FBF chapter 5 part 7

“But right now, I’m not scared.”

“Why?”

“Because you look like him.”

I opened my eyes and turned my head. Kang Youngsoo, who was looking at me, was pointing at my face and chuckling as if he knew what I was going to say.

“I think when you get old, you’ll look just like your grandfather.”

It was a statement that could be taken as either a compliment or an insult. As I pondered my response, I decided to just accept it. I remembered that sometimes the neighborhood aunties would say similar things when I went to the community center to run errands for my grandfather. In fact, being told I looked like my grandfather felt more like a compliment than an insult.

“Well… genetically, that’s just how it is. Don’t you look like your grandfather too?”

Before I could even ask, Kang Youngsoo, who looked like he was about to start detailing how his grandfather looked, suddenly fell silent. He turned his body away from me, lying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. Unlike when he’d been sitting still to keep the pack on his face, there was something different in the quiet stillness of his expression. I just blinked at him.

“…”

“…”

As soon as we, the only two talking, fell silent, other sounds grew louder. The sound of the living room fan that my grandfather had just brought out from the storage was the most prominent. It was remarkable that it was working, despite the noise. Just as I turned my head to check the living room, Kang Youngsoo broke the silence again.

“Hmm, I don’t really know if I look like my grandfather since I’ve never met him.”

“…”

“After my dad died, my grandparents pretty much treated us like we didn’t exist. They say I saw them when I was very little, but I don’t really remember it.”

The guy, who would usually cry at the drop of a hat, wasn’t crying at all while sharing this story. His tone was the same as usual, except for the fact he omitted his distinctive ‘ng’ sound. Still, I just kept quiet and listened. It felt like that was what Kang Youngsoo wanted as he continued speaking while looking at the ceiling.

“When I think about that, I get a bit mad at my dad. But then I feel sorry. He didn’t know he was going to die like this.”

I remembered seeing the family photo on the living room table when I visited Kang Youngsoo’s house. Before I could even verify where my gaze had stopped, Kang Youngsoo spoke, “Ah, is this the first time you’re seeing my dad? Isn’t he handsome? But he’s not here now. He’s in heaven.” The way he spoke about his dad sounded as if he were talking about someone who went on a trip to a foreign place for a bit, despite the gravity of the situation. In the next moment, he threw his backpack onto the sofa and went into the kitchen. Leaning out of the living room, he asked, “Seon-uk, do you want ramen?” After I nodded in confusion, he knocked on his younger sibling’s door and asked, “Hey, do you want ramen? We don’t have Jin Ramen though. But Seon-uk is here.”

At that time, just like now, I didn’t have much to say. I hesitated for a moment but then reached out my hand toward Kang Youngsoo’s head. I picked up the pink package he had held out earlier. Kang Youngsoo watched me put the pack on my face in disbelief, and as soon as I lay back down, he clutched my waist with his legs.

“I really do know how to spot a good man. The moment I saw Seon-uk, I realized this man is my new boyfriend. It’s time for me to ditch the guy who’s hard to reach now that he’s playing baseball.”

“…How long do I have to keep this on?”

“As long as you love me.”

Really… I sighed before I caught the playful gaze of Kang Youngsoo as our eyes met. I shook my head disapprovingly but ended up smiling along with him. Even if I had never done this before and found it strange at first, the pack resting on my face felt surprisingly refreshing and nice. As I got accustomed to the sound of the rain and the warmth of Kang Youngsoo’s body next to me, my eyes slowly began to close. Kang Youngsoo seemed to be feeling the same way, as the pointless chatter that had been coming from him became less frequent. I could feel him relaxing his grip around my waist, so I pulled the blanket up a bit more over him. Kang Youngsoo’s eyes flickered as they glanced at me.

“But do you really dislike our piglet?”

It was an unexpectedly random comment in a drowsy voice. Kang Youngsoo, with the face that had just pulled off the pack, was looking at me intently, as if waiting for my answer. After a moment’s hesitation, I carefully asked.

“Do you really want me to date your sister?”

Kang Youngsoo let out a soft hum and twisted his body slightly.

“No, I’d prefer if you two got married.”

Hearing something like that from him, with a completely serious face and devoid of his usual playful demeanor, was rather strange. I recalled how I had encountered Kang Youngsoo’s younger sister at the concession stand a while back. The moment our eyes met, she had awkwardly shoved a bag of snacks towards me, and the memory of her blushing ears and trembling hands came back to me now.

Kang Youngsoo must have known about this long ago, and that’s why he kept trying to connect me with his sister.

Kang Youngsoo glanced at my serious face and burst into laughter. Then, noticing his grandfather’s room across the way, he quickly suppressed his laughter. He whispered into my ear.

