FBF chapter 4 part 5

A few minutes later, all the belongings that Lee Jihoon had hidden away because he couldn’t bear to throw them out were thrown into the barrel. Even though there was nothing left to put in, Lee Jihoon peered into the barrel as if judging whether something could still fit. At the same time, I thought of something. I patted Lee Jihoon’s back and spoke quickly to him as he turned around.

“Don’t light it yet; just wait a moment.”

“…What?”

“I said wait a moment. I’ll be right back, so don’t do anything.”

Lee Jihoon, seemingly puzzled by my urgent request, finally called out to me as I was about to leave the beach. “Hey!” I ignored his voice and kept running, as if I couldn’t hear anything. I ran up the hill until I arrived home, breathless, and without stopping. My grandfather was not home. Thanks to that, there was no one to stop me as I stomped on the floor without even taking off my shoes and searched through the room. Before long, I discovered a small box in a suitcase that had been placed on top of the wardrobe.

It was a gift I received for my fifteenth birthday. A present from my mom that I had never wanted, and thus I never bothered to open it again.

Holding that gift, I ran back to the beach. Fortunately, Lee Jihoon seemed unable to go against my request and stood there, looking lost. As soon as he saw me, his expression was about to break into words, but it faded when he saw the object in my hand.

I approached Lee Jihoon slowly and took a picture of the items in the barrel with the camera I held. After photographing each item one by one, I stepped back from the barrel.

“You can do it now.”

“……”

“Light it.”

Lee Jihoon silently looked at me, and after a while, he took a match. A single match created a brilliant flame inside the barrel. Thanks to the contents’ composition, the fire caught quickly. As Lee Jihoon gazed down at the blazing barrel, he stumbled back a little and soon sat down next to it. I went over and sat beside him in silence. The sunset was mesmerizing. It took more than an hour for everything to burn away. For that whole hour, we sat in complete silence. Although we were within touching distance, we chose simply to endure together. I felt grateful that just having someone next to me provided solace.

After some time, when I handed over the developed photos from my trip to the city earlier that weekend, Lee Jihoon looked speechless. As he stared down at the photos for some time, instead of taking them, he stepped closer and hugged me. Even as the photos teetered between us, he didn’t care. Instead, he pressed his warm, damp eyes against my shoulder and cried loudly.

In that moment, I realized I had become part of that boy’s solid world. Because while he could laugh and joke with anyone, he didn’t embrace just anyone.

—

“What kind of person is he?”

My brother had asked that before. It was a strange relationship if I thought about it. While we did everything that couples would do, we only ever talked about others when we were together. To be precise, we spoke about people who we wished were someone else but weren’t.

He said he dated a friend from high school. They went out for about a year, then that boy said he wanted to break up first, and he still didn’t know why. He once mentioned how his ex-boyfriend resembled Jung Hyun-joon. He would bring it up casually as if it were an insignificant story, but whenever he finished, he always ended up crying. I handed him tissues instead of wiping his tears as I noticed his round eyes turning crimson. I thought meeting those kinds of guys was a talent in itself, although I couldn’t say that out loud—perhaps he sensed it, as he sniffled and nudged my arm.

Seeing him roll his eyes, he seemed determined to retaliate as he hurriedly asked, “What about you? What’s ‘that person’ like?”

The phrase “that person” felt ticklish. Lee Jihoon had never been referred to as ‘that person’ in my eyes. From the moment I first encountered him, we had never distanced ourselves, making it uncomfortable and difficult to refer to him with distance.

I could only think that I was perhaps unable to endure the fact. Maybe because I couldn’t accept any sense of distance, I got mad, ultimately leading us to this situation. The incident in Gangneung had unexpectedly popped into my mind again months later. I could still vividly remember Lee Jihoon’s perplexed expression as he failed to understand why I got so angry.

“Don’t want to tell me?”

My brother asked carefully, observing me. As we locked eyes, I waved my hand dismissively.

“If you don’t want to say it, you don’t have to.”

In that moment, I finally found my voice.

“Why are you so concerned about my feelings? It’s not like I’m that significant.”

I had always wanted to express that.

“I don’t think you’re the type to hurt people with your words anyway, so don’t worry about others as well.”

