FBF chapter 6 part 5

“……”

“He grew taller. Wasn’t he about the same height as you, teacher? Or is he a bit taller? Something like this?”

It was only when my grip almost loosened that I became aware of my surroundings. I barely managed to ask.

“… When did he come?”

“Um… Was it around twelve today? He came almost every day this week. Other days he came in the morning, at lunchtime too. He came to trim your grandfather’s nails, massaged him here and there, chatted a lot, and sometimes even read to him. Speaking of which, you have a good friend. I’ve never seen a friend like him. I’ve been a caregiver for a while, but it was my first time seeing a friend come and do that.”

The woman who spoke with a smile seemed fairly pleased. It was as if she appreciated that someone had been visiting so regularly. Since I heard her mention if today was a special day, I stopped counting the days in my head. A small groan escaped my lips.

“……”

I lowered my head without saying anything. I grasped my grandfather’s hand for no reason. Even though I gripped it tightly, his nails didn’t dig into my palm. It must have been because Lee Jihoon had trimmed them.

It was only when I noticed the caregiver lady sneaking glances at me that I could lift my head again. To reassure her, I forced a smile.

“It isn’t a special day. I guess I just felt like visiting my grandfather.”

“Aah… Is that so? I’m glad.”

“… Um, you should take a break. I’ll stay a bit longer.”

“Okay. Then I’ll be right here. Feel free to call if you need help.”

Once the caregiver lady left, it was just my grandfather and me in the hospital room. There were two people breathing, but only I could speak and hear. I opened my mouth towards him, who could not hear me.

“… I’m sorry.”

My life didn’t end with Lee Jihoon being carved out of it. I had to take Lee Jihoon away from my grandfather as well. I couldn’t help but think of that kid, who could come and stay by my grandfather’s side and even trim his nails while I was away.

And that kid never asked for any acknowledgment for doing so.

* * *

Much had changed at home while I was away. Just looking at the indoor slippers placed at the entrance said so. Not even a speck of dust could be found in the shoe rack. As I stared blankly down for a moment, I slipped my feet into the indoor slippers, which were placed neatly as if they were displayed, just as they were when Lee Jihoon bought them.

The house was spotless. Just a glance at the kitchen and bathroom revealed Lee Jihoon’s touch. Even in this darkness, I could tell things were well-organized. It seemed he had cleaned up while showing up to my grandfather’s hospital room every day this week.

“……”

As my eyes got accustomed to the darkness, I could easily recognize Lee Jihoon lying on the sofa in the living room.

To me, who preferred the bed if there was time to lie down, the sofa had no practical use. I remembered how Kang Youngsoo had insisted on buying it as a housewarming gift, so I had picked it without really looking. The sofa, which I bought without considering its length, seemed to be of little note then. I only realized it was short when I saw Lee Jihoon’s ankles dangling over the armrest.

He seemed to be asleep, lying there with his forehead resting on his hand. He hadn’t even covered himself with a comforter, as if protesting against something that had been said earlier in the drinking party. Meanwhile, the television was still on. I gazed absentmindedly at the actors speaking in an unfamiliar foreign language and moved to get a blanket from the room.

Carefully, I threw the blanket over him, who hadn’t even stirred an inch. As I tried to avoid waking him, I adjusted the blanket’s position awkwardly. Hesitating, I reached out to gently fix the blanket’s edge that had flopped over his face.

“Touch it.”

That wasn’t something I said. However, it was also not something Lee Jihoon, who should be sleeping, should have said. Just a moment ago, the eyes that had been hidden from view under the back of his hand were now visible. Lee Jihoon was looking up at me. His gaze was clear, devoid of drunkenness or sleepiness.

“Be greedy.”

My attempt to retract my hand was thwarted when Lee Jihoon suddenly tightened his grip on my wrist. With my wrist captured, I clenched my fist tightly. Despite this, his hand remained gripping mine; his grip only seemed to strengthen. Since we were both exerting strength, veins began to surface on our hands.

Lee Jihoon remained lying there, looking at me, and he spat out in a firm tone.

“I’ll give you permission, so go ahead.”

Lee Jihoon was looking directly at me. It was as if he was emphasizing that the reason he was doing this was because of me.

“Whether it’s a way to prove love or a way to prove it’s not love, isn’t it all the same in the end?”

“……”

“Do something we’ve never done before. Whatever it is, if there’s something you wanted to do, go ahead and do it. I’ll let you do it.”

“……”

“Then you’ll understand. Who had what kind of fantasies about whom.”

