FBF chapter 17 part 1

“Just like when I come back from work, if you act like this in the hospital, I’ll have no choice but to put you back in. Dad is not joking around. Understood?”

My dad’s maximum threat, knowing I hate hospitals, hit me like a ton of bricks. While avoiding his intimidating glare, I buried my face in the blanket and glanced at the English vocabulary book I had hidden. Another smack landed on my backside. At this age, getting slapped on my butt was comical, but picturing my dad’s hand being as large as a frying pan made it less funny. I couldn’t tell if my body was hot or if it was just my stinging backside, so eventually, I just flopped down on the bed. Like the ER ceiling had spun during the early dawn, the ceiling in my room also seemed to spin. I realized I really was feeling sick. If I had to get sick, why not during a week when there are no quizzes? I had taken it easy without doing any hard exercise, but I had gotten used to it so fast that now I was whining about being sick.

I felt anxious. I had to do well on the final exams if I wanted to at least apply to Cheongpo High School. I had been glued to my desk late into the night and had just caught up with the second-year middle school textbooks. If I kept lying around like this, I’d soon regress back to a first-year middle school level. Just that thought made me blink a few times, and every time I opened my eyes, the time on the wall clock had jumped ahead.

Dad had mentioned lunch and that I should eat and take my medicine. By the time I opened my eyes a second time, I tried to lift my body, but by the third time, I was too lazy to even do that and closed my eyes again. I wasn’t sure if I was hungry, but keeping my eyes open felt like my eyeballs were burning up.

Hearing the door open was somewhat miraculous. I peeked with my eyes half-open to see that it wasn’t yet time for my dad to return. Then, perhaps my mom? Wow, I’m now joking about my mom. I must be really sick.

“…Ah, this is driving me crazy.”

Even when I tried to focus my eyes, everything kept blurring. In the midst of this, someone who had entered the house was quietly walking across the living room. I could tell from the pace and force of the footsteps that it wasn’t a burglar. I rolled off the bed and fell onto the floor like a failed tumble. I strained my hand to grab the trophy wedged under the desk and pressed my chest against the floor to reach for the doorknob.

I couldn’t even lift my head, just staring at my feet. Seeing the school uniform pants confirmed it was Kang Youngsoo. He must have come after hearing my dad say to check on me. I thought to make good use of him and called out.

“Help….”

“Ah, shit! What the hell!”

“Water… give me water.”

The act of dragging myself to scare Kang Youngsoo, who was afraid of horror movies, came to a stop when he caught a whiff of the unpleasant smell that had originated from me. I involuntarily jerked my head up. Standing there was a person who was at the very bottom of the list of those who would come check up on me at my house. Am I seeing things? My blurred vision didn’t allow me to distinguish properly. Even then, I immediately clung to his feet.

“If you give me water, I won’t eat you….”

The smell was unmistakably Ji Seon-uk… Ah, whatever. I figured that if I drank some water, I’d come to my senses and be able to recognize him properly.

Hearing the door close, I pushed my eyelids up. My hand fell down to touch the inside of my arm where Ji Seon-uk had just been. It seemed like my fever had gone down a little compared to before; however, I couldn’t figure out how much warmth was left on my skin from his hand, so I lingered there for a while. Covering the warm spot with my palm, I curled my body up as if trying to return to the warmth I missed.

‘What if I get disappointed later when you don’t do this for me anymore?’

It was a frustration that had slipped out unexpectedly. There are things I’d prefer not to know about; hence, everything Ji Seon-uk did when he came here today was one of those. If only I had remained unaware that Ji Seon-uk was capable of doing things like this when I was sick. Because otherwise, I might end up expecting that every time I got sick. Then undoubtedly, I would be disappointed.

It was like repeating the fateful day of the sports competition when I assumed there had to be another reason for him choosing not to pick me. I’d likely have the same reaction, getting my hopes up and then feeling let down, only to later ask why it was me he didn’t want to talk to, and he’d give me that ‘Why are you asking me that?’ face before I would end up getting smacked again.

Realizing my expectations and disappointments concerning someone was far from pleasant has been a daily realization thanks to Ji Seon-uk. Knowing he was a boy my age with thoughts I couldn’t grasp only made it worse. Despite my efforts not to show my emotions so he wouldn’t express them back, everything seemed futile when he would just come charging in like this. Overreacting like someone who had been stabbed, I feared that my response would make him act coldly towards me again.

I felt like I couldn’t stomach the porridge and medicine I had taken either. The ceiling spun again. I squeezed my eyes shut and murmured as if promising myself, something I would do every time I sat at my desk lately.

“… You crazy bastard. Get a grip.”

If you keep doing that, you won’t be able to stay by his side for long. You’ll be out of the picture.

