FBF chapter 15 part 2

“…Father?”

As soon as I uttered those words, the man stood up. The moment I saw his smiling face while on the phone, I felt completely deflated. His face was so unfamiliar that I couldn’t even remember the last time we had met. I stood still, covering my face with my hands.

What was he doing here? Even if I met him, I wouldn’t know what to say. Ultimately, I turned to leave. My head was spinning. I got into the car and leaned my head against the headrest, closing my eyes. Like my father’s existence, the things I had tried so hard not to focus on crowded in on me. Soon I would have to meet Lee Jihoon and talk, but I hadn’t even figured out what to say yet. And I realized I also had to return to the police headquarters. There was still so much to handle.

‘We’ll hit hard on the Kim Myung-rim Gate and Choi Hyuk-jun case in the 9 o’clock news.’

Before leaving the police station, the team leader’s words came back to me. I was taken aback by the unexpected timing; however, having Choi Hyuk-jun come to the forefront wouldn’t be a bad thing for him. He could even use that fact to strike back at Choi Jeong-ho. The team leader didn’t seem displeased when he mentioned it, perhaps knowing this. What remained was a battle of evidence. The proof I found at Choi Hyuk-jun’s house would become the key clue in the case. Speaking of which, I needed to review that evidence file one more time…

Priorities kept clashing in my head. Lee Jihoon was undoubtedly my top priority, but even within the time he had granted me, I couldn’t come to any solid conclusions, and I found myself trying to ignore that fact. Even amidst the frantic pace, I couldn’t let go of my thoughts about Lee Jihoon. Every time I found a moment, memories of that day’s kiss, the flickering look in Lee Jihoon’s eyes, and his suggestion to be honest came back to me. The more I mulled it over, the more convoluted it became.

Where was I wandering around? No matter how hard I tried to think, it only seemed like you were trying to lead me astray on purpose. Mimicking the sort of skinship that lovers would do, convincing me that you could go this far for me.

What I had experienced that day was too ambiguous to be considered either instinct or proof. What was certain was that I had no solid evidence. I couldn’t be sure of anything regarding Lee Jihoon, who seemed to be already catching on. My head throbbed painfully. I sighed after thunking my head against the steering wheel one more time before glancing down.

Kang Youngsoo

Seon-uk, are you off work??? 7:04 PM

Thanks to you, I wrapped up my day off and finally went to visit Lee Ji-dok’s house, haha. I contacted you to report back. 7:05 PM

Oh right, the house renovations are finished, right?

It’s clean, huh? The three households’ lives are finally over >< 7:06 PM

Still, since I went, I filled the fridge like a diligent bachelor and sorted through the mail and all that.

Good job! 7:07 PM

It was sheer coincidence that I picked up my phone and saw Kang Youngsoo's message at the top. Yet at this moment, it felt almost fateful. I had never pried into anything Lee Jihoon was trying to hide from me. He was someone who generally didn’t hide things, and sometimes it felt overwhelming just to see what was openly revealed.

‘Is there any more conclusive empirical evidence than behaving so unusually conscious of what one usually does, I wonder?’

I recalled a remark Lee Jihoon had made regarding Kang Youngsoo when he was acting oddly. Perhaps that could apply to Lee Jihoon himself.

A place where there is a Lee Jihoon I don't know. Even though he had given me the password, I had never tried to enter it myself. I always regarded that place as a space I shouldn’t visit. Ever since the housewarming he hosted right after moving in, and when I stopped by to drop off a drunken Kang Youngsoo, I hadn’t been near since.

Perhaps there was some evidence I had overlooked there. My intuition told me I needed to check that place. I threw my phone into the passenger seat and grasped the steering wheel. I had to go to Lee Jihoon’s house.

It was true that the renovations were complete. The area in front of Lee Jihoon’s house was tidy. It was different from when construction materials were scattered everywhere. Looking at the well-organized front of the house, I placed my hand on the door lock.

321516. I entered the number I had thoroughly memorized into the lock.

With a beep, the door opened effortlessly. I paused for a moment, grasping the doorknob, taking a deep breath before stepping inside.

“…”

The stillness inside, indicating that the owner wasn’t home, met me. If not for the entrance light that lit the way in, it would have been total darkness. I slowly took off my shoes and cautiously stepped inside.

The house was tidier than I remembered. There wasn’t even the common smell of paint, leading me to conclude that the renovations had been completed quite some time ago.

The only thing that stood out in the neatly organized house was the delivery box placed beside the sofa. It was undoubtedly left by Kang Youngsoo. As if confirming the earlier claim that he had mixed up the belongings of Kang Youngsoo and Lee Jihoon, I glanced at the living supplies in the box, which bore the marks of being ripped open, then turned my attention.

