FBF chapter 23 part 1
by Volare“Ji Seon-uk patient. You can go in.”
“…….”
“Ji Seon-uk patient?”
“…Ah, yes.”
I realized too late that the voice, which I had dismissed as not directed at me, was indeed aimed at me. The nurse, glancing at me after I awkwardly stood up, kindly gestured towards the consultation room.
“The doctor is waiting inside.”
Understanding that a similar event happened two weeks ago, I nodded awkwardly. I wondered how many others like me felt uncomfortable just being labeled as a “patient,” even after undergoing surgery.
The check-up was the same as always. The doctor inspected the wound, which no longer required disinfection, and reviewed today’s brain scans to check if any new growth had developed. After answering questions about any headaches, medication adherence, recent lifestyle changes, or any unusual symptoms, I was told to come back in two weeks.
Fortunately, the doctor today said to come back in a month instead of two weeks. I felt a sense of relief, as I had been anxious that, even after two months post-surgery, I might still be on the shorter follow-up schedule. Leaving the consultation room with a lighter heart, I turned back and realized I had a question for the doctor if the results were good.
“Um….”
The typing paused. Meeting the doctor’s business-like gaze as he was entering something on the computer, I reviewed the words I wanted to say. I was finally ready to voice something I hadn’t been able to say in the past two months of biweekly check-ups.
“Is there any chance I can return to normal daily activities?”
The doctor’s gaze lingered on me. It seemed he didn’t quite grasp what I had asked. He looked momentarily flustered, checking a spot where he had made notes during my examination. His reaction read as, “What are you suddenly asking after you answered everything correctly?”
Before he could get too confused, I spoke again.
“Things like driving or exercising…”
“Oh….”
“I know it’s better to avoid doing them if I can…”
“……”
“I’m just feeling a bit frustrated.”
Only then did the doctor’s expression shift, indicating that he finally understood my query. A short “Ah” escaped his lips as he tilted his head to scratch his forehead. I carefully observed the moment when an uncomfortable look crossed his face, and I felt like I had already gotten my answer. It seemed he understood exactly what I wanted. And why I was asking this just now, when the situation had improved a bit.
When he finally replied, I could tell he was making an effort to smile, though it didn’t mask the underlying disappointment his answer would carry.
“As I mentioned before, driving and exercising are both fine. Light driving or a gentle walk shouldn’t be a problem; in fact, I encourage it.”
“……”
“However, you should be aware that it will take time to return to your previous level of activity. This isn’t just for your safety, but for the peace of mind of those around you.”
The words from the doctor felt like a blow to the fragile thread of hope I was clinging to. I wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut. Without a definite answer, I could at least use that as an excuse, but now, having heard these warnings, trying to ignore them would be blatant disregard for the guidelines.
From the moment the doctor mentioned “those around you,” my instinct to argue vanished. I thought briefly of someone who had been saying the same thing even before I asked.
It had been two months since the surgery, and I realized I hadn’t driven in all that time. Initially, the hospital only suggested holding off on activities since there might be complications in daily life. But Lee Jihoon, always attentive to every single word from the doctors, had taken this suggestion seriously.
“How about we avoid driving for a while? I’ll be around, and you can take a taxi if you need to.”
He had brought up a real case of someone who had driven post-surgery only to experience dizziness and narrow vision leading to an accident, all while wearing a serious expression. I can’t help but think it was excessive protection, but I couldn’t refuse.
It was clear to anyone that he was sacrificing a lot for me. Especially lately, Lee Jihoon seemed troubled by the idea of me being home alone. He insisted on only taking short flights, and whenever he had the chance, he would come back to check on me in Korea. Knowing all this, I couldn’t create any more worries for him just because I felt a bit suffocated by my own limitations.
With this in mind, I nodded heavily instead of asking more questions. Thank you. As soon as I managed to schedule my next outpatient appointment and excitedly left the hospital, I received a call from Lee Jihoon. It was 3 PM, and he had clearly calculated that my appointment was at 2 PM. I cleared my throat before answering. This consultation was the first one he hadn’t accompanied me to. I had to dissuade him from asking our mutual friend Kang Youngsoo to come with me immediately upon realizing he could neither change his flight schedule nor mine.