Every time Lee Jihoon opened his mouth, I could smell mint toothpaste. I remembered the smell of alcohol that had come from Kang Youngsoo when I had leaned into the passenger seat. Lee Jihoon and Kang Youngsoo drank at nearly the same pace.

I imagined what Lee Jihoon would do when he came home after drinking, as if he was creating an alibi.

He would get out of the taxi, enter the building, get on the elevator and loosen up his shirt buttons, wear slippers as he came in, and brush his teeth. Then, while watching the television without turning his head once in my direction, he would lie on this sofa all the while, unaware of when I would come back.

The previously seamless situation came to a halt in front of one question. Had Lee Jihoon been thinking about this the whole time? That he might even offer his body to make me realize that what I had done was friendship, not love?

“I thought about it, and the only things we haven’t done are like these.”

So, Lee Jihoon was displaying his friendship. He was letting me know that he could go this far.

Not averting my gaze that contained my determination not to back down, I began to loosen my grip. As I ceased to exert pressure, I found myself completely trapped in Lee Jihoon’s hand. Surprised by my sudden acquiescence, Lee Jihoon hesitated for a brief moment before taking my hand and placing it on his body. It rested just on the collar of his shirt. The buttons of the already unbuttoned shirt were revealing more of his skin through the gaps. Due to the way he had kindly placed my hand over the buttons, my ring and little fingers touched between the fabric. It was his bare skin.

I recalled how our arms had brushed against each other when I had lifted the wine glass earlier. That was after Lee Jihoon had come out of the bathroom. The expression on his face had suggested thoughts were rushing through his mind. Had he decided this was how it should be from that moment? That he had done something he wouldn’t ordinarily consider? He had occupied a spot beside me, where I had no choice but to sit next to him, and used his left hand to raise his glass, deliberately brushing against me for physical contact.

“Why? Now that you think about touching, you’re not interested?”

As I looked at the provocatively asking face of his, I thought, indeed, we would never even be friends again.

What could I possibly hope for from a guy who had never properly held hands with another guy throughout his life, the guy who made me bring him back after brushing his teeth, yet had ended up being so soft?

I couldn’t pull back or lean forward, and I corrected my awkward position of being stuck in between. I began to lean my body slowly forward, as if preparing for whatever was to come; Lee Jihoon showed no sign of flinching at the closeness.

“……”

“……”

Once we got so close that our noses almost touched, our gazes that had once clashed in the air softened. The hand that grasped onto Lee Jihoon’s shirt held on tightly, almost as if I was grabbing him by the collar.

I held my breath for a moment. Now I could detect an unfamiliar scent coming from him. It was something I hadn’t noticed before, given how close we had never been. The scent of his skin, mixed with perfume, soap, and mint toothpaste, carried a delicate charm from someone. Noticing how I froze as if I was hesitating, Lee Jihoon urged me on.

“Do it.”

His lowered gaze focused on my lips.

“I’ll let you do it.”

With a completely uninterested expression. Watching him spit it out as if it were a mundane task sent shockwaves through my fingertips. Ironically, my grip only tightened further. But the next moment, I took advantage of the recoil and let go of everything in my hand.

“… Ah!”

That also meant I had withdrawn all the strength that had been holding up Lee Jihoon’s upper body. Ignoring his shout as his head banged against the armrest of the sofa, I pulled my body completely back.

“If you’re going to get drunk, sleep nicely. Stop saying nonsense.”

“Hey, shit, how can you just let go like that? Ah… that really hurts. Shit… it feels like I’ve killed millions of brain cells.”

“Good, then get your senses back.”

Lee Jihoon’s discontented gaze followed me as I stood up. Among the ruffling of his hair, he soon stopped all movements and stared intently at me. It seemed like he just realized that it had truly been a long time since we engaged in a conversation like this. I felt the same. Since my confession, every meeting had been filled with tension, so it had been a long time since we had shared such casual daily dialogues.

In fact, I was already prepared for it when I entered the house. I hadn’t expected that he’d suddenly make silly remarks about touching and feel panicked. I stood my ground without turning away, just as I had done so far, staring at him. It seemed Lee Jihoon noticed that too. The serious attitude he had shown before somewhat softened. Instead of going back to nonsensical banter, he began to sit up slowly to face me, his voice calmer than before.

“When will you finish doing the repairs on the car?”

I had only heard that they had taken the car, which had completely wrecked the rear bumper, for repairs at the emergency room. I hadn’t gotten any updates since then. Lee Jihoon furrowed his brow deeply as if he had just realized something.

