FBF chapter 6 part 3

I shook my head instinctively.

“Enough. Just smoke and come inside.”

My hand, which was about to grab the doorknob, faltered. It was because of Lee Jihoon, who blocked my view. I quietly stared at the reflection of Lee Jihoon’s back and my stiff face in the round glass window between the iron door separating the terrace and the inside. I realized how his actions had unofficially declared the end of our tacit truce.

“Who is it?”

Perhaps aware that it was an irresponsible question to throw out without reason as he blocked my intended path, Lee Jihoon kindly added while glancing down at my face.

“It’s a friend from school.”

“…….”

“I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“…….”

“Is it someone you won’t think of again going forward?”

The unlit cigarette in Lee Jihoon’s mouth moved slightly each time he spoke. The reason he managed to not drop it was likely because he was the type of smoker who could control it with a bit of humor. He was more focused on hearing my answer—displaying a face that looked like it was dying for a drag—than even reaching for his lighter. He didn’t even pretend to smile anymore.

“I don’t think so. Right?”

Instead of answering, I stared at the cigarette that was gripped in Lee Jihoon’s mouth. Should I have simply taken one when I asked if he wanted a cigarette?

“…….”

“…….”

But the moment I saw his stubborn expression, which seemed determined to keep the filter clenched until he got a response from me, my thoughts shifted. It couldn’t be. I stepped back with a stiff face. Since Lee Jihoon had begun to act this way, it was clear I wouldn’t be able to exit through that door until this conversation was over.

“Why are you curious about that?”

“Why don’t you want to talk about it?”

Neither of us responded but just held our ground. Obviously, a conversation could never be established like this. Both the one asking questions with predetermined answers and me, who didn’t want to spit out any answers, were at a stalemate. I had known that I would have to face off with Lee Jihoon like this when I got here, but the timing was sooner than I had expected. My head felt frozen as if the cold air had numbed it. No matter how hard I tried to think of a way to quickly end this conversation and go back, nothing concrete came to mind. Even with his hair blowing in the wind, Lee Jihoon in his shirt remained fixed on me. The tilted head and hands stuffed in his pockets created an atmosphere that was rebellious yet curiously patient. I could feel his stubbornness shining through, intent on getting a response.

This was also the reason I had endured not going home all week against his pleading. I already knew I was going to face this trouble.

Yet I had come here despite fully understanding what was going to happen. As Lee Jihoon’s patience began to wane, I realized I could no longer sit idly by and watch him act absurdly. Despite the scenery surrounding him, he was only just igniting the spark. There was plenty of fuel to keep it going. I lifted my head. Perhaps sensing that I was now willing to speak, Lee Jihoon straightened his head back upright. His hair, unlike on workdays, had settled calmly over his forehead, reminiscent of his school days. However, we had passed that time and were now standing here. I could no longer ignore that fact.

I opened my mouth, exhaling into the atmosphere as if tossing a name into the air.

“Yoo Hye-eun.”

“Who?”

Lee Jihoon furrowed one eyebrow slightly in response. I wasn’t surprised, thinking that he might not be able to recall her immediately, since during that time, there had been no conversations between just the two of us about her. That could perhaps have been part of the problem, I realized later. Letting go of my lightly pursed lips, I calmly added some details.

“She was your partner in the third year of middle school. Don’t you remember?”

Only then did Lee Jihoon seem to dredge something up from his memory. The sound he made was more of an “Ah,” not an impressive exclamation but rather an insignificant reaction, like hearing tales of a classmate at a reunion whom he had little interaction with.

“Vice class representative?”

His own version of a sincere recollection elicited a laugh from me. Unlike Yoo Hye-eun, who seemed to remember him instantly, Lee Jihoon had reduced her to just another one of the many names he recognized. Thinking of Yoo Hye-eun, who became lost among the myriad of class representatives we had encountered during school, only made my lips tighten.

“Why’s that name suddenly come to mind?”

Lee Jihoon’s gaze lingered on my lips. He looked puzzled as to why I was smiling.

“You weren’t even close with her.”

Having just forgotten her name moments ago, I found it bewildering how he remembered that I wasn’t close to her. I laughed helplessly and muttered.

“I ran into her while working. The company people misinterpreted it.”

“…Ah. What was I thinking?”

Now that his curiosity was satisfied, Lee Jihoon’s demeanor turned scarily apathetic. Seeming as if he had nothing more to glean, he broke off his gaze and moved away with the cigarette still clenched between his lips. His steps were slow as he headed toward the ashtray nestled right by the railing. At that moment, the heavy door swung open.

