FBF chapter 10 part 10

I just postponed this moment; it wasn’t that I didn’t know.

Perhaps because the size of the scrape on my cheek had diminished, Lee Jihoon removed the band-aid he had been wearing for over a week. If it continued to fade like this, the scar would gradually become invisible, and eventually, there wouldn’t be anyone who knew what had been there in the first place.

I hoped my feelings for you would be the same. By then, I would be able to tell you more sincerely.

That you and your girlfriend look good together.

I returned home after studying until the usual time, holding a cake box in my hands. An unexpected figure was standing in front of my house.

“Are you just coming now?”

It was Young-eun. I couldn’t tell how long she had been waiting, but her cheeks were reddened from the cold. Yet, as soon as she saw me, she smiled brightly. She approached me, surprised that I was frozen in place.

“I came to give you this.”

What Young-eun handed me was a cake box. It was wrapped with a ribbon, and it was similar in size to the cake I was holding. As I was quietly looking down at the box, she spoke up, her anxiousness showing through her smile.

“I went out to the city earlier and remembered that your birthday was coming up, so I bought this. Everyone will be blowing out the candles together, but I wanted to give you something separately…”

Young-eun hesitated the moment our eyes met, as if afraid that I might reject her.

I recalled the time years ago when she had handed me snacks, thinking I was leaving Taean. Since then, she had given me many gifts for various reasons. Even though she was the one giving them, she always watched my reaction with fearful eyes, as if she feared I might refuse.

So, I always accepted her gifts. As soon as I took a present from her, I would think, watching her brighten up with a smile, that this way, Young-eun wouldn’t get hurt. As if in response to that, I would give her a present too. The scarf she was wearing now was something I had given her two years ago.

However, I could no longer do that. No matter how I wrapped it, it would only be an act of inflicting false hope, and it would only make Young-eun suffer more.

“Young-eun, thank you.”

“……”

“I’m grateful, but I can’t accept this.”

If I hadn’t bought a cake for Lee Jihoon today, would it have been easier if Young-eun hadn’t chosen a cake box the same size as mine? But I had already experienced this and knew what kind of feelings lay behind such gestures. I didn’t have the courage to accept something from someone who would hand it over while grasping the same feelings I held.

Young-eun seemed momentarily at a loss for words. She stared at me as if she couldn’t believe I was acting so coldly, similar to when I had tried to send her off at the bookstore. After looking at me to that extent, she finally asked in a resentful tone.

“Why?”

Just looking at Young-eun’s eyes welling up with tears hurt my heart. Still, I didn’t reach out to accept the present nor did I step closer as I had before. I merely kept watching her quietly. Perhaps that’s why she looked even more heartbroken.

“Why can’t I even do this? Is it because I’m not your girlfriend?”

“…….”

“I’m not confessing or anything. I just want you to accept this. It’s your birthday soon, after all. I want to give it to you separately. Why am I not allowed to do even this? What can I do then? Should I have brought Kang Youngsoo and given it to you together as if I was treating you like a friend?”

Young-eun wasn’t the type to throw a tantrum. She had never been like that since childhood. Kang Youngsoo mentioned this fact and found it strange. He said that while she wouldn’t back down during fights with him, she would hold back whenever an opportunity arose to ask for something. Perhaps she was growing up too soon, which didn’t match her personality, he reasoned.

That was why I realized that in this moment when Young-eun could no longer hold back, she had finally shed all pretenses and was ready to let everything out, pouring out her words continuously.

“Yes. To be honest, I didn’t give up. It’s not that I haven’t tried; I can’t help it. I’ve been making efforts in my own way, but it hasn’t worked out. I want to see your face at least once more, no matter what excuses I have to make. I’m always anxious thinking you might get a girlfriend while I’m not looking. I check the websites of your ex-girlfriends to see if your name comes up, and ask Kang Youngsoo every chance I get if he knows anything.”

“…….”

“Still… there are feelings that can’t be given up on. You don’t have a girlfriend yet, so I can still hold onto that glimmer of hope. Even if you don’t like me now, it’s okay to think that there might be a chance someday. Do you know that? If you think about it, you’ve never told me to stop liking you. You just keep postponing it, saying you’ll consider it when I’m older, and avoided saying whether you truly feel that way. You never once!”

