FBF chapter 10 part 5

Fortunately, the cigarette that Choi Hyuk-jun smoked yesterday was discarded without any damage. Looking at the white filter which showed no signs of being crushed, I took out a plastic bag that I had packed while washing last night. The moment I picked up the filter with a wooden chopstick, I felt the scent that had come from Choi Hyuk-jun once again. Even as I fell asleep, and just now while coming down the stairs, I honestly wanted to believe that I had taken it too far. However, the moment I smelled the foul scent again, which I couldn’t easily adapt to despite this being the second time, I wanted to vomit. I stood there blankly for a while, feeling the wind brushing against my hair, and only then did I come to my senses. I was relieved that I could at least move my body instead of my stiffened mind. I placed the white filter into the plastic bag and twisted the bag multiple times.

Just like when I went down, I returned to the room quietly. I opened the luggage bag that I had placed near my bed and pushed the plastic bag deep into it. Then I packed my underwear and entered the bathroom. After finishing my shower, I lay back down next to the raccoon and looked beside me. The room was still dark. After blinking several times, I could vaguely see Choi Hyuk-jun’s silhouette lying with his back toward me, facing the window. After confirming that his back was rising and falling at a steady pace, I closed my eyes.

It couldn’t be. I thought that I was hypocritical for still wanting to believe this.

* * *

As the college entrance exam approached, the 2nd-year homeroom teachers became more sensitive. The frequency of career counseling also increased. In particular, it seemed our homeroom teacher was under a lot of stress. It appeared to be quite shocking that the top students in our class, which was among the best in the humanities section, had scored lower in the recent mock exam rankings nationwide. Perhaps due to this, the teacher poured out words urging us to concentrate on studying during homeroom and post-class announcements, which led to a significant increase in the number of students applying for evening self-study this month.

Lee Ji-hoon’s class was no different. Even his homeroom teacher, who was considered the most lenient among the 2nd-year teachers, recently posted notices stating that students from other classes were not allowed to enter through the back door. It was as if the other teachers, spurred on by this, hurriedly put up similar notices as well. There were even rumors that the principal promised special incentives for the class with the highest average score in the upcoming final exam due to the excessive pressure from the teachers.

There were even teachers who openly said, “You’re just friends now, but you’re actually competitors.” Even students who initially seemed to reject that notion progressively became quiet as the exam drew nearer. Sometimes, it was so quiet that there wasn’t even anyone talking in the hall during break times.

Lee Ji-hoon studied quietly as he always did. It was no surprise that he, who never had a way of skipping out on work, was diligent enough not to even make the most common jokes during class time. I heard he ranked 3rd overall in the natural sciences in the recent mock exam results. As Lee Ji-hoon’s grades skyrocketed, he had also become quite a topic among the teachers; the last time he was in the staff room doing an errand for his homeroom teacher, he overheard them praising him. “You know, students who used to be athletes really hit the books hard when they decide to study. I can guarantee it. That kid’s definitely going to make it.” Even his homeroom teacher, who was nodding in agreement while the PE teacher passionately spoke, was not from his class.

I thought Lee Ji-hoon’s goal would likely be achieved. Though I couldn’t be certain about the former, at least for the latter, it seemed so. Whenever I thought about that, my previously unstable heart calmed down. Yes, everything was fine. It would continue to be fine.

“Have you been a bit quiet lately?”

“What?”

“Your friend.”

The only person that Choi Hyuk-jun, who typically showed no interest in those in our class, would specify as my friend was Lee Ji-hoon. I almost hesitated but managed to move my spoon in time. I felt Choi Hyuk-jun’s gaze but intentionally didn’t lift my head and continued to eat my bean sprout soup.

“The teachers give you the side-eye when you eat lunch with students from other classes.”

I was relieved that the overly competitive mentality encouraged by the teachers could serve as an excuse. Recently, the number of times Lee Ji-hoon joined Choi Hyuk-jun for lunch had decreased. While Lee Ji-hoon was busy preparing for an upcoming mock debate, I was also deliberately avoiding situations that would lead to that. Fortunately, it seemed Lee Ji-hoon hadn’t noticed that. Since he would be participating in a math competition hosted by the province next week, it wasn’t uncommon for him to get caught up in conversations with teachers even after classes ended, which sometimes delayed his departure.

The school trip became a turning point. The butt I had kept in my desk since that early morning was still there. I hadn’t decided what to do about it yet. Therefore, even though I couldn’t be sure whether Choi Hyuk-jun was using drugs, it was clear that I needed to keep my distance from him. However, I thought it unnecessary to make that obvious. It would probably be best to maintain a state where neither we grew closer nor drifted apart and allowing ourselves to naturally part ways as the school year ended. I didn’t need to create a big fuss and provoke him unnecessarily. At the same time, I needed to distance Lee Ji-hoon from Choi Hyuk-jun, who ended up getting involved with him again because of me. The goal was to minimize any potential conflict between Choi Hyuk-jun and Lee Ji-hoon. I didn’t expect Choi Hyuk-jun to pick up on the subtle ways I had been avoiding him.

