FBF chapter 22 part 2
by Volare“They offered me a lead role. They want me to shoulder all the responsibilities, and if it fails, I’m the one to take the fall. The way they’re being so transparent about their intentions, it’s almost laughable.”
As the laughter faded, the woman locked eyes with me. It was only when I saw her challenging gaze that I understood how she could speak about such degrading matters with a smile. That gaze was directed towards the future. Eyes that envisioned giving humiliation to those who had disregarded her, and dreaming of achieving something far greater.
It was strange that I felt included in that gaze. This time, the woman chose to explain things kindly rather than waiting for me to figure it out on my own. I finally realized that her demeanor resembled that of someone trying to persuade judges and juries in court.
“But if those people had considered the odds, wouldn’t they have realized the chance of me running into you was quite high?”
Next was the time for supporting her claims. More principled than I expected, she followed my predictions.
“G&U dropped the Choi Jeong-ho lawsuit. I heard they already received hundreds of millions in advance; no one knows why they threw that all away, so no one dares to step in. If they gave up there, the chance of success with any other law firm would be extremely low.”
“……”
“Byung-suk, who was supposed to be appointed as the head of the Chuncheon District Prosecutor’s Office, changed his mind and decided to stay in Seoul, right? The precise reason hasn’t been disclosed either. For a while, it’ll be quite the spectacle watching the power struggles at the prosecutor’s office. It was well known that his family had quite a background since he was a prosecutor, and the guy trying to replace Byung-suk is actually close to Choi Jeong-ho.”
The information pouring out of her mouth felt foreign. Yet, the names she referred to were not. Suddenly, I realized why she had started her story with an investigation. There was no way she would have known this information otherwise.
Now, my only doubt was what the woman hoped to gain by being so honest. I asked directly, “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because it’s important that you’re on my side.”
“……”
“It may not sound like something a professional would say, but I don’t have any great protective instincts for my clients. After all, they did commit a drug offense, didn’t they? They need to be punished.”
“……”
“But it doesn’t make sense for my dad, who has suspicions of embezzlement, drug smuggling, and aggravated assault, to get the blame as well. Don’t you think? What kind of actor, with a filmography that barely fits on one hand, would have the courage and resources to pull off something so grand that it would be talked about as a major scandal?”
Finally, her expression turned serious.
“We need to win at all costs. For that, we need a lot of allies. Having someone like Seon-uk here, who can disrupt the ecosystem, would be even better.”
“I understand what you’re saying, but thinking that this situation arose because of me is a bit of a stretch.”
“No, it’s true.”
“……”
“Do you think all of this working in our favor is just sheer luck? And….”
Seeing me close my mouth, the woman appeared to contemplate something for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders playfully.
“Although I wasn’t the one being set up for a blind date, I really liked the shirt you picked for Youngsoo to wear. The fact that I accidentally spilled soda on that shirt is quite the coincidence, isn’t it? It also turned out to be the reason I got to know you.”
I hadn’t noticed it before, but whenever she spoke about Kang Youngsoo, her eyes sparkled. Looking at her eyes filled with affection made me think that Youngsoo would have liked this if he had heard it. If he was the kind of person who memorized lines from his favorite dramas, he might even recite those words he just heard.
Even though I knew it was a sudden question, I couldn’t help but ask.
“Are you really going to marry Youngsoo?”
“Why? Shouldn’t I?”
“No.”
Her brief reply felt like some sort of riddle she had solved, and for the first time, she smiled brightly. Then, her expression turned serious as she gave me a warning.
“If you two fight, don’t ever let him stay at your place — send him back home.”
Their home? The moment I paused, she looked at me nonchalantly.
“I heard you were living with Jihoon. Is that not true?”
Ah…
She must have heard from Kang Youngsoo that we were living together.
Though Youngsoo didn’t know about the circumstances that led to Jihoon leaving my home. And even Jihoon and I hadn’t discussed how we would live after leaving the hospital.