“Hello.”
– How was the check-up?
Even his first question reminded me of the purpose of the call. I swallowed a sigh and settled onto a chair in the lobby while tossing the medication bag beside me.
“It’s fine, all good.”
– Did you check the brain scans?
“Yeah. Everything came back normal, and I’ve scheduled the next check-up for a month from now.”
– Thank goodness. What about the medication?
“He said it looks like I can reduce the dosage. I only picked up a two-week supply for now.”
Lee Jihoon, who seamlessly followed up with questions, paused for the first time. I could hear the relief in his breath as I glanced at the clock. It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was already midnight in the city where he was. Like the doctor earlier, I scratched my forehead. There are things one must say, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear them, even if that person is my boyfriend, and I don’t want to spoil his mood.
“…I’m fine, so just hang up and sleep already. It’s 3 AM there.”
After a moment of silence, I heard a light chuckle from Lee Jihoon.
– You always want me to go to bed. Am I a child?
Hearing him say “child” in a voice that was completely at odds with the word made me scratch my cheek awkwardly. I feel like he keeps using that word lately because he calls me so often, but to be fair, it was Lee Jihoon’s fault as well, for always checking on my health regardless of the time.
However, addressing that fact would mean I’d have to explain why he was checking on me so insistent, leading to the same conclusions again. So, I pulled out a line among the things we could say to avoid further frictions, one with the highest chance of persuading him.
“But you have an early flight tomorrow. You need to take care of your condition.”
Fortunately, Lee Jihoon didn’t counter that. Preparing to end the call, I got up from my seat. The lobby of the university hospital was crowded as always. Sick people, those who had been sick, and people who lived unaware of the fact that they might someday fall ill hurried past each other. I was among those trying to be a “former patient,” keeping my gaze straight as I walked. Just as I was about to head to the underground parking lot, I suddenly realized I was still an “injured person.” Momentarily pausing, I turned around to hail a taxi. Just as I was about to dial, I heard Lee Jihoon’s voice, who was still on the line.
– Still in the lobby?
Having gone quiet for a moment, it seemed he had listened closely to the background noises. Knowing him for so long, I didn’t think much about it and responded casually.
“Yeah, I’m heading for a taxi.”
– Don’t do that, wait.
“Why?”
– Kang Youngsoo will arrive in ten minutes.
“…What?”
– I love you as well. See you tomorrow.
The call ended quickly, as though anticipating my retort. I blankly stared at my phone with its shining screen, and noticed a message notification that had come in while we spoke.
Kang Youngsoo
Seon-uk, I’ll arrive in about ten minutes if I get one more left turn signal >< Call me when I’m with you, it’s cold here. 2:57 PM
I took a deep breath, feeling a bit stuck. I plopped back down into my previous seat as if lifting myself had been a waste. The moment I looked at the medication bag next to me with my name label on it, I realized I had almost left it behind. I grasped the bag and decided to place it on my lap. It occurred to me that I was alone in forgetting I was a patient.
[One of the characteristics of this place is…]
The video I had turned on an hour ago had very few memorable lines. I watched a reporter’s humorous and extensive expressions as she introduced the delicacies that could be tasted only in Veracruz, Mexico’s largest port city, yet my mind wandered to thoughts of Lee Jihoon, who was completely unlike her. The trivial comment Kang Youngsoo had made as he dropped me off at home yesterday spun in my head, causing a whirl of confusion.
“Well, I know getting a job there is tough for that guy, but… if he plans to settle in Korea, it might not be a bad option. Besides, he’s trying to move to a major airline.”
Kang Youngsoo was nonchalant while sharing the news that Lee Jihoon was considering a shift to a domestic airline. Perhaps it was a natural response. As friends, he could express a mild surprise yet choose not to meddle overly, lightly shrugging off the discussion.
As soon as I heard the news, I remembered the expression on Lee Jihoon’s face just before leaving for the recent flight as he glanced back at me. I now wondered if I couldn’t just let it go since we were no longer just friends. Did my growing suspicion about his sudden decision to switch to a domestic airline come from worry that it was because of me, even though he seemed completely disinterested in such airlines after returning to Korea?
