FBF chapter 12 part 3

I was told to meet him and that he wanted to talk. If I was okay with it, he would come to school. Even while seeing the message in the preview window, I didn’t enter the chat room with Lee Jihoon. A few hours later, another message arrived.

“It’s really not okay at all.”

He said he was sorry and that it was his fault.

I let that message remain unread as well. Then, I got into a fight with Jeong Hyun-jun. I pretended to protect my senior under the excuse of Hyun-jun’s provocation, acting like that was more important than checking Lee Jihoon’s message.

If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have done that; it was because of my senior. But both my senior and I knew it. If it wasn’t for Lee Jihoon in the first place, I wouldn’t even have done such a thing.

“It’s cowardly and selfish. It’s disgusting.”

I knew that even if I didn’t reply, Lee Jihoon would eventually come to find me. So I ran away. I asked my senior, whom I had never met outside, to go to the movies and left school early in the morning. Even though I knew he wouldn’t stay near school once visiting hours were over, I tried to kill time until late at night. My phone, which I had turned off since morning, remained tucked away in a drawer.

Looking at my senior, he lowered the umbrella he had been holding. It was a sign that the rain had stopped. He stared at my face, which was soaked even though it wasn’t raining anymore, and stepped a little closer.

The ends of his Converse shoes met the ends of my slippers. He placed his hand on my shoulder and murmured softly.

“…Don’t cry, Seon-uk-a.”

Instead of crying like usual, he spoke in a kinder voice than usual. I buried my head into his flat stomach and closed my eyes. Leaning against the firm body of my senior, who had no flesh, I shed all the tears I had been holding back.

“If you cry like that…”

“……”

“I can’t just leave you alone.”

As if proving the truth of his words, my senior gently stroked my hair until I stopped crying. It was the most honest dawn we had throughout that summer.

I cleared my throat. I took out my phone. I turned it on, staring at the flickering screen. As soon as the screen lit up, I pressed the keypad. Before the signal tone could even sound once, Lee Jihoon answered the phone.

“……”

-……

Hearing his breathing made me realize that I missed it that much. I blinked quickly, trying to shake off the tears that were welling up. Once I focused on the spot where the melted ice cream had been, I gathered enough courage to speak. It had been two months.

“Actually, on the day we were supposed to go to Gangneung, there was a training session all the freshmen had to attend.”

-……

“I thought it would be a good opportunity to see you all again, so I didn’t attend.”

Even though it was a nightmare disguised as reality, waking from that dream always happened at dawn. In a room where everything was dark and it felt like I was the only one awake, I lay on my back and looked at the ceiling, thinking about how to see Lee Jihoon again, about how to again step into his enclosure. How could I explain the days I ignored him, fending him off without even contacting him, simply because I was angry at not being able to treat something that could be overlooked like Kang Youngsoo did?

I pulled out what seemed to be the most plausible scenario among those nights. As I listened to the words flowing out smoothly as if I had prepared them, I realized how sincere I was about going back to Lee Jihoon’s side than I had anticipated. Perhaps I had been clinging on even though I had a premonition of failure, unable to admit it.

“I’ve been waiting for you, who hasn’t been able to contact me, but my classmates reached out. They said the professor was angry because I didn’t attend, and they asked if I could come now. I told them I wouldn’t be able to go, but I think I was a bit uneasy.”

-……

“So… I think I overreacted when you came.”

Thanks to Lee Jihoon, who quietly listened to my words, I could pour out the prepared scenario without a pause. Before I knew it, I had reached the middle of my story. I briefly held my breath. I tightened my grip on the phone. Regardless of everything else, I was relieved that I didn’t see Lee Jihoon until he came all the way to school today. I could mimic a decent voice, but I wouldn’t have been able to fake a respectable face while trembling all the way up to my chin.

“I thought I’d reach out after my anger calmed down, but the more I thought about it, the more embarrassing it became. It felt like I was throwing a fit over something trivial. Running out like that and then reaching out again would feel awkward.”

-……

“So I couldn’t contact you. It wasn’t for any other reason.”

So…

“You really don’t need to come looking for me like this. It’s not your fault.”

The scenario I’d thought out had finally come to an end. I tried to transition naturally over the awkward silence, like an actor who hadn’t heard the cut command. I took a couple of breaths and mixed in an occasional casual laugh.