“Young-eun.”

How did we end up resembling each other in this way?

“I don’t dislike you.”

To be honest, I might have thought about it at least once. That was the most familiar path I had walked in my life, and I cared for Young-eun enough. Even if she weren’t Kang Youngsoo’s sister, I might have talked to her at some point. Maybe if my heart had been more inclined, we could have dated.

So, if I hadn’t met Lee Jihoon.

“I like someone else.”

It was the first time. While liking Lee Jihoon, I had never mentioned this fact to anyone before. It wasn’t just that I liked Lee Jihoon; I had hidden the fact that I liked someone else too. I couldn’t even admit it to myself.

Maybe I had hoped that this was just a passing feeling. Just as I wished Young-eun’s feelings toward me would be like a fleeting breeze, I hoped my feelings for Lee Jihoon would be the same.

“I’m sorry.”

The look in Young-eun’s eyes, which froze as if she had received a shock, reflected me entirely. To the figure of myself reflected in her eyes, I spoke once more.

“I’m sorry, Young-eun. I… hope you find happiness.”

The feelings I wished would pass had remained in one place all along, and maybe it was time to acknowledge that I might never receive a return for them.

It was late at night. Even though it wasn’t a long distance since we lived in the same town, I felt I had to take Young-eun home to ease my heart, even if she showed signs of disliking it. She walked without saying a word, even knowing I was walking behind her, and didn’t look back until she entered her house.

“Hey, pig. Did you go for some exercise on a moonlit night?”

Kang Youngsoo, standing in front of the house, didn’t indulge in the joke and turned around, following Young-eun with his gaze before asking me.

“Why is she crying?”

The expression of the serious guy gradually changed as our eyes met. His gaze was sharp, catching onto many things without needing an explanation. This situation had been similar before. However, it was the first time seeing Young-eun cry. I didn’t say a word. Kang Youngsoo let out a deep sigh before speaking to me.

“Ugh! Do you remember what we talked about back then?”

“…Yeah.”

“Don’t feel upset. Anyway, I’m her older brother.”

It was a long-ago conversation, but I remembered it well. It was the summer before third-year middle school, just before I fell asleep in my room, when Kang Youngsoo hugged me and mumbled those words. I could tell without asking that he was recalling the same moment. I waited until I confirmed that he hurriedly entered his house to return home myself.

My grandfather was already asleep. The dim light above the storage that he always kept on for those late nights was the only source of light illuminating the space. I took weary steps. Tonight, I wanted to sleep without thinking about anything. I went straight into my room and placed the cake I was holding on my desk.

I started to take off my coat but then looked back at the desk.

Next to the cake was something I had never placed there before. It was an unwrapped box, exposing its exterior with drawings on it.

I approached the desk and picked up the box. A yellow sticky note was attached to the top. It was clear that whoever left it in my room had put it there.

[Don’t go around being told you’re old-fashioned. It breaks my heart.]

The moment I recognized the familiar handwriting, I instinctively poked it with my finger. It was hastily written, likely in a rush with a computer marker. The letters blurred, and I couldn’t help that my emotions spilled out.

The birthday present Lee Jihoon had prepared for me was an MP3 player. He must have heard what Choi Hyuk-jun said that day and had not forgotten it until today.

“What are you looking for?”

The sound of footsteps had no effect; my grandfather woke up just from me opening the drawer in the living room. I hesitated for a moment, seeing him rise with his tousled hair, but I eventually spoke the truth.

“I was looking for the acupuncture needle you used when you had a stomachache. I think I have one too. I tried to hold it in, but it keeps hurting….”

My grandfather didn’t ask further. Groaning, he got out of his bed, and soon he came into the living room. The acupuncture needle I was looking for was not in the living room drawer but in the small drawer at the kitchen entrance. I reached out to take the one he was holding, but he simply reached for the tissue next to him. He picked up about four squares of tissue and left the living room first.

