FBF chapter 4 part 7

“I can’t be friends with you anymore.”

Seeing Lee Jihoon’s eyes waver, I lowered my head. A breath-like whisper escaped from my lips, which had lost their strength. The fact that the weight of time accumulated between us required me to throw that option away felt almost absurd at this moment.

It’s my fault. I should have acted like a friend, but I ended up falling in love and dragging it out for far too long.

“I know that even if I say this, in reality, it’s difficult. There’s Youngsoo, and your father is involved. If cutting ties immediately is too hard, let’s slowly drift apart. Let’s stop visiting each other’s homes, and reduce our contact. Gradually… we will get used to it.”

“……”

“It’s something we can manage at our age, right?”

‘What’s next? Moving away? Changing my phone number and disappearing?’

I mulled over Lee Jihoon’s question. I realized that he asked it because he genuinely thought it might happen. We had reached an age where we could decide such matters independently. The examples he provided were things I had already considered. My lease was set to expire next February, and I was planning to rent the place out soon. I was even looking into transferring to a police station in a different area. I was bringing up my grandfather’s phrase about wanting to “go home” as an excuse.

So, I was running away. Not solely because of Lee Jihoon, but I couldn’t deny that he was the biggest reason I felt the need to flee.

Did Lee Jihoon know that I had been running away from this feeling my whole life? How exhausting it is to have to escape again at the moment the feeling is revealed.

“…I’m sorry. For asking you for this.”

Yet, instead of gathering myself, I apologized to him first. Even if it wasn’t love, Lee Jihoon had given me that much friendship. It could be suffocating at times, but more frequently, it allowed me to breathe. It served as a sweet excuse to be a little closer.

Lee Jihoon remained silent. Just a moment ago, he had been fidgeting, but now he simply looked at me without making any effort to speak.

“I’m going out now, so sleep more. I won’t be home tomorrow either, so rest as long as you want.”

I turned my body. Even then, and even now, I was thankful that I didn’t shed tears in front of Lee Jihoon.

“You’re my emergency contact.”

The grip on my wrist wasn’t tight, yet I couldn’t shake it off. For the first time since entering this room, Lee Jihoon had physically stopped me. It was a touch that conveyed he didn’t want me to leave rather than strength.

“It’s been like this since we started working together.”

“……”

“If anything happens to me, if my plane crashes in a place that you’ve never even heard of, it won’t be my father that gets the news first. Nor my dead mother.”

“……”

“It means that you will be the first to be contacted.”

Like a broken doll, I froze and slowly turned my head. The moment our eyes met, Lee Jihoon tightened his grip on my wrist and drew me closer. The distance we had created was erased, and as I locked eyes with him, tension filled my jaw.

“But Seon-uk.”

Lee Jihoon’s eyes no longer wavered. The look in his gaze as he looked down at me was clear, as if he had somewhere to go.

“I have no intention of changing that.”

So…

“You can’t talk like that.”

“……”

“What I meant when I suggested we talk was to leave out the conclusion that we won’t see each other again. I’m not asking you to brief me again about your conclusions after thinking by yourself.”

“…Hey. Lee Jihoon.”

I called his name with effort, but he didn’t respond. He totally ignored me, acting as if he hadn’t heard a thing. He released my wrist and bent down. He picked up the paper bag that had been tossed onto the floor, and I couldn’t comprehend his actions as he started putting his shirt into it one by one. I stood there, bewildered, unsure where to begin asking questions.

“Here.”

Lee Jihoon handed me the now heavy paper bag. He grabbed my hand, which was reluctant to take it, and forced the strap into my grip.

“You said you had to go back to the police station. Hurry up. I’ve seen you now, so I’m leaving.”

I couldn’t respond. His innermost thoughts were entirely beyond my understanding. In truth, I didn’t even grasp what he had just said. In that moment, Lee Jihoon passed by me. It was only when the lingering scent of alcohol we had been inhaling throughout our conversation brushed against my nose that I regained my senses.

“Hey.”

In the end, I had no choice but to hold onto Lee Jihoon first. As if he had expected me to do so, he willingly let me grab him. I questioned him impatiently as soon as our eyes met.

“What… do you mean? No intention of changing?”

“……”

“Didn’t you hear what I just said? I clearly just….”

Even as he watched me flounder, Lee Jihoon showed no sign of reaction. Only when my words finished did he briefly smirk, raising just one corner of his mouth.