“Just wait a little. Until I can see your face and tell you I’m sorry.”

I’ll try to give you up until I can somehow meet you again.

With each sentence that ended, I heard Lee Jihoon’s cautious breath following, proving he was listening. Feeling a sense of distance from his undecided behavior, I was simultaneously reassured by the fact that he was stubbornly waiting to bring me back after I had jumped over the fence.

I looked down at my wristwatch and confirmed that there was only one minute until midnight. In reality, I had almost called to say this. My throat grew hot. It all felt pointless; my vision was blurring. I opened my mouth the moment the moisture in my throat evaporated. As if a thought had just come to me, as if I had just remembered.

Ah, right. And…

“Happy birthday.”

September 2nd. Today was Lee Jihoon’s birthday.

* * *

Knock knock. I opened the door as soon as I heard the knock right after coming out of the bathroom. The student council president, holding a chart, looked up and scanned the room behind me. Once he confirmed that Jeong Hyun-jun wasn’t inside, his gaze returned to me.

“Did you wash up?”

I nodded a little at him asking while looking at my bare upper body and opened the door wide. It was usually because he had something to say when the student council president took the time to visit me like this. Seeing the paper in his hand, it seemed he was here to figure out the attendance for meetings or ask if we would participate in the program, like he sometimes did. Most first-year students could be considered dormitory residents. Instead of repeatedly contacting those like me who didn’t check the group chat well, he came to me directly at my door. Predictably, he stepped into the room casually and got straight to the point once he sat down on Jeong Hyun-jun’s bed.

“You said you were participating in the kendo tournament. When is it?”

After putting my head into the sweatshirt, I checked the calendar on the desk. I answered while pulling my clothes up to fit my arms in.

“December 3rd.”

“Are you coming back on the 4th?”

“I guess so. Why?”

“There’s a training session Professor Jeong is encouraging everyone to participate in, and from what I skimmed through the program, it seems pretty tough, so I thought there wouldn’t be many applicants. The conditions seem pretty good, though. Attendance will give a good point boost, and they say the final exam will be waived.”

“……”

“That training you missed in the first semester was Professor Jeong’s, right? It seems like you might be able to catch up this time, so I thought I’d check if you were interested.”

Instead of responding, I approached him and held out my hand. The paper he handed over appeared to be a copy of the official announcement sent to the school. The summary of the training, the dates, and the contents were neatly written on the smeared white paper. Seeing the list of universities in the recipient section, I vaguely understood what kind of training it was. Although they called it training, it resembled a Marine camp. Considering the phrases like ‘alliance’ emphasized throughout the text, it seemed they intended to gather students from various places and pit them against each other in a test of physical strength. Among the professors, everyone knew that the only one who wasn’t from the police academy, Professor Jeong, was particularly keen on such arrangement-oriented events, trying to make up for it. After quickly glancing again at phrases like base camp, log carrying, and group running, I handed the paper back to the student council president.

“I’ll do it. Put my name down.”

“…Really?”

Seeing him who had been urging me earlier, now cautiously asking me to reconsider made me laugh.

“Didn’t I tell you to go?”

I shook my head and flopped onto the opposite bed. It felt almost nostalgic to be sitting on the bed and looking at the opposite one again after a long time. It had been a while since I had shared words with my roommate, Jeong Hyun-jun. Even after parting ways with that senior, it had remained that way. Even if we didn’t go together outside the room, it hadn’t taken long for everyone to notice that Jeong Hyun-jun was avoiding me, casually bringing up my name when I wasn’t around.

After our fight in front of everyone, it would have been easy to find the causal relationship in that. Even the classmates who had been watching us act carefully at first had grown used to it, so they no longer sought out Jeong Hyun-jun from me.

“Well, it’s good that you thought it through. They said not many people would apply, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s a training anyone can go to even if they apply. Professor Jeong had already chosen a few of you to bring up. You were the first one.”

“Are you going?”

“…No. I don’t have to, and he hasn’t particularly mentioned me…”

His expression, once colored with excitement, suddenly became somewhat awkward as he glanced at me cautiously. Even though he could add to the discussion about those going, he had no intention of hinting that he himself might go. I smiled faintly and waved my hand toward the door.

“Close the door properly when you leave.”

“Yes.”

