FBF chapter 6 part 4

In that moment, Lee Jihoon’s gaze remained unwavering. Hoping there was a reason behind it, I concluded my speech.

“Why are you wasting your talents on something you’re not good at?”

Without shifting his gaze from me, Lee Jihoon opened his mouth.

“Seon-uk. Let’s talk straight.”

His tone was calm. Whether it was his neatly arranged hair or the expression he’d wear for a photo ID, everything about him had an air of serenity. His posture was as straight as always. There wasn’t a crack to be found in the perfect demeanor of the guy standing before me, as if to prove he wasn’t shaken by the question I had just thrown at him.

“Am I the one wasting my time?”

It wasn’t condescending; it felt more like a lesson. His voice was clear and filled with confidence, as if pointing out a fact I had been oblivious to.

“A classmate you can only remember after a long time isn’t someone on the same level as me, right?”

Lee Jihoon tilted his head slightly and smiled as if he found it ridiculous.

“If you want to compare, you should bring someone from the same weight class. At least someone you’ve known for ten years, someone whose face you see at every significant family event.”

“……”

“If you were just a middle school friend, I wouldn’t be cleaning your friend’s bathroom or throwing away three hundred a week.”

As the silence stretched longer without my response, Lee Jihoon’s expression turned more serious. His eyes, now devoid of any sparkle, stared intently at me. I tilted my head, barely managing to murmur something that felt like either an excuse or a rebuttal.

“…I never asked you to do that.”

The wet tissue intended for my cheek hung in the air. Instead of pretending nothing had happened like before, Lee Jihoon paused and threw the tissue into the nearby trash can.

“So.”

I slowly averted my gaze from the trash can that had swallowed the tissue cleanly. Lee Jihoon’s eyes caught mine again, and he slightly frowned, as if determined to show me something. His gaze hardened. But just as he was tensing his jaw, he suddenly relaxed his face as if he knew that such methods would not yield the desired effect.

“Why aren’t you doing it?”

He seemed to understand better than anyone that causing someone pain didn’t require physical action.

“Is that your way of liking me? Liking me in secret and then giving up and running away right when you confess? Then I would at least have to chase after you just to see your face.”

The unrequited love that took over ten years to express was summarized so succinctly by the person involved.

I couldn’t counter him. Every time Lee Jihoon opened his mouth, I felt like he was unearthing the deepest, darkest parts of my heart that I had chosen to hide away. Within lay things that didn’t even need to be seen.

“It’s impossible to like someone without a sense of greed. Is what you wanted from me this ridiculous situation?”

And so, I hadn’t thought that he would rush in like this, hoping to have a resolution. I silently regarded the place that felt like a wreck, just by hearing such words from the person involved. I pondered that my desire wasn’t simply to escape before everything turned chaotic.

Seeing me silent, Lee Jihoon hesitated for the first time. It was the first sign of hesitation I’d seen since we’d met today.

“Do you… think you won’t regret it?”

But unlike me, he spoke out. As always, voicing his thoughts seemed far easier than holding them back.

“Seon-uk, I won’t.”

That was also the difference between Lee Jihoon and me.

“When I gave up baseball, when I dropped out of construction, everyone said I was crazy. But I’ve never regretted those decisions.”

“……”

“But I think I might regret it if you can’t return to my life.”

I always found it harder to bear the consequences of confessing than to keep my feelings hidden.

I was afraid of losing Lee Jihoon, afraid that I would even lose the refuge of friendship, and ultimately, that I would end up unable to be beside Lee Jihoon, no matter how hard I tried.

What I had done for such a long time had inevitably become a habit, anchoring me to this very moment. Watching Lee Jihoon act as if he knew that so well, I realized that even that habit had lost its meaning.

“…I already regret it.”

Lee Jihoon stopped pouring out his words and closed his mouth. I forced the words out.

“I regret confessing to you. That’s the only thing I regret.”

“……”

“That was the first time I openly desired something while liking you.”

I have always been a person with a lack of imagination, except when it comes to Lee Jihoon. I’ve imagined countless things, the scenes that I would see someday.

If I continued to hide my feelings like I always had and was satisfied being just a close friend, I would probably find myself eligible to attend Lee Jihoon’s wedding. I would meet the woman who would become Lee Jihoon’s wife before the wedding, greet her, and naturally receive the invitation with Lee Jihoon’s name on it. While standing at the entrance of the wedding venue with Kang Youngsoo, I would take Lee Jihoon’s wedding gifts and take photos beside him.

