FBF chapter 4 part 6

I came out of the station hurriedly. It was the head of the station who started by telling me to hurry home, asking what I was doing looking like that, and a few others added their comments. I hadn’t gone home for a few days, but I had been shaving and changing my clothes every day. Yet somehow, it seemed that my distracted state was quite obvious.

I was about to say I was fine when, completely unwittingly, my nose started to bleed. The head of the station, with a bored expression on his face, threw me a tissue and gestured to the door. It was clear that he was telling me to leave quickly; he had already been overwhelmed with work. I remembered how he had asked me in private recently if the preparation for the promotion exam was that hard, and realizing that there was no point in defending myself, I lowered my head and left. I got into the car with a paper bag that I had roughly stuffed with a shirt from the locker in the duty room.

As I stared blankly at the clock signaling 2 AM, I rested my head on the steering wheel.

“…Ha.”

The nosebleed had stopped, but a headache was throbbing in my head. The look in Lee Jihoon’s eyes that kept popping into my mind during work lasted even until now, hours later, threatening to consume me if I dared to relax even for a moment. It was the first time I turned my back on a hurting Lee Jihoon. Maybe he had the same thought. Seeing me turn my back while he was in pain might have made him realize that I was really trying to leave.

But now, that would become our daily routine. Even if it felt awkward for now, it was something we had to accept somehow. There were many things to do in order to come to terms with it. I had no time to spare because I didn’t want to go into a house that was stripped of all traces of Lee Jihoon. I shook my head and rose from my seat. I had to go home.

As soon as I got off the elevator, I received a call from Kang Youngsoo. Remembering that the last time I had seen him had been in the ER, where I left Lee Jihoon behind, my heart sank momentarily. However, it was now 2 AM, which meant that Kang Youngsoo had already brought Lee Jihoon home. Shaking off my thoughts with a blink, I answered the phone.

“Yeah. What’s up?”

– Seon-wook, what are you doing? Are you working?

As expected, Kang Youngsoo’s voice was unchanged. It was the same casual tone he used when he sometimes called for a pointless chat out of boredom, which eased the tension in my shoulders. I switched the phone to my left hand, which was holding the paper bag, and unlocked the door.

“No. I’m off work.”

The apartment corridor was quiet at this late hour. Since it wasn’t soundproofed, I had to be careful not to make any noise in case I dialed the wrong number.

3-1-8…

– What? How come you got off work at this hour?

“… Just. Says to come home.”

– That’s great. It’s a rare opportunity, so hurry up and rest at home.

“Ah. Are you at home?”

– In front of your house. I was just about to go in when I thought of you and called.

“…You’re just about to go in? Why?”

3-1…

As I got distracted for just a moment to reply, all the numbers on the door pad lit up. It was a sign that my time had expired, so I had to input them again.

– Well… I had a bit to drink…

It was an unexpected response. My hand stiffened as if I had lost focus for a moment. This time, I couldn’t even get up to 8. The pad blinked again, indicating another failure after receiving only the first two numbers of the eight I had to input. If I messed up one more time, it would create noise that even the neighbors could hear. I lowered my hand entirely. I hesitated but had no choice but to ask.

“…You mean you drank after dropping off Lee Jihoon?”

Under normal circumstances, Kang Youngsoo would have rambled on for ages before I even got to ask him. But this time, he suddenly went silent. Since the call hadn’t been dropped, it must have been intentional. I pressed my index finger against my forehead. Now that I thought about it, it was unsettling that someone who drank about three days a week was now hesitating as if he had done something wrong.

“Hey, Kang Youngsoo.”

– ……

“Aren’t you going to answer?”

– … If you promise not to scold me, I’ll answer.

Hearing his hesitant response felt like I had already gotten my answer. I gave up on entering any more numbers and shut my eyes tightly. Those crazy bastards really…

– No, it’s that bastard Lee Jihoon who keeps insisting on drinking! I was seriously planning to tell him to go home and rest, you know? I had the address punched into the GPS leading to his house! But he kept saying he was fine, complaining that he was fine in the ER like it was nothing. You know how persuasive he gets when he argues, right? Even after I dropped him off, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to get a doctor’s note from the ER by himself. How am I supposed to win against a guy like that?

“…So.”

– Huh?

“Are you serious? He drank? After the accident?”

– … Uh, it’s true, but…

A guy who insists on drinking right after an accident and another guy who’s dragged into this mess; both were equally ridiculous. As I was about to say something, I realized there was no point and kept silent. There was no justification to be angry, especially since I had already fled from that ridiculous situation. Still, seeing Kang Youngsoo’s tone of voice seemed sober, indicating he was mentally aware enough to make the call. He probably had someone drive Lee Jihoon home. That was all I needed to know.