My gaze landed on the mail that was carelessly laid out on the table in front of the sofa. I recalled that Kang Youngsoo mentioned he had organized this as well. It was strange when I thought about it. True to his meticulous nature, Lee Jihoon had even changed the address for mail to our home. I was aware of it because on nights when I came home late, he would have organized the mail and left it on the table.

To verify that it wasn’t just my mistaken belief, there was only one piece of mail piled in front of this house during the two months Lee Jihoon had been away. It made Kang Youngsoo’s claim of having organized it feel somewhat like boasting.

Perhaps it had been mail from long ago, and he hadn’t had the chance to change the address, or he must have deliberately sent it here.

Though I thought the electronic possibility was higher, I couldn’t tear my focus away from the mail. The piece of mail wasn’t in a regular rectangular envelope. Instead, it was stacked on a magazine wrapped in transparent plastic, with a sticky note stuck to it.

[Dear Senior, it was delivered to the modified address directly.♥

Thank you once again for agreeing to the interview. I regret having to ask for additional shooting on such short notice… We were all touched… This is a warm rough draft delivered straight from the printing house, so please be lenient if there are shortcomings. I will contact you again!

– Jeong Hyun, editor of ‘Monthly Sky’ and junior of the Aviation Operations Department.]

Just from reading the words on the sticky note, I could vaguely understand what magazine it was and why it was delivered to Lee Jihoon. It easily reminded me of what Lee Jihoon had mentioned: that he was asked for an additional interview by his junior classmates. It appeared that a rough draft had been completed since the matter arose last week.

Most of all, my gaze lingered on the phrase “the modified address.” In contrast to the thoughts leaning toward the electronic possibility, the latter assumption became more certain.

Lee Jihoon had modified the address to send the magazine containing his interview here.

I stared at the cover of the magazine visible through the plastic. It was clearly an aviation magazine, with a large image of an airplane prominently displayed. As I stared at it for quite a while, I recalled having seen a similar magazine before.

‘I had a nightmare.’

The day he declared he would enter my place while taking a break from work, I remembered that Lee Jihoon had been sitting in the living room waiting for me, with the magazine open on his lap.

I realized that this was also something Lee Jihoon had always had, but I had never taken a detailed look at it. Particularly this time, it was notable that he had gone out of his way to hide it.

My hand trembled as I peeled off the plastic. I knew it was an irrational and unauthorized action, but I could not stop. No, I was quicker to act before the voice that urged me to stop could truly settle in.

The magazine was revealed between the plastic. As if to prove they had just taken it from the printing house, the magazine felt so stiff that even touching it felt like a transgression. Lee Jihoon had said it was a promotional magazine published by the school as if it were no big deal, but it was actually quite serious. A big yellow typography summarizing the magazine's contents was prominently placed on the cover.

Alumni Interview

– First Officer Lee Jihoon of SS Airlines

Though there was no one there to shake me, I found my gaze and hands slipping downward as I lost focus just a moment. I concentrated my grip and began to turn the pages. I couldn’t let anything slip by. I needed to confirm it with my own eyes.

My hand stopped shortly after turning only a few pages. A photograph captured Lee Jihoon’s face so large that it filled one entire side of the page, taken in a studio. Clad in uniform except for his jacket, he was facing the camera. With his hands stuffed into his pockets and standing with his shoulders back, he wore a neat yet slightly challenging smile. There was no sign of dimples on his cheeks.

After locking eyes with him in the photo for quite a while, I lowered my head.

The interview continued on the following pages, excluding the face page, consisting of about two pages of text. It briefly introduced Lee Jihoon’s experience and current work, followed by a dialogue in an interview format with his junior interviewer.

(Jung Hyun) Thank you so much for coming out here. To be honest, I didn’t expect you to agree, so I was really thrilled to hear you would.

(Lee Jihoon) You were very earnest when you reached out, considering the effort you put into it. (laughs) You even mentioned letters I wrote while I was in the army… It felt like I would be committing treason if I didn’t show up.

(Yewon) You wrote letters while in the army? I’ve gathered quite a few anecdotes while working in the editorial department, but I’ve never heard that before.

(Jung Hyun) I have to confess something. Back then, there were quite a few people among my peers who had a crush on Senior Jihoon. I was just in the study room, but when I came to my senses, I found myself carefully putting letters that had gathered in the mailbox, one by one, along with the reason that I was the class president. You probably don’t even remember my letter because there were so many. But I just hope you recognize the urgency with which I was reaching out for an invitation.