For a moment, my brother fell silent, but he nodded uncertainly. I uncrossed my arms and stood up. A weak smile escaped me. Every time I thought about Lee Jihoon, a deep sigh would escape me, resembling my feelings toward him—a presence that was undeniably there but could not remain.

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you; I just don’t know how to say it.”

“……”

“I… honestly don’t know.”

“……”

“I should know him better than anyone, even he probably thinks so too. But… sometimes I feel like I know him less because of that. It seems opposite to studying. If I studied him for so long because I liked him, you’d think I should know something about him. But I just… don’t know. It’s hard.”

I had thought about it countless times but had never spoken to anyone about it. I quickly grew numb to the fact that my genuine feelings expressed for the first time were not directed at the subject itself. I had to accept, alongside a wave of helplessness, that I had even learned how to love Lee Jihoon without needing to look at him.

“But he thinks I take him for granted. Maybe it’s easier for me to let him misunderstand that. He’s genuinely proud. He hates apologizing and doesn’t make mistakes at all, which is why every time he lowers his pride to come to me, it makes me feel pathetic.”

“……”

“I’m someone special to him, yet I’m not special in the way I want to be.”

My soft-hearted brother’s expression worsened as I continued speaking, to the point that he looked as though he might cry. Did he cry so much that he developed tear spots beneath his eyes? Or did he cry often because he had those spots? I looked at the small, dark dot just below his eye and made an effort to smile.

“It’s okay. I’m doing this to stop feeling this way.”

“……”

“You’ll be fine.”

My brother hesitated, then grasped my sleeve. I placed my hand over his and locked eyes with him.

“…You have to be okay.”

Instead of saying anything, my brother leaned in to kiss me. It was the kind of comfort we were best at.

It had been a long time since I dreamed of those days. The story would soon be ten years old next year. Now, even my brother’s face was becoming faint in my memory. We hadn’t seen each other for three months, so it made sense. Could I even say I had met him at all? While I pondered briefly, I shook my head and stood up.

I had been trying to sleep on the bed in the duty room for three days now. After overnight shifts, I’d crash into sleep, wake up to eat, then sleep again. I dragged my gaze away from the calendar across from the bed. Even though I exhausted my body, I was tired of not being able to forget that today was the day Lee Jihoon returned.

“…Oh, hello. I didn’t know you were here. I’m sorry.”

The person entering through the door paused and bowed his head. I recognized that anxious face. It slowly dawned on me that he was one of the rookies from a recent team dinner, eagerly accepting drinks from the seniors.

At the stage where he was being dragged around without knowing what was going on, he must be extremely conscious of his surroundings. I had heard that the violent crimes team had a big gathering for the newcomers yesterday, but the hangover evident on his face suggested he had gone through a lot.

“Should I close the door?”

Despite the look on his face as if he would soon collapse, he was trying hard to avoid any mistakes, making him seem almost comical. Then again, everyone was like that at that age. I chuckled and shook my head, taking off my white shirt and tossing it into the closet.

“It’s fine. Come in. I was about to leave anyway.”

I paused as I was about to close the closet door. The corner where the emergency shirts were supposed to be was empty.

“Uh…”

I felt like I needed to go home today. I could no longer defend myself against entering a home without Lee Jihoon’s belongings.

“Officer Lee…”

“Yeah, what?”

I turned my gaze back after starting to put on my shirt. As I gave him space to step inside, the rookie, still lingering in the doorway, cautiously gestured toward the bed.

“Your phone is…”

“……”

“Your phone has been ringing on the bed…”

Beeep—Beeep—

I stopped putting on my shirt and turned back. As the rookie said, my phone was vibrating on the bed.

“Aren’t you going to get it?”

I shook my head at the rookie, who was fussing as if it was his own issue.

“…Oh. Leave it.”

The phone’s vibrations gradually subsided. I approached the bed only after the ringing had completely stopped. I picked up the phone and checked the missed call notifications on the screen.

Missed Calls

[Lee Jihoon] (3)

The moment I confirmed it was quite expected, I flipped the phone over. It wasn’t surprising that he was calling at the same time he had for the last two days. Even after being ignored for two calls, Lee Jihoon had not sent a simple message asking why I hadn’t picked up. As if to pressure me that such things could not be conveyed through a text.

What must that moment have felt like for Lee Jihoon, who had been right up until the end?