Choi Hyuk-jun had been sleeping more these days. While in the past, he would at least listen to music with something in his ears, nowadays, he just fell into random sleep without doing even that. It had become difficult to see him not lying down. I tried not to overinterpret that fact. I didn’t wake him up or ask why he was sleeping so much. So, when I quickly realized that he hadn’t been seeing Lee Ji-hoon much, a sudden tension ran through me. I grabbed a glass of water, trying to conceal it.

“Well.”

Still, Choi Hyuk-jun was pretty much the same during lunch. His tone and actions were as usual. Even now, Choi Hyuk-jun laughed at Lee Ji-hoon as he wrapped up his conversation.

“Oh, you put on quite a show in front of the teachers, don’t you?”

Unwilling to respond, I continued to move my spoon. I thought he would have already detached himself from my gaze, but I still felt it lingering. After a moment of hesitation, Choi Hyuk-jun finally met my eyes and after a significant pause, asked a sudden question.

“Are you busy after school today?”

Since the summer vacation when I had gone to Choi Hyuk-jun’s house, I hadn’t seen him outside of school. His voice sounded a bit nervous, as if he knew that. Despite his expression showing no particular sign, I vaguely avoided his gaze while taking a spoonful of rice.

“Yeah. I have something to do, so I might head straight to the study room. Why?”

It was neither a complete lie nor the truth. While I did plan to go to the study room, I wasn’t busy. I could easily clear up some time, but I didn’t want to tell Choi Hyuk-jun that. He didn’t reply immediately, so I looked straight ahead. Choi Hyuk-jun appeared to mumble to himself, looking down.

“Forget it. Never mind.”

For the rest of the meal, the conversation didn’t flow again. As I lifted the tray to stand and return to class, I planned to take some digestive medication first.

“Oppa!”

Bumping into Young-eun in front of the bookstore was unexpected. Unlike me, who stopped in surprise, Young-eun smiled brightly. She quickly urged her friend to go ahead.

“You go ahead to the academy. I’ll talk to Oppa and get there by myself.”

The boy hesitating to leave right away looked familiar. I recognized him as the school junior who had once stopped me at the snack bar. Even then and now, he hesitated in front of me, as if he were doubting my feelings more than Young-eun’s. But when Young-eun pushed him, he let out a deep sigh and held the bookstore door.

“I realized I forgot to buy a notebook. If I get done before you, we can go together.”

“Okay, sure.”

The boy who looked annoyed waved his hand, and Young-eun turned back to me. Watching the sulky expression of the boy as he turned away, I shifted my gaze forward.

“Did you come to buy reference books?”

Seeing Young-eun’s eyes light up with curiosity, I felt the time since our meeting at the cinema had been quite a while. I couldn’t help but recall the messages from Young-eun, who would text me one or two times a week. When I had received a message last weekend saying that it had been a while since we had seen each other, it hadn’t truly sunk in, but now I noticed that Young-eun’s hair had grown quite a bit.

“Yeah. You’ve already bought something, it looks like.”

The bag Young-eun was holding had the name of the bookstore I was about to enter printed prominently on it. As if noticing my gaze, Young-eun looked down at the bag and pulled it behind her back.

“Um, well… I think I forgot to buy pencil leads too? You’re going into the bookstore, right? We can go in together and pick some out.”

Watching Young-eun speak quickly as if not giving me a moment to refuse, I locked eyes with the boy inside the bookstore. The face that looked like it had been watching me became awkward the moment it realized I noticed him. With a profile that clearly seemed aware of my gaze, I opened my mouth without averting my eyes.

“You can buy pencil leads at the stationery section on the first floor. You have to go up to the second floor for reference books. I don’t think we need to go together.”

Young-eun made a surprised expression. Just seeing the eyes of Young-eun staring at me, as if all her words had been stolen, made me feel a pang of guilt. I took a step back.

“I didn’t want to steal your time.”

Weakening in front of the feelings I had for her was a change that had arisen since I started liking someone. I sighed. I didn’t want to hurt Young-eun.

“Well, then let’s at least go together…”

Watching movies, visiting bookstores, and sometimes inviting her out to play. While all that is happening, could I genuinely assure myself that I wasn’t hurting Young-eun while refusing to reciprocate her feelings? With those bewildering thoughts, I hesitated to grab the bookstore door.

In an unexpected discovery, I came across someone I hadn’t anticipated meeting in a place like this.