I snapped out of my thoughts upon hearing the sound of a message alert. I quickly grabbed my phone and opened a new message from Lee Jihoon. It indicated that he had arrived at the airport and was on his way home. I knew he had begun to worry that he might have to drive for over an hour to pick me up at the airport. It had become a habit of his lately—to send messages like "Stay there, I’ll come."
In a sense, this was one of those things too. If I hadn’t been sick, he wouldn’t need to go so far for me.
“……”
As I looked down at the message, I knew Lee Jihoon wouldn't see it while driving, yet I typed a brief response saying I understood. After playing the documentary that still didn’t register in my mind for a little longer, I finally turned off the TV and got up ten minutes before his arrival.
I intended to go out to greet him, despite the fact that the underground parking lot of my apartment—only a few steps away—was soon to be reached.
Lee Jihoon arrived precisely at the time he had messaged me before we departed. Not late, nor early. It was about ten minutes slower than when I had once tipped a taxi driver double the fare for a quick trip and fined slightly faster than normal driving, taking into account traffic conditions.
"Isn't it cold? Why are you out here?"
His rolling suitcase seemed to move faster as he entered the underground parking area, probably because he spotted me standing in front of the elevator. Without any hesitation, he walked briskly towards me. The first thing he did upon reaching me was to fasten the buttons of my cardigan. I barely managed to suppress the urge to remind him that he didn’t need to treat me as a patient.
"It’s just down below; it’s not cold at all…."
I stopped mid-sentence, realizing that my words sounded quite curt even to my ears. I had done a decent job in hiding how I felt about these constant concerns he expressed for me, yet I felt like I had slipped with that last remark. It likely stemmed from the words I had heard from Kang Youngsoo yesterday still lingering in my mind. I carefully studied Lee Jihoon’s expression as I bit my lip.
"Really? I feel a bit cold."
Fortunately, Lee Jihoon brushed it off with a smile, seemingly unaware of my discomfort. He pulled back the hand he had extended towards my bag, and then gently held my arm. As he lightly pressed my back towards the elevator, I arrived at the entrance where he pressed the button.
“And you can kiss me right as you step through the front door."
He glanced over my shoulder to see who else might be in the parking lot. The sound of tires squeaking against the pavement announced that someone else was around. The second sound of squeaking made him frown slightly, but he quickly adjusted his expression.
“Well, it’s not like Ji Seon-uk’s lips are going anywhere, right?”
As he spoke, his fingers lightly pressed down on my bottom lip. I felt my ears heat up, even as I tried slipping away from his playful gaze. It was a phrase I could never grow accustomed to, no matter how many times I heard it.
The moment the elevator doors closed, he pressed his lips against mine. It was a quick peck as he hadn’t slipped his tongue in yet, but it felt overwhelming as he kissed me continuously, as if timing the next moments just right. The smacking sound resounded more than just a simple peck, almost in a way that made me think, "Should I just keep kissing without pulling away?"
The handle of the suitcase slid from my grip. Lee Jihoon, sensing that I was about to lose it, snatched the suitcase from my hand and threw it aside, the thud echoing in the small space. I briefly worried about whether anything had broken inside as I started to turn my head, but Lee Jihoon caught me by the chin, pushing my attention back to him, his lips pressed against mine in heated urgency.
“Did you miss me?”
Before I could answer, his lips pressed back against mine again.
“I was dying to—huh?”
The soft kisses felt desperate. He kept speaking even as our lips separated for just a brief moment.
“I thought I’d die wanting to do this.”
Once, twice, thrice. Our lips collided again and again. Each sound that reverberated as we kissed felt completely new, leaving me embarrassingly silent as I struggled to keep my lips sealed. It didn’t seem like he was hoping for a response anyway.
I decided to move my body instead of trying to speak. As this prompted me to take initiative, I realized I had a thought in mind today. I let him plant kisses on my lips a little while longer, however, the moment the pace of his kisses slackened, I slipped my hands around his waist and pulled him closer to me. Feeling his surprise but unfazed, I pressed my tongue into his mouth, lost in the intimacy, and gently caressed the back of his neck.