The three missed calls felt like a misstep in a discordant rhythm, making me feel heavy. After all, we had known each other for fourteen years. Even if I thought it wouldn’t be easy, it was still surprising that he would reach out so directly. My thoughts began to tangle.

I sighed and stood up. My eyes met the rookie’s, who was watching me closely. I felt sorry that he had come so far only to wait for me to step aside. As I gathered my toiletries from the side table to leave, I lightly patted his tense shoulder.

“Sorry. Get some rest. You’ll be on shift again tonight, right?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m okay.”

As the door closed behind me, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Strangely, at that moment, my heart sank.

[Seo-eon University Emergency Room]

The caller ID showed a number I had never saved, along with a name, suggesting it was a registered emergency contact. I answered before I could even read the ‘Emergency Room’ part fully. Then I started sprinting down the hallway without a second thought.

—

“…What about work? Oh, is it a night shift today?”

As soon as my eyes met his after I arrived, that was all he could say. Next to him were the neatly folded patient clothes as if he had just taken them off. I recalled the words I had heard from the medical staff. When I had arrived at the emergency room, they asked if I was a guardian, and that Lee Jihoon had come here due to a traffic accident, and since there weren’t any visible issues, he could be discharged without hospitalization.

“Are you scared you got hurt? Why do you look like that?”

Lee Jihoon laughed as he glanced at me. He even lifted himself from the bed, attempting to prove that everything was fine. As he stretched and turned his body, he seemed alright, just as I had heard.

“How did this happen?”

“What do you mean how? I just had a typical car accident this time.”

Lee Jihoon answered nonchalantly as he picked up a watch from the side table. As if the fact that he had just been in a traffic accident and had summoned his guardian was nothing unusual.

“Lee Jihoon.”

They told me that the tow truck had already arrived. The truck driver, who had been brought along to this hospital, had his arm bandaged up. The truck driver’s complaints as he held insurance agents in the corridor lingered in my ears.

“No, but shouldn’t the damage ratio at least be 70 to 30? Not taking off immediately after the signal changed is clearly a crime on the road!”

He said the accident happened not far from the airport. Lee Jihoon had learned how to drive properly from his father, who had dozens of qualifications related to moving machines, starting with motorcycles. There was a time when he declared he would never ride in a car with Kang Youngsoo again just because he had briefly checked his phone while driving.

I knew that well, and I couldn’t just accept this situation easily. Lee Jihoon, the person involved, must not have been unaware of the anomalies in this situation either. He fell silent as if sensing something inevitable before finally confessing.

“I was distracted for a bit. I wasn’t sure if it had been five seconds since the signal changed. A frustrated uncle from behind crashed into me because he couldn’t wait that moment.”

“Why did you do that?”

“If you’re curious, you can go ask him yourself. He seemed enthusiastic enough to tell you; it’s not like he was speaking into a loudspeaker, how did he manage to make his voice audible all the way from the hallway here to what the ratio of responsibility was?”

“No, I mean you. Why did you do that?”

“……”

“Why would you think about other things while driving? Don’t you know there are a lot of trucks around near the airport? If you were tired after your flight, you should have just taken a taxi like usual. If you had gotten hurt, you would’ve had to get a cast just like that uncle! Are you out of your mind?”

There’s a certain feeling that comes with calls from hospitals. What’s evident to the person conveying the message becomes an abrupt and violent nightmare to the person receiving it. We were close enough that a call could reach me immediately, yet the fact that someone I held dear was in an emergency situation left me shocked.

“Is this the guardian of Mr. Lee Jihoon?”

The monotone delivery of those three syllables felt as if the hallway itself warped around me. While I was obviously standing somewhere to receive such a call, it felt as if I were being swept away by the flow of time and space surrounding me. I couldn’t remember how I ended the call or how I got to the hospital. It was only after I confirmed Lee Jihoon’s intact face peeking through the white curtain that my senses returned. I squeezed my hand into a fist, crumpling the paper I held. Only as I stared at the crumpled taxi receipt did I recognize that I had taken a taxi to get here.

After a brief pause, Lee Jihoon finished fastening his watch and retrieved his phone before fully turning towards me.

“Why did you do that?”

The moment I locked eyes with the calm question he posed, I realized something was off. He asked me once again as he watched my tight-lipped response.

“What do you think the reason might be?”

He looked different than usual. Not smiling and being angry are different. But just now, Lee Jihoon had done both. For a moment, he turned his gaze from me to glance around and then finally shut his mouth as if holding it in.