“If you’re not going to marry her, just refuse. Got it?”

His close proximity made my ears itch. No matter how much I shrugged my shoulders, Kang Youngsoo continued.

“And until the piglet recovers from his heartbreak, I won’t talk to you either. You need to understand that. But as your older brother, I have to maintain my loyalty.”

It was a sentence whose sincerity was hard to read. As Kang Youngsoo’s gaze met mine, he took my hand and forcibly joined it with his. Lifting our pinkies, he raised them high and declared with conviction.

“Promise.”

I left Kang Youngsoo alone. I knew if that time ever came, I would have to follow his words. Kang Youngsoo quickly changed the subject.

“And Seon-uk.”

As if indicating that the serious talk was over, he returned to the teasing nickname he often used while yawning.

“Want me to tell you a secret?”

“……”

“When I was wishing at the light festival, I wished for Seon-uk not to transfer.”

I halted all actions, looking down at Kang Youngsoo. He still had his eyes closed. His voice was languid as if he were about to fall asleep yet he continued to speak with persistence, as if he had to get this off his chest.

“But this isn’t a secret.”

Kang Youngsoo giggled.

“Later, I found out that Lee Jihoon wished for the same thing. Isn’t that funny?”

As the laughter gradually faded, deep breaths replaced it. It was only when I was certain that Kang Youngsoo had fallen asleep that I slipped a pillow under his head.

It was strangely invigorating. As I contemplated the reason for that, I raised my body. The rain was still pouring outside. Alternating my gaze between Kang Youngsoo, now asleep in my room, and my grandfather, asleep in his room, I picked up the black umbrella leaning against the eaves and quietly opened the front door. I walked down the empty alley and stopped in front of the stone wall where I had spoken with Lee Jihoon two weeks ago. I took my phone out of my pocket and stared at the date on the screen: July 2nd. It was supposed to be the day my mother was coming to pick me up.

I found the number I hadn’t contacted since coming here and dialed. The call connected immediately. Deet, deet. As I heard the ringing tone, I leaned against the wall.

Three rings later, I heard a click. My mother didn’t say anything. It was quiet, as if she were alone, and there were no sounds in the background. I hesitantly called her name.

“…Mom.”

I had expected that she would be alone today even before dialing the number. My mom usually came back home a bit earlier on Saturdays and sat alone in the dark kitchen, drinking whiskey. I was just a middle school student, but I sometimes got home later than working adults. This was because I lived in a place where studying felt like a job. The moment I entered the house and saw my mother’s lonely back, it was sometimes difficult to look away. During those times, I would awkwardly drop by the kitchen. I would rummage through the fridge pretending to look for snacks that the helper had prepared or pour some milk, all while keeping my distance. Yet I had never once sat down next to my mother. She had never once suggested that I do so.

Today as well, she would be seated in front of that table, shaking the glass filled with whiskey, and thinking about things that could never change.

My grandfather told me there was no need to persuade my mother. He had firmly said he would talk to her himself, not to worry about it. He wanted to protect me in a way different from how my parents did.

I didn’t know how my grandfather told my mother that I was staying here. I didn’t know what words he used to persuade her or whether she was truly convinced, but one thing I did know: she had accepted my choice in some way. That was why she hadn’t appeared today, on what was supposed to be the day she came.

I felt a duty to express to my mother, in some form or another, how I felt about that fact. And also, guilt for having completely excluded her from my one chance to make a wish each year.

“I’m sorry.”

Even though her breathing was audible, my mother did not respond. I held onto my phone and waited a bit longer. I assessed if the raindrops I heard were because it was also raining in Seoul or if it was because I was standing in the rain.

Finally, after a long while, my mother spoke.

-I know I’m not the best parent.

“……”

-But I did my best. I wanted to give you only good things.

I easily nodded my head.

“I know.”

As if surprised by my response, my mother paused for a breath. After a while, her breathing settled down evenly. Her voice was calmer than before when she asked.

-Do you know that every action carries a consequence?

“……”

-Do you know that everything you’ve built could crumble with the choice you made just now?

“……”

-You won’t be able to go back to your original position, even if you end up regretting it later.

That sounded exactly like something she would say to herself. Alone at a table that should be surrounded by family, not being able to relax even in her own home, wearing an uncomfortable suit, she would think these things while resenting her husband who wasn’t even reachable on weekends.

Knowing the loneliness that reality brought with it, I felt guilty leaving her alone. But my mother was right. Every action carries a consequence. I was well aware of the responsibility I would have to bear.

“Mom.”

But for me…

“If I go to Seoul… I would regret it.”

-……

“This place would linger in my thoughts.”