I made an effort to calm myself and opened the door lock cap. The call would likely end soon, so I really had to enter my house now.

“Forget it. Whether he drank or not, you got him home, so it’s fine. Plus, the hospital said everything was okay, so it should be fine.”

– Uh… but…

Kang Youngsoo’s vague trailing off led to a pause before I input the final number. I glared at the number pad and clenched my teeth.

“…What? Do you have more to say?”

– … Well, I did drop off Lee Jihoon at his place…

“…….”

– I dropped him off at your house, Seon-wook. Haha.

Beeep-beeep-beep.

“…What?”

As the door lock emitted a warning beep for entering the wrong code three times, Kang Youngsoo quickly continued.

– Surprising twist, right? You must have been shocked. You know, I get it. I understand how you feel. But just listen for a second? That bastard Lee Jihoon insisted on drinking today for some reason, right? I thought he was just going to keep the face, but there were already five bottles of soju on the table. I realized this was getting out of hand, so I snuck out to pay the bill?

“…….”

– When I got to the table, Lee Jihoon was sprawled out on it. I’ve never seen this bastard drink like this since he turned twenty… Ah, anyway, I had to take him home, so I picked him up while he was unconscious. As I was carrying him out, I noticed, hey, your apartment was right there in front of me! It was even within walking distance, you know?

Kang Youngsoo must have felt embarrassed for just dropping someone who didn’t belong to anyone in someone’s home, as he rambled on with information that I hadn’t even asked for. He mentioned how the pub Lee Jihoon insisted on going to happened to be near my house, how the food there was actually delicious, and how recently I had asked for the door lock password to drop off the side dishes my mom sent while I was staying alone.

Hearing all this made me think about why Lee Jihoon had earned the nickname “Lee Jidok.” From what I had just heard, I could already see the traces of a party that had been planned to a disturbing extent. I understood that the finale ceremony of the party was pulling Kang Youngsoo into this mess. If I wanted to point this out, then I would also have to involve Kang Youngsoo who was completely oblivious. Lee Jihoon likely had no concern about that since he had planned this all, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. Even if Kang Youngsoo noticed I liked men, if he realized that the object of my affections was Lee Jihoon, it would complicate things even further. The guy stuck in the middle would undoubtedly be in a tough spot.

Beeep-beep-beep.

The reminder rang again as if to awaken me, staring silently at the door. I hastily reached out and closed the door lock cap.

“…Hang up.”

– Oh, Seon-wook! Please don’t lower your voice. I’m genuinely scared and can’t sleep!

“I’m not angry. I get it, just hang up.”

– Okay! If you have any anger, let it out on Lee Jihoon. I’ll hang up now, Seon-wook! Sleep well!

With Kang Youngsoo’s playful voice disappearing, the corridor fell silent. I stood without a sound until the motion sensor in the hallway turned off and finally raised my hand. I entered the eight digits without pausing, and the door opened.

Click-

The inside of the house was even quieter than the corridor where I had just stood alone. I swept my gaze through the kitchen and living room, confirming that no one was in the small room next to the entrance before my steps naturally headed to the last remaining room. It was the place where I always tried to sleep.

As I opened the door, the smell of alcohol hit me hard. I hesitated for a moment but stepped inside anyway as if I had just unlocked the door and walked into my home.

“…….”

Lee Jihoon was lying flat on the bed. His face wasn’t clearly visible because he had his hand over his eyes, but I could see his chest rising and falling. The room was cold, likely because the window was wide open. My feet quickly grew cold on the floor. The guy, who seemed to be more sensitive to the cold than me, lay there unmoving as if he felt nothing. From a glance, he looked like he was asleep.

I walked straight toward the closet as if I hadn’t seen anything. I grabbed a shirt hanging in the closet and shoved it into the paper bag without looking closely at which shirt I was taking. Before long, the paper bag felt heavy. I walked toward the door without looking back at the bed. I only needed three more steps to leave the room.

“You took down all the glow stars.”

Despite my efforts to ignore him, it was futile. With that one statement Lee Jihoon spat out, my gaze naturally turned to the side. I saw him lying there in the same position as before, still with his hand covering his eyes. Since he had covered his eyes, he shouldn’t be able to see anything, but he spoke as if he could see everything.

On the day I moved into this house two years ago, the glow stars stuck to the ceiling of this room, and I, who was trying to leave while pretending to just take the shirt, even though I was fully aware of him.