Choi Hyuk-jun, who found me at a similar timing, also stopped in his tracks. The girl walking next to him with her arms crossed mirrored his actions. The large bookstore I was now standing in was located in the heart of downtown and was always crowded not far from the bustling entrance. Even now, people hurriedly passed by behind Choi Hyuk-jun. So, his presence, standing there staring at me, was impossible to ignore.

This was the first time I had encountered Choi Hyuk-jun in such a place. Perhaps sharing the same thought, his gaze that had been quietly observing me shifted. The moment I realized that it was directed at Young-eun standing beside me, I unknowingly moved my feet.

“…Oppa?”

I heard Young-eun’s voice behind me, sounding puzzled. I seemed to have surprised her by suddenly standing in front of Choi Hyuk-jun. I swallowed my response and watched as Choi Hyuk-jun moved toward us. I thought he would just walk past if he recognized me, but he was actually walking toward me. When our eyes met, I opened my mouth quickly.

“Young-eun. I’m sorry, but can you go into the bookstore first and pick up a reference book for me?”

“Uh? Sure, I can do that, but weren’t we going in together?”

“I was going to, but I suddenly ran into a friend. I think we need to talk. You know it’s on the second floor, right? The exam preparation book in row C at the very back. It has a green cover.”

Even with a doubtful expression, Young-eun nodded. Looking at her hesitantly holding the door, it seemed she was at least willing to fulfill my request for now.

“Green?”

“Yeah. I’d appreciate it. And take your time coming out.”

While keeping my gaze on Choi Hyuk-jun, I shifted my body. Just then, a crowd of high school students approached the bookstore, blocking my view. The sign of people suddenly disappeared. When I was certain that there was no one behind me, Choi Hyuk-jun stood right in front of me. There was a threshold at the entrance of the bookstore. A difference of about two steps. Naturally, Choi Hyuk-jun and I were at different eye levels.

“You said you were going to the study room.”

Choi Hyuk-jun casually spoke. In the midst of this, I caught a glimpse of him glancing inside the bookstore, and I was sure he had already seen that someone was next to me. I stepped down from the threshold and purposely positioned myself to face Choi Hyuk-jun. His gaze inevitably returned to me.

“I just remembered I needed to buy a reference book, so I stepped out for a moment.”

Due to changing positions, I could see what was happening inside the bookstore just by facing Choi Hyuk-jun. Young-eun was nowhere to be seen, so perhaps she had gone directly to the second floor. Row C was a shelf that would take some time to find since it was quite deep into the room. I needed to buy some time and quickly send Choi Hyuk-jun away.

“What are you doing here? Isn’t it during your tutoring time?”

“Hyuk-jun isn’t tutoring today. Still, since it’s my birthday, we need to have a party.”

The response came from the girl standing next to Choi Hyuk-jun. At the unexpected mention of “birthday,” my attention shifted to him. Choi Hyuk-jun avoided my gaze. Meanwhile, the girl, who was alternating her eyes between us, laughed as if she had realized something.

“I wasn’t sure if Hyuk-jun had friends that looked like you.”

“…”

“Since you didn’t even know it was his birthday, I guess you’re not a friend after all, right?”

Choi Hyuk-jun shrugged off the girl who was hanging onto his arm.

“Stop talking nonsense. It’s annoying.”

Even seeing him irritated, the girl seemed unaffected. Laughing playfully, she pressed him with banter.

“Come on. You can’t be annoyed on your birthday, which only comes once a year!”

The atmosphere they shared and the words exchanged felt like a long-established routine between them. It was as if they had been together for a long time. Noticing that the girl was in a uniform I had never seen before, possibly from another school, I turned my attention back to Choi Hyuk-jun.

“…I didn’t know it was your birthday. I’m sorry.”

Of course, it was possible that he had asked what I was doing after school because it was his birthday. Even if it was just a guess, I felt uncomfortably pressed when thinking of it that way. Choi Hyuk-jun showed no concrete reaction to my apology. It was the girl who spoke again.

“If you’re sorry, why don’t you come to the birthday party? Since it’s been a while, it’ll be fun with all of Hyuk-jun’s friends gathered together.”

“Hey.”

Choi Hyuk-jun blocked the girl. Only when he firmly pulled her arm did she finally close her mouth. Coincidentally, his phone rang. I lowered my gaze. I saw a message from Young-eun.

I hadn’t expected her to find row C so quickly, but seeing that she had even asked the bookstore clerk, it seemed she would be coming out soon. I caught a glimpse of Young-eun making her way down to the first floor through the transparent window of the bookstore. At the same time, Choi Hyuk-jun also appeared on my radar. I thought he had been engaged in conversation with the girl, but surprisingly, he was watching me. Perhaps he was convinced that I wasn’t looking at him, he started to turn away toward the bookstore, but I called out to him quickly.

“Hey.”

The moment our eyes met, I understood it was now or never.

“I’m heading out. Where’s the party at?”

