing that, even if it took some effort, I made sure to tell you.

The conversation had gone on longer than I expected. I thought that Hyeonwoo, who had acted playfully when giving me frozen goods and telling me to come before they melted, might have left first, but in contrast to my worries, Lee Jihoon was sitting quietly in the parked car. Even when he heard the sound of the passenger door opening, his gaze remained fixed on his phone. Yet, he still asked casually.