“I heard you. Very well. But does that mean I have to follow you?”

“……”

“And I’ve made up my mind too. I’m not going to listen to you anymore. It feels like every time I listen, it only leads to a crappy conclusion. Oh, while I’m at it, let me ask you for one thing.”

The hand I had on Lee Jihoon was gently pushed away. He averted his gaze, and he was no longer smiling.

As Lee Jihoon’s footsteps faded and I finally heard the door close, I stood frozen in place, unable to do anything. In my ears, Lee Jihoon’s earlier declaration echoed repeatedly like a proclamation.

‘Your conclusion and my conclusion are different.’

‘…….’

‘By the time we meet next, you better understand that fact.’

* * *

I met Lee Jihoon again a week later.

“You’re late?”

The one sitting in the living room asking was reminiscent of some past day. In truth, it was not just any day. The way he comfortably turned his head as if it were his own house was familiar, a scene I had witnessed innumerable times to the point where it couldn’t be specified.

“…What are you doing here?”

However, it was a sight I shouldn’t be seeing anymore. Lee Jihoon, who had welcomed me in the middle of my living room, was entirely nonsensical, as I believed I had erased all traces related to him.

“Does this all seem like a joke to you?”

That was why I had no choice but to ask. From the moment I checked Lee Jihoon’s shoes at the entrance, I struggled to maintain my expression.

‘By the time we meet next, you better understand that fact.’

I had thought about that all week, yet I still didn’t comprehend those words. Nevertheless, Lee Jihoon appeared. The mere fact of that felt like evidence that his conclusion and mine were different. He looked at my expression, marred by unexpected emotions, and chose not to respond. Instead, he tilted his head slightly and changed the subject.

“I had a nightmare.”

Lee Jihoon suddenly introduced his irrelevant topic and flipped through the pages of the magazine that had been resting on his lap. The sound of paper flipping carelessly went ‘flutter.’ I tore my gaze away from the cover of the magazine, which prominently featured an airplane, and focused on the unfamiliar slippers Lee Jihoon wore. They were neither something I bought nor something that had been here.

Without waiting for my response, Lee Jihoon continued, “It was related to you.”

“……”

“Remember that time when you completely ignored me, like now?”

Lee Jihoon’s story wasn’t unfamiliar at all. I vividly remembered it myself.

However, it was the first time he brought up that incident. Whenever Youngsoo reminisced about that fight in a teasing manner, both of us had remained silent. It felt awkward because we had fought as if we wouldn’t see each other again. I felt it even more acutely. That day remained a shameful stain that had not faded for nearly a decade.

Lee Jihoon appeared similarly uncomfortable. That was why I couldn’t comprehend why he had now chosen to mention a story we had both avoided bringing up.

“But in the dream, unlike that time, we couldn’t make up.”

As if it were someone else’s story but his own, Lee Jihoon tossed the magazine onto the table in front of him. Only then did his gaze return to me. I was still standing awkwardly at the entrance of the living room, utterly clueless about how to handle the unexpectedly evolving situation.

The only difference from that dawn was that Lee Jihoon no longer acted indifferent.

“You don’t love me.”

That was Lee Jihoon’s conclusion. It was stated not as a question but as a declarative statement filled with certainty. There was no room to argue against such a concrete statement. I knew all too well that it was proof Lee Jihoon genuinely believed it. He could say that because he firmly believed he was not mistaken, a knowledge I had accepted through love for him.

“You’ve never even dated me, so how can you be sure that what you’re seeing is love?”

“……”

“Have you ever kissed me? Or even had sex with me? You haven’t even properly held my hand.”

Technically, it was true. In order to hold your hand, kiss you, and have sex with you, I would have had to stop being friends. But Lee Jihoon was claiming that the reason those actions were impossible was that it wasn’t love.

“I don’t believe in love at first sight. I think love or whatever starts only after one recognizes the other as a romantic partner, and I still maintain that belief.”

Lee Jihoon stopped speaking and gazed directly into my eyes.

“Did you and I ever have that?”

It was not something I could confidently say no to. The way I loved Lee Jihoon wasn’t like that. I hadn’t even known it was love until I had spent a few more years beside him. I had even desired him, even though he had never seen me as a romantic partner.

At a loss for words, I noticed that Lee Jihoon was waiting for an answer. I avoided his gaze and turned to the magazine, finally managing to stammer out some words.

