FBF chapter 19 part 4

I pulled the chair closer. The hand that had been lay limp on the seat was warm.

“Grandpa.”

If Grandpa had been awake, he wouldn’t have been able to do this. Saying “Grandpa” out loud like that, or squeezing the wrinkled hand that seemed to have no strength left.

“I know you held on because you wanted to take responsibility for Seon-uk until the end.”

Old-fashioned as he was, Grandpa loved by taking responsibility. There weren’t many people he loved enough to feel that way. His late wife, and the grandson who had unexpectedly returned to him one day. Those were the only two he would have any lingering feelings for. It is said that when Grandpa, who had been recovering smoothly after a successful surgery to remove a growth, fell into a coma due to a sudden stroke without any warning, even the hospital was perplexed and didn’t understand the reason behind it. According to the grim prognosis they tentatively put forth, it wouldn’t have been strange for Grandpa to die at any moment. I remember the moment when I entered Korea after hearing that news and saw the expression on Ji Seon-uk’s face as he stood in the hospital room. I thought right away that maybe Grandpa would hold on just a little longer for Seon-uk.

Grandpa wouldn’t leave a grandson who made that kind of expression behind alone.

Remarkably, my prediction was right. Grandpa endured for another five years. It was unexpected compared to the hospital’s prognosis, and it seemed that Seon-uk was clinging to that fact with hope. They both seemed to be enduring for each other, not because someone else was there, but because they were there for one another.

I don’t know what made Grandpa, who had been holding on for so long, feel that he no longer needed to endure. But there must have been a reason, since he wasn’t my father and came to me in my dream.

“Live well so you don’t have to worry.”

“…Huh?”

“Don’t fight over trivial things. You’re not kids anymore.”

Grandpa had never once told me how to get along with Seon-uk. When I went to visit, he would simply add another spoon to the dining table, and when I unexpectedly showed up wanting to sleep over, he would just hand me a pillow and a blanket.

Maybe Grandpa had sensed from that time that I would somehow stick close to Seon-uk. So, even in my dreams, he came to say those things. It’s obvious that we would be together, so just don’t fight.

Leaning my forehead against Grandpa’s hand, which now seemed to only have warmth left, I honestly confessed.

“Honestly, I wish you could be around longer… I mean, who else can I complain about Seon-uk to if not you?”

Before taking long-haul flights, I always stopped by the hospital room. I would hold onto Grandpa and talk about various things, wanting to unload everything I couldn’t say while I was away. Things that Seon-uk would never say with his own mouth. The news that Seon-uk had moved, how surprised I was to find that there was nothing to eat in his refrigerator, and complaints about why he was so obsessed with work, just like someone else.

It felt strange to talk all that while being the only one rattling on, yet there were moments when it felt like Grandpa was listening. It seemed that the hand I held onto was moving. It only happened when I talked about Seon-uk.

“If it’s too hard… if it’s something you really have to do…”

I’m not the kind of person who believes in deities, but at desperate moments like this when I try to hold onto the warmth slipping away, I wish someone omniscient who knows everything happening in the world would outright tell me. That person is listening too, so it’s okay to speak.

“I’ll take care of Seon-uk.”

So…

“Go in peace. Don’t look back too much.”

Once again, I felt like the hand was moving. The moment I felt that sensation, I recalled the doctor who had been called into the hospital room immediately understanding the situation and looking at me with pity. Apparently, it happens often. People are such fascinating beings; sometimes they create sensations out of sheer desire to believe. Touch is one of those sensations.

To hold on tightly to even the phantom sensations left behind by those who remain, I squeezed Grandpa’s hand and vowed in a cracked voice.

“Don’t worry, we’re fine.”

I’ll take responsibility, Seon-uk.

I… and us.

I had never visited the hospital this early before, so I didn’t know that the timing coincided with rush hour on the way to Ji Seon-uk’s house. When I arrived home just a little after 9 am, as expected, Seon-uk wasn’t there. It was a department with frequent overtime, and sometimes he would even come in late, not until 10 am, so I was holding onto the hope that today would be one of those exceptions. But it seemed today was not one of those days.

After confirming the empty bed, I wandered around aimlessly, picking up stray clothes, but with nothing else to do, I moved to the living room. The only thing sitting on the living room table was the bouquet of blue roses that I had placed there as soon as I came in. Yet, I was glad to see some remnants of Seon-uk’s movements through the still-wet bathroom or the bowl in the sink.

I checked my phone just in case, but there were no messages. I would like to call him, but thinking about how busy he must have been that morning, which was possibly far worse than usual, made me feel somehow sorry.