I thought that the more I imagined, the more numb I would become, and I convinced myself that I would be fine. I told myself it wouldn’t be that hard; I just had to stay still.

Reality always crashes in. It shatters the illusions and imaginings that had built up in that space. When Lee Jihoon asked me if I had someone I was meeting, I realized that the picture-perfect future I had thought I saw clearly was merely a curtain reflected in the wind blown from Lee Jihoon.

In that fleeting moment of shattered visions, I acknowledged that this was my limit. I also acknowledged that I had no confidence to withstand the coming storms.

“The outcome is terrible.”

The door opened. A man about our age walked in and glanced at the two of us before heading to the urinal. It would be odd to see someone facing each other instead of washing their hands at the sink. I lowered my head, leaving Lee Jihoon, who was looking only at me. My phone buzzed in my pocket. Since I didn’t answer, the vibration transferred to Lee Jihoon. He didn’t pick up either. There were not many who would call me and Lee Jihoon back and forth without a pause. When my phone vibrated again, I picked it up. A man finished up at the sink, so I subtly turned away from Lee Jihoon and stepped back. I glimpsed the man dusting off his hands in the mirror.

Bang. The door closed, and the bathroom fell silent again. Kang Youngsoo’s voice on the other end of the line rang loudly and clearly, as though he were standing right next to me.

-Seon-uk, I’m just about there. For real. I’m right in front! The alley is too narrow for the car, so I’m running like hell!

The sound of wind brushing past made me question whether he was truly running.

-Are you mad that I’m late? Huh? That jerk Jihoon gone? I know he hates being late, so I called on purpose, but he didn’t pick up. Have you eaten? You ordered, right? I told that pig earlier that the squid ink risotto is delicious.

Knowing he was late, his prattle seemed longer than usual. Amidst the pauses in his speech, I could hear his heavy breathing making its way in.

“You’re still here. Take your time. Don’t rush.”

-Okay! I’m really right in front! Bye!

The call ended abruptly. I lowered my phone and raised my gaze. I locked eyes with Lee Jihoon in the mirror. He was silently watching me. He had an expression that suggested we could argue for as long as we wanted if he wanted to. However, since Kang Youngsoo had arrived, I couldn’t keep stalling. With a sigh, I turned my body. If Lee Jihoon wasn’t leaving, then at least I had to be the first to go.

I halted my rotation because of Lee Jihoon’s hand that caught my vision. The bloodstains on his fingertips were clearly from when he had pressed his fingers against my nose earlier. It was the moment I realized that while I was cleaning my face with a wet tissue, Lee Jihoon’s fingers had been in that terrible state the whole time. Hesitant, I opened my mouth.

“Wash your hands. There’s blood on them.”

Lee Jihoon looked down at his hands. It was as if he only then realized how they had become stained. Leaving him in place, I moved away.

“I have a senior who’s a professor at Seo-eon University Hospital.”

The sound of running water filled the air. Lee Jihoon had turned his back to me, washing his hands. The act of dispensing liquid soap and scrubbing it off was neat.

“I’ll ask for a check-up, so at least make time to go for it. No matter how tired you are, you haven’t had a nosebleed since your entrance exams.”

Despite the continuous sound of water flowing, Lee Jihoon’s voice didn’t get drowned out. I was confused—was it because I couldn’t ignore what he said or because he was speaking with such insistence? Not getting a reply, Lee Jihoon raised his head. As our gazes locked in the mirror for a moment longer, I left without answering and closed the door behind me.

From a distance, I could already see that the table was bustling. The atmosphere was wildly different from before, even though only one more person had joined. Sensing me approach, Kang Youngsoo turned around and rushed over to me.

“Hey, what did you buy when I asked you to come empty-handed?”

In my hand was the gift I had brought. As he clung to me, I couldn’t help but instinctively feel the tension behind me. Despite people chattering all around, I could distinctly pick out the sound of Lee Jihoon’s shoes. As I brushed past Kang Youngsoo, I looked at Lee Jihoon’s back as he took a chair. The face of his fiancée, looking tense in his presence, and Young-eun, who exchanged worried glances with me, only added to the tension.

“Are you okay? I’ve got some ice, but it seems to have melted a bit…”

“Huh? What’s okay?”

“Seon-uk had a nosebleed earlier.”

“What? Where? Show me.”

“It’s fine. I wiped it.”