“Why? Are you planning to kick me out once the car is fixed?”

Since I had been hearing requests for a week to get out, it was a reasonable assumption. When I didn’t answer him right away, Lee Jihoon’s expression grew more irritated. He turned away from me and lay down flat on the sofa. Turning his body towards the television, he replied sarcastically.

“Did you come to ask that? Amazing, just amazing.”

“Stop rambling and answer. When is it?”

“I guess you haven’t heard because you haven’t been home, but I got rid of the car. I decided to commute by plane from now on, so just accept it.”

What a ridiculous thing to say as if he wouldn’t do anything else by himself. Commuting by plane? I had heard everything, even about the car repairs with Kang Youngsoo earlier.

Whether I explicitly showed my disbelief or not, Lee Jihoon mockingly pressed his face against the armrest of the sofa, as if he was preparing in case I would try to pull him off. He was glaring at the television as if bored. A sigh escaped my lips. Seriously, he was so stubborn…

“Hey.”

He didn’t even look at me anymore. Feeling stubborn, I lifted my foot and kicked the sofa. The sofa slid a bit on the carpet, but Lee Jihoon didn’t even glance up. He even blatantly dug at his ear as if questioning where a dog was barking.

At times like this, he seemed even more stubborn than the neighbor’s kid. When Lee Jihoon’s father sighed deeply every time he talked about the times Lee Jihoon was little, I could understand why. I gave up on wrestling with him more and got straight to the point.

“I took tomorrow off.”

Lee Jihoon glanced at me and then turned his gaze forward again, seemingly uninterested in what I had said. I patiently opened my mouth once more.

“We should go in my car.”

“Where to?”

“Taean.”

Finally, Lee Jihoon froze, who had been trying his best to ignore me. He raised his body and looked at me in surprise. I spoke up, sharing what had been on my mind since coming home. Strictly speaking, it was a proposal.

“If we leave in the morning, we should have time to visit your mom’s grave and have a meal with your dad.”

In answering the caregiver lady’s question, I counted the days for the first time this week. Having worked both day and night shifts, there were times I’d forget what day it was. It had been a long time since I had done that. Then I remembered.

This week wasn’t special for my grandfather, but it was for Lee Jihoon. Tomorrow was his mother’s birthday.

‘———’

The television was still playing a film that I couldn’t understand without the subtitles. But I knew this film.

It was the last movie we watched together. In the third year of middle school, in that video viewing room with the curtains drawn. When I walked into the room, Lee Jihoon had asked me as he looked at the large title written on the blackboard, “Have you seen it?” At the time, I just shook my head. I didn’t understand the circumstances of his question.

Now that I was next to Lee Jihoon, I realized things I hadn’t known back then. I now understood why he had asked that question, and why he was spending the night with a movie he didn’t even watch anymore.

‘Ji Seon-uk.’

That movie was Lee Jihoon’s mother’s favorite. Thanks to her, who played the tape whenever she got the chance since he was little, Lee Jihoon remembered every scene and dialogue from that film. That was why back then, he had bowed his head deeply, not even watching.

Fate can be cruel. Why did the film appreciation teacher choose that movie on that day? Not knowing it would serve as a conduit for a sixteen-year-old boy to realize loss.

‘Are you happy?’

It was around the time when the mother he wished to be beside forever had just passed away. Lee Jihoon must have had no choice but to ask me that question.

He needed someone who wouldn’t let him hurt at that time in his life.

“Lee Jihoon.”

But again, fate can be cruel.

The wish that Lee Jihoon could borrow from me because he was my friend had turned into a medium for me to affirm the feelings I should not have toward a friend.

Therefore, I finally answered the question posed thirteen years ago. Back then, I hadn’t known how to say what I wanted, so I had kept the answer hidden for my whole life.

“I want you to…”

‘You can’t like someone and be without any desire. Doesn’t it sound absurd that you’ve liked me, and it’s turned out like this?’

“I hope you’re happy.”

You wouldn’t get it. It’s not that I wish for you to be happy because of me; I wish for you not to be unhappy because of me.

But that’s okay. You don’t have to know.

Instead, when someone appears who can convey that feeling to you, I hope I’m not by your side.

“So listen to me.”

“……”

“You just need time. It’s not like you can’t do without me.”