It struck me that this was the first time I was seeing Lee Jihoon since that day. That we could no longer go back to how we were before.

I stared at him silently. The hair that Lee Jihoon had casually swept to the side looked as neat as it did on the day of the departure. Despite being a little out of place due to the unexpected incident, it wasn’t messy.

It mirrored our current situation. The only chaos I had introduced was akin to those few strands of hair that fell on his forehead. It seemed significant right now in his well-ordered life, but as time moves on, it would no longer be so—something I understood better than anyone.

“Let’s just go home. We’ll talk about it or scold you more there.”

“……”

“The bumper on my car got completely wrecked; I’ve sent it to the repair shop. If you don’t drive me, I can’t even get home.”

Lee Jihoon quickly erased the complicated expression from his face and casually continued speaking. Just like always, his manner and speech hadn’t changed. Even though he suggested going home, he made no distinction between your house and mine. That was because we had remained the kind of relationship that didn’t require such definitions.

I began to understand why Lee Jihoon had called me yesterday and the day before. He viewed my confession as just one of the many challenges we could overcome together. So, it was only natural that he would want to talk about it.

Yet, I couldn’t hold it against him. Could I blame him for thinking that way given that I rushed here without thinking it through only because he got hurt? I’d probably continue to make the same mistakes, forgetting all that fear he could have been injured.

So, if it means I would continue living alongside him like this…

—

The moment I realized that nothing was wrong but rather that I was at fault, it clarified how I should treat Lee Jihoon. I broke the connection of his persistent gaze first. After glancing at Lee Jihoon’s foot—the one area I hadn’t visually confirmed the condition of, which was the only aspect I wasn’t sure of—my eyes moved away. Just as the medical staff had said, he appeared to show no signs of discomfort. I took some solace in that confirmation.

Finally, I spoke to Lee Jihoon, who had been waiting for my response.

“Kang Youngsoo is coming.”

“…What?”

“I heard he’s nearby, so he should be here soon. We’re taking his car home.”

It was a relief that Kang Youngsoo had called while I was listening to the medical staff explain things, mentioning he had taken the day off. I felt grateful it happened at this moment. Instead of allowing my emotions to bubble over and explode, I said what I should have.

“And… I don’t know why I’m listed as your guardian.”

“……”

“We should change that. I can’t come when you call anymore.”

Earlier, hearing the name ‘Lee Jihoon’ had made my heart drop, but now it was the term ‘guardian’ that was causing that feeling. Having declared I would step away from Lee Jihoon’s life, I no longer had the right to hold that title.

“Hey, Ji Seon-uk.”

He grabbed my arm. The moment Lee Jihoon stepped forward to say something, the curtain surrounding the bed was suddenly pulled back.

“What? Why are you fine? Seon-uk’s voice sounded really serious, so I hurried and even brought crutches!”

It was Kang Youngsoo. He had swung the curtain open in a hurry, but as soon as he saw Lee Jihoon standing uninjured, his expression morphed into one of disbelief, and he tossed the crutches aside. As Kang Youngsoo made his unexpected appearance, I seized the opportunity to pull my arm back from Lee Jihoon. I turned completely to avoid the gaze that followed me.

“The examination results seem fine, so they told me he could be discharged. I have to get to work, so you can take him home.”

“Okay. Thanks for the help. Hurry. But… you ditched your date for this, right? Lee Jihoon looks totally fine! Are you really hurting?”

“I’m leaving.”

As Kang Youngsoo jabbed the end of his crutches playfully into Lee Jihoon while complaining, I hurriedly slipped out of the emergency room, leaving behind Lee Jihoon who was staring at me in silence. Only after I left the hallway did I realize the hand that had been gripped earlier was still throbbing.

Even after I got into a taxi, I hesitated for a long time before finally opening my hand. There was a long scar etched into the center of my palm. Excited memories churned amid the fresh red scratches, reminding me of the earlier incident. That’s right, I had stumbled getting out of the taxi. I must have been in a rush when it happened—all out of worry for Lee Jihoon, just for a moment while receiving the card back.

Yet I had completely forgotten about it. It was as if I had never experienced it at all, as if it had never even crossed my mind.

That realization took my breath away. It wasn’t because I had thoughts of failing to reach Lee Jihoon.