(Lee Jihoon) I remember.

(Jung Hyun) My letter?

(Lee Jihoon) Yes. It was the first time I received a letter from a male junior, and I knew right away because it was pretty obvious you hadn’t put much effort into it. There was ink smeared all over the place. It seemed like you had nothing meaningful to say. “Do you like Choco Pie, Senior?” was something like that.

(Yewon) Haha.

(Jung Hyun) Just to defend myself, I thought any soldier liked Choco Pie. I apologize for that. Oh, but thinking about it, why didn’t you buy me a meal like you did with the other juniors who wrote letters instead of me?

(Lee Jihoon) There wasn’t a meal on par with the effort you put into that letter.

(Jung Hyun) I have to admit that too. Let me apologize one more time. Now that you’ve made time out of your busy schedule to come out, it’s time we get to the main topic. The show you participated in, "FLY YOURSELF!", is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year. Thanks to Senior Jihoon, who was a participant in the 2nd edition, many juniors have gone to the U.S. since then, and they are still striving to be like you. What are your reflections on this?

(Lee Jihoon) It feels a bit too much for me to be praised so highly just for an interview. I just cleared the stones that were in my way to move forward. It was entirely for myself, so being praised for paving the road feels like an act without conscience.

(Jung Hyun) We see it as paving the road. I heard that your honest feedback submitted to the school after participating in the program has been widely reflected in subsequent activities. Support from the school compared to the 2nd edition has doubled. I believe now participants even receive some living expenses.

(Lee Jihoon) That’s good to hear. (laughs) I just hope everyone is doing their best in their respective positions. If they do that, paths will open up for anything. If that path happens to be a runway, I couldn’t wish for anything more.

I could almost hear Lee Jihoon’s tone. I could visualize him chuckling lightly at juniors who occasionally went overboard in praising him, and at times deeply empathizing with their hardships, nodding seriously at them.

The interview progressed through a few more exchanges before reaching its conclusion. The moment I confirmed that it was the last question, I felt a slight pang of regret.

(Yewon) Unfortunately, it seems our time for Senior is coming to an end. There’s only one last segment left.

(Jung Hyun) Personally, I am really looking forward to how you'll react in this segment.

(Lee Jihoon) I hadn’t thought about anything until you said that. Is it okay for me to leave now?

(Yewon) No, you cannot. Just one last question; you must answer this. Here it is, the segment named, “Senior, please tell us about your first love~~”.

(Lee Jihoon) Now I slowly understand why you had to go so far as to plead for me to come here. How many subscribers do you have on your YouTube channel now?

(Jung Hyun) 132…

(Lee Jihoon) Surely that must be more than the 200 new students each year.

(Jung Hyun) Haha. You really hit a sore spot. We’re trying hard, and we hope your interview will help to increase that number; thus, you absolutely have to answer this question.

(Yewon) This segment has some history. We’ve been running it long before similar memes became popular on social media. Even professors couldn’t evade this segment.

(Jung Hyun) I doubt anyone has lived without a first love. Please tell us clearly.

(Lee Jihoon) I don’t have one.

(Jung Hyun) If you’ve never been in love, that’s not possible.

(Lee Jihoon) It’s possible if it failed before even starting it.

(Jung Hyun) A failed love can still be a first love. In fact, it is rarer to have a successful first love.

(Lee Jihoon) I don’t think so. I don’t want to use the word ‘love’ for something that I squashed before even defining it as love.

(Yewon) Then instead of your first love, I want to hear about those things that you squashed before they even started. Why did you crush them?

(Lee Jihoon) If I handed it over, it would feel like it would get tossed aside, and if I held onto it, it would feel like ice cream melting. No one would like that kind of thing. I thought it would be better to toss it away before my hands get sticky.

My hand gripping the magazine trembled. No, that can't be true. Muttering to myself about not knowing who the words were directed at, I strengthened my grip on the magazine. My eyes quivered, and I felt a nervous tremor. My vision started to blur.

Yet, I kept searching for the next line to read. I needed to know this too. Now that I was in this house, I had to know about the side of Lee Jihoon that I didn’t know.

(Jung Hyun) I can’t quite imagine you saying that, but it still hurts my heart. Was it perhaps to be next to that person?

(Lee Jihoon) It was. And I also wished to be beside that friend for a long time. I thought that for that friend to be happy, that was the way.

(Yewon) If that's the reason, it’s a pity. Can’t you be happy alongside that friend?

(Lee Jihoon) I don't know. I guess I’d have to ask, but I haven't had the chance to ask since then.

(Jung Hyun) Do you perhaps have any plans to confess now? That person might see this magazine.