Choi Hyuk-jun lowered his eyes without responding. The moment I realized his gaze was directed at my phone, I instinctively clenched my hand around it. The display was lit up with Young-eun’s message. As I pressed the hold button, the screen darkened. Even if he had spotted that message, I felt he wouldn’t pick up on anything, yet my heart felt anxious. After staring at my empty phone screen for a long moment, Choi Hyuk-jun finally raised his head. His expression was unreadable.

“It’s a place you’ve been to before. My house.”

“…”

“8 o’clock. Don’t be late.”

The moment I heard that last line, the girl at his side frowned, yet she quickly glanced at Choi Hyuk-jun again and closed her mouth. Perhaps it was due to observing how serious he had looked earlier.

“Got it.”

When I replied, Choi Hyuk-jun turned away as if he had wrapped up everything he needed to say.

“Oppa?”

Only after watching the two of them vanish into the crowd did I turn my head. Young-eun was peeking her head out from the bookstore’s door.

“Where’s your friend? Did he leave?”

The innocent expression as she scanned the area beside me felt harmless. A deep sigh of relief escaped my chest. I stepped forward towards Young-eun. Even though I had watched Choi Hyuk-jun leave, I felt anxious as if he might be watching from somewhere. I felt I wouldn’t be able to relax until I had sent Young-eun to a safe location.

“Young-eun.”

“Yeah? Oppa, did you see my text? The book with the green cover is the one for the topic, right? The clerk said…”

“Yeah. I understand what you mean. I’ll handle it, so hurry to your academy.”

“Sure, I’ll go, but about the problem book…”

“Young-eun.”

“…”

“I’m okay, really. I don’t need it. So you can just go.”

Young-eun blinked in confusion, not comprehending me. Instead of explaining, I turned my head away. I caught sight of the boy observing us from not too far away, holding three notebooks that he had likely bought earlier.

“Hey.”

“U-um, me?”

Nodding at the boy who pointed at himself in confusion, he approached hesitantly, his expression puzzled. I quickly asked.

“Do you have pencil leads?”

“Ah… Yes.”

“Can you lend them to Young-eun?”

“Sure, of course…”

I could feel Young-eun’s gaze. I intentionally avoided turning my head toward her.

“Great. Then that’s settled. Since there’s class soon, don’t waste any more time here. Head out quickly. Not through the market; it’ll be dark at night. Even if you have to backtrack, take the main road.”

The boy who had been looking between Young-eun and me finally nodded cautiously.

“Oppa, why do you keep telling me to go? We didn’t get a chance to talk yet.”

Turning around, I felt the hem of my uniform tugged. Young-eun looked aggrieved. The only thing we had done since running into each other today was that I had her find the problem book for me, and we hadn’t really had a proper conversation. It seemed confusing for her that I was suddenly pushing her to leave.

If it had been a normal situation, I might have let Young-eun have her way. I could treat her warmly, even if I couldn’t give her my heart. Just because I couldn’t return someone’s feelings didn’t mean I had to hurt them.

“Young-eun, there’s a bookstore underneath your academy.”

I know that Young-eun comes to this bookstore because of me. Even though there’s a bigger bookstore right below her academy, she still chooses to walk over ten minutes to this one because she knows I often drop by here as the study room is nearby. I refrained from mentioning that for fear of hurting her. However, I realized that what I had kept quiet about was not helping either. If this continued and Young-eun and I became deeply entangled, and something happened, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

“Next time, go to that one. There’s no need for you to go through unnecessary trouble just to come here. Every time I see that…”

“…”

“I honestly find it bothersome and uncomfortable.”

It was the first time I had spoken so assertively to Young-eun. As she bit her lip and lowered her head, she released my hand. Seizing that opportunity, I stepped back. With great effort, I tried to erase the lingering image of her glistening eyes from my mind as I exited the bookstore. The moment I checked my wristwatch, my steps gradually quickened. It was 5:15 PM. I didn’t have much time left.

“Ugh, what are you doing that’s making such a ruckus?”

The taxi driver, while giving me the change, blocked one ear with his hand, sounding irritated. During our drive along the narrow pathway, he had been curious if there were houses in such an area and now, it seemed he couldn’t wait to leave. To fulfill his wish, I quickly got out of the taxi. Even from inside, the loud beat could be felt, and the moment my feet were on the ground, the music reverberated even more. The volume was set so loud that just standing there made me feel like it was striking my entire body.

Choi Hyuk-jun’s house didn’t appear much different from a few months ago. It was bizarrely luxurious, with an elaborate fountain among other things, bushes, and well-kept grass that were quite visible even in the dark. If there was anything different, it was just the bluish light leaking through the windows, which gradually turned red and yellow. Though the curtains were drawn in every window, I slowly moved forward, staring at the light that spilled out despite the gaps.