The one who bent down playfully in a mock bow disappeared quickly. While throwing a wet towel into the laundry basket, my gaze landed on the calendar on the desk. Seeing the circle drawn for December 29th, I was reminded that Kang Youngsoo’s military enlistment day was approaching. Just a while ago, he had indirectly asked when I would be heading down to Taean. Kang Youngsoo no longer asks such things in the group chat. It was as if he had learned that we wouldn’t be responding in those message threads, even if there were answers.

‘Regardless of anything else, I must definitely attend the day this guy enlists.’

‘Oh… our Hoon wasn’t completely useless after all.’

‘There’s no way he’ll look ugly on that day. We’ll have to record it and play it at his wedding.’

‘He was completely useless…’

Unlike Kang Youngsoo, who would enlist right after the end of the first year, both Lee Jihoon and I didn’t enlist through the regular process. It was due to the nature of the school we were attending. I recalled the time when Lee Jihoon teased Kang Youngsoo about that fact. Even while fending off Kang Youngsoo, I remembered the playful look on Lee Jihoon’s face directed towards me. Naturally, I thought I would be with him when Kang Youngsoo enlisted, sharing the look we exchanged. Did Lee Jihoon still think that way? Even though we hadn’t contacted each other in nearly three months, did he still believe we would be together on Kang Youngsoo’s enlistment day? That’s what friends are for, after all.

Pulling my gaze from the calendar, I finally slipped on my sneakers, which had only just lost moisture. I thought it would be a good idea to run around the field a bit before going to sleep.

* * *

From the moment we gathered at the pier to board the boat to the island, half of the crowd was trembling in their chins. It was the coldest day in December. The air that entered my lungs felt like tiny ice shards piercing my chest. One of the physical education students, who had been cursing non-stop since getting on the boat, lost all energy to curse the moment we reached this place called base camp and stared blankly around. A senior a grade above me whom I only recognized from my class whispered something only I could hear from behind.

“Professor Jeong is such a bastard.”

It seemed credible that they had invited a special forces instructor to run the program. The people who looked like they would bleed even if pierced with a sharp object lined up and called for everyone to gather without any warning, demanding our phones be tossed into a basket. The attendees hesitated, unsure of what was wanted, and the instructor shouted at them, asking if they didn’t have any phones. Everyone, seemingly afraid, quickly searched their pockets and threw their phones into the basket. The instructor, who pushed the unmarked basket filled with phones aside, warned that we wouldn’t get them back until we completed the training and left the island.

Various teams were formed by combining students from two schools. I was in Group C.

The training was brutal. The other student from a different school, who was the only one with military experience in our group, complained that it felt tougher than the army. They pressured everyone from all sides, fearing that even one person would fall behind, even though the pace was set so fast that dropping out became inevitable. I welcomed sleep time with open arms. I would lie down on the cot and would merely close my eyes, only to find it was morning again.

Every time I sat up from the bed, I doubted whether I had been beaten all night long. In a way, for me to think so, was a privilege. The student beside me, from a different school, lay still, knowing he would be punished if he didn’t get up on time.

“I really can’t do this… really…”

His voice was pitifully sobbing.

On the third day, two students fell behind from the neighboring team. They were those who, with a 10 kg military pack strapped on, lagged during the repeated sprints around the back hill. They had terrified us for falling behind in training by asking if we wanted to be left out, and then they sat there showing what it was like for the remaining members to struggle for their portions. The faces of the droppers turned pale as they watched their teammates who had to run twenty laps instead of the ten they would normally do. Without saying a word, the people from our team exchanged glances while watching that scene unfold. The next day, we all took out extra weight from the packs of the member who was the least fit in our group and divided it among ourselves. When he wasn’t looking, I snuck a dumbbell into my own pack. I thought it was better for me to be more exhausted than for him to become a drop-out.

“Pay attention! Follow the commands!”

On the fourth day, the final training was to lift a 100 kg boat positioned on the beach corner of the island. Even when divided into groups of six, lifting the boat under the instructor’s orders while repeatedly sitting and standing made the weights on my shoulders feel distinctly heavier. The student from the physical education department, who was relatively fit for our team, wobbled, so I moved a bit ahead to lessen his burden. Ignoring the pain my arms were clearly experiencing from pushing to the limit, I gritted my teeth. It was dark at night, and I could barely see the face of the instructor standing by the water or my fellow teammates beside me. All I could do was endure. I knew that the quicker I got through it meant it would end sooner.