Lee Jihoon’s tongue tasted like mint. He must have been chewing candy while driving back home after leaving me. I hadn’t asked him, but I suspected it was because of me that he had quit smoking recently. He had begun carrying around other things to pop in his mouth instead. If you opened the kitchen cabinet, you would find a selection of sugar-free candy laid out. I personally didn’t care for eating candy, but indulging through Lee Jihoon’s tongue was different. I savored the sweet, refreshing taste that kissed the back of my throat while keeping my attention focused on him.
The kiss continued smoothly. I almost believed that if the clasp of his belt hadn’t slipped out of its loop, we were headed straight for sex.
"Seon-uk."
Lee Jihoon’s voice brought me back from the euphoria. I pulled back slightly, realizing he was smiling awkwardly, almost as if seeking a way out of this situation.
"How about we eat first? Good things come after meals."
I had experienced this annoyance far too many times in the last two months to feel surprised. Initially, I had thought he seemed uncomfortable but now I realized he was just trying to cut off this growing atmosphere, which I had come to recognize as a way of not wanting to dive into further intimacy. Knowing that it was now quite obvious to me that he was completely direct about wanting to avoid sex, I felt depleted even thinking about the inevitable conversation we’d have after dinner.
So, this was merely another way for him to protect me, and an excuse to avoid having sex with me. Lots of kisses, sweet little touches—all the things that led to that last act, deliberately shunned.
It seemed like it was time to break free from being treated like a patient. I shook my head decisively.
"Let’s do it first."
Lee Jihoon’s expression turned even more bewildered. He knew exactly what I meant. Kissing him right after he returned from a flight had practically become a ritual, yet having sex after all this time felt like newer territory for me. Instead of explaining my reasoning, I cupped his face in both hands and lowered it down, shoving my tongue inside his mouth one more time while undoing his belt. At the same time, I set my feet in motion towards the bedroom.
For all that he was struggling, Lee Jihoon correctly received my advances, though it also was clear he wasn’t fully immersed in what was happening. This was something I knew would change once we lay down together.
As we surpassed the threshold of the door, I felt his hesitance as I paused before the bed. I pulled his shoulders gently toward the headboard and climbed onto him carefully, ensuring his head wouldn’t bang against it.
"Ah, this is a bit…deviant…"
He hesitated just as I was about to press my lips back to his. His face displayed uncertainty. His entangled emotions were too complex for me to decipher. Just as I recognized a familiar look in his eyes, I suddenly felt heavy-hearted.
I knew because I had slept with him before; right now, it wasn’t arousal—it was concern for me that was showing. I thought he might feel different now that we reached the bed, but that didn’t seem to be the case. The resolve I had set felt flimsy as the desire to continue waned. What was the point of having sex if he would fret the entire time about my wellbeing?
I felt like it was hopeless. After concluding my thoughts, I got back on my feet and pulled the white T-shirt I had removed back on. I couldn't bear to see Lee Jihoon’s face after rejecting him so directly. Keeping my eyes focused on the sheets, I spoke as unemotionally as I could.
“…Fine. Let’s eat.”
But it was Lee Jihoon who prevented me from stepping down from the bed.
“Hey. Seon-uk.”
His firm grip on my arm turned my eyes back, where I met his gaze, squeezing a bit more strength into his hold. Ever since he recognized my condition, he had treated me carefully, as if I were fragile glass, but now this side of him felt intense.
“…Ah!”
I stumbled as he leaned forward. I instinctively tried to get up, but it failed since he had locked me down tightly behind my back. When I looked up, frowning, I was met with his gaze once more.
“What are you doing?”
Instead of answering, Lee Jihoon leaned his head down, brushing our lips together. I thought it would just be a peck, yet he bit my bottom lip gently and slipped his tongue in. The kiss that followed felt intentional, almost like it had been prepared.
It felt like he was speaking with his kiss, taking a long roundabout instead of going the direct route. The tongue that entered parted my lips softly, teasing the warm flesh inside. It didn’t take long for him to pull away, as when I was finally filled with warmth, he gauged that it was time to break apart. Still, the remnants of the kiss allowed us to gaze at each other more gently than before.
Seizing the moment, Lee Jihoon spoke again.
“I’m not doing this because I don’t want to be with you.”