Fortunately, it seemed he had checked the message I had sent earlier. Seeing the read receipt, I quickly typed underneath.

1 9:12 am How’s your morning going?

1 If you have time during lunch, let’s talk.

1 9:13 am I want to hear your voice.

The moment my screen turned dark, my gaze returned to the bouquet. I guessed I could only deliver it after he got off work. The flower petals that had looked so fresh at the flower shop earlier seemed to have wilted a bit, so I got up. I looked around the house and found that there couldn’t be a vase. So, I went out and bought a vase along with some groceries. After glancing at the blue roses stuck in the vase, I couldn’t help but check my phone again, but it was still quiet.

Is he really busy? It’s already lunchtime. I began to worry and thought through his usual patterns of contact, scratching the back of my neck as I got up.

He seems busy right now, so I’ll have to contact him later. I should also ask if I can pick him up after work.

– Seon-uk? I couldn’t contact you today; I’m busy. Why?

When I finally got in touch with Kang Youngsoo, the surroundings were noisy. The moment a noise that couldn’t belong to a single person poured out, I was half sure that Seon-uk wouldn’t be there next to Kang Youngsoo. Yet, I couldn’t hang up the call because this was the only thread I had left.

My feet, which had been aimlessly wandering around the living room carpet, headed toward the balcony, and then after confirming a car’s license plate number entering the complex, I turned back into the living room, repeating that cycle. When I checked the clock in the living room, my throat went dry.

It was 1 am. It meant it was nearly a whole day since I had seen Ji Seon-uk. I wasn’t feeling anxious simply because the guy who often worked late hadn’t come home yet. The anxious feeling began the moment I realized I hadn’t received answers to any of the messages I had sent him throughout the day. The messages I sent since morning still only showed as unread, and every time I called, I just heard the ring until it disconnected.

While I tried to convince myself that such things could happen, a sense of foreboding loomed that they shouldn’t happen. I recalled the time when Seon-uk had been avoiding me, not coming home, and tried to tell myself that this could be nothing, but the thought persisted that this was different from back then. Especially since something had happened yesterday… The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was drowning in confusion.

Unable to hold back, I went to the police station, but I couldn’t find Seon-uk’s car. Just to be sure, I visited Grandpa’s hospital room again, but found no signs of Seon-uk. Even when I went to Incheon Airport to look for his car, I only confirmed that his car was parked properly next to mine.

If even Kang Youngsoo has no idea what’s going on, then I have nothing left. I searched all over like a crazy person, only to hear from Seon-uk’s workplace about how there might be a chance that Seon-uk had gone out on a business trip. Pressing my throbbing temples, I gritted my teeth. I needed to focus.

“Did you hear anything about a schedule today? Even something minor would be okay.”

– What? I can’t hear you. Just a moment, please. Ah, yes. Yes, sir. I have to take this call. Yes, yes. I’ll come to your table in a bit~!

There was rustling noise around Kang Youngsoo, and finally, his voice, a bit clearer, came through. What about Seon-uk?

“He’s unreachable, Ji Seon-uk.”

– Is it a big deal that Seon-uk is busy working? I once waited two days for a reply from him.

“I don’t think he’s busy because of work.”

– What do you mean?

“Seon-uk didn’t come to the police station today.”

Imagining he was at a loss for words, Kang Youngsoo responded that he would wait a moment. A few minutes later, his voice, now sounding much more serious, broke the silence.

– I checked all the chat rooms, and there’s really nothing unusual? Even the pig doesn’t know anything.

“…”

– What is it? When did you stop being able to reach him? Has something happened?

Though it was a perfectly reasonable question, I was left speechless. Something had happened, but it didn’t match the nature of Ji Seon-uk’s behavior, who hadn’t contacted me by this time.

Swallowing dryly, I closed my eyes. I picked up the car keys from the table once again.

I thought that I needed to get going. I had to go out and look around, anywhere but here. I couldn’t just sit at home waiting for a guy who might not come back.

– Hey, Lee Ji-hoon. Can you hear me?

My hurried steps stopped in front of the shoe rack. Tick tick tick tick tick tick. The monotonous sound of the door lock made my heart stop. The moment the number pressing ceased and the silence before the door opened felt unbearable. Finally, the face that appeared was the person I had been searching for all day.

“…….”

“…….”

No matter how much I blinked, it was Ji Seon-uk. Seeing him standing still, I felt like he wouldn’t disappear. A sigh of relief finally escaped me.

“…I found you, I’ll hang up.”

The moment I lowered my phone, my heart, which had been racing below the surface, finally found its place. My stomach was churning with an ache. It felt like I had finally escaped the nausea that had tied me up all evening. Words escaped my lips, and my body instinctively approached him, grabbing his arm as he stood frozen, just like I had.

