FBF chapter 3 part 1

When someone is missed, it’s as if memories of places we’ve been together, music we’ve listened to, and the food we’ve shared come flooding back. It seems the more memories we have with that person, the stronger those memories become. Maybe that’s why every time I meet him, I feel like I’m returning to the time when we spent the most time together. Do you have someone like that? Someone who can take me back to being a five-year-old child, a fifteen-year-old middle school student, or a nineteen-year-old high school student? Just standing in front of them makes me feel like I’m back to that age.

The afternoon’s music square ended with a small wish to remain a treasured memory for you, and now I’ll play the last song request of the day sent by a listener with the phone number ending in 1516.

The radio was on without much thought, but today, for some reason, the closing remarks stuck in my mind. Perhaps it was because a certain person came to mind the moment I heard those words. The fact that I could think of Lee Jihoon at the end of a long day was absurd, yet I didn’t dislike it. When I think about it, it’s been a long-time occurrence in my life. If I had disliked it, I wouldn’t have maintained the connection for so long.

Even though work hours had long passed, Olympic-daero was bustling. It felt as if it was giving me time to reminisce about my memories one by one. I pulled my arm from resting on the steering wheel and rubbed my face roughly as if washing off the exhaustion.

I recalled the day I first met Lee Jihoon, the first time he hugged me, and the moment I realized I loved him as a precious friend. The many sleepless nights I spent with my eyes wide open, unable to accept that truth. Memories clung to my life like they were a part of me, robbing me of the courage to shake them off.

Flight Schedule:

– Incheon Departure: October 17, 07:30, Flight KE643

– Singapore Arrival

– Singapore Departure: October 20, 10:00, Flight KE612

– Incheon Arrival: 23:39

Like every time I found a moment during work, I chewed on the message that Lee Jihoon had sent the previous night. He always made it a point to inform me of his flight schedule. Thanks to that, our chat window, which was usually sparse, was filled with his flight details. Once, when Kang Youngsoo asked about Lee Jihoon’s vacation schedule, I wondered if he could just check the messages. The bright smile that was reflected back asked, “What message?” made me realize that Lee Jihoon only provided this unnecessary update to me. However, I had never asked him why. Surely it wasn’t for any special reason, and I didn’t want to poke my heart with unnecessary expectations.

Maybe that’s why I’ve continued to receive messages like this. I was crazy for memorizing his schedule every time he sent them, but Lee Jihoon was also crazy for sending them regularly. Yesterday, even after I had no reason to ditch him, he still sent the message without scolding me.

“Do you want to meet up tomorrow, the three of us?”

“……”

“Bring your girlfriend. It’s about time we introduced each other.”

I should have felt the responsibility to follow through with those words, especially since it would mean going out for drinks. Knowing that, I still didn’t go. About five hours before our appointment, I suddenly told the group chat that I might have to go on a night shift and wouldn’t be able to join. After kicking Lee Jihoon out, I spent a sleepless night, regretting my cowardice. While Kang Youngsoo flooded the chat with crying emojis, Lee Jihoon did not reply at all. The “1” next to my message, indicating it hadn’t been read, disappeared only after the time had passed that I should have been at the drinking party.

Kang Youngsoo might not have known, but Lee Jihoon would have. He must have known that I was avoiding conversations like this again. Yet, instead of getting openly angry or ignoring the fact, he continued to send me messages like usual. I couldn’t even guess what was going through his mind.

I unnecessarily checked the message again and recited it to myself. If he departed at seven-thirty, he would be sleeping early tonight. He would have to leave home by four in the morning. Would he already be asleep? No, he was the type who needed to go for a light jog at this hour to fall asleep. I found it amusing that I could easily predict his schedule, and it made me reflect on the lives we had inevitably constructed together. It was unavoidable, really. It had been this way for so long that I didn’t even know where to start making changes. Sometimes, I found comfort in relying on that inertia, thankful for the simple fact that I could be by Lee Jihoon’s side without making any effort.

Would I continue to be able to do so?

“If you’ve thought about how strange it is that I’ve never heard you talk about a girlfriend during that time, that would be even weirder, right?”

Having focused so hard on hiding my feelings, I hadn’t considered that he might end up suspecting me because of it. Maybe that’s why, when he casually threw such a question, everything I had built up wobbled. Even more so, the words that Lee Jihoon said didn’t imply that he knew I loved him; instead, it merely suggested that he once thought I might be gay. Yet, I blew up like someone who was pricked painfully, angry at him for thinking that way. Telling him I would even create a nonexistent girlfriend and then canceling the promise made things even more frustrating.