When I opened my eyes again, my dad was home, and after eating the porridge and medicine he had brought to my room, I fell asleep again and woke up the next afternoon. My body still felt warm to the touch, but it no longer spun or made me feel dizzy. My condition seemed to have improved, and today my dad, who returned home early from work, brought me more porridge and medicine before leaving to keep an appointment.

Sleeping so much, I was now a habitually sleepyhead. When I fell asleep once more and woke up, it was night. However, I noticed I was not dizzy with each step, so I figured I could go to school tomorrow. I moved to sit at my desk, and something was stuck to the open mathematics textbook.

[Math Quiz Scope

2nd Chapter Factorization ~ 4th Chapter Quadratic Functions (p68 ~ p123)]

The writing on the blue sticky note looked familiar. I must have been sitting around in my room a little longer to write this. I pressed on the sticky note that was coming off slightly, then changed my mind and stuck it on the lamp instead.

… It’s just a good luck charm for a test range written by a smart kid.

Around the time I solved about five practice problems from the math quiz scope, the front door opened. My dad came in with a flushed face. He must have drunk enough that it wouldn’t be obvious under normal circumstances, but judging by his state, it was clear he had been drinking with someone of higher rank. As if anticipating any scolding he might hear from me, he skillfully averted his eyes and headed straight for the bathroom, quickly emerging a moment later. His complexion seemed to have calmed from pouring cold water on his face.

“Who did you drink with?”

My question halted him from taking off his socks, and he snorted, briefly inhaling through his nose, before sprawling out on the couch.

“Village chief.”

His terse reply made it clear he wasn’t in the mood to discuss details, but the unexpected name he mentioned sparked my interest. The village chief doesn’t enjoy drinking. Even when good things happen in the town, he’d only have a couple glasses, and he hardly drinks at all on normal days. He usually drinks only when there’s something significant happening, and as my dad had taken it upon himself to care for me after he was left alone, he generally avoids drinking outings. This increased the likelihood that this was a drinking party organized by the village chief. I put my sharpie down and turned away, about to ask my dad, who was trying to deny it like someone guilty.

“Didn’t he start drinking before you?”

“Don’t call him village chief like that.”

“He said it’s fine to call him that so why can’t you?”

“Because he’s always been so cute that he spoils it. If you did the same, I reckon the village chief wouldn’t like it.”

“Just call him grandpa in front of him.”

“This kid, so full of himself. Is it true you’re feeling better now?”

“Yeah. But dad, your way of avoiding the subject is really obvious.”

“…….”

“What’s up? Why? Did something happen with grandpa?”

Dad, who looked like he was going to say something, clammed up and switched channels. It was clear he was trying to tiptoe around this situation. So this is how it is. I lifted myself off the couch and moved closer to him. I deliberately rubbed my forehead against his shoulder, clad only in a tank top.

“Dad, I’m still kind of sick, you know. Look, I’ve got a fever.”

“Get out of the way! You’re a grown man; it’s disgusting… If you’re bored, just go back to sleep.”

“If you tell me, I’ll go in right away and sleep. And is this just for me? Huh? I also have a friend under grandpa’s care now. I have the right to know.”

As if startled and trying to push me away, my dad suddenly froze, then stared at the ceiling like he was deep in thought. After a moment, it looked like he had decided to share a secret after all.

“Are you still getting along well with Seon-uk? Well, I did see him come over yesterday, so I guess you’re getting along fine.”

“Seon-uk.”

“You just called him Seon-uk not so long ago.”

“Your pronunciation… Ah, forget it. Anyway, we’re fine. Why?”

“… He told me to take better care of you in the future. Make sure to look after him at school, and buy him a lot of tasty treats with your allowance.”

“That’s what you built up to tell me?”

Seeing my face scrunch up in confusion, my dad sighed again. The smell of alcohol lingered faintly around him, even after brushing his teeth.

“Seon-uk is moving to Seoul.”

My heart felt like it had dropped. My dad, nonchalantly scratching his forehead, had made a bombshell announcement. A fleeting look of uncertainty flashed across his face, wondering whether it was okay to share this, but eventually, it turned into a stream of information.

“He’s moving because he’s going back to Seoul with his mom. Apparently, the village chief seems worried about that.”

“Why all of a sudden?”

“It’s not sudden. He originally wanted temporary custody only during the divorce proceedings.”

“…….”

“Anyway, he specifically told me to be nicer to you in the remaining time. Don’t act out before Seon-uk tells you he’s transferring; just keep it to yourself. Don’t mention it to Youngsoo for now, either. Got it?”

Dad emphasized the last part with a sharp look, and only after I nodded lightly did he stand up. A deep sigh expressing his bitter feelings resonated as he scratched the back of his neck.