My grandfather, Lee Jihoon, Kang Youngsoo…

I had never shared such thoughts with my mother before. It was also the way our conversations usually went. We never talked about anything truly important. My mother was silent, as if startled by that truth. I offered my apologies again into her silence.

“I’m sorry.”

Under the sound of the rain, we stood there, each in our own way, before finally parting.

* * *

It was the day when high school assignment results were announced. The atmosphere in the classroom was chaotic all day. Even the teachers seemed to understand that atmosphere. I heard that they decided the school assignments through a lottery draw. Everything was left to chance, and there was a chance of being assigned to a school one never expected.

The only exception to that was Cheongpo High School. Only a select few students who excelled at their middle school could apply to this school that wasn’t the one I attended. Since our middle school was part of the same foundation, our situation was somewhat better. The homeroom teacher called all the kids who ranked in the top ten of the class after the midterm exams of the second semester and told them to submit their applications. It seemed like those months of diligent studying paid off, as Lee Jihoon barely made it into the list of applicants.

Today, when results for high school assignments were coming out, it was also the final announcement day for students going to Cheongpo High School. Lee Jihoon, who was sitting in front of me, was trembling his legs anxiously from the morning.

In an effort to calm the students’ nerves, probably, the teachers began calling the students one by one. Similar to the times when they were giving career counseling, the teachers were handing out white sheets of paper with the name of the high school they would be attending, engaging in small talk. To help ease some of the tension, they started calling the students in reverse order, creating a mix of those who already knew their results and those who still had no idea sitting in the classroom.

“Seon-uk, just keep doing what you’ve been doing. I wonder if you’ve lowered your sights too much in aiming for the foreign language high school.”

My homeroom teacher, still sounding more regretful than I was about my decision to give up on the foreign language high school, mentioned it to the very end. However, knowing that he actually cared for me didn’t make me feel bad.

I lowered my gaze from the letters on the paper I received and bowed my head. As soon as the teacher opened the office door, I encountered Lee Jihoon, who was about to go in.

“Go ahead.”

In usual fashion, he would have played a prank, but today he was just nodding his head. He had an expression filled with tension. As I thought back to how he’d stayed up all night studying for the midterms and finals of the second semester, knowing that the 3rd-year grades would weigh heavily on his overall score, I found it hard to take my feet away from the spot. I turned my body and stood again in front of the office. I felt that it would be better to accompany Lee Jihoon when he came out.

Lee Jihoon came out about five minutes later. His expression, as he stuffed the white paper into his uniform pants pocket, was blank. It looked completely different from the tense face he had just moments before.

Was he rejected? I easily recalled my homeroom teacher’s worried expression from when he had to decide if Lee Jihoon should apply to Cheongpo High School. Despite Lee Jihoon’s high scores in 3rd year, my teacher had repeatedly mentioned that due to his low performance in the 1st and 2nd years when he had focused solely on sports, his overall score might barely meet the cutoff.

It would have been nice if we went to the same school, but either way, it couldn’t be helped. I put on a brave face to comfort him, hiding away my own disappointment. I lightly tapped Lee Jihoon’s back as if it were no big deal.

“Hey. It’s not about which high school you go to; it’s about what you do once you get there. Your grades have improved a lot, so just keep doing what you’re doing.”

Lee Jihoon would probably tease me, calling me a teacher or a police officer, but I still had to say it. It would be better than seeing his glum face.

Lee Jihoon glanced down at my hand that had tapped him lightly on the shoulder before he slowly raised his head.

“Really? Going to the same school isn’t important at all?”

That was a vague statement. As Lee Jihoon saw my expression, he slid the paper toward me.

“…Oh!”

The moment I confirmed the name of the high school written on the white paper, I gasped. At the same time, Lee Jihoon pulled me in for a side hug. It struck me then how his previously stiff face had now melted into sheer joy.

“Seon-uk, are you happy that I’m going to the same school as you? Huh?”

Hearing the overly excited tone made me laugh. Just a moment ago, he had been anxious.

“Before you go to high school, get into the habit of only doing one part. Okay?”

Before I could fully digest what he just said, he tossed the paper at my chest, and Lee Jihoon hurriedly picked it up.

“Hey, this is from this moment onwards! Don’t just throw it around!”

He held on to the paper, pretending to protect it as he turned towards the back door. The class was noisy. Remembering that we had just heard the assignment results in the English class taught by our homeroom teacher and that we had to attend the next class to leave, I paused for a moment.

After double-checking the timetable, I called out to Lee Jihoon.

“Hey, the next class is a special activity.”

I was about to turn around to look at Lee Jihoon, who hadn’t answered, but I froze upon seeing Kang Youngsoo burst in through the front door.

“Hey, where are you guys?”