“…If you want to think that way, go ahead.”

“……”

“I never asked you to understand. If I wanted that, I wouldn’t have said we shouldn’t see each other again.”

This was my best argument. Acknowledging that it wasn’t love as he said meant I would have to stay by his side, and I had never even considered persuading him that it was love. In any scenario of confessing to Lee Jihoon, I hadn’t imagined myself attempting such a thing. I had assumed that merely stating that I loved him would bring everything to an end.

Lee Jihoon fell silent for a moment. For the first time, I sensed hesitance from him. However, the moment our eyes met, he couldn’t hold back.

“Why now?”

That question sounded purely innocent. I felt that he was genuinely curious, and it saddened me that I was someone who could read the underlying meaning of that unkind question. The fact that I had to answer felt miserable, but I spoke anyway. It was the only part of the ongoing conversation I felt confident about.

“I don’t have the courage to discuss dating with you.”

“……”

“I don’t even have the courage to watch you get married, to meet the person who will become part of your family with this… feeling.”

That was my conclusion.

Facing each other silently, we held onto two conclusions that would never meet, like parallel lines. The silence was broken by Lee Jihoon’s sharp inquiry.

“I’ll let dating slide since I brought it up first. But what do you mean by marriage?”

His serious expression made me lose my words. Upon reflection, it was not Lee Jihoon who had raised the topic of marriage; it was Youngsoo who had casually suggested it, which then led me to think that way.

“…Youngsoo.”

“What about Kang Youngsoo?”

“I heard you asked when the new home appliances would be released, and he mentioned something about marriage, which prompted my thoughts.”

Lee Jihoon gave a blatant laugh, an expression of disbelief.

“Youngeun’s wedding is three months away. I wanted to do something for her. I thought I’d also ask about what Youngsoo would do.”

“……”

“How do you jump straight to marriage because of one comment? You really are grasping at straws. While also hearing about ‘home appliances for newlyweds,’ you don’t even think about your sibling marrying soon, or you’re the one who takes that nonsense seriously.”

The way he flicked his hair back as he shot back looked like he was genuinely irritated. As we grew up, we became adept at hiding our emotions. Especially in our professional lives. We understood well that losing our cool or expressing honest feelings could be seen as a weakness. Seeing Lee Jihoon display a side that was seldom visible made me realize that my insignificant confession had left some scars on him.

However, acknowledging that didn’t change my conclusion. Seeing the heaviness in my expression, Lee Jihoon hesitated. I seized the opportunity and spoke heavily.

“Even before I told you that, I had already called Youngsoo again. I knew you had broken up with your girlfriend, and it seemed like you weren’t planning to get married.”

“……”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s now or later. These things can happen at any time.”

Perhaps Lee Jihoon was right. I had never truly loved him, yet I had worn myself out with unrequited feelings for far too long. I sometimes got lost even in the nature of love, as it felt faded. I stared at the indistinguishable haze and continued.

“I understand your conclusion. I get it… But stop it now.”

My words felt like a mix of a plea and a request.

“I’m asking this because it’s not easy for me either, so let’s end it here.”

“……”

“I want to end this before it becomes any messier.”

Hearing my own voice, filled with emptiness, made me acutely aware of the weight of the time we had spent together. If I were Lee Jihoon, I would feel the same emptiness. He would think it made no sense. The child who had meddled with him to snap out of his lost phase back in middle school was now in a situation where we could still visit each other’s homes without hesitation. Through all the experiences we shared in our twenties, we had made it to the precipice of thirty together.

If I said that I had continued to love myself through all of this, it would be hard for him to believe.

Lee Jihoon remained silent, and his fingers tapped rhythmically on the glass surface of the table. But the fact that he didn’t promptly argue made me feel that my words might be the best course.

“…Okay. Let’s end it.”

The moment Lee Jihoon stood up, shaking off the weight of his thoughts, and finally uttered those words, the tension in my shoulders diminished. Finally, it was over. Emotions cascaded over me like waves, and I averted my gaze. Yes, it should have progressed like this much earlier. Despite the ups and downs, I was grateful that we could end it this way.

“Okay. Travel carefully. Don’t act awkward at Youngeun’s wedding…”

“What’s there to be awkward about? We’re going to the wedding together.”

“…What?”