He asked, knowing that with just that one question, I would be stuck.

“When did you take them down?”

His voice showed no trace of drunkenness. I had anticipated it, but Lee Jihoon had indeed been waiting for me.

“……”

Without answering, I checked the digital clock, which was the only source of light in the dark room.

3:02 AM. Within the brief moment I blinked, it turned to 3:03. It was an undeniable late hour. If I had performed my duties on time before returning, it would have been around 6 AM. I wondered if Lee Jihoon would have still waited for me then. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought. It was just inevitable. At the moment I posed that question to myself, I already knew the answer.

If it were Lee Jihoon, that would be the case.

“…It’s been a while.”

So, if it were Lee Jihoon.

The home I moved into two years ago had formerly been inhabited by a newlywed couple and their three-year-old child. Perhaps because they used to sleep in the master bedroom with their child from a young age, the ceiling of the biggest room in the house was covered with glow stars. On the day of the move, it was Lee Jihoon who first noticed them and pointed them out. Even when Kang Youngsoo came with a chair, wanting to take them down, he had opposed it.

“Hey, just leave them. This guy won’t be able to sleep if it’s too dark anyway.”

Only after hearing my answer did Lee Jihoon take his hand off his eyes. As if searching for the traces of the now nonexistent glow stars, he kept blinking up at the ceiling, murmuring as if he was realizing this for the first time.

“Really? I didn’t know.”

The silence was heavy. I swallowed the dryness in my throat. I didn’t know how to deal with Lee Jihoon, who was acting so nonchalantly even after what had just happened. I managed to pull out the most neutral statement I could think of—something you might say to a drunk person.

“…You must be tired, so sleep more. You said you drank.”

Instead of answering, Lee Jihoon turned his head. Even in the darkness, I could easily feel the intensity of his gaze fixed on me. Catching the moment when his stare lingered unusually long on the paper bag I was holding, I added defensively.

“I just came for a quick shirt. We should both go back now.”

Lee Jihoon’s gaze rose up. I barely managed to turn my head away before our eyes met. Remembering the betrayal I felt when I encountered him in the ER, I feared that locking eyes now would cause me to speak according to his pace.

Fortunately, Lee Jihoon didn’t say anything. Thankful for that, I prepared to take a step. Just one more step and I could leave the room. I couldn’t tell him to leave after being intoxicated and brought over, so it had to be me who left. Even if I had to endure a reprimanding for coming back, it was better than returning to the station.

“But isn’t it strange?”

I halted my steps again. If I just took one more step and ignored that remark, I could have left the room, but I couldn’t let it go, solely because of the unusually low tone of Lee Jihoon’s voice.

“I’ve visited this house so often, so why did I realize that only now?”

I lowered my eyes. The shirt I had hastily shoved into the paper bag was sticking out awkwardly. It felt just like this situation. Habits are dangerous; no matter how much you try to hide them, they ultimately expose themselves. Even though both Lee Jihoon and I tried to act normal as we always did, we couldn’t help but reveal our thoughts this way.

This one-sided conversation was just like that. Lee Jihoon ignored the things I said and continued with his thoughts, which were in no way a mere monologue.

“I thought about that and realized.”

“……”

“You told me not to come into this room.”

“……”

“And I followed your words. Even when Kang Youngsoo sometimes said he had slept in your room, I would say, ‘What a crazy bastard. Ignoring someone who said they didn’t want it.’ I never thought the price for following your orders would lead to this…”

Lee Jihoon let out a short, hollow laugh at the end of his words. He seemed almost absurdly surprised to realize that, on the other hand, he seemed unsure of what to do with that new piece of information.

“Change the door lock code.”

“……”

“I ignored all your texts and calls.”

“……”

“So what’s next? Move away? Change my phone number and disappear?”

Despite the lighthearted tone, his face looked grim. Although he suppressed his words in the ER, in this room, where only I could hear him, he seemed to have lost the reason to hold back. He was trying to use this room to express everything. The subject of that expression was the weary feelings I had carried toward him.

“Tell me. I deserve to know at least that much. I can’t keep coming into this house carried on Kang Youngsoo’s back.”

“……”

“Or, is that the way you want it? To just ignore this and wait for time to pass until I get tired and fall apart?”

It would be a lie to say I was fully unprepared for Lee Jihoon trying to hold onto me in any way. However, I hadn’t expected this kind of approach. While he could reach out to me several more times, I never imagined he would barge in and demand to know everything at once like this. I was clinging to the only advantage that the facade of ‘friendship’ I wore to maintain my relationship with him offered.