I didn’t know Lee Jihoon would go this far, but I wasn’t oblivious to his desire to pin me here. Just as blood vessels are needed for the heart to pump properly, there are many intertwined threads supporting Lee Jihoon, who is embedded in the center of my life. Lee Jihoon would probably think the same. He was simply overestimating me, this blood vessel. But a person can survive even if blood vessels get blocked. In the moment, losing one wouldn’t mean Lee Jihoon would collapse.

“I won’t say to get out until the repairs are done, so stay here till then. But in two months, you’ll have to get out. Just know that nothing will change, no matter how much you argue.”

That was my compromise. It wasn’t easy for Lee Jihoon to respond as if he was pondering if this was the best course of action.

I lowered my body. Avoiding the lounging Lee Jihoon, I sat against the sofa, closer to the other armrest. Though one was sitting, and the other was lying down, at least we were both facing forward. The silence behind me was interrupted only when the credits started to roll on the movie.

“What if I reach the same conclusion this time?”

I didn’t say it out loud, but I thought it would be impossible. Instead, I leaned my head against the armrest of the sofa and closed my eyes. It had been a long, tiring week. I hadn’t come home, hadn’t visited the hospital, and had only fought with Lee Jihoon. But now, everything seemed to have been resolved. I had come home, visited the hospital, and reached a truce with Lee Jihoon.

Finally, when I felt like I had settled everything, drowsiness washed over me. I willingly succumbed to that sweet temptation that had finally approached me for the first time this week.

* * *

“Detective Ji, you’re not coming in tomorrow?”

“Yes. Senior Ha changed the duty schedule for me. Is there a problem?”

“No, just wanted to tell you, good job. Oh, and can we have a talk on Monday? I got a call from the upper management earlier.”

“About what?”

“They mentioned your transfer request. It seems like there’s a spot opened up in Seosan. They’re being subtle about confirming your first-choice request.”

“Ah… Yes.”

“You’re not going, right? It’s Taean, your hometown, so fine, but… I mentioned it before, but I really have no intention of going. Why should you go there and waste your talent? Do you not know your seniors are working hard to push for your promotion?”

“……”

“Hello?”

“Ah… Yes. I’m sorry, team leader. I don’t think Seosan will work for me. Please convey my thoughts well.”

“Good thinking. Even you must have found it a bit odd, right? Everyone else is trying to transfer to Seoul, and you want to go the other way.”

“No. I’ll go to Taean when a spot opens up.”

“Seriously, why do you blithely agree to everything else, but when it comes to this, you stubbornly hold on?”

“I’ll explain on Monday. I’m sorry.”

“Ugh, really… Hang up now!”

“Yes. Goodbye.”

* * *

“Did you not bring any tangerines?”

Lee Jihoon, who was sitting in the passenger seat, spotted me and dropped his phone from his ear. He seemed to be on a call. I pretended not to hear anything and pushed one box into the trunk. The trunk, which had only been rolling with a gym bag, was now full to the brim. It was because of Lee Jihoon’s father, who had insisted I take sweet potatoes, dried persimmons, traditional rice drink, and tangerines.

Having seen his father exhaustively offer so much, Lee Jihoon had escaped as soon as the meal was done, pretending to be busy with smoking. But I hadn’t been able to do that, hence the repetitive moving of luggage.

“Yes. I’ll ask for your help.”

Noticing my silence, Lee Jihoon finished his call and approached the trunk. Seeing it filled to the brim, he wore a look of disbelief.

“You even brought another box?”

It seemed he counted the number of tangerine boxes by that point. I cleared my throat, pushed him away, and closed the trunk. I had to cut him off completely; he would only find more things to nag about if I didn’t. Though judging by the fact that he was still following me to the driver’s seat, it didn’t seem to matter much.

“You know this inability to refuse is a sickness, right?”

This was unreal… If he only knew he had to shoulder double the burden from being friends with his father without any hesitation. He stopped as I paused, making a baffled expression and raising an eyebrow at me as if daring me to object. Ignoring him, I attempted to open the door but hesitated. I was sure I’d left the keys turned in the ignition when I opened the trunk, but the driver’s side door was locked.

“Are you looking for these?”

Lee Jihoon stood behind me, waving his hand. The keys dangled from the tip of his finger as he deliberately swayed them. It was so sudden that it felt like he had been saving his energy for this. Most importantly, it was unacceptable. Lee Jihoon didn’t trust anyone else to drive; he would stay quiet when others held the wheel, but when he was behind the wheel, he would let loose. The thought of having to endure that throughout the ride home gave me a headache. I firmly extended my hand. Thinking back, it seemed as if I had lost my nerve and was considering stealing a police officer’s belongings.