FBF chapter 11 part 7

Lee Jihoon finally stopped. His gaze, which had been downcast at the blood-soaked shirt, shifted to my hand. Taking advantage of the slight relaxation in his grip on my uninjured arm, I quickly spoke up.

“It’s not as serious as it looks. I just reopened an old wound while working.”

Sure, the shirt was stained with blood, so he might have been startled. Unlike me, who frequently encountered such situations on the field, Lee Jihoon might have thought it was a big deal and felt scared. More than anything, I had never shown this kind of vulnerability in front of him before. I calmly continued to explain.

“It’s not serious enough to need immediate attention, which is why I’m home. If it still hurts when I wake up, then I’ll go to the hospital…”

“…You got hurt while working?”

Lee Jihoon’s gaze finally locked onto me.

“You ended up like this while working?”

His reaction suggested he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, his face still pale. Lee Jihoon scanned me again. The moment his eyes focused on my blood-stained shirt, he muttered out loud, still in disbelief.

“But your team made you work late and even had a dinner party after seeing you like this?”

“…….”

“They let you go after seeing… you in this state?”

Lee Jihoon’s eyes questioned me. I could see his chest rising and falling rapidly with agitation, but unlike before, he was biting down, trying to calm himself while waiting for my answer. I turned my head to avoid his penetrating gaze. In truth, he had done nothing wrong, but seeing his pale, horrified expression made me uncomfortable for some reason.

“…Everyone doesn’t know. I purposely didn’t tell anyone.”

“…….”

“I didn’t want to cause unnecessary worry over something trivial.”

Lee Jihoon was silent for a long time. The quiet, where even his breathing was inaudible, felt unsettling. I had glanced downward to avoid his eyes, but when I felt the looseness in my arm, I looked back up. Lee Jihoon had released me, and he was watching me with his hands hanging limply. His expression seemed to suggest that he had been robbed of his words. The moment our eyes met, he finally managed to part his lips. His face looked tormented, as if the words were too difficult to express.

“And what about me?”

His dark eyes seemed to pierce right through me. Although he wasn’t shouting like earlier, the moment I heard his voice lowered several tones, my heart raced nervously.

“Did you even think about telling me?”

Even as he asked, Lee Jihoon seemed to already know the answer. Seeing me unable to speak, he let out a short, helpless laugh, then immediately covered his face with his hands.

“Ah… damn it…”

Even while cursing, Lee Jihoon repeatedly rubbed his face with his hands. Every time he roughly scrubbed his face up and down, his eyes and cheeks flushed red before turning pale again. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, nor could I bring myself to stop him, holding my breath. It was strange to see him like this; even when we were younger, I had rarely witnessed such a display of uncontained emotion. I had explained the situation, and I believed he would understand to some extent. But Lee Jihoon was still angry, and it seemed he hadn’t found a way to hide it. I had no idea how to calm him down.

When Lee Jihoon lifted his head again, his face was entirely red. His eyes, filled with a fierce determination, no longer wavered. I watched him take strides to close the distance between us.

“Take it off.”

Lee Jihoon’s words were so shocking I could hardly believe my ears. His calm demeanor made it seem almost clinical, but I knew from the three buttons undone on my shirt that he meant it. Without breaking his gaze, he repeated the command.

“Show me your shirt.”

“…Lee Jihoon. Come on now. I know you’re shocked, but still.”

“Shocked?”

Lee Jihoon scoffed, cutting off my words. It didn’t take long for his slightly twisted cold expression to regain its original form. He spoke matter-of-factly.

“I’m not shocked; I don’t trust you. How can I believe someone who says they only want to drink beer in this kind of condition?”

“…….”

“I’ll see for myself if it’s nothing serious, so take it off.”

Lee Jihoon was serious. The moment I realized that, the space between us seemed to shrink.

“Should I help you if you can’t do it?”

Before I could respond or push him away, he placed his hands on my shirt. He pulled with force. It was a cheap shirt poorly fastened, and just that light tugging caused all the buttons to pop open. They fell to the ground with a clattering sound.