“Not enough talking in front, now you’re chatting in back?”

Kang Young-eun appeared, poking her head through the gap of the door and playfully posing the question. Unlike Lee Jihoon, she was dressed warmly in her coat. It was clear she had come looking for us. As expected, she shut the door behind her. After quickly closing the distance, she extended her hand toward Lee Jihoon, who held the cigarette pack.

“Can I have one as well?”

I was surprised since I hadn’t known if she smoked, but Lee Jihoon casually offered the pack as if it was a regular occurrence. As she picked one out, she turned to me a beat late and smiled.

“Ah, is this your first time seeing me smoke in front of my older brother? I don’t smoke often, just occasionally, so don’t lecture me.”

I could tell from her eyes that she was surprised to see me. I nodded a beat late. She wasn’t a child but an adult, so there was no reason to meddle. Young-eun must have had similar thoughts since she took the lighter from Lee Jihoon instead of saying anything more. As she stepped back after lighting up, the thin stream of smoke leisurely flowed from her delicate lips. It looked far more natural than I had expected.

“You heard the story about the wedding ruckus, right?”

Her question was more like a verification than an inquiry born from curiosity. Young-eun’s gaze fixated on Lee Jihoon, who had just lit a new cigarette. Catching a glimpse of her, he only smiled back without a word. The trace of a dimple appeared briefly before disappearing with a blink.

For some reason, it felt like she was excessively putting down her fiancé, but perhaps she had a reason. After the time we had spent together, Young-eun sometimes felt like a younger sister to me. It was the same for Lee Jihoon, who had known her longer; he probably felt the same way. I turned my gaze beyond the round window. Her fiancé was likely pacing anxiously, waiting alone just like before, but I no longer felt any sympathy at all.

I agreed with Lee Jihoon’s words. It seemed Young-eun had lowered her eyes considerably.

“I don’t know what kind of devilish editing Kang Young-soo did, but since the parties involved had a proper agreement, let’s leave it at that. Stop dragging my fiancé through the mud, okay? Is this a hearing or something? Is this a hearing?”

Given that the very parties used the term ‘war,’ it probably hadn’t been an easy process. Knowing Young-eun had likely suffered in dealing with it made Lee Jihoon’s tormenting of her fiancé appear like a display of his affection, causing her not to be angry but rather to moan lightly with annoyance. While staring at Young-eun, Lee Jihoon chuckled. He had a smile that resembled nothing typically seen inside a restaurant.

“Let’s not rush into this marriage. Let’s hang out a bit longer with your older brothers.”

Suddenly I felt a grip on my shoulder. It was Lee Jihoon, who had unexpectedly attempted to put his arm around me. Considering it was near the injury from yesterday, I almost let out a groan instinctively. I barely held it back and chose to look ahead rather than turn to the side. That was when I found myself entering the conversation. It was in front of Young-eun, and there was no need to act awkwardly in this situation, sparking unnecessary doubts. Unlike Kang Young-soo, Young-eun was quick-witted.

It was needless to say that Lee Jihoon was calculated enough to display his friendship like this. His fingers were tapping lightly on my shoulder.

“There are brothers here who will catch you if you meet bad people.”

“…….”

“And there are brothers who will give you a plane ride.”

“Really?”

It was similar to what had transpired in the restaurant earlier. The act of pointing at each other was the same, but the nuances and attitudes differed completely. Young-eun, knowing the reason, at last laughed as if conceding.

“You used to pretend to be busy and not hang out when I was working as a flight attendant, but now you’re finally willing to play.”

“Young-eun, that’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“Back then, you hadn’t gotten your co-pilot’s license yet.”

“Ah, so now you’ve got some extra time because you’re a co-pilot?”

“That’s not it. It’s about making a fuss over your precious time.”

Young-eun flashed a grin, exposing her teeth at Lee Jihoon’s teasing reply. Her face was entirely relaxed as she laughed, reminiscent of when we first met. Her chubby cheeks had slimmed down now, and her hair, which used to be tied back in one, now fell neatly below her shoulders. She noticed me watching her and shook her head, glancing back toward me with a bright smile. In our trio of laughter, there were various reflections of two people. It was a moment to share the memories we now held together.

As Lee Jihoon observed us swapping bright smiles, he closed his mouth like someone who had finished a task. As always, a brief silence followed a hearty laugh. Finally, Lee Jihoon’s voice wafted through the air like a gentle breeze.

“Even though I’m stuck here this late, your brother is still from a noble family. Go have fun with your brothers and then marry the one who’ll die without you.”