I still turned my head to grab my phone while stuck in the traffic jam. A message from Kang Youngsoo had arrived. Checking the time, it was sent half a day ago.

Kang Youngsoo:

“Oh right, we talked about it yesterday at the drinking party. 3:05 PM”

“Lee Jihoon said since you couldn’t see him this time, let’s meet after he returns from his flight. Is that okay? 3:06 PM”

“…Ah.”

Now I understood.

Kang Youngsoo:

“But that jerk was talking nonsense, haha. He said you would introduce him to your girlfriend. 3:07 PM”

*(Emoji)* 3:08 PM

“Seon-uk-ssi, have you been dating someone without my knowledge? I’m disappointed, let’s break up. 😭 3:09 PM”

Lee Jihoon didn’t need to feel disappointed or angry because I didn’t show up for the drinking party. After all, he was probably thinking that we still had plenty of time ahead.

“We met when we were fifteen, and by next year, we’ll be thirty. The time we spent together after meeting has already surpassed the time spent before.”

In Lee Jihoon’s mind, we would be together for a long while.

What happened that night was a proof that it hadn’t been a dream. It was like firing a flare; Lee Jihoon wouldn’t be able to ignore this issue anymore.

Kang Youngsoo:

“What?! Is it for real…? 😳 3:13 PM”

“Who? You said you weren’t in contact with that actress anymore, right? 3:14 PM”

Lee Jihoon not knowing that I had already come out to Kang Youngsoo was why such a conversation was possible.

I never expected Kang Youngsoo would be my first person to come out to, nor did Kang Youngsoo expect that either. It hadn’t been long since I had quarreled with Lee Jihoon, and Kang Youngsoo kept insisting I should reconcile whenever we talked. Coincidentally, it was when I was struggling to forget Lee Jihoon. Back then, I was in a time where I was desperate not to remember the last look on Lee Jihoon’s face. While trying to erase all reminders of him through meaningless training, my prideful Lee Jihoon ignored the calls from me and all the messages he sent. Even so, all my thoughts were consumed by his contact.

I couldn’t help but feel a sense of shame and despair that engulfed me. Even at a distance, feeling that I might have to carry this feeling for a lifetime if I couldn’t shake off Lee Jihoon, I became more desperate than I had ever been. Seeing Kang Youngsoo come to school just to seek me out and yell at me for ignoring him was the first time I was ever angry.

Sitting in the terminal’s fast-food restaurant, I threw a hamburger that I had ordered as a face-saving move at him, swearing that if this was how it was, we might as well all just cut ties and live like strangers, that I didn’t need old friendships, all came out in a flurry of curse words. “F*cking bastard! Dumbass! No loyalty!” It seemed like there were a lot of pent-up frustrations after battling alone in the quiet group chat. Cursing someone wasn’t my forte, and even the sight of me, who was sitting there quiet as a mouse, seemed pathetic.

Yet, tears fell. The moment I sensed something was wrong and lowered my head, tears dripped onto the fries.

“…Seon-uk, are you… crying?”

The curses came to an abrupt stop. Kang Youngsoo turned pale, as if he had seen a ghost, and when he asked that, I couldn’t even respond because I was crying. The word “cut ties” that came from Kang Youngsoo’s mouth felt incredibly envied. I wanted to cut ties with Lee Jihoon too. I was desperately trying to do so, and just hearing Kang Youngsoo mention breaking ties with Lee Jihoon made my heart sink. I felt hopeless, constantly feeling stagnant despite my efforts.

What was the point of talking about cutting ties? How could I, in a situation where I can’t even see his face, have my heart race just hearing his name?

Later, I came to know that when Kang Youngsoo saw me gasping for air, he was genuinely shaken. He thought that trying to play the mediator among friends would result in a harsh punishment for him. He never imagined he would witness my tears, which he thought he would only see at a time as bleak as my grandfather’s funeral, in a fast-food place.

The shock was greater than when I came out, causing Kang Youngsoo to keep trying to hold me close in a crowded area filled with many men. He hugged my head and kept saying it was okay. Being the type to sweat when he got nervous, his shoulder, which smelled of sweat, was a fitting place to rest my head, and I cried without a care.

With two men embracing, we drew attention. Fortunately, Kang Youngsoo managed to regain his composure quicker than I did, and he pulled me outside. Standing in the smoking area behind the building, he took out a cigarette. Just months before, he was someone who claimed he quit smoking because his new girlfriend hated it. Watching him smoke one after another with a complicated expression, I stopped him from grabbing another.