Understanding the situation, I quickly stepped back. Lee Jihoon didn’t advance any further, but remained standing where he was, staring intently at me. His gaze slid from the yellowing bruise that had formed earlier, moving across the blue and red marks I had received during the scuffle with Choi Hyuk-jun today, and finally resting on the long, thin scar near my ribs. The realization that all these things had never been shown to him before made me instinctively shy away from his penetrating gaze.

“You….”

Lee Jihoon’s lips trembled slightly as if ready to say something, but for a moment they fell completely still. After quite a while, he took a step back. Maybe it was because he moved away from the yellow light of the lamp, but the temperature of the air around him seemed to drop. His paled face, now devoid of any emotions, stared directly at me. And yet, strangely enough, it didn’t feel like we were making eye contact. I bit my lips anxiously, focused on his tightly closed mouth.

“I’m going to the hospital, so put on some clothes.”

“…….”

“I’m going to go downstairs to catch a taxi first, so when I call, come down then.”

Only after seeing Lee Jihoon turn his body did I fully understand what he meant. I quickly moved to grab him.

“There won’t be any taxis outside now. Just let me handle this….”

The memory of the road conditions from just an hour ago came to mind. The snow from overnight had frozen and was even covered by slippery new snow, making the road clear of cars. Taxis wouldn’t be any different. Especially since my home was in a place where taxis rarely came even on non-snowy nights, stepping outside now would only lead to getting lost and struggling.

The moment I grabbed his shoulder, Lee Jihoon stopped but didn’t turn his head. His gaze was stubbornly fixed on the doorknob he was gripping tightly until his knuckles turned white.

“Ji Seon-uk.”

With a voice low enough to send chills down my spine, Lee Jihoon twisted his shoulder and shook off my arm.

“I’m holding myself together. Don’t touch me.”

Before long, the front door slammed shut loudly. My fingertips, which had just been resting on his shoulder, felt numb. It was as if the cold he emitted had transferred over to me.

“Seo-eon University Hospital, please. Get there as fast as possible, within safety limits. My friend is injured.”

“Oh dear. So that’s why you ran here in such a hurry. Don’t worry too much; I’ll take it slow and get you there safely.”

It took Lee Jihoon 15 minutes to hail a taxi. Pretending not to notice me as I hurriedly put on my clothes, he managed to get me into a taxi that happened to come by three blocks away. Sitting in the back seat, I glanced at Lee Jihoon’s ears, which were frozen red as they sat in the passenger seat beside me. He hadn’t moved an inch since getting in the taxi, his head fixed forward. Even in the reflection of the car window, he avoided looking at me.

I swallowed hard and lowered my head. Lee Jihoon’s furious energy was piercing through my chest.

In the early morning emergency room, Hye-eun was absent this time. A tired-looking male doctor, similar in fatigue to mine, frowned seriously when he examined the wound on my arm. As expected, he said the wound had reopened. It seemed like there was a possibility of foreign material entering the wound, so he suggested a disinfection followed by emergency surgery. He also mentioned that anesthesia might not work well due to the alcohol in my system. When asked if I was okay, I nodded without hesitation, more concerned about Lee Jihoon, who stood silently beside me.

Even though it was a simple surgery, it had to be done in a different space. The guardian couldn’t accompany me. Just before I left the room, Lee Jihoon opened his tightly shut mouth.

“Please check near the collarbone, too.”

“Oh… I see. You got hurt there as well. We’ll treat that too.”

It was the spot where Choi Hyuk-jun’s knife had grazed me earlier. Before I could even ask when he had seen that injury, Lee Jihoon left the emergency room without ever making eye contact with me. I watched him exit and then halted my useless motions of clenching and unclenching my fist.

The surgery ended quickly. As the doctor had mentioned, the anesthesia didn’t take well, but it wasn’t unbearable. They applied ointment to several wounds that were still healing and took a chest CT. When I heard that there was no serious problem with the bones, I felt a wave of relief. I didn’t want to give Lee Jihoon more reasons to worry. I carefully put on a shirt over the wound secured with a large bandage, and when a staff member from the administration desk called my name, they handed me my card.

“Your guardian already came and settled the bill.”