“You….”

I couldn’t continue speaking as the wave of emotion crashed over me a beat too late.

I couldn’t even imagine that something like this would happen just this morning. It had barely been a full day since I last saw him, yet all sorts of dreadful thoughts filled my mind. I thought maybe I had done something wrong and lost him.

Leaving all the countless questions I wanted answers to for later, I first checked on Ji Seon-uk’s condition. Black knit sweater and jeans. I touched his ordinary outfit, checking for any signs of injury.

“Are you okay? You’re not hurt…?”

Before I could lift his sweater to check, my hand was swiftly pushed away. It was more of a restraining gesture than an act of rejection. It was only when I felt the shoe rack behind me that I realized I had been pushed away by him.

Our eyes met, my gaze catching the pale, ashen face. Ji Seon-uk blinked several times, then avoided my glance as he muttered.

“…Don’t touch me.”

“…….”

“I’m fine. I’m not hurt.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off his quick, almost defensive words. The guy who had embraced me just in the morning now felt strangely alien. I sensed that Ji Seon-uk was feeling the same way. He couldn’t meet my gaze as he stood at the front door, choosing to step inside and avoid me rather than ask me anything.

“Hey, Seon-uk.”

Just managing to collect my wits, I caught up to Ji Seon-uk. The moment I placed my hand gingerly on his shoulder from behind, I was terrified of being pushed away again. Fortunately, this time, all Ji Seon-uk did was flinch; he didn’t push me away like before. Gaining confidence from that, I suppressed my impatience and asked as calmly as I could.

“What happened? I’ve been worried since you weren’t reachable.”

I didn’t know why he was so late without any contact or why he was acting so tense, but I could sense that Ji Seon-uk was in a state of some unease.

Although he rarely opened up about his inner feelings, I believed that if I asked the right way, he would answer.

We had decided to talk now.

Tentatively, I asked, but Ji Seon-uk didn’t turn his head toward me. As I observed his movements, I noticed that his gaze was fixated on the vase sitting on the living room table, where the flowers had been placed. It seemed he realized that this bouquet hadn’t originally belonged in the living room.

I licked my lips with my tongue. I had hoped to present it in a less embarrassing context, but sensing he had discovered it, I thought it would be better to explain. Perhaps it might soothe the mood for him after a tough day.

“Ah, that’s something I got from the flower shop this morning…”

“I was late because of work.”

His words suddenly cut off our conversation. I remained frozen, staring only at the back of Ji Seon-uk’s head, realizing that his abrupt statement was an answer to the question I had just posed.

“What?”

Only then did Ji Seon-uk turn toward me. The moment our eyes met, both of us stunned, he appeared calmer than before. His face, devoid of any sign of agitation, looked almost like a mask.

A chill ran down my spine. All the signals I had tried to ignore converged into a singular feeling of foreboding.

“We….”

This was strange. I thought I no longer had to wander aimlessly, so I had arranged to end our friendship and move on to a new relationship whenever we hung out.

“Let’s talk.”

I couldn’t read anything on Ji Seon-uk’s face.

4×5

‘♩♪♬♩♪♬♩♪♬♩♪♬’

I woke to the alarm that felt like it might stop at any moment. Without even opening my eyes, I reached my arm out to swipe at it. Instead of my phone, I felt myself flailing in mid-air, which ultimately forced me to sit up. After washing my face repeatedly, I finally managed to partially open one eye. The bedside table was neat and tidy. The source of the alarm sound was the pants I had tossed under the bed.

“Ugh….”

As I bent down to pick up my phone, a groan escaped my lips involuntarily. Every part of my body felt sore. There was a painful ache shooting up from my tailbone too. This was a new kind of muscle soreness. The only “exercise” I had done yesterday was sex on this bed.

I abruptly threw my phone to the side, but stopped midway. Suddenly, I noticed that the other side of the bed was empty.

I remembered washing up with Lee Ji-hoon, but everything after that was a blur. I pulled back the covers. Considering that I had no memory of any of it, I was somewhat well-dressed. Of course, I was only wearing my briefs on the bottom.

“……”

Did I forget to find my pants?

The more I thought about it, the more embarrassing it became, so I decided to drop it.

Well, it’s not like he dressed me. I must have put them on by myself when I went to bed. Perhaps it was so habitual to dress that there was nothing to remember. When I thought back to how I had half-closed my eyes in the shower, I realized it was surprising that I had put on even this much. I recalled Lee Ji-hoon’s laughter as he had playfully rubbed my belly while taking away the showerhead before I fell asleep and felt bashful.

