FBF chapter 11 part 11

Lee Jihoon, who had been speaking without pause, suddenly hesitated for the first time and then scratched his cheek lightly as he chuckled, as if recalling that day.

“When we arrived, the cake had all melted. It snowed that day and there was some traffic. Ah, seriously… I should have asked them to pack the ice packs firmly instead of asking for candles.”

Lee Jihoon’s recollection ended with a shake of his head. I couldn’t let it go and asked, as if it was the conclusion of that day.

“…You just left?”

He had taken a taxi from Taean to Seoul without fear. He had dashed out in the middle of drinking with friends to buy a cake, only for it to melt. Just for that reason.

“Of course. Am I supposed to call you out at that hour with that kind of cake?”

The absurdity of that question left me breathless. He glanced at me, then lay back down without saying another word.

“Wow, today felt really long….”

Lee Jihoon’s eyes, which had been gazing at the ceiling, blinked slowly. It seemed like sleep was finally catching up to him, having been put off to take care of his body. He must have had a busy day. He mentioned interviews with school juniors and that he had to go to work for a bit.

I approached the bed. I gently tapped Lee Jihoon’s shoulder, who had closed his eyes as if he were about to fall asleep.

“Are you just going to sleep here? I’ll go to your room.”

Perhaps he had already drifted off; Lee Jihoon didn’t reply. Even without a response, I thought it would be better to leave him here. I was about to turn off the lamp when…

“Ah!”

My waist was suddenly grabbed, and I found myself sinking into the soft blanket. It was due to Lee Jihoon, who had forcibly pushed me onto the bed.

“Are you crazy? What are you doing?”

Even my outstretched hand was caught by him, as he laughed like it was a fun prank.

“Yes, I’m crazy. I just spun around 180 degrees.”

“Ah, damn it. Stop fooling around and let me go.”

“Just sleep. I’m too tired to make it to my room.”

“That’s why I said I’d go.”

“Why? The bed is big enough.”

As I struggled to get away, he matched my force. After a pointless, wriggling struggle, we stopped for no particular reason.

“…….”

“…….”

Only after a heartbeat did I realize that my back was pressed against Lee Jihoon’s chest, and his hand was covering my belly. I tried to ignore the presence of Lee Jihoon right behind me as I stared at the half-closed window curtains. It was a night where the moonlight shone especially bright. Even with the lamp turned off and all the lights gone, I could faintly make out the outlines of objects in the room.

After swallowing once, I looked down. I took hold of Lee Jihoon’s hand resting on my belly and moved it away as I spoke.

“…Hey. This isn’t a joke.”

“…….”

“Your position is really weird. Get away.”

The laughter that had been continuous during our earlier playfulness suddenly stopped. It seemed Lee Jihoon sensed something was odd. Listening to his quiet breaths, I discreetly pushed myself up. It seemed wise to fully detach from the bed before the atmosphere turned any more awkward.

Just before my feet touched the floor, Lee Jihoon grabbed me again.

“Just stay.”

The voice was devoid of humor unlike before. When I turned my head, our eyes met. At the same time, Lee Jihoon pulled me back toward him. I ended lying on the bed once more. The moment I tried to get back up, his outstretched hand grabbed my waist again. The position became the same as earlier. I held my breath. It wasn’t just my waist he was holding. His body was alarmingly close. So close that just turning my head would likely mean our faces would collide.

“Remember the day I decided to leave my life in America and come back to Korea?”

“…….”

“Did you know it also snowed that day?”

I couldn’t move a muscle. I felt like if I moved even a small part of me, something would shatter immediately. Ignoring my stillness, he pulled my waist closer again.

“I sat at the airport chair for hours, pondering the snow. This year, I thought I wouldn’t be able to…”

His warm breath spilled over a spot I couldn’t quite discern—my cheek, my neck. Words spilled out like murmurings or sighs into the air.

“I can’t even get you just a cake now.”

Why was Lee Jihoon choosing to share this kind of story at such a moment? There couldn’t be a worse day than today for him to tell me that I was special to him.

“If someone were to say that it’s strange for me to feel this way.”

“…….”

“If they say it’s a special treatment for a friend that shares the same thing, that it’s overreacting.”

It didn’t make sense that no matter how hard he tried, I couldn’t shake him off. Still, I didn’t push him away; I just barely bit my lip. Otherwise, I feared I’d either let go or make some silly noise.

“Honestly, I don’t have anything to say.”

Lee Jihoon’s voice gradually diminished. He slowly buried his face in my shoulder. The warmth of his face concentrated on my shoulder. His words travelled through my skin.

Like a child about to sleep, clutching their favorite teddy bear, mumbling words.

“But Seon-uk, you should know this.”

“…….”

“I became friends with you because you are special.”

“…….”

“It’s not that friends are special.”

Lee Jihoon muttered again with his head resting on my shoulder. So…

“If the way we call that specialness is different between you and me…”

“…….”

“I don’t care what it’s called anymore.”

I remained silent. After a brief pause, Lee Jihoon rested his chin between my shoulder and neck. As he adjusted himself, he finally settled down as if he had found a comfortable position. Lee Jihoon’s breathing became slower and steadier. I held my breath again like before, cautious not to wake him.

My gaze, which had been evasively fixed on the moonlight, gradually descended. I slowly placed my hand on Lee Jihoon’s large hand that enveloped my belly. It felt just like the temperature I had imagined. I carefully gripped his hand, as if handling something I had never touched before, and slowly lowered it. Only when I realized there was space between us did I turn my shoulder slightly.

Lee Jihoon’s face was right in front of me. After watching him feign sleep a few times, I understood that a truly asleep Lee Jihoon breathed slower than he did when pretending. Only after realizing he was breathing steadily, completely asleep, did I release the breath I had been holding.

“…….”

To avoid revealing my trembling, I lifted the hand that had been tightly curled inward. My hand, which had been holding on aimlessly, nearly brushed his brow to clear the hair but stopped before it could touch the scar above his eyebrow. I clenched my fingertips and, as a habit, held my breath. In case Lee Jihoon could hear me. And to avoid being caught watching him secretly like this.

Yet, I couldn’t surrender the special moment that this night was gifting me. For the first time, despite never having felt this way before, I craved this because Lee Jihoon had said I was special.

I brought my head closer to Lee Jihoon’s chin. I paused right at the spot where I could hear his breathing, taking a quick breath.

“…….”

Feeling the warmth of Lee Jihoon’s hand, fixing his messy hair, even capturing the warmth of his breath against my skin.

I knew I would regret this moment someday.

I had been repeating to myself that I should forget what I don’t know, that I had to avoid knowing it entirely. By doing so, I had created one more thing to miss about him in the future. Silly enough, my eyes began to sting with unshed tears.

Thinking back, I felt I had always been that kind of person. Learning to hold back tears before learning how to cry, and mastering the art of withholding love before knowing how to love.

This was the first moment I hadn’t held back. I silently apologized to him in the soft air.

“I’m sorry.”

If I had loved you just a little less, it would have been better for all of us.