I didn’t ask further and turned away. I needed to find him—the one who had taken care of everything in my absence. It didn’t take long to spot him; he was sitting near the corner bathroom just around the corner from the administration desk in the hospital lobby. Hunched forward, he looked down at the floor, as if he hadn’t even closed his eyes for a moment.

“…….”

The hospital lobby was quiet at this peculiar hour that was hard to label as morning. I approached him, but despite my footsteps drawing nearer, Lee Jihoon did not react until I was right in front of him. It seemed he still hadn’t ended the punishment he had been giving me.

I dragged my heavy feet toward him and stopped directly in front of him. Whether it was due to fatigue or because I couldn’t shake off my anxiety, my lips were chapped and painful. After a moment of choosing my words while pressing my lower lip with my tongue, I finally spoke.

“We’re done. Let’s go.”

Lee Jihoon did not respond. He continued to look downward, as if counting the patterns on the hospital floor. The clock on the wall indicated it was 6:30 AM. Morning sunlight streamed through the partially open window at the end of the hallway, casting light upon the shoes that Lee Jihoon wore. It struck me that it had been quite a while since I had seen him in sneakers, and unlike when he had come to pick me up, now he wore a black padded coat directly over a white t-shirt with a hoodie, unable even to layer properly.

“I’m sorry for scaring you.”

We both faced the morning without having exchanged any sighs. While I could manage that, it was no surprise that Lee Jihoon, who unexpectedly had taken on a guardian role just a few hours ago, must have been exhausted. It would be better to take him home quickly so he could at least get some sleep. That seemed like the right thing to do to relieve the unbearably tense atmosphere.

“Let’s go home and get some rest.”

“…….”

“When you wake up, I’ll be back. We can talk then.”

Today was Saturday. Although it was a day he typically wouldn’t need to work, given that it wasn’t duty, it didn’t apply to me considering the operation from yesterday. The group chat with my team had been buzzing since early this morning. A few reporters must have gotten a whiff of things, as it seemed they were loitering around the police agency already. With so many people involved in the situation, there was a lot to sort through. I would have to work twice as hard to return before Lee Jihoon woke up. I glanced down at the top of his head, organizing in my mind the tasks I needed to undertake as soon as I got to the office.

It was quite some time later before Lee Jihoon finally spoke.

“Do you want to hit me?”

His voice was hoarse from keeping quiet for so long. I processed his seemingly nonsensical words, inhaling sharply. Just then, our gazes met as he looked up. Lee Jihoon, looking expressionless, was staring at me.

“I’ve been holding in a response because I thought I might regret it the moment I let it out.”

“…….”

“The only thing I can think of is that statement.”

Lee Jihoon slowly raised his body that had been hunched forward. His gaze remained unwavering. The calmness of his face, so unlike the anger he had displayed earlier, resembled the ocean after a storm had passed.

“I think I need to start with this if I’m going to have a conversation with you, so let’s just get this out of the way: hit me first.”

Lost in his smoothly flowing words, I realized too late that he had grabbed my hand. Even before I could grasp what he was about to do, he had already tightened his grip on my hand before swiftly striking his cheek with it. My hand had barely closed around his grip, and in a moment of panic, the weight of my hand pulled back as if striking him had the opposite effect.

The sound of Lee Jihoon’s head turning echoed loudly, much louder than the punch I had thrown earlier. At the same time, my hand was free.

“Lee Jihoon!!”

For a moment, my vision blurred. The scream I let out sounded more like a wail than a call of his name, and it felt like the sound reached my ears a beat too late. I stumbled back, and moving my numbed fingertips made me realize that I had acted against my will. I couldn’t believe the situation I was witnessing, and my senses finally returned. Regaining my composure, I grabbed Lee Jihoon’s shoulder. My voice, resembling a shout, pierced through the stillness again.

“What the hell are you doing?! Are you insane?”

I couldn’t comprehend why Lee Jihoon was acting like this. It was entirely outside the realm of normal behavior. And this Lee Jihoon was not someone who would commit such acts with a face like this. There was something off about the scene.

Even as I grasped his shoulder, interrogating him, Lee Jihoon remained indifferent, slowly turning his head back to its original position. His composure was disturbingly calm for someone who had just been slapped. It was as if he had predicted my reaction, and instead of touching his cheek, he brushed his hair back. His emotionless expression felt unreal.