“Why did you suddenly get a nosebleed?”

“…Just, I guess I was tired. It’s no big deal.”

“That’s not it. It seems like the first time I’ve seen you get a nosebleed since high school, right? You used to get them all the time. But, I thought you were overdoing it lately. You’re always working overtime whenever I call you.”

“Well…”

“Take it easy. They don’t even acknowledge you at work for that! Do you know what Yong-joo just said? He told me not to think about getting overtime pay; I should find a way to finish my tasks on time. What the hell? How can you say that when there are people sitting there doing overtime for him on a Friday?”

“I get it, just sit down and talk.”

I paused after gently pushing Kang Youngsoo’s back, who was ready to continue rambling. The plan to seat Kang Youngsoo in the center, opposite Young-eun and her fiancé, had been thwarted because Lee Jihoon had already occupied that spot. Now I had no choice but to sit next to Lee Jihoon, regardless of which chair I picked.

“What wine did you order?”

The only person who could challenge him was Kang Youngsoo, who leaned over the menu Young-eun had nudged to him, showing no sign of curiosity about that sort of thing. I reluctantly moved to sit beside Lee Jihoon. Upon my arrival, Lee Jihoon stopped fiddling with his phone and dropped it onto the table. The first thing I noticed was how clean his hands looked, just like there had been nothing amiss.

“Alright, it’s late, but let’s each have a drink.”

Kang Youngsoo, comfortably situated at an inner seat, lifted a wine glass.

“Although Yong-joo acted out, I got a bonus today. Drink up, everyone.”

“Oh yeah. We have to make the most of it. Cheers, everyone!”

With shining eyes, Young-eun led everyone in raising their glasses. As the wine glasses clinked together, my arm almost brushed against Lee Jihoon’s. The fact that he was holding a wine glass with his left hand, despite not being left-handed, struck me. Being in so many gatherings, I’d never encountered this before. Subconsciously, I glanced at Lee Jihoon’s face first. As if sensing my gaze, he turned to me. His dark eyes seemed to ask, “Why?”

“……”

My face stiffened at his brazen expression that made no attempt to hide that he had done it on purpose. I broke off our eye contact and switched the wine glass to my left hand. Noticing I had set my glass down without taking a sip, Kang Youngsoo leaned forward, intrigued.

“Why aren’t you drinking? If you drove here, I can give you taxi fare, so drink up.”

“It’s not that. I have to stop by the police station after this.”

I didn’t want to see him, but I could still sense Lee Jihoon’s gaze on me. When I mentioned I had to go to the police station, I thought I heard a scoff that was barely audible. Yet Lee Jihoon did not say anything. His gaze, which had been persistently locked on me, gradually retreated. At the same time, he raised his hand and slapped Kang Youngsoo’s back.

“Ouch! What the hell are you doing?”

“I told you to keep your mouth shut if you were late.”

“Did you remember that, Jihoon? Did you forget that it was my birthday?”

“Youngeun, throw that big box at your feet away. Your brother doesn’t need that.”

“Listen to what people say until the end, Jihoon. I was about to ask if we’re not doing any Indian food or anything.”

“Wow, you really brought it? Are you crazy? Why the hell would your brother need a MacBook? He works at a company where electronics are everywhere.”

“Youngeun, ah, no, sister. You’ll hurt yourself if you act so carelessly. I’ll take care of it.”

Though everyone had something to say, only the two of us remained silent. At least during this dinner, that was how it was going to be.

By ten o’clock, the gathering had ended. The couple, who had to stop by the wedding venue in the morning, left first. Kang Youngsoo suggested going for a second round with the remaining people but eventually made an excuse to leave. Lee Jihoon also took a cab without saying a word and disappeared. If Kang Youngsoo had known we lived together, he might have asked why we didn’t leave together, but as he handed me taxi fare without saying much, he seemed oblivious. That was a relief. Yet I couldn’t guarantee that it would always be that way. I pressed my throbbing head against the steering wheel.

Despite receiving scolding over the phone just earlier, I felt no shame resurfacing at work. It was clear that if I went back, I would just get chased away. My options were scarce as I wandered without a destination. I realized it had been a while since I last visited.

“……”

Perhaps because it was late, the hospital corridors were tranquil. Most of the lights in the ward were dimmed, except for the nurse’s station. However, even in darkness, it was a space I could navigate easily. I had spent years coming and going there. Following my instincts, I soon found myself standing in front of the two-person ward at the end of the hallway. As I opened the door, my gaze briefly fell on a name I recognized.

