FBF chapter 12 part 4

My phone, where is my phone? It was only when I fumbled through my pockets that I realized I had no burden at all. I couldn’t tell if I had left it in the taxi or on the bus. The only thing I was sure of was that I didn’t have my phone.

I closed my eyes once again before opening them.

And…

“…Lee Jihoon?”

He was there.

The moment I spoke his name aloud, I realized my voice was trembling uncontrollably. The quiet call that disappeared upon meeting the air was, however, enough for the person who had cautiously closed the hospital door and turned around to spot me.

Lee Jihoon slowly turned around, holding a humidifier in his hand. I confirmed the name on the door of the hospital room he had just exited.

Patient: Ji Cheong-woo.

Only after reading my grandfather’s name, written in block letters, twice did I realize that I had indeed found the right place. I had found the right place, but I also didn’t truly wish to see his name here.

The sense of reality that I had forgotten due to the overwhelming fear returned belatedly. The circumstances I faced pushed me to the edge of a cliff. I lifted my gaze, which had been looking down at an incomprehensible abyss.

“Grandfather, it’s okay.”

“……”

“The surgery went well, and he has regained consciousness.”

It was only when I confirmed the person extending a hand to keep me from falling that I finally gasped.

“Why….”

Facing Lee Jihoon made the forgotten sensations resurface.

“Why are you here?”

As the heartbeat returned, I felt a tingling in my hands. Like someone who had been frozen for a long time finally thawing, the cells within my body began to awaken one by one. It was only after regaining my senses that I realized I had rushed here in just a training outfit this winter.

I had been outside for six hours, yet I was unaware of the cold. Therefore, it was only natural that I could not help but ask in a shivering voice.

“I waited for you.”

The inevitable answer that followed shattered me.

My vision narrowed as Lee Jihoon’s slippers approached. He must have put the humidifier down since he was now empty-handed. The reason for that was to place his hand on my shoulder, trying to share warmth with me as I stood there trembling.

“If you came and there was no one….”

I looked up. Even through my tear-clouded vision, Lee Jihoon stood out clearly. The moment our eyes met, he paused briefly. It seemed that he found something he knew within my eyes that he hadn’t seen for six months. Lee Jihoon, crinkling his eyes as if he was about to cry, released the lips he had been biting.

“I thought it would be too lonely.”

I saw his Adam’s apple move prominently.

“I can’t bear to see you like this.”

He muttered that like a vow and took another step closer, carefully embracing me. I buried my head in his shoulder and let my head droop, surrendering to gravity. Tears fell as if I had been waiting for that moment.

They said my grandfather collapsed while working. If Lee Jihoon’s father hadn’t stopped by the security room earlier than usual, he would have been discovered much later. The hospital explained to Lee Jihoon’s father that one of my grandfather’s blood vessels in the brain was blocked, which caused him to collapse due to the lack of blood supply to the brain. An emergency surgery was promptly conducted to improve the flow of blood. Still, he had been brought to the hospital shortly after collapsing, and it was said that the surgery went smoothly since my grandfather had faintly regained consciousness.

It was a two-person hospital room. Due to the large curtains surrounding each bed, I couldn’t see the face of the other patient sharing the room. Yet, as I listened to Lee Jihoon talk softly as if to take care of him, I stared blankly at my grandfather. He looked as if he was suffering despite the surgery being over, sleeping with a frown on his face. Looking at his face, which appeared even thinner than the last time I saw him during Chuseok, made me want to cry, so I lowered my head. Nevertheless, my grandfather remained turned slightly towards the left window, as he always did when he fell asleep at home. The fact that his body remembered the habit seemed to prove that he had regained consciousness. Just that was a relief. I didn’t even dare to touch his hand with the fear that he might wake up, and I left the hospital room. I could sense Lee Jihoon following me, but I didn’t stop him.

Just being out for a moment made me feel the chilly winter night even in my nostrils. There was no one at the bench next to the parking lot behind the hospital. I stared blankly at Lee Jihoon, who was sitting on the bench under the streetlight, making a phone call.

“Yes, that’s correct.”

The moment he heard that my luggage had been lost, he asked if I remembered the taxi number we had taken. He was now on the phone with a terminal employee after going through the taxi company. I knew I should do something, but all I could do was watch him. A feeling of exhaustion overwhelmed me, as if all my energy had drained out of my body. It was only after seeing my grandfather that the tension I had been holding suddenly mixed with fatigue and hit me. I thought I wanted to sleep as I stared at the streetlight emitting a yellow light. I seemed to have been so focused on trying to keep myself awake that I was only belatedly aware of the fact that the phone call had ended. Before I knew it, Lee Jihoon was beside me.