“Seon-uk.”

Our eyes met. I pulled my focus back to Lee Jihoon’s now slightly swollen right cheek, momentarily losing my own composure. For the first time since arriving at the hospital, he spoke to me without ignoring me, but a strange premonition arose within me that we wouldn’t be able to maintain a coherent conversation.

“Don’t let yourself get beaten up like that and just quit.”

My premonition turned out to be correct. I fell silent, the words I had intended to pour out now forgotten. We glared at one another in silence, like two opponents in a dead-end alley. I was the first to break the silence.

“This is an overreaction.”

Lee Jihoon was shocked; I could tell. He likely felt compelled to say things to protect me, and I knew better than anyone that he had no malicious intent.

Nonetheless, he had crossed a line. Even though boundaries had long blurred due to my earlier confession, I could still tell the words Lee Jihoon was now voicing were far outside the realm of normalcy.

“I understand you were surprised because it was the first time you saw me injured, and I know you’re worried.”

“…….”

“But this is going too far. Do you understand?”

Having lived my entire life battling the boundary established by Lee Jihoon’s special affection, I had adopted Kang Youngsoo as a measure for gauging the severity of situations I found confusing. Kang Youngsoo would certainly be startled if he saw me wounded like this. Perhaps, uncharacteristically, he’d get angry and take me to the hospital for treatment. However, he would never suggest that I quit my job or support me until I found a new one. Even considering that Lee Jihoon would treat those within the fence with special care, this was excessive.

Maybe Lee Jihoon understood that as well. That’s why he had struck himself in the face to express his point.

The more I pondered, the more discomfort rose within me. I sighed, rubbing my face. My headache throbbed painfully at the back of my head. I was at my limit in many ways. I tried to compose my expression and spoke to Lee Jihoon.

“Let’s go home first. We can wash up and….”

“What exactly is this ‘no big deal’ to you?”

“…What?”

Lee Jihoon wasn’t looking at me. Although his gaze was directed toward me, it felt more like he was examining my body. More specifically, he was focused on the spot where I had undergone surgery. He continued speaking, almost in a trance, as if he were in another world, completely absent from this one.

“I’m in the sky or abroad for over half the year.”

“…….”

“So, as soon as I get a call that you might die from a knife wound, I could be on a plane, but it could take days to get back to Korea.”

“…….”

“And yet, you don’t even give me the lousy opportunity to do anything and just throw yourself away. Right?”

The moment our gazes locked, the tension in my lips dissipated. That’s when I realized the mask Lee Jihoon had been wearing, trying to hide his emotions, was starting to crack. The sunlight flooding through the window seemed to melt away the frost that had encased his face. As the structured ice shattered, the anger, regret, and remorse that had been hidden beneath rushed to the surface.

“When I asked you why you would have to work in a place like the drug investigation unit, a place where you meet those filthy drug users head-on, you told me what?”

Lee Jihoon was dredging up memories I hadn’t even remembered. The hospital corridor instantly transformed into a dark alley I couldn’t recognize. It was shortly after I was assigned to the narcotics investigation unit, the first time I had confessed such to Kang Youngsoo and Lee Jihoon. At that time, Lee Jihoon was in the U.S., busy with virtually nonstop flying schedules, making it hard for him to reach me. I had been startled by his call when I messaged him out of fear. While leaning against a lamp post after stepping out of the car with my seniors before the operation, the unexpected call from Lee Jihoon was both surprising and comforting, and I had sought to reassure him casually.

“It’s all in the past; even if it comes to that, there’s no reason for you to worry. You wouldn’t have to do anything physical at your rank.” Had I ever been honest when we would joke and say everything was alright while overlooking matters? Had I mentioned the knife wound or even the fact I had bruises?

I acknowledge that I spoke without responsibility. However, if I were to return to that time, I wouldn’t have said anything differently. I abruptly recalled how, until Lee Jihoon returned completely to Korea, he would always end our calls with a similar expression of concern. “Are you hurt? Ah, good. Then that’s a relief.”