(Lee Jihoon) I feel sorry for both of them, but my busy friend doesn’t have the time to see such magazines. And I don't want to inform them by confirming it. If I say it, I want to say it myself.

(Jung Hyun) Does that mean you’re preparing for it?

(Lee Jihoon) I’m already talking to them, handmade love. I think that will prevent any problems.

(Jung Hyun) It feels like you’re deliberately trying to confuse us. That ‘handmade love’… is that that person?

(Lee Jihoon) (laughs) I’d like to stop talking about that now. You promised just one question.

(Jung Hyun) Then just one last one. If by any chance that person who you liked might see this magazine, could you give us a hint so they can be sure it’s them?

(Lee Jihoon) 16.

(Yewon) Senior, there are far too many 16s in the world. Even the bus I took to get here today was number 16.

(Lee Jihoon) It doesn’t matter. To me, there’s only one.

Without even picking up the magazine that had slipped from my hands, I lowered my head. It was only then that I realized I had been crying while reading the interview. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

‘Ji Seon-uk.’

I remembered the last moment when Lee Jihoon had asked me if I was happy.

“Are you happy?”

That was back in our 3rd year of middle school. And my locker number was 16 then.

With the characters ‘Lee’ and ‘Ji’ assigned by name order to every locker number, we had always been close. I was the one who sought out the seat next to Lee Jihoon every time we moved classes, and he was the one who would look for the empty seat next to me.

Only then did I realize where I stood. I was right above the heart of that boy I had never dared to step into.

The sound of suitcase wheels rolling echoed in my ears. Though during the day countless people passed by, not looking back at one another, I realized those wheels were rolling toward me.

I spotted Lee Jihoon walking toward me from a distance. With a pale face, he hurriedly pulled his suitcase, not looking around at all. Like someone who needed to get somewhere urgently. Fixated on the front, pulling the suitcase impatiently, it only came to a halt when his gaze landed on me leaning against my car.

At Parking Tower B3 of Terminal 1, Zone D, I slowly removed my body from leaning against the hood.

Lee Jihoon’s expression turned blank when he spotted me. It was as if he didn’t expect to see me waiting here; the moment he opened and closed his eyes, a look of fear crossed his face, as if he might vanish at any moment, and he stared at me, hardly blinking.

The sound of wheels rolling came from somewhere. It wasn’t in our area. After that sound passed, Lee Jihoon opened his mouth.

“I have something to ask.”

Immediately after speaking, he threw down his suitcase. He took a step closer. His tousled hair fell over his forehead, and the tie he wore was all askew.

“I promise to answer honestly.”

He stepped closer again. His eyes reddened as he spoke.

Seeing him, who seemed to have wandered around just as much as I had, I uttered the words I had prepared long ago.

“I promise.”

Lee Jihoon came another step closer.

“When you came to New York, did you pay my rent without telling me?”

The information he uncovered, which I myself had forgotten, made him tremble as if he could not shoulder the weight of those words. The reflection of me in Lee Jihoon’s eyes was probably no different. Without breaking eye contact with him, I nodded.

Lee Jihoon took another step closer.

“You caught Choi Hyuk-jun, didn’t you?”

Hearing Choi Hyuk-jun’s name fall from Lee Jihoon's mouth a decade later surfaced forgotten business in my priority list. The 9 o'clock news would soon turn into the 10 o’clock news, the headline article on a portal site, and gossip among passing passengers. As I recalled the routes through which Lee Jihoon might have encountered that information, what he had said in the interview became entirely clear.

Right. He shouldn’t have learned that through such a process. I should have been the one to tell him. That conversation should have been necessary for us. That conviction you sought after me might have been found through such discussions.

Despite belated regrets, I nodded. Even before I could do anything, Lee Jihoon took another step closer. Now there was barely a palm's width left between us.

Yet instead of reaching out to hold one another, we ask.

“Why did you do that?”

Understanding that the answer was more important than every step we would take from now on.

I see myself caught in his eyes as he asks. For the first time, I spoke to the me inside him. It was okay to say it honestly.

“Because it was you.”

As we wandered within the same space, we had never tried to catch any signals from others standing on the same path, as if searching for love like blind people, we came to a halt right in front of each other, holding our breath as if afraid someone might hear us.

“Because it was you… I did it.”

I needed to tell him that so many events that had driven my life would never have happened if it had not been for him.

If that couldn’t be said, I could at least take a deep breath as if to announce that I was standing on that path.

That inability had us both wandering. Believing we were in those unreachable places, we struggled only to walk toward signs that seemed to lead the way.