As I looked down, pondering, I began to nod slowly, without rushing it. The woman, who had been watching intently, abruptly opened her mouth. In her hand, there was now an unfamiliar word.
“Seon-uk’s roommate sounds quite formidable.”
“……”
“Did you think I got this time easily? I came in as the only daughter of the 29th generation of the Gyeongju Choi clan.”
Regardless of whether I paused in confusion or not, the chess match continued. She soon exclaimed as if she had scored a triumphant victory.
“Checkmate!”
* * *
“Did I take you all the way to the terminal?”
“Yeah. Dad asked me to give you this.”
As Jihoon took off his padded jacket, he pushed a large box with the name of a luxury confectionery shop towards me. It was no surprise that Jihoon’s father had brought something for me even while visiting from Taean to Seoul. I was constantly reminded of the immense kindness I could never repay. I planned to call and thank him once they arrived in Taean, yet I couldn’t help but fixate on Jihoon’s back as he turned to hang up his clothes.
When Jihoon turned around and saw me staring, he had a brief look of surprise before giving a sheepish smile and touching his cheek.
“What? Do I have something on my face?”
“No. Just…”
With the routine check-ups from the medical staff and sporadic visits from Kang Youngsoo, I realized that there wasn’t much time when Jihoon and I were alone together. Observing his hesitance, I turned my head toward the window. Since it was a high room, I couldn’t see outside well unless I approached the window. Aside from mornings when the window was opened for ventilation, it was hard to gauge the weather outside.
Today, there weren’t many clues outside to predict the temperature. I recalled the temperature I had looked up on my cellphone — 0 degrees. An ambiguous number, neither above nor below freezing. It didn’t seem too cold, but just in case, I would rely on Jihoon, who had just returned from outside.
“Is it cold outside?”
“Yeah.”
“Cold enough to walk?”
“I don’t think it’s that bad.”
“Well then, shall we go out for a walk?”
Jihoon paused and looked at me. Seeing his surprised expression at my unexpected suggestion, I didn’t back down. Instead, I slipped off my bed to put on my shoes. Although the IV drip I had to carry until the day I was discharged was somewhat cumbersome, I could walk without any problems. Realizing that there was no reason to stop me while I stood there, Jihoon approached and draped his jacket over my shoulders. Instead of saying anything, I held onto the jacket to keep it from sliding down and took my first steps.
“I didn’t know a place like this existed. Why didn’t I find out sooner?”
Jihoon looked around in amazement at the empty lounge. Looking at him scanning the area, I realized this was the first time I had brought someone here.
I took a seat on the bench first and patted the spot beside me. Jihoon obediently joined me, though he also looked up at the bare branches of the tree directly above us.
“……”
“……”
The occasional breeze that brushed our cheeks was chilly but not unpleasant. Perhaps it was due to the unusual high temperatures caused by environmental pollution as mentioned in the news, or maybe the coldest days of winter had already passed while I was lying in bed. Either way, I was thankful.
Jihoon tends to feel the cold quite a bit. The weather wasn’t too cold, and it was nice that we could walk together. That also made it easier for me to initiate a conversation.
I arranged my thoughts to ensure I was ready to speak. After reminding myself what I wanted to say first, I turned back to Jihoon.
“When are you going back to work?”
Jihoon stared at me without answering. The expression on his face indicated that he knew this moment had arrived. It was the first time I was asking since the similar question I posed shortly after the surgery was dodged by him.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t been curious since that day; I hesitated because I didn’t want him to feel shunned. Even now, I chose my words carefully so he wouldn’t feel any negativity. Every single word felt significant this time. But it was worth it since it was Jihoon.
“Considering that you returned to work earlier than expected last time, given various circumstances… it seems like you’ve already taken your leave.”
Since tomorrow was my discharge day, it was a question that needed to be asked. It was also something I could no longer postpone. From the moment I was admitted, we had acted as if we had a joint homework to address. We had focused solely on my surgery and recovery, while the other equally important matters were set aside for the time being.