It was 4 a.m. The outside world wasn’t yet bright. Perhaps it had snowed overnight, as a thin layer of snow had accumulated in the yard. I looked at my grandfather, who was pulling my arms tightly together. He firmly held my left thumb while pressing the button on the acupuncture needle with his other hand.

“…Ah.”

It was a fleeting pain that was embarrassing enough to hear myself groan. Dark red blood was flowing out just below my thumbnail. I had seen my grandfather draw his blood many times, but it was my first time using the acupuncture needle myself. Unlike what I had hoped, my discomfort didn’t go away immediately. However, seeing the blood that had been stuck somewhere flowing out strangely felt reassuring.

My grandfather, who pressed down on the area beneath my thumbnail until the bleeding stopped, soon grabbed my right hand. The light flowing from his room was quite bright. As I looked at his white hair leaning down toward me, I nervously squeezed my non-bleeding left hand. I hadn’t planned to say this, but as soon as I let it out, I realized it was something I could easily share on a night like this.

“I had my last career consultation with my homeroom teacher today.”

My grandfather paused briefly but only tightened his grip on my hand without any further comment. As if, until I said it first, he had never inquired into my grades. However, it was easy to tell that he was listening attentively. So, I quietly opened my mouth.

“I’m planning to go to the police academy.”

I heard that my dad had argued with my grandfather for a long time about my career path. No matter how they spoke, their opinions never converged, and conflicts only deepened. Eventually, my dad chose to leave for Seoul, deciding not to see my grandfather any longer.

It was a fragment of information my grandfather had shared one winter day. He wore an expression of solitude, one that no one could dare imitate while sharing that story. So, I stopped asking further.

I felt nervous about what he would think about my career choice. Unlike my dad, I had no confidence that I wouldn’t see my grandfather again.

Instead of answering, my grandfather adjusted his grip on my hand. At that moment, my hand tingled. He drew the tissue he had set beside him and pressed it down over my thumb. He didn’t lift his gaze to meet mine. Only after a long while did he ask.

“Is that what you want to do?”

I nodded and let out a voice after realizing he couldn’t see my head, focusing instead on my hand.

“Yes.”

My grandfather was a police officer. I had heard that before my dad left this house.

“…I see.”

After finishing that statement, my grandfather didn’t say another word. He kept pressing the tissue on my now-stopped bleeding thumbnail while his gaze lingered outside, lost in thought. I followed his gaze and turned my head.

It was snowing again. Fluffy snow piled up on the jars in the yard, and on the clothesline, the weightless flakes stacked up. With my eyes fixed on that scene, I spoke to my grandfather.

“I’ve been getting nosebleeds unusually often lately.”

My grandfather seemed to remain silent, as if he hadn’t heard me, and then he said it in passing. His gaze was following the falling snow instead of the accumulating one.

“Your dad was like that too.”

It had been a while since my grandfather had mentioned my dad first. I pondered the reason briefly, recalling how my dad occasionally stood for a long time in the living room, looking outside on snowy days. Maybe, even though they were in different places, they were perhaps thinking of the same thing.

“…Did you too, grandfather?”

My grandfather turned his head. When our eyes met, he smiled faintly, as if he understood why I had asked. He slowly nodded his head. Before his faint smile faded, I spoke.

“Then I’ll choose to take after you, grandfather.”

I recalled the new seaweed that had been placed in a bag atop the corner cabinet in the kitchen. Remembering the evidence of affection prepared by my grandfather for my birthday, I calmed my heart.

I should enjoy the snow a bit more before falling asleep. When I wake up, I’ll study as usual, and the day after tomorrow, I’ll eat the seaweed soup that my grandfather prepared for me right upon waking, and we’ll enjoy a modest birthday cake together.

By then, the inexplicable abdominal pain that had kept me tossing and turning all night and the nosebleeds that sometimes came without reason would likely have stopped.

Just as the snow that accumulated all night would eventually disappear without a trace in an instant.

Perhaps my feelings for Lee Jihoon could be like that too.

All I could do was stand by his side. I hoped that the feelings that gathered and melted away repeatedly would someday completely dissolve and disappear without a sound, just as they came.