Gasping for breath, Kang Youngsoo charged at me before I could respond and lunged for the paper I was holding. As he opened his mouth, he blinked for a moment before he shifted direction and rushed toward Lee Jihoon. Since Lee Jihoon was clutching the paper to his chest, it was hard to confirm what was written on it. After three seconds, Kang Youngsoo finally let out an amazed exclamation.

“Shit….”

He must have realized it once he saw that both Lee Jihoon and I had applied to Cheongpo High School. Lee Jihoon, who had leaned against a locker, suddenly started singing.

“It’s time for us to part~”

“You jerk! It’s not like it doesn’t concern you!”

Kang Youngsoo flailed his fists around, but it was no use in stopping Lee Jihoon from provoking him further. His singing only grew louder.

“Oh, Lee Jihoon. Are you crazy? Seriously.”

Among the group of girls standing behind the lockers, a girl named Ahn Hee-yeon, who was particularly close to Lee Jihoon, burst out laughing. The other girls, including those further away, looked over curiously to see what was happening, and upon realizing it was Lee Jihoon, they turned away, giggling. It was as if to say, ‘Whatever happened, it’s just Lee Jihoon.’

At first, the other students had been so tense around Lee Jihoon when he first joined the class, but as time passed, they began to open up to him more. After he brought home first place in various competitions during the athletic festival, including cheering and relay races, they changed their attitude completely. This was due to how Lee Jihoon chatted and joked fairly with everyone, regardless of gender. Even those who had distanced themselves from him, saying they were dropping out, seemed to have started playing soccer with him occasionally. It was a strange thing, but thinking of Lee Jihoon as the cause made it not so surprising. That was a skill of Lee Jihoon that no one else could replicate.

“With the next time~ we’ll meet again~ Oh, wait. Let’s not meet~”

As Kang Youngsoo flailed around, Lee Jihoon’s singing only got louder. Checking the time, I realized it was time to intervene and took a step forward. Lee Jihoon, while being held by Kang Youngsoo, saw the letters inside the paper fluttering in the air, and only then understood the source of the commotion—understanding why Kang Youngsoo had such a complex expression earlier.

“Are you in an arts department?”

In response to my nonchalant question, Kang Youngsoo shifted his focus onto me.

“Exactly. What am I supposed to do? Who do I walk to school with now?”

“……”

“It’s so far away, too!”

Kang Youngsoo was right. While other high schools were clustered close enough that they could be in the same district, Kang Youngsoo’s school was located way out in the mountains. Even if we took the bus in the same direction, considering the time it would take, it would be hard to go to school together with him.

As I stood silently staring at the paper in my hand, the singing abruptly ceased. Lee Jihoon, who had passed by me, began to gather everything from the desk that had been resting inside his bag. As if signaling that it was time to go, he spoke to me.

“Hey, the bell’s about to ring.”

Kang Youngsoo shot a glare at Lee Jihoon.

“Right now, I’m left to entertain myself; do you think a special activity matters?”

“Yes. It matters. Very much so.”

“…My life has been a waste. A complete waste.”

Kang Youngsoo turned away dejectedly. While I glanced at him as he exited through the front door, I picked up my bag. Since today was a day without a closing ceremony, it was fine for us to head straight home after the special activity class. It was beneficial to pack my stuff early since the activity class was being conducted upstairs in the video viewing room.

Lee Jihoon was also packing his things like I was. Both Lee Jihoon and I belonged to the film appreciation club.

“Ah.”

Lee Jihoon, who was leading the way out through the back door, suddenly stopped short. He had run into a classmate who was just entering through the back door. I stood still, keeping my gaze on Lee Jihoon as I watched them meet. The moment I recognized the face of the person standing in front of Lee Jihoon, I found myself alternating glances between them without realizing it.

Yoo Hye-eun, who was face-to-face with Lee Jihoon, quickly dropped her head. She stepped aside as if trying to pass by without acknowledging him. Of course, it didn’t work since Lee Jihoon called out to her.

“Yoo Hye-eun.”

Lee Jihoon straightened his posture, which had been bent down. He picked up the pencil case that Yoo Hye-eun had just dropped and reached out to give it to her as if to say, “This is yours.”

“You dropped this.”

Yoo Hye-eun looked a bit flustered for a moment. I understood the reason why. The pencil case that Yoo Hye-eun had just dropped had been a birthday present that Lee Jihoon bought for her. I knew this because I had seen him buying that very pencil case at the stationery store one day, and the next day, I saw Yoo Hye-eun carrying it around. This time when they spent three months as a couple. I recalled that one day Lee Jihoon jokingly asked Yoo Hye-eun.

“How can we keep being a couple only us two? Be honest, did you wish on the full moon?”