“The driver said he left it at the lost and found at the terminal an hour ago. It’s the black Nike bag you carry on your side, right?”

“…Ah, yeah.”

“……”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll tell my dad to drop by the hospital tomorrow and pick it up.”

“No. I can go. It’s not like my father is busy or anything….”

“Hey.”

With a dissatisfied expression, Lee Jihoon interrupted me, but the moment our eyes met, he shut his mouth and chose his words carefully. After hesitating for a while, he finally spoke after he felt he had taken all the thorns out of his words.

“Just like you are special to me, my grandpa is special to my dad.”

“……”

“While he would want to help in whatever way he could, it wouldn’t happen without sincere feelings.”

That was a statement that sounded like he had carefully picked out only the finest grains from a pile of things he wanted to say. Specialness. I slowly nodded, recalling that Lee Jihoon’s actions of keeping my grandfather company during the time I couldn’t were not something an ordinary friend could do.

Lee Jihoon was right. It was something special and something that couldn’t be done unless there were feelings involved.

“…Yeah. Thank you.”

Though it seemed like saying thanks displeased Lee Jihoon, he chose to sit beside me without a word. We sat side by side, wasting time looking ahead. We had parted in such a manner back in summer and finally met again in winter. Considering the time we had both been out of each other’s lives, many unshared updates were piling up. Even though we knew we had to talk about it, we were like people who couldn’t figure out what story to start with as we fell silent.

Looking down, it was only when I saw Lee Jihoon’s slippers again that I finally raised my head. Lee Jihoon was staring blankly ahead, with an unreadable expression on his face.

“…What about school?”

Now that I thought about it, it was strange. Although it was December, with Kang Youngsoo in mind as well, regular universities were not at the end of the semester yet. While he attended a school with a different curriculum, seeing Lee Jihoon here so casually, living in a dormitory, was odd.

Casting a quick glance back at me, Lee Jihoon turned his head back again. The reason for the thoughtful expression while fidgeting with the back of his neck soon flowed from his mouth.

“I don’t know where to start but….”

“……”

“I dropped out of school.”

“What?”

I was shocked enough to feel as though I had been suddenly awakened. I could never have imagined this level of event occurring, no matter how much I hadn’t been in touch with him. Despite announcing such a bombshell, Lee Jihoon seemed unfazed. He must have made that decision for a reason, yet he appeared utterly unaffected by whatever it was. With the heel of his slipper tap-tapping against the ground, he nonchalantly added further explanation.

“It’s been a while. I submitted the withdrawal application two months ago and came down to Taean.”

“……”

“Oh, and I took the college entrance exam too. I didn’t study much and worried about entering the exam room, but when I actually saw the questions, they seemed familiar. Maybe that’s why the results weren’t too bad. Last year’s Korean exam must have been really difficult, though.”

Information about him, which I had been unaware of, poured forth. I stopped visibly expressing my surprise at the downpour of news and managed to control my expression. I still wasn’t sure how to respond, but I could tell he had been through a lot during the time I hadn’t seen him.

Lee Jihoon’s words were honest. As a price for not sharing our daily lives, we had distilled the importance of the countless incidents that could have occurred during our time apart. That was, quite unexpectedly, a painful thing to think about.

Lee Jihoon had aimed for the Air Force Academy throughout high school and studied diligently. He didn’t fail to put in consistent efforts that he couldn’t even count, aligning everything toward that goal. There must have been countless deliberations before he ultimately decided to give up the results he had achieved. Those nights of Lee Jihoon that I had not known.

I found my heart caught in an unforeseen aspect. I extended my hand towards the profile of Lee Jihoon beside me. The moment my hand touched his shoulder, I felt him flinch slightly. Aware of this, instead of withdrawing my hand, I slowly met his gaze as he looked back at me.

“…You worked hard.”

“……”

“It must have been difficult. You must have had a lot on your mind.”

I lightly patted his back a couple of times before removing my hand. Lee Jihoon continued to look at me. I quietly asked, not avoiding his gaze.

“What do you want to do in the future?”

I would be alongside him. Even though I couldn’t always partake in the many journeys he would take on, I still wanted to listen to that story next to him and follow him from behind, just not too late.

Even without speaking those words, Lee Jihoon seemed to sense that I had already decided to include myself in that future the moment I laid my hand on his shoulder and met his gaze. A smile like a rainbow appearing after rain slowly blossomed on his face, which had been blinking rapidly. It emerged like Indian summer on the yellow light of the streetlamp.