But where on earth could he be?

I thought perhaps he was in the shower since he wasn’t in the room, but listening carefully for sounds of running water, the entire house was silent. With my feet touching the floor beneath the bed, I ignored the sharp sensation shooting through my spine and lifted my body fully. The digital clock on the bedside table read 8 o’clock. I understood why the alarm had started ringing out of nowhere. This was the time when I would usually sense I’d be late if I didn’t get up immediately. I was glad that I had called my supervisor before heading to the airport yesterday to let them know I would be coming in during the afternoon.

“…Lee Ji-hoon?”

I called his name, but Lee Ji-hoon wasn’t in the living room either. Leaving the empty bathroom, I glanced around the kitchen just in case. The last thing I had checked seemed almost comical because Lee Ji-hoon’s traces were distinctly present there. The dishes on the table, aside from the rice bowl, had enough side dishes for a full meal, which made me smile.

Did a ghost die from not being fed?

With my arms crossed, I gazed at the dining table for a moment before heading back to the bed to find my phone. Sure enough, my phone held traces of Lee Ji-hoon too. There was a message stating that he needed to step out for a while and would try to return before I went to work, followed by a note to not eat cold rice and to take out freshly cooked rice from the rice cooker. As I read through the nagging note that came to mind like an afterthought, I couldn’t help but laugh. I understood now why the rice bowl was left empty.

Since I was going to work in the afternoon anyway, why don’t we eat together? I thought it would be nice to have a quick breakfast together and then go out for lunch. Imagining the plan for after Lee Ji-hoon returned, I decided to wash up first instead of eating. Even though I was going to work in the afternoon, it would be a tight schedule to fit in time with Lee Ji-hoon.

After taking a warm shower, I felt a little of the muscle soreness ease away. As I dried my wet hair with a towel, I noticed my phone buzzing with several notifications that I hadn’t checked while I was showering. Naturally, I thought it was Lee Ji-hoon or perhaps one of my colleagues, but the messages were from a completely unexpected source.

Seo-eon University Health Check Center

Health check-up related notice

[Web Notice] This is Ji Seon-uk from the Seo-eon University Health Check Center.

Health check-up? Stopping cold at the unfamiliar phrase made me freeze. I had completely forgotten about it.

Moreover, I had agreed to receive the results via mail, so why was there a need for a text message for this?

Before I could solve my confusion, my phone vibrated again in my hand.

[Seo-eon University Health Check Center] (3)

Below the call window, a record of missed calls from the same number appeared. Scanning the dates, I noticed that calls had been logged every two days, starting a week prior. With recent field work and lots of investigative cooperation, the call records were packed with numbers from new officers and outsiders. Then it seemed I had missed a call from the health check center.

In the midst of all this, the vibration continued. Still in a daze, I finally pressed the call button.

“Hello?”

The caller was an employee from the health check center. She sounded relieved that I had answered the call. She explained quickly that they had attempted to contact me several times without success, and then firmly stated that it seemed I would need to come to the hospital to check the results. The sooner, the better, and they had a cancellation for that morning, advising me to come immediately. When I cautiously asked, “But I had requested to receive the results by mail; is there some kind of problem?” a silence that I hadn’t anticipated followed. I could hear her intermittent breaths as she searched for words. I checked the time on the clock; it was 8:30 am. I wondered how likely it was that a health check center employee would call me as soon as they opened just because the person had not answered.

Receiving such calls from a hospital isn’t common. When I did receive calls, it was usually about my grandfather’s situation, and since that had only happened after he was hospitalized, getting notified about my health status felt strange and awkward.

Reflecting my anxious mental state, my wandering gaze landed back in the kitchen. I stood up from the sofa and approached the dining table. The rice cooker had the label saying 1H on it. Considering that this stood for the rice being done for about an hour, I began to have an idea of when Lee Ji-hoon might have left. Checking the time of the message, it seemed he had gone out early in the morning. Realizing he would have left the rice cooking with the single-minded desire to ensure I had a warm meal made me think of him fondly. The moment I opened the rice cooker, the woman on the other end spoke up again, cautiously indicating it might be better to come in directly to consult with the doctor rather than relying on the phone. As I gazed at the steaming, freshly cooked rice, I knew she couldn’t see me nodding slowly, but I did anyway.

“I’ll come around the time you mentioned earlier.”

After hanging up the phone, I stood there for a moment before turning to find a ladle. The moment I sat down and took the first bite of rice, I thought to myself that perhaps it was for the best that Lee Ji-hoon wasn’t here right now. I had no idea what was going on, but if I had received such a call in front of him, it would have been very difficult to manage my expression.