FBF chapter 5 part 8

‘What is he saying, really!’

‘Moon, did you ask to sit with Jihoon again next month, or not? Just tell me straight. I’ll understand.’

Images flashed through my mind—Yoo Hye-eun, with her flushed face, raising her hand as if to tell Lee Ji-hoon to stop his teasing, and then the moment in the empty classroom when she handed me the lottery box, her expression almost ready to cry.

‘This… can you do it from now on?’

I realized something I had known but never paid attention to in that way: Yoo Hye-eun was the deputy class president. She was the one in charge of the seating lottery.

“…Ah, thank you.”

Even now, Yoo Hye-eun looked as if she would cry at any moment. Of course, she lowered her head as if trying not to let Lee Ji-hoon notice.

Does Ji-hoon really not know?

I caught a glimpse of Lee Ji-hoon turning his head slowly towards me from where he had been looking down at Yoo Hye-eun’s head. Unlike Hye-eun, his expression showed no signs of agitation; he seemed completely unbothered.

‘What? Now you’re my partner?’

‘Didn’t you know? It’s the day we change seats.’

‘Oh? I didn’t know. But damn, this is bad. Both of us have loud voices, the teachers are gonna hate us.’

Just as I had teased Ahn Hee-yeon, who had moved from the front row to the furthest back seat, despite her seat being so far from mine overnight. When I heard that Ji-hoon had changed seats, I saw him glance at Yoo Hye-eun, who was bowing her head deeply in the back. However, Ji-hoon didn’t say a word to her about why she changed seats. Instead, he turned away. Even though Yoo Hye-eun was treating him awkwardly and not even trying to make eye contact.

“What are you doing?”

I had only been lost in thought for a moment, and suddenly, only Ji-hoon remained by the back door. Seeing him look at me as if asking what I was doing, I closed my bag. Kang Youngsoo was still walking down the hallway. I gestured for Ji-hoon to wait a moment and then slowly followed after my friend, who was walking away as if asking for me to catch him.

“Hey, Kang Youngsoo.”

It wasn’t difficult to catch up with him. As soon as I tapped him on the back, he turned around to look at me.

“Even if it’s far, we can catch the bus together if we time it right. Who knows, we might run into each other when going home. If you text me that you’re leaving first, we can just take the bus later.”

Kang Youngsoo blinked a few times before he understood my words and came closer. Seon-uk! As expected, I trusted you. Ji-hoon is trash, but you’re not. I don’t need 15 years of friendship. I’m going to build 15 years of friendship with you going forward. Not with that bastard, only you. Just the two of us. Hearing words that seemed aimed solely at him, Ji-hoon, who had been leaning against the back door while looking down at his phone, raised his hand and shook it in a ‘stop’ motion.

“Hey, it’s 58 minutes.”

With that, Ji-hoon got closer and tapped Kang Youngsoo on the head. Still, my words seemed to encouraged Youngsoo, and he stopped whining. Once we confirmed that Youngsoo had entered his classroom, we headed up the stairs. Thankfully, it didn’t take long to reach the video room.

The name of the movie we were about to watch was written in white chalk on the blackboard in the video room.

The title seemed familiar; it was a movie mentioned several times by my ex-girlfriend from the first year who liked it. I found myself staring at the title on the blackboard for a long time. Ji-hoon, standing next to me, asked, “Have you seen it?” I shook my head. No.

At this point, all the grades that would go on the report card had already been calculated, so there was no need to take any tests anymore. With school placements done, it was unlikely that anyone would show enthusiasm for extracurricular activities that wouldn’t impact their grades. The students who had arrived early were either preparing to sleep, resting their heads on their books, or were absorbed in their smartphones. It seemed that even the teacher, who usually monitored the students, was absent, perhaps wanting to grant us this unrequested freedom. After glancing around the sparsely seated students, Ji-hoon chose a seat in the back. Knowing that the person sitting next to him had reserved my spot, I moved to find my own seat. Just as the bell rang, one of the kids who had been assigned to play the movie took a seat in front of the computer and pressed the play button.

The TV screen turned black, and soon a strange foreign language flooded in. Subtitles appeared at the bottom. The frame filled with exotic scenery was all unfamiliar. I had to concentrate just to grasp the protagonist of the meaningless sequence.

I hadn’t realized that it was raining outside. With the curtains drawn to watch the movie, the room became dark, and the intermittent sound of rain added to a sleepy atmosphere. I thought about whether there was an umbrella in my bag. The voices of the chatty kids had quieted down, and the classroom was now silent. After the movie officially started, only the actors’ voices filled the air. My concentration broke when Ji-hoon suddenly spoke up.

“Hey.”

Ji-hoon was looking straight ahead. I doubted whether he was actually talking to me.

“I’m glad we’re going to the same school.”

His statement, lacking even a subject, felt abrupt. Although he had laughed and hugged my shoulder in front of the teacher’s office earlier, I couldn’t grasp the intention behind bringing up this topic again, which I thought had long past.

“Why all of a sudden?”

I asked curtly, but I was genuinely curious. Ji-hoon wasn’t the type to reiterate such things without reason, especially not suddenly while watching a movie. It felt as if he had been thinking about this since the movie started.

Instead of responding, Ji-hoon leaned over the desk. With one arm flopped over the table and his face resting on it, he finally turned his head to meet my gaze. His blue gym suit brushed against my cheek. If I only raised my eyes a little, I could see the name embroidered on his top: Ji Seon-uk.

Ah… right. I had lent him my gym suit. I had forgotten. Both Ji-hoon and Kang Youngsoo would borrow my gym suit whenever they were bored, and now it felt awkward if it was just in my locker.