Lee Jihoon stood up from his seat. He didn’t stop before me as he continued walking, as if he was heading somewhere. I shifted my gaze to his back as he strode away. Lee Jihoon had unwittingly arrived at the door to one of the two rooms in the house. It was a room that had nothing in it except for a large closet, a space occasionally used for Lee Jihoon or Youngsoo to rest.

Turning back to look at me, Lee Jihoon grasped the doorknob with his other hand, as though drawing me in to see what was inside. The scenery inside had changed significantly since I last saw it as the owner of the place. There was now a bed in here at least. Two large suitcases, and several boxes of unknown purpose were present. It looked like an unorganized room as if someone had just moved in.

As I quickly scanned the inside of the room, my eyes returned to Lee Jihoon, who spoke as if he had been waiting.

“I’m going to live here.”

“…What?”

“The upstairs madman who remodeled the bathtub caused a leak, so I need to have construction done. Since I needed to do it anyway, I pushed it forward. I’ll also be doing some simple interior renovations. The construction started last week and should take about two months. I sent you the rent earlier; didn’t you receive it?”

It was something I had never heard before, but Lee Jihoon spoke as if it were perfectly normal.

“Oh, and I took a vacation.”

Among the overwhelming flood of information, there were many things I didn’t know. But in reality, I didn’t need to know. Just as I had thought moments ago, if we were genuinely ending things.

“I have quite a bit of leave saved up from flying all the time. I thought I wouldn’t need it immediately, but since it seemed like now was the right time, I submitted the leave request right away.”

“……”

“I won’t have to fly for at least a month. Even if I go to the company, I doubt it involves flying any time soon.”

“…Why?”

That was all I could muster to say.

“Why are you doing this, Lee Jihoon?”

Finally stopping his nonstop chatter, Lee Jihoon fell silent. I stared at him in a daze as his words spun around in my head. Lee Jihoon halted before our feet could touch, looking at me without a smile.

“Because otherwise, that nightmare will become a prophetic dream.”

Only then did I recall what Lee Jihoon had said when he first saw me. What had been a reality-checking event for me, he referred to as a nightmare. Perhaps it was something we should have addressed. Instead of burying all issues out of a desire to restore our relationship, we were now having this absurd conversation with thirty approaching.

“It’ll be two months.”

“……”

“In that time, I’ll prove to you that what you did wasn’t love.”

“……”

“If you don’t like that, you prove that it was love.”

“……”

“Then you’ll know who is right.”

It sounded insane. And it was a foolish act.

“…Are you out of your mind?”

Even if my confession was sudden and incomprehensible, this was too much. It wasn’t just crossing the line of friendship; it shattered even the boundaries of common sense. Living together? Taking vacation? All just to keep me as a friend? This was so unrealistic that it felt like a dream.

Yet, looking deeply into my eyes, Lee Jihoon remained clad in an unusual determination.

“You won’t be losing anything.”

Lee Jihoon frowned slightly, as if he found my confusion incomprehensible, then broke into a laugh that suggested disbelief. He grabbed me by the shoulders, leaning in closely.

“Hey. If things go wrong, I could lose you.”

“……”

“Your intention was always to abandon me, wasn’t it? In any case, you would be losing nothing, so why that expression?”

I felt the edges of my eyes tremble in disbelief. I bit my lip to regain composure, shaking my head.

“Lee Jihoon. This isn’t right.”

Yet instead of clearing my throat, I could only manage another shake of my head. Seizing the moment when Lee Jihoon hesitated, I pulled away from his grasp. Stepping back, I quickly continued.

“Everything you’re saying is sheer stubbornness. No matter how bewildering or incomprehensible this situation is, do you even realize how insane this is? Have you not thought, while doing all this, that it simply doesn’t make sense?”

Words spilled out like vomit. My insides churned, and my head felt dizzy.

“Get a grip. Don’t do something you’ve never done before, don’t say ridiculous things, just go back. Whether it’s going to Youngsoo’s place or a hotel, go back and live your life. Don’t act like it’s all perfectly fine.”

“…Seon-uk.”

Lee Jihoon interrupted my tirade and called my name. I fixed my gaze on him, which had been wandering in the air. My jaw quivered as I bit down hard on it. In stark contrast, Lee Jihoon’s calm expression remained steady.

“How can my life be fine without you?”

I lost my breath. It wasn’t an answer to the questions I had thrown his way, yet it effectively silenced my mouth. As if he had expected my response, he continued speaking.