“I may not know about the empty places, but I can say I know what the places filled with warmth are like. You’ve been looking quite happy since Seon-uk has come over quite often. I don’t know if you’ll be okay once he leaves… you need to be okay…”

As my dad was about to continue speaking, he seemed to have remembered something, froze for a moment, and let out a loud snort through his nose like he was overreacting. Then, in an instant, he got up from his seat.

“You promised I’d check! Get back in and sleep. I’ll check your room later.”

I watched his back as he headed toward the inner room. I turned away. There was a photo of my mom that was agreed to be the only one left in the living room between my dad and me. My mother, who was 42 years old, was smiling brightly in that photo.

‘Ji-hoon… I’m here.’ That smile she wore was just as it had been.

As someone who has to remember that smile, I realize once again that maybe the jinx in my life is that it comes at moments when I’m desperately trying not to lose someone.

* * *

I had another nightmare.

“The difficult problems aren’t too difficult; it’s just that the principles are reversed, which makes it feel that way.”

Now the star of my nightmare was not my mom but Ji Seon-uk. In an instant, he had taken the lead role, looking at me for a long while with an expression I didn’t understand, and then, as if to dismiss it, he turned his back to me without any lingering feelings. Unlike when it was my mom, I couldn’t chase after or grab him, I simply stood there like a fool, watching him grow farther away.

“First, ignore the x-value and use the y-value here….”

Even in my dreams, I know that even when I catch Ji Seon-uk, there are no words exchanged and that no matter how hard I try, he wouldn’t be caught.

It has now been a week since I heard from my dad that Ji Seon-uk would be transferring. Seon-uk has not mentioned this to either me or Kang Youngsoo. Because of this, I briefly hoped that perhaps my dad had been mistaken. Of course, after overhearing some teachers discussing it in the faculty room, I learned that the transfer process for Ji Seon-uk was already underway.

What do I mean to him? A friend? If that word feels too grand, then someone who eats lunch and goes to school together? Or just a classmate? Or maybe… the part of me at home feels smaller and smaller. I wonder if it’s the reason I can’t even voice it in my dreams.

“Hey.”

As I couldn’t hold back the swirling feeling of nausea anymore, I called out, causing Ji Seon-uk to slow down. Just before our eyes met, I pulled my textbook and notebook closer to me.

“After hearing your explanation, I think I understand roughly. I’ll try solving the next one. Thanks.”

Glancing at me for a second, Ji Seon-uk nodded silently. As if waiting for this moment, the classmate seated next to him pushed his textbook towards him. Now that finals were approaching, it seemed like a trend in class to ask Ji Seon-uk about problems we didn’t understand. Thanks to that, when I tried to approach him with my textbook, I was drowned out among the students who were trying to get closer to him.

Returning to my seat, I stared at the problems that Ji Seon-uk had already solved halfway through. Because of the kid who usually gets the answers in under a minute, I had to struggle with even the advanced problems with four stars on them that were way beyond my learning level. Yet, it felt ridiculous that they were problems that could be solved just by thinking inversely about principles. Ignoring the solutions he had written below, I tried to solve them on my own, but couldn’t.

There are too many things that are easy for him yet hard for me. Things like a breakup, for example. But that’s something I can’t even ask about. If I do, he would look at me just like before. With that expression of ‘why would you ask me that?’

Today, as soon as class ended, Kang Youngsoo darted out without hesitation. He claimed there was no umbrella for the Jumanji game or something like that. After sending him off with a thin plastic umbrella that didn’t seem to make sense for two people to share, I boarded the bus with Ji Seon-uk. We sat in seats that were empty in front and behind us, and as we rode along, Ji Seon-uk tapped me on the back, saying he needed to stop by downtown briefly.

Now that I think about it, he never asks if we want to do anything together; he always says it like he has something to do, and I should go ahead. After glancing at him in disbelief, I awkwardly said I also had to buy something and then got off with him. Naturally, I expected him to head towards the bookstore, but to my surprise, we ended up in front of the pharmacy where I had once bought some ointment for him, just as he closed his umbrella and walked in.

“Give me one pain relief patch. I’d like the fast-acting kind….”

Suddenly, why a pain relief patch? He usually only used them when he was studying. Noticing my puzzled gaze, Ji Seon-uk frowned slightly and quietly added.

“… For my grandpa.”

“…….”

“I think his legs hurt whenever it rains.”

As he reached into his wallet, he briefly paused and asked the pharmacist if they could make it three pain relief patches in total. Three pain relief patches squeezed into his already stuffed backpack full of books. I found myself taken aback by the unusual scene, and my gaze drifted to the rain-soaked scenery outside. It clicked with a delayed realization.