It wasn’t that I was stopping him from smoking, nor was I questioning why he came out of the blue with such an inquiry.

“Did you have a fight with Lee Jihoon over that? Back then in Gangneung.”

He said he liked men, but he never specified that he liked Lee Jihoon. When I thought he might have caught onto something, Kang Youngsoo continued with a serious expression.

“While you’re suffering with this dilemma, Lee Jihoon is casually talking about girlfriends?”

In that moment, I felt a sense of emptiness wash over me. I realized that even in this situation, it was more natural for him to take such a choice. The fact that I had come out to him confirmed that my feelings for Lee Jihoon were so absurd that even the closest observer couldn’t fathom the extent of them. I didn’t have the confidence to correct him, so I remained silent. Noticing my silence, Kang Youngsoo seemed confident that it was the answer and nodded his head up and down, a look of relief crossing his face.

“I figured it was strange. To be honest, do you think I or Lee Jihoon could have acted like that? But for you to stomp out like that in that situation was totally unexpected. After you left, that jerk Lee Jihoon freaked out and ended up fighting with his girlfriend later that night. Damn it, he went all the way to Gangneung and didn’t even get to see the sea. He woke up the next day and came back right away.”

“……”

“It’s fine. What does it matter to bring up the past? What’s important is what lies ahead. Let’s take this opportunity to discuss everything. Come to Seoul, Seon-uk. I’ll let you stay over. Let’s drink, and clear everything up. I’ll ask Lee Jihoon when he’s free too, just set a day. Okay?”

I hesitated and shook my head. Struggling to speak, my voice came out weak and pitiful. I shook my head repeatedly, pleading.

“Don’t… tell Lee Jihoon.”

“…Hey. Seon-uk. He’s not the type to be that closed off. It’s you, for that matter.”

“I know.”

“You know, but why—”

“…I’ll tell him. When I’m ready… then I’ll tell him.”

Seeing the confused look in Kang Youngsoo’s eyes, it might have dawned on me. Perhaps that ‘time’ might never come.

“I don’t want to now. It’s not the time.”

At that moment, we were twenty years old, and as it stands now, on the cusp of thirty, that ‘time’ has still yet to arrive.

“Ah.”

I hurriedly wiped under my nose at the sensation of warmth flowing. Just touching it lightly, my fingers were stained red with blood. Perhaps due to the recent frequent night shifts, I had been bleeding from my nose more often.

While rummaging through the glove compartment for tissues, I bumped my head on the rearview mirror. The moment I pinched my nose with cheap tissues bearing the name of the gas station I frequent, a car behind me honked loudly. My vision briefly shook, but I regained my balance simply by shaking my dizzied head. Exhaling, I gripped the wheel and drove, forcing myself to swallow the chaotic lessons this frenzied Thursday night was imparting to me.

I had put things off for far too long. It was for no one but myself.

—

“Did you spend the whole night awake?”

He could have been surprised to see me arriving before dawn, but Lee Jihoon started with a question as if it was a usual occurrence. He seemed to think that even this unusual hour of three AM was normal because of my night duty. I entered through the door he had opened without confirming or denying anything.

There was no hint of sleepiness on his face, and I turned to scan the neatly arranged interior of his home. The house was so immaculate that it could instantly be put on the market, possibly due to the owner seeming to have more time in heaven. Seeing this house every time I visited must have been why I reacted with shock and nagging. Aside from one suitcase neatly set aside by the entrance, there was nothing out of place, almost as if it reflected Lee Jihoon himself. It was a place I sought permission to enter, while at the same time, he had the liberty to come and go from my heart and home at will. I tried to turn my gaze away, attempting to ignore that fact.

It was 3:03 AM. In no more than twenty minutes, Lee Jihoon had to leave home. He needed to drive to the airport and prepare for his flight without delay.

Knowing this, I had come at this hour to utilize that very fact.

“Even when I urged you to sleep over, you didn’t listen, yet here you are?”

“……”

“If you’re going to sleep, do it in my room, not the living room. I cleaned the mattress yesterday, so it’s fresh.”

The distance from where I worked to my home was longer than the distance from the station to Lee Jihoon’s place. Because of that, it was common for him to habitually say I could sleep at his home if I was tired. He even sent me the door lock code via messages. I had probably only come to his house three times in my life. The number of times Lee Jihoon came to my home was incomparable. Knowing this, I shook my head once again.

“That’s not why I’m here.”

“Then what is it?”

Lee Jihoon, who leaned against the entrance, reflected his image in the mirror next door, looked at me with a bored expression. It seemed he was busy getting ready for work, putting on a shirt and tie. Aside from his slightly low voice due to the early hour, he was much the same as usual.