The superficiality of friendship. No matter how long you’ve known each other, if one person wants to end it, there’s no legal means to keep them together. Lee Jihoon was the one person who knew that better than anyone else. But seeing him act like this, I was unsure.

Maybe I had been too complacent.

It was hard to figure out how to deal with someone who was angrily confronting me for the first time. It took me a while to finally squeeze out a coherent response.

“…That’s not what I meant.”

“……”

“If I really have to tell you… let’s talk next time. Not right now. You’ve had a drink, and I’m not prepared enough for this now.”

Lee Jihoon let out a hollow laugh in response to the careful words I had thought were the best I could offer. I heard the bed creaking, and before I knew it, Lee Jihoon was right in front of me. It didn’t take long for him to snatch the paper bag from my hands and throw it onto the floor. The shirts that were awkwardly packed spilled onto the ground. Even if I picked them up again, a shirt that had been wrinkled like that could never be treated the same as it was on the hanger in the closet.

“Next? What’s next?”

Lee Jihoon knew perfectly well what I meant.

“Don’t lie. You’re not going to give me another chance, right?”

Yet he still proceeded, as if he was aware that we stood at the edge of our relationship, equal to those shirts. After this conversation, we would both know that even the thin veil of friendship we shared couldn’t be maintained anymore.

I found myself back in the hallway of the officetel from that day in the blink of an eye. The difference was that Lee Jihoon was now blocking the last exit in front of me instead of standing behind me with a foolish look on his face, holding the box I had handed him.

“If it’s something you can say then, just say it now.”

“……”

“Don’t prepare to run away again; just say it now, Ji Seon-uk.”

Realizing I could no longer escape, I raised my eyes. Lee Jihoon’s dark eyes were watching me without missing a beat.

“……”

“……”

To do or not to do. Lee Jihoon lived his life in black and white. Watching him was almost fascinating. He wouldn’t start anything unless he was fully committed, and if he made up his mind, he would hang on so fiercely until he saw it through that he would be described as insatiable. Instead, in concentrating on these pursuits, he easily let go of everything else. That meant he didn’t become obsessed with everything. Perhaps that’s why, as long as those things he kept his eyes on remained intact, the people around him wouldn’t recognize it. When he was playing baseball, it was baseball; when he gave it up, it was his test scores. When preparing to become a pilot, it was flight experience.

As I just now made eye contact, it woke me up to the fact that Lee Jihoon was now doing this regarding our relationship. To be friends or not to be friends. That also meant that, for Lee Jihoon, the option of still being “friends” existed. I remembered the options Lee Jihoon must have had when he called me to the ER. At the same time, I realized that until he understood why we could no longer be friends, he wouldn’t let that choice go.

As long as Lee Jihoon acted this way, there was no way to ambiguously end our relationship. This conversation would only end when we had reached a resolution. With that thought, I finally opened my mouth.

“…I’m sorry.”

Surprised by the fact I was apologizing again, Lee Jihoon wore a look of disbelief.

It was the same apology, but in a way, it felt completely different. Looking back, I had been childish when I barged into Lee Jihoon’s house. I had spilled my long-held feelings and then just bolted away. Perhaps it would have been better for us to express everything this time and come to an adult-like conclusion. Since we had shared so much over the years, there were a lot of things to let out.

“I know this must have been shocking for you. I wanted to grab you right then and ask what you meant, but I had to go deal with work.”

“……”

“I know that, all of that was intentional. I came at that hour on purpose, but it just made it harder to talk. I know I was cowardly.”

“……”

“I didn’t answer your calls because I didn’t know what to say. I have no idea what you were trying to say with those calls either.”

I spoke, trying to stay as calm as possible as though I were terrified of dropping the delicate balance I had just managed to establish. Maybe this was the last time I would see those eyes, so I tried to imitate an adult as best as I could. It was the one thing I struggled to do in front of Lee Jihoon. I always felt as though I had returned to being sixteen around him.

For the first time, I felt like I was standing before him as a twenty-nine-year-old. There were things I had to say that the sixteen-year-old Ji Seon-uk couldn’t have said.

“Lee Jihoon.”

When he had rushed in asking to talk, Lee Jihoon had kept his mouth shut the moment I started speaking. Yet, his gaze never left me. Since we were standing but a step apart, I could see his thoughtful expression in the dark all too clearly. I swallowed two dry gulps. After a while of moving my throat like that, I finally felt brave enough to shatter his expectations.