Even though it’s June, the monsoon will soon come. And before the rainy season starts, Ji Seon-uk will leave. So this was his way of preparing for a parting that would occur in his absence, for the village chief.

Even for me, who was the closest friend to him, he hadn’t mentioned the transfer, and here was Ji Seon-uk, who didn’t seem like someone about to leave. It felt shockingly big. It made me remember the things I had completely forgotten.

I found myself contemplating what Ji Seon-uk meant to me, but in doing so, I didn’t reflect on what he valued while living here. It could never be about me, or Kang Youngsoo, or even Young-eun or An Hui-yeon.

‘Do you know why your parents, who are perfectly alive, have left you and why you ended up living with your grandpa like this?’

‘…….’

‘It’s because there’s no one wondering about me. No one worrying about whether I’m doing well or what time I come home.’

As I watched Ji Seon-uk accept the change from the cashier, I vacantly thought.

This parting isn’t easy for you either. You seemed fine even the day after separating from your parents when you came down here, yet perhaps you were feeling that way inside.

Back then and even now, adults have made choices for you without your consent. You’re given just enough time to stock up on pain relief patches like this. I know from experience how frustrating that can be. If there’s anything different, it’s that you can’t rebel like me and obediently go along with it like a model student.

With his backpack draped over his back, Ji Seon-uk looked back to ask where I was going. I guess he thought that since his errands were finished, it was my turn to take care of mine. Knowing that he would question me if I left without buying anything, I suggested we head to a nearby bookstore and bought a pack of mechanical pencil leads. By the time we came out of the bookstore, the rain had intensified even more. Raindrops raced across the bus window without a moment to settle. In the opaque glass, I caught a glimpse of Ji Seon-uk’s profile. I recalled how I had frequently visited him with the excuse of not having any pencil leads back then, but since I had bought some like this right in front of him, that excuse was now invalid. I tightened my grip around the container of pencil leads. Even though I knew they wouldn’t break, it was pointless.

On rainy days, my dad would sulk even more. I clearly saw that his car was outside, yet he wasn’t in the living room or the bedroom, and as expected, he had holed himself up in my mother’s hobby room. He had hurled all her belongings out under the pretext of throwing them away for my sake, but that was the only place that he hadn’t touched. The space was so cramped that not even a bed could fit. It was a reflection of my mom’s taste, the one who used to say how romantic this space was while happily talking about it.

“… Dad.”

Sitting in a daze on the single couch in front of the video player, my dad didn’t acknowledge me until a few moments after I called.

“… O-oh, you’re here! When did you come in!”

Though the videos that were on his lap fell in a clattering mess, my dad hurried to his feet, raising his voice as if it was more important to explain this foolishness than to notice me.

“This is… it’s not what you think; I think I need to clean this room…!”

Seeing his desperate state for a moment felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. I dropped my school bag to the floor and stepped inside completely. This was the first time I had entered this room since my mother’s death. I could sense my dad’s agitation as he glanced at me keenly, aware that I would remember. I stubbornly shot back at him and turned my gaze away.

“Who’s saying anything?”

“…….”

“How far did you watch? Don’t sulk alone; let’s watch together.”

My dad looked somewhat at a loss for words. After hesitating to answer, I picked up the small remote that had fallen on the floor and pressed the rewind button. Thankfully, it hadn’t been long since it started playing, so before long, the tape began to replay from the start.

I leaned against the single couch, leaving my dad standing up. When I pressed the play button, the slow jazz music that I had heard a thousand times filled the air. This was a movie my mother loved so much that even when I could barely manage my body, she would lie beside me while watching it. Because of that, I could even mumble the lines along to the timing though I didn’t fully understand their meaning.

After a little more waiting, I could hear the couch behind me sink back deeply. Through the small window, I heard the rain pattering against the glass. Both of us faced forward, yet in truth, we were looking back. To see someone who could never come back here again, this was how it had to be. My dad and I had entered this room to trace our memories in our own way.

[I can give up everything I have for you.]

The actor my mother adored recited her favorite line in this film. Mimicking his lips, I remembered how my mom would smile and tell me each time I would fake retch whenever I heard this line.

‘Honey, you haven’t met someone you like enough to give up something for yet. You don’t understand how great that is, do you?’

For someone like me, whose motto was that action led to life, the word “give up” was akin to failure. I didn’t have many things that I treasured enough to feel regret about giving up. That’s why I couldn’t afford to let go of them.

“Dad.”

My dad turned to me. I didn’t look at him. Instead, I opened my mouth once more.

“I don’t want Seon-uk to leave.”

Going through the experience of someone I can’t let go of disappearing from my life was enough with just one time. The process was so painful and agonizing that I thought I would rather die than experience it a second time.