[Ji Cheong-woo Patient]

Normally, there would be another patient’s name listed in that spot, but it now stood blank. I realized once again that another person had left us. I stopped myself from wondering where he had gone, considering that the outcomes of such disappearances were usually predictable.

Creak.

Every time I entered, I felt like I was stepping into a colossal tomb. That was because, aside from the sound of life-support machines, there was nothing else. No one spoke. Even if I tried to talk, there hadn’t been someone awake for years to respond to me. I knew that speaking to myself was futile, just as it would be in a grave.

I approached the bed by the window. The curtains around it were half-drawn. It seemed that the nurse had momentarily stepped out. Peeking into the darkened bathroom instead of looking for her, I pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat down.

“……”

My grandfather was sleeping soundly, motionless as ever. Though I knew he wasn’t really asleep, I had to say it. He always slept on his left side. I knew this well because it was how I had seen him before bed every night in my room. It wasn’t his will to lie flat on his back and stare at the ceiling. Ignoring the fact that the blanket, too freshly washed, lay stiff over him, I reached out to grasp my grandfather’s hand.

“I’m sorry I haven’t visited often lately. I’ve been a bit busy.”

Though he might not be curious about my news, I conveyed it nonetheless. In fact, for several years after my grandfather had fallen ill, I hadn’t even been able to do this. I wanted to deny reality. It had only been recently that I started holding his hand and awkwardly trying to talk to him. Of course, I often fell silent without speaking a word, but this was my modest effort. I had read about someone who had been in a vegetative state for over five years but had miraculously regained consciousness. “Every time my family spoke, I wanted to answer. I could hear them clearly, but it was painful not being able to tell them I was here, listening. I think I could even move my fingers because I kept thinking that.” I understand that regaining awareness is something with a minuscule probability. Yet to me, even a 1% chance was invaluable.

His wrinkled hand was warm as always, the only evidence I could feel that he was alive. Technically, an ECG graph or other medical evidence could confirm his living status, but I was mostly drawn to this tactile proof. I began to massage my grandfather’s hand gently. I realized I needed to cut his nails, but work had been so busy lately that I had forgotten about that.

Fortunately, the nails weren’t long, perhaps because the nurse had trimmed them for him. I lifted the blanket slightly to check his toenails, and they were also manicured. I carefully tucked the blanket over him again.

Creak—

“Oh, doctor. You’ve come!”

It was the nurse. Spotting me, she looked a bit surprised. It wasn’t unusual to visit at this hour.

“Oh my, I didn’t even notice you were here.”

It was our second meeting since the initial greeting, and she still seemed to find me somewhat young. Perhaps she felt a bit anxious, realizing she wasn’t by his side when I arrived, so I shook my head reassuringly.

“I just arrived. You don’t need to worry about me; I just came to see him briefly.”

The new nurse had been referred by the previous one. She was a junior from my hometown, and she said that although she’s not very experienced, once she takes on a patient, she tends to care for them for a long time. I trusted the previous nurse, who had taken great care of my grandfather for the past five years, so I didn’t ask further and simply agreed. She observed me quietly for a moment before gesturing for me to sit down. I turned my head away from her as she placed a humidifier on the side table. Grasping my grandfather’s hand firmly again as I stood, the nurse spoke up. Holding a notebook that I hadn’t seen before, she wore an expression of curiosity.

“Is this week a special occasion for your grandfather?”

“…What?”

“Because of you, and the person who came earlier… I thought maybe something special was happening, but I wasn’t informed when I took over from Myung-hee.”

I found it hard to understand what she meant. Only certain people visited here. Those who knew my grandfather well or those who knew me well. For instance, Kang Youngsoo’s mother or Lee Jihoon’s father would always call me whenever they visited Taean. I realized that I hadn’t received communication recently, and when I displayed a puzzled look, she added a clarification.

“It seems a friend of yours didn’t tell you they were coming.”

A friend? The nurse tilted her head as she observed my surprise.

“I believe it should be a friend. Myung-hee mentioned that you have friends visiting from time to time, so don’t be surprised. I thought I had noted it down here. Just a moment.”

Peering into her notebook, she frowned slightly as if trying hard to recall something that could provide a hint.

“They’re really handsome, it seems. And they’re quite friendly, too. It was my first time seeing them, but they approached me quite nicely. They even bought sushi for me to eat today.”