I briefly contemplated what to say, reaching into the corridor before stepping into the house to bring the box I had briefly set down there into my arms. I hadn’t worked a night shift, but I had stayed up all night. I needed to sort some things out, and, surrounded by memories, I had finally decided to face the items I had been putting off for so long. The moment I realized I couldn’t postpone it any longer, I decided to accept everything. Paradoxically, I felt calmer.

It seemed odd that I hadn’t answered him, so Lee Jihoon turned his head. His well-groomed face, with not a single hair out of place, was so neat that it inevitably invoked comparisons to the face from my memories that I had been reminiscing about all night.

I hadn’t intended it, but a silly laugh slipped from my lips.

I realized how much I had loved so many different parts of you.

We truly grew up together. Because of that, at this moment, where I want to end everything, I can vividly recall how you transitioned from a boy to a man.

So… no, what I mean is, we can no longer be together like this.

As one who chose to stand by your side at the cost of hiding my heart, I couldn’t ask for more than that.

“What is it?”

Lee Jihoon threw a glance into the box, confusion dancing in his eyes. The box, which held the underwear he had left each time he visited, as well as memorabilia he had kept in the display case, still had room left. Therefore, I crammed in even the things I had never shown him.

For example, the feelings that had shriveled down to an unrecognizable shape.

“Right.”

Seeing me unceremoniously dive into the main point of a story that hardly had a clear start, Lee Jihoon scrunched his brows slightly. He gestured for me to continue, and I stayed quiet as the dry tongue in my mouth resisted flow. It was in that moment I fully realized what I was trying to do. But dwelling on regrets now carried no meaning; Lee Jihoon wouldn’t want that either.

“I’m going to date a man.”

As expected, Lee Jihoon didn’t even exhibit the common shocked look; he simply gazed at me intently, as if trying to put together what to say. I shook my head when I saw him open his mouth to speak. I didn’t know what he wanted to say, but what mattered was what I was about to say.

“However, the fact that I haven’t mentioned anything to you until now is…”

Looking into Lee Jihoon’s face, I brought forth a confession that felt rusty from being kept for far too long.

There had been moments where I wanted to say these things.

At nineteen, at twenty-three. And, when the day comes that I no longer love you, I thought I would definitely want to tell you then. So, at least once, I wanted to say it directly from my own mouth.

“The man I liked was you.”

For the first time, a tremor ran through Lee Jihoon’s eyes. Watching him as he looked like a deer caught in headlights, I swallowed a bitter smile. I thought the situation was absurd. The moment I made a confession I had put off for so long was not at nineteen, nor twenty-three, nor the moment when I no longer loved him.

It turned out that I loved him even at this moment so much that I had to do this absurd confession. The longer I prepared my words, the more they seemed to lose their essence. After gathering and spitting out the words that had shrunk over a long period, even if it turned out to be a dull confession devoid of any flair, I found some consolation in the thought that it was the best I could do.

“It just had to be… that the first man I ever loved was you.”

“……”

“And that’s why. I’m sorry.”

After waiting for a long time, it seemed Lee Jihoon had no intention of taking the box, so I reluctantly set it down on the floor. I bent down to grab one of the items inside. It was a baseball.

“Keep this as a memory,” you said, “Just do it.”

Though it was probably just a casual remark regarding a ball you tossed countless times during practice, that statement lingered with me throughout my life. I thought about what I could commemorate, staring at this baseball over and over again. Maybe that was why, instead of being stained with dirt, this baseball was now splattered with my emotions. I mustered the courage to finally follow your words.

As a commemoration for ending this feeling, I would return this ball to you.

Even the ball floating above the fence must not have known either. That someone would cherish it for so long.

I breathed out my final lingering sentiments into the baseball, now a conglomerate of unfinished business. With hopes that the memories of being fifteen would seep into it and get trapped there, never again to spring back out.

So,

“Let’s… not keep in touch anymore, okay?”

Lee Jihoon’s expression grew peculiar as he inadvertently caught the baseball. He hesitated for a moment before his face seemed to harden, as if he had suddenly come to a realization about something.

It was as if he was starting to understand why this was packed away in that box.

Lee Jihoon stopped playing baseball when he was fifteen. I’ve held onto this baseball for fourteen years now. Therefore, it has become a sign only the two of us could recognize. Like a pitcher who notices the catcher’s signal but can’t throw the ball, Lee Jihoon stood there motionless. The only words that fell from his lips were faint, as if he couldn’t be sure of that fact.