“…Flying.”

It might seem like an odd phrase for someone who dropped out of the Air Force Academy, but it was a compelling statement to me, who remembered his romantic aspirations. Yes, as Lee Jihoon had once said, school was simply a goal for him, not a dream.

I wanted to tell him that no matter what decision he made, I believed in him and would support him. I recalled that, while I had always thought this, I had never actually expressed it in words. While reflecting on that notion of specialness, I convinced myself that I could say this much to someone who had done so much for me. Perhaps that was why it came out more easily than the hesitation I used to feel.

“You’ll do well. It will work out.”

Nodding along as if mirroring me, Lee Jihoon replied with determination.

“Yeah, I’ll do well.”

Maybe that decision was more for me than for Lee Jihoon. His happiness was intertwined with my happiness. Just like how Lee Jihoon, who considered my misfortune as his own, had acted today.

No matter how much I tried to deny it, we were connected. I realized that the line we stood on was tougher and more resilient than I had thought, and I regained my balance. Just by trying to attempt something, the line, which had been wavering, finally stopped oscillating and settled quietly. I tried my best not to look down and focused instead on Lee Jihoon in front of me. I hoped that this state would hopefully continue from now on.

* * *

My grandfather was discharged three weeks after the surgery. The hospital suggested monitoring his progress a bit longer while he was admitted, but they couldn’t stop him when he insisted on outpatient treatment after discharge. They probably couldn’t argue since they had praised his recovery speed, which was remarkably swift for a man his age. It was by the time the left side of his face, momentarily paralyzed due to a cerebral infarction, was almost completely back to normal. Even so, while the doctor earnestly advised him to come for physical therapy often and to undergo regular check-ups, my grandfather nodded with an unimpressed expression.

Dressed in everyday clothes, my grandfather walked with a cane resembling a crutch, dragging his left leg slightly, but he could walk over to the maru without any difficulty. While my grandfather was in the hospital, Lee Jihoon’s father had demolished part of the maru to create a ramp. While he scolded Lee Jihoon’s father for doing what he deemed useless in the midst of his busy schedule, he also utilized the ramp neatly, going back and forth between the yard and the house like usual.

I didn’t return to school. Thankfully, most of the tests had already been taken by the time I had gone for training, and only one class, the one from Professor Jung, remained. When I sent him an explanatory email, he replied right away with a simple message not to worry about my grades and to take good care of my grandfather. From the fact that the contact had reached him, I could tell that he got wind of the messages which had been locked away.

My senior friends, who had been with me at the base camp, also contacted me after returning to school. I sent back a message of uncertainty regarding when I would be coming back as I glanced briefly over at the maru where my grandfather was sitting. The moment I stood next to the hospital bed, he had immediately asked about school, making it clear that he was worried about me not going back. I felt he would get angry if I mentioned that I was considering submitting a leave of absence for the next semester, so I held back my words. The doctor emphasized that my grandfather needed to rest even after discharge. He should not be allowed to get excited. I was aware that my grandfather, who did not exhibit strong emotional outbursts, would sometimes be sensitive about protecting me. He seemed to believe that my not returning to school due to his illness would mean he had failed in his role as my guardian, and it manifested a sort of self-reproach. Knowing this, I had to pretend not to see it.

Someone might call that selfish, but once my grandfather collapsed, I was unwilling to be by his side just once. I had no courage to go through it a second time. Knowing that, the people around me couldn’t tell me to return to school.

Among those was Lee Jihoon. Recently, after submitting his college application and waiting for the results, Lee Jihoon had been coming to my house frequently. It felt like we were seeing each other even more than when we were in high school.

Now, he was sitting in my room like it was his own place, and he asked as I walked out of the shower.

“Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“Let’s eat then.”

From the way he spoke, it seemed like Lee Jihoon’s father had packed some side dishes again today. Just as I was about to follow him as he started to get up, I suddenly noticed the box placed beside the door. It was likely brought by Lee Jihoon as it hadn’t been there before. Perhaps sensing my gaze, Lee Jihoon turned to the box and explained.

“It was just left out front.”

“…Is this for me?”

“It had your name written on it.”

I thought it was strange since I hadn’t ordered anything and didn’t have anyone who would send me something. I approached the box curiously, realizing, just as Lee Jihoon mentioned, that my name was indeed inscribed under ‘Recipient.’ As I checked the ‘Sender’ line written above it as if it were a natural process, I froze.