It didn’t seem like a casual remark, and his expression was considerably more serious than earlier. Young-eun glanced down for a moment as if pondering something, pouting her lips. Seizing the opportunity, I gently pushed Lee Jihoon’s arm away from my shoulder. Although I felt his gaze on me, I didn’t turn around. Fortunately, he wordlessly shifted his attention back to Young-eun.

“Seong-jun says he’d die without me too.”

Lee Jihoon shrugged in response.

“Well, I guess I’m just an old-fashioned type.”

“…….”

“I find someone who chooses to get involved in a war more admirable than someone who just goes out to fight honorably and sends a telegram saying they died.”

Young-eun, rolling her eyes in disbelief, chose not to challenge him. Instead, she crushed the short cigarette she had been holding and shifted the conversation’s direction.

“Anyway, you never give in even a little bit. That’s probably why Kang Young-soo will marry before you do, right?”

“Of course. Your brother is love-deficient.”

“How’s that different for you?”

“I would say there’s a difference.”

“How?”

As if fueled by stubbornness, Young-eun locked eyes with Lee Jihoon, who paused for a moment as he contemplated. His gaze, briefly directed to the air, returned in less than three seconds. As if he had made up his mind, he spoke without hesitation.

“I’m probably a lot closer to being nuts than love-deficient.”

Young-eun jerked her head towards me, her expression turning blank for an instant at his self-deprecating remark.

“You really don’t agree with anything I say, do you?”

Her question was one seeking affirmation, but it left me at a loss for approval or denial. Especially since I felt like I had been the one who had exacerbated that nuttiness lately. So, I smiled ambiguously, but Young-eun must have taken it differently; she approached me and held my hand tightly. Like how my aunt used to do when I would go down to Taean, she gently tapped my hand, as if comforting me.

“You’re doing a fine job balancing between a love-deficient patient and a nutcase.”

While her expression dressed in pity, I could see the mischievous glint in her eye as she shot quick glances at Lee Jihoon. He smirked at her teasing. His gaze was fixated on my hand that she was holding.

“Wow, you’re certainly holding hands with your first love while your fiancé is waiting outside.”

“What can I do? Am I gonna bite him?”

“Not right now. But should I take a picture as evidence?”

“Wow, are you seriously going to crash my wedding like this?”

Listening to the banter between them, I suddenly felt dizzy. Habitually, I reached for my nose. The momentary anxiety soon transformed into reality. When I confirmed something damp on my fingers, I instinctively dropped my head.

“…Oppa?”

Perhaps because I pulled my hand away suddenly, Young-eun called out to me in surprise.

“What’s wrong? Did you get a nosebleed?”

I thought he wouldn’t see my hidden face, but I hadn’t expected the blood on my fingers to be visible. I shook my head.

“It’s nothing. It just happens sometimes lately… Ah!”

I bit down on my lip in haste, but a groan escaped through my teeth. The wound on my right arm throbbed painfully. The unexpected touch came from Lee Jihoon. The strength in his grip was entirely different from before when he pulled my shoulder.

“Don’t lift your head.”

Losing my balance for a brief moment caused my hand, which was covering my face, to fall away awkwardly. Taking advantage of that moment, Lee Jihoon turned my body fully toward him. With one hand, he pressed down on my nose. Expecting blood to stain, he cared little for that as he calmly spoke, entirely unlike someone lacking patience.

“Young-eun. Go inside and check if there’s any ice.”

“Um? Should I get a tissue too?”

“No. You’ll end up stopping by the restroom anyway. Just ask if they have ice. If they do, ask them to make a pocket for it.”

“Ah, got it!”

In my slightly obscured view, the sight of Lee Jihoon in his white dress shirt appeared. Our bodies had pressed together too closely. I wished instead that I could smell cigarette smoke, but all I caught was Lee Jihoon’s scent lingering at the tip of my nose. In this situation, it was the most intolerable thing. I focused on the sound of Young-eun’s hurried footsteps fading away. At that moment, I tensed my body. I felt the pressure on the back of my head was stronger than I had expected. I bit down hard to muffle a damp breath escaping my lips.

“Let go.”

Instead of answering, Lee Jihoon searched under my nose once more. A faint sigh escaped his lips.

“When did this start?”

I paused in my staring at the pristine fabric of Lee Jihoon’s shirt and shifted my gaze downward.

“I’ll go to the restroom on my own, so let me go.”

“Answer before you go.”

“…….”

“Don’t make me ask the same simple question twice.”