I had almost averted my gaze casually but hesitated.

Even though it was only natural for Ji-hoon to have my name embroidered on the suit I lent him, at that moment, it felt strangely unfamiliar to see him burying his face in the fabric with my name. I recalled the boy in the blue cap I had seen at this time last year. The boy from the baseball team, whom I thought I would never talk to, had now borrowed my gym suit without hesitation to the point of burying his face in it, deeply infiltrating my life in a way I never expected, at a speed and depth no one could have foreseen.

“……”

“……”

Was Ji-hoon having the same thoughts? This was the first time we had stared at each other in silence for so long. Realizing that fact, as I started to turn away, I was halted by Ji-hoon’s lips twitching. It was the moment when the movie’s OST started to play loudly. Between the slow jazz melody flowing over the dancing lovers who pressed their foreheads together, Ji-hoon’s voice broke through.

“Just.”

“……”

“I don’t want to borrow my gym suit from anyone else.”

Ji-hoon was still half-buried in my gym suit. Every time he moved his lips to continue talking, I noticed his lips sticking to the tacky blue fabric before peeling away.

“If we went to different schools, I think it would have sucked a bit.”

It was the first time Ji-hoon had said something like that directly to me. In other words, it was as if he was declaring that I was somewhat special. In fact, boys rarely said things like this. If someone had seen that scene where they murmured such tingling things to someone, they might have been teased as being gay. Sometimes Kang Youngsoo would say these things too, but he was always laughing in those moments. Because he spoke in a playful tone, everyone else naturally understood it was just a joke.

But Ji-hoon didn’t offer even a hint of a smile while saying this, and that surprised me. It felt like I had been hit in the back of the head by an unexpected fastball. It was numbing, and my breath caught in my throat. This was an emotion I had never felt before. Even though I had been breathing the same air and living in the same space as others, I had never experienced this uncomfortable feeling. It wasn’t that I disliked the person who evoked that feeling; rather, it was a peculiar sensation where I couldn’t take my eyes off the one who caused it. Ji-hoon felt as if he had opened the door to a world I didn’t even know existed.

I found myself focusing intently on Ji-hoon’s face, which had birthed this unknown world. Just as I had focused on the movie earlier, now I concentrated on Ji-hoon as he spoke those words. The time spent meeting his gaze grew longer, as if time had stopped. In that moment, it felt like something would significantly change if either of us looked away. The silence stretched on indefinitely. While the movie moved toward its climax, words continued to flow between us without passing.

The first to break the silence was Ji-hoon.

“Ji Seon-uk.”

Maintaining his position leaning on the desk, Ji-hoon reached out his hand. The rigid hand moved closer and lightly brushed across my cheek. It was a fleeting moment. Shortly after, as if nothing had happened, Ji-hoon quietly asked. The kids watching the movie were oblivious and even I, who was sitting nearby, couldn’t hear unless I focused completely.

“Are you happy?”

The moment I heard that question, I had no choice but to freeze.

‘Are you happy?’

I had only ever asked that question to one person since I was born. It was to my mother. The moment I asked, she broke into sobs. As if she had never heard such a question in her life. Even after crying for a long time, she couldn’t regain her usual calmness. Trembling, she spoke as if she were conveying something crucial.

‘Seon-uk.’

It had been a long time since my mother had called me by my name that way. I heard her imperfect breaths. I realized the reason she was catching her breath was that what she was about to say would alter the course of her life.

‘You don’t have to be unhappy forever for committing the sin of loving a moment.’

Why did that particular moment bring those words to mind?

I couldn’t find an answer to that. But I knew. Just thinking of that phrase at this moment was wrong in some way. I couldn’t accept that intense premonition, nor could I reject it, so I just barely continued to breathe. I was surprised that while I was gasping, the world still moved on. The lights were flickering, staining the desk, the locker, and the curtains. Even at this moment, they seemed to be moving, as if unaware that something was changing beneath the surface surrounding me.

“…What about you?”

I would only realize much later that I had answered. It wasn’t really an answer but merely an evasion of answering. Ji-hoon, who seemed to understand this fact, just smiled.

“Well…”

Ji-hoon paused for a moment, then awkwardly scratched his eyebrow. After that, he seemed to avoid the question by scrunching his eyes tightly. I thought this would be the end of Ji-hoon’s possible responses. In fact, I hoped so, because only then did it seem everything would be okay.

But Ji-hoon opened his eyes again. His slightly drowsy gaze focused directly on me.

“It seems so.”

Ji-hoon slowly scanned my face. As if he had to confirm who I was before speaking. Finally, Ji-hoon smiled slowly but brightly. It was a smile filled with conviction.

“I think it will be more so in the future.”

The gaze that had pinned me down was gradually peeling away.

“Hey, I’m going to sleep. Wake me when the movie is over,” Ji-hoon mumbled, burying his head deep between his arms. He didn’t lift his head until the movie ended. Meanwhile, I just watched him. I couldn’t help but notice that he really fell asleep without ever opening his eyes.

That wasn’t merely a moment for me. It felt like an eternity. I could barely breathe but memorized the back of the boy from my class, who I would go home with right after this class ended. Watching his back rise and fall, I was thankful that he was a person who could breathe just like me.

After a long while, I asked the delayed question.

Mom. But I’m confused.

What if this is love? And what if it makes me unhappy for the rest of my life?

Can I still blame him? Because…

‘If you don’t know, ask the person you wish could stay by your side forever.’

‘…….’

‘Ask if they are happy.’

If that boy hadn’t taught me what happiness was, I might have spent my life without knowing that I was unhappy.