Kim Soobin. A name I couldn’t possibly not recognize.

As if in a trance, I crouched down in front of the box. Reflecting the personality of whoever had wrapped it, the neatly applied tape revealed the items inside as I tore it open. It contained neatly organized items, from underwear to casual clothes I often wore, books I liked to read, and even my toothbrush. It looked like she had tidied my room and packed things that might be immediately needed since I couldn’t return to school. Though I thought that was the kind of consideration she could give, it also made me feel undeserving. Now that I think about it, she must have heard the rumors.

“Who is it?”

Hearing Lee Jihoon’s question made me realize he hadn’t exited the room yet. He wasn’t standing as close as I was to the box, but it wouldn’t have been difficult for him to read the name written on top. As expected, his gaze was fixed on the senior’s name etched on the half-opened box.

I tried to pass it off as an older student from school. It wasn’t a lie either. But suddenly, my eyes froze on the vitamins placed atop the dogi. It was something I hadn’t bought myself. The moment I checked the yellow sticky note attached to it, I felt breathless.

[I’ll pray for your speedy recovery. Take care of yourself too.]

She was a warm-hearted person in a way that I couldn’t emulate. I stared at the note a while longer and carefully tucked it between the books beside me. I could feel Lee Jihoon’s presence. To give him an answer while he was waiting for me, I finally managed to reply slowly.

“The person who… was closest to me this semester.”

It felt too much of a compliment to call her just a senior. I closed the box again and turned back to Lee Jihoon. I gently tapped his shoulder to urge him.

“What are you doing? You said we were going to eat.”

“Ah… yeah. We should.”

Lee Jihoon, who looked stunned as if lost in thought, immediately turned around. I soon followed behind him after glancing around the room one more time.

* * *

“I am seriously… I am so sad.”

Kang Youngsoo had been crying for an hour, rambling on about the same thing. I had felt uneasy since the moment he, who had come to greet my grandfather before heading to the military, had collapsed on the floor crying the moment my grandfather casually handed him some pocket money. However, since he had confidently declared that we should have fun together once today while leaving the house, I thought he was fine. Now, as it was the end of the year, we still roamed around bars packed to capacity, settling on a humble pub in the furthest corner of Taean city turned out to be an excellent choice. Other than the owner glancing at Kang Youngsoo’s tear-streaked face, no one seemed to focus on his drunken ramblings.

“It’s great to protect the country. But if I protect the country, huh? Who will protect my mom, my pig, and Grandpa Woo?”

“Why are you leaving out my dad?”

“Right. Uncle Hoon too. Huh? Just thinking about that makes me so, so sad that I can’t sleep. I really, like, even lying down I’m crying. I really, this money, what do I do with it? Huh? I can’t use it, not at all! I’ll give it back a hundred, no, a thousandfold! Huh? Grandpa, do you trust me? Hurry and call Grandpa to tell him to believe me! Quick! I’m in a hurry. I’m enlisting in two days, damn it! I have to get my hair cut super short too! Minji told me to dye my hair… Speaking of which, where is Minji? What is she doing? Would she think of me? If I say I’m going to the military, will she tell me to come back safely? What about that fucking brat Hoon? What do you think?”

Even amidst all of this, it was clear that Lee Jihoon was not completely out of his mind, picking on him as usual. It was remarkable that he could repeat the same words over and over like a medley. It was a cycle where Lee Jihoon, who had been showing patience due to the little time left for Kang Youngsoo’s enlistment, finally snapped and threw the popcorn at him, and Kang Youngsoo, receiving it, started crying and ranting again. I sighed and glanced outside. It was close to midnight. I felt we should leave before Kang Youngsoo’s rambling went another round. I turned my head and met Lee Jihoon’s gaze. To my surprise, he wasn’t throwing popcorn at Kang Youngsoo’s face but instead asked quizzically.

“Is Minji the prehistoric Minji I know?”

“…I think so.”

The moment I hesitantly replied, remembering that Kang Youngsoo’s ex-girlfriend’s name was not Minji, Lee Jihoon clenched his jaw tightly. The popcorn swung like a fastball.

“Minji is probably sleeping by now, you bastard! It’s not a radio, so stop saying the same thing for the thousandth time!”

“Uuuuugh, Minji… Hoon, you bastard, hitting me… curse with me….”

Lee Jihoon swept his bangs up and turned to me. It was a question of what to do. I gestured towards the counter. An unspoken agreement was reached through our exchanged glances. While Lee Jihoon darted out to the counter to settle the bill, I lifted Kang Youngsoo up.