The conversation once again began to drift parallel lines. If someone interrupted, it would at least feel like we were crossing paths, but when no one did, it felt like we were both sprinting ahead endlessly. I relaxed the tension in my body. Meanwhile, the nosebleed continued to flow. It hadn’t been this bad in the past; lately, once it started, it just kept oozing without stopping. Watching the drops fall continuously, I finally opened my mouth.

I couldn’t help but think that it was Lee Jihoon who was causing me to conceal even the simplest of answers.

“Since you walked into the house.”

Lee Jihoon fell silent. Taking advantage of the moment his grip on my head loosened, I swatted his hand away. The moment I stood up, my eyes met his. Lee Jihoon wore an unreadable expression. Ignoring him, I walked toward the iron door.

The restroom was more crowded than I had anticipated. However, I didn’t have to wait long, thanks to a startled middle-aged man who jumped aside upon seeing me dripping blood. It took a considerable amount of time for the bleeding to cease. Eventually, I found myself alone in the empty restroom. As I glanced around, I wiped under my nose once again. It seemed nothing was coming out anymore. As I lifted my torso from the sink, the door swung open.

Lee Jihoon stood three steps back, stopping in his tracks. Our eyes met through the mirror. I cast my gaze down, hurriedly grabbing a tissue to dab under my nose. I thought it was absurd that I was straining to listen for the sound of shoes against the floor.

“Look at me.”

Lee Jihoon had already been standing where I couldn’t not turn my body, so I had no choice but to comply. I weakly gazed at him. Without saying anything, he lifted his hand and placed it on my face. The cold, damp tissue brushed against my cheek. Next, it moved to under my nose, beside my lips, and finally down to my neck. The careful touch that meticulously traced every point where I had just wiped blood could have easily been that of a parent caring for a sick child.

Lee Jihoon was completely focused on what he was doing, his eyes downcast. It was as if he believed that if any traces of blood remained on my face, something catastrophic would occur.

For the first time, I felt curious.

“How will you prove that it’s not love?”

The tissue that had been tickling my chin came to a standstill in mid-air. I raised my gaze from the tissue stained with what I had thought was all the blood already wiped clean. Lee Jihoon wore a slightly startled expression—one that indicated he hadn’t expected to hear such words in this moment.

“You’re planning to block my exit without having thought anything particular prior?”

“…….”

“If that’s the case, let me tell you how.”

I couldn’t recall the last time I had looked into Lee Jihoon’s eyes this closely.

“Do to me what you did to Yoo Hye-eun.”

“I don’t know. To be honest, I can’t remember everything clearly; it’s been a long time, and maybe it shocked me too much back then, but I think it had that kind of nuance. He spoke about his mother and how he felt insecure. I don’t know why he suddenly brought up his mother, but in any case, that was the conclusion. He said he was sorry for not feeling the same way. Then, he asked me how he could make it better.”

“Reject me, saying you’re sorry for not feeling the same, and then ask how you can help.”

Until yesterday, I had thought that Yoo Hye-eun and I didn’t have many things in common. If there was anything, it was just the fact that we both liked Lee Jihoon. But now, my thoughts had shifted a little. We had more in common than I had anticipated.

Yoo Hye-eun had told me she moved to Seoul right after finishing middle school in Taean due to her father’s job. She had never returned to Taean after that. If I had followed my mother right after middle school ended, wouldn’t it have been similar? I remembered Lee Jihoon’s firm declaration that if I went to Seoul, I would absolutely not contact him. Now, I can admit: yes, I wouldn’t have contacted him. And if that had been the case, I would have merely remained a fleeting presence to him, perhaps as the “class representative.”

However, I had made a different choice, and while Yoo Hye-eun kept Lee Jihoon as a fond memory, Lee Jihoon had become my present reality. I found myself wondering if that moment had been my last opportunity, and now that there was no turning back, I realized it anew.

“And if I tell you I can’t continue being close with you, that I want you to act like you don’t know me, just agree.”

“Back then, my young heart was embarrassed, and above all, I was too proud. Everything he said felt like an excuse. So, I asked him to act like he didn’t know me, to only acknowledge me as a classmate and not get too close. He said fine, and he really kept that distance. Later on, I regretted saying that. That’s why I thought you’d know what was going on. You two did look close. Even when you handed over the selection box, you just said ‘okay’ without asking me anything….”

I wouldn’t blame Lee Jihoon for my foolishly carried first love. But at this point, my curiosity had piqued. After all that time, he had neither told me not to like him, nor had he rejected me like he had done to Yoo Hye-eun; how exactly did he intend to enlighten me that this wasn’t love?