“One! Two!”

Every time we squatted, ice-cold water splashed against my chest. I felt my flesh, and even my heart, freeze. I blinked. Was it just the seawater splashing onto my eyelashes that made it sting whenever I closed my eyes?

In a moment of unusual loud splashing, I thought one of the members from Group B on my left or Group D on my right must have lost their grip on the boat and fell into the water. The training was such that it felt strange not to go down.

However, there was no call for any dropouts. Instead, someone shouted.

“Ji Seon-uk! If you’re here, respond.”

The instructor, splashing among the boats, seemed to be looking for someone. The sound of him cupping his hands and yelling echoed away and back. It was only after I blinked again that I realized the name being called was indeed mine.

“Where’s Ji Seon-uk? Ji Seon-uk from the police academy!”

With a red cap on, he was peering around and slowly approaching. Just before he passed by me, I adjusted the boat on my shoulder and slipped my body out of the boat.

“Uh…”

My mouth felt frozen, making it hard to pronounce words. Still, it seemed he heard me, as he halted and turned around. His frown looked like he was trying to see better as his gaze landed on the part of my training suit where my name was clearly written. That was a spot they usually didn’t check to call out trainees by name unless they were among the dropouts.

As soon as he confirmed I was indeed Ji Seon-uk, he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me along.

“Follow me.”

“If I drop out now, the formation will collapse.”

“I know, but just leave it and follow me.”

His command was perplexing. It would be one thing if it were an order for everyone, but there was little reason to take on an order given just to me. Noticing my hesitation to move before hearing the reason, he sighed and gestured towards the instructor standing ahead. Group C was ordered to put down the boats. The team members quickly set the boats down, glancing at me in curiosity as they tried to grasp the reason.

“Alright. That’s enough. Get out quickly. There’s no time for this.”

The instructor, hands on his hips, looked back at me once more before he began walking ahead. Without taking my eyes off him, I moved my frozen legs. The water’s level seemed to gradually lower as I followed him out, but my body felt even colder strangely.

The place he led me to was the base camp. The inside of the base camp, where everyone had gone out for training, was quiet. The instructor approached me and tossed the duffel bag I had left under the bed. His actions appeared hurried, as if he was speaking the truth when he said there wasn’t time.

“A boat comes in ten minutes. You’ll take that and go to the bus terminal. If you buy your ticket as soon as you get there, you should arrive before midnight.”

I stared at him, who repeated the plan without explaining why I was suddenly leaving training, boarding a ship, going to the bus terminal, buying a ticket, and needed to arrive before midnight. Ignoring me, he continued tossing clothes from the makeshift wardrobe beside the bed onto the duffel bag. Only once he stopped all his actions did he notice I stood still by the bed.

“You still haven’t explained what’s going on.”

My training suit from the water dripped as I stood there, feeling as if I was still trapped in the cold, dark water.

“You really are one tired bastard…”

Noticing I would likely refuse to move until he explained the reason once more, his expression bore signs of exhaustion. He licked his lips once before hardening his demeanor and looked at me.

“I just received a message from the school saying your grandfather is in the hospital.”

“……”

“They said he is currently undergoing surgery. It seems your phone being off was why they couldn’t get in touch with you sooner. So wake up, pack your things, you fool. If you miss that boat, you won’t be able to get back to shore until tomorrow.”

I moved my body. However, I had no memory of moving. I clearly did something, but only seconds later, I would forget that fact, as if all my memories were connected with dotted lines. There were significant gaps in my recollection throughout. Just like that, consciousness returned to me while I was on a small boat, and then again as I stood at the bus terminal. Each time I blinked, the scenery around me shifted. Yet, the places bridging those scenes were cut off.

I couldn’t even remember what expression I had while boarding the boat, what I thought while buying the ticket at the bus terminal, or what words I exchanged while selecting my destination.

Still, I got off somewhere again. And then I ran.

The place I halted was a hospital corridor I had never been to before. Standing in a dark corridor without even a hint of light seeping from the patient room, I questioned myself.

So, where is my grandfather?

It felt like I had forgotten everything I knew. I looked around. My breath grew ragged. I found it difficult to bear my own breathing. If it were possible, I wanted nothing more than to stop it at that moment. I glanced around once more. There was still no one.