I realized that I needed to be the one to deal with what was left. I was also curious to know if Jihoon was ready for that.
“When’s your next flight?”
Jihoon, who had been watching me in silence for a while, leaned forward. Internally struggling with his arms resting on his knees, he blandly responded, “It’s the day after tomorrow, but I’m currently looking for someone to replace me.”
In his hand were two takeaway cups of empty lemonade. The act of stacking each unremarkable cup and dropping them only emphasized that his words were nothing of great importance.
As I watched Jihoon’s profile, I nodded. Then I bent forward like him, looking straight ahead and reflecting on the fact that we were both gazing at the same point. Sometimes, it was necessary to vocalize that fact to reassure each other and avoid any misunderstandings.
“The lease for my current place is ending soon.”
The prepared words came easily. Having adjusted them multiple times while lying in the hospital and seeing Jihoon, I was ready.
“I’m not moving down to Seosan. However….”
I sensed Jihoon turning his head toward me. I took a moment to breathe before speaking. What came next was important.
“I have a few things that need to be sorted out.”
Knowing there was no need to rush, I turned my head slowly. I calmly spoke to him once our eyes met.
“I think we can do something once that’s taken care of.”
I remembered the incident when I hurt him last time. The night we had to face after being apart for various reasons was not one I cherished. Even enduring discomfort while sleeping on the bothersome sofa during my stay made me wonder if his sadness was because of what happened that night.
However, now I confronted that pain and sought our future by overcoming it together. I knew there were parts of his unease that I could change with effort. Instead of discarding those fragments, I decided to redirect them. I needed to clarify to Jihoon that this was not meant to hurt him.
“In case you misunderstand… I’m not avoiding it. It’s not about running away either.”
“……”
“I won’t do those things to you again.”
And more than anything…
“Just because you were hurt and came back to me, I don’t want to brush it under the rug.”
“……”
“I want to do well since we started this with difficulty. That’s why.”
“I understand.”
I was surprised by Jihoon’s response. The sound that echoed when the stacked takeaway cups fell into the empty trash can was brisk. I saw Jihoon, who had fully turned to me now.
“I trust you.”
I felt the hand that helped zip up the fabric of the jacket that flowed from his shoulder. Once he zipped it up all the way, Jihoon met my gaze. He smiled. As if that alone made everything else okay. If we could exchange glances while zipping up his jacket so closely, then he must have been fine. I recalled a time when he had smiled similarly. And in our locked eyes, I could tell he was also reminiscing about that moment.
“Since you’re saying this to me first.”
As I looked into his sparkling eyes, I reflected on how rare this golden affection aimed at me was.
Transforming luck into happiness is not about probability but about people. For me, that person is only Jihoon, and it’s because when it comes to Jihoon, the scales always lean towards people rather than probability.
I bit my lip tightly, as if to ensure I wouldn’t lose what I had just realized, and then exhaled softly.
“Take care of yourself. I’ll be waiting.”
Before long, Jihoon nodded. We smiled at each other, clumsily, but without awkwardness. Sitting close together, looking into each other’s eyes.
“Yes, just take it as is.”
The two workers who nodded their heads lifted the bed frame and disappeared. At that moment, the room was left immaculate without any trace of human presence. The living room, bedroom, and even the kitchen were the same. The house stripped of all belongings felt desolate, just like the day I first entered.
Though I had already checked the places while organizing my things, I decided to have one last look out of curiosity. When I spotted six large magnets with logos of chicken shops stuck to the side of the refrigerator, I couldn’t help but chuckle. I thought about tossing them out but decided to leave them on the shelf for the next tenant.
In the shoe box at the bottom of the shoe cabinet, I found glow-in-the-dark stars that looked like starfish. Those were the ones I had removed on a sleepless night, thinking they reminded me too much of Jihoon with every glance at the ceiling. Though I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away then, I had completely forgotten about them.
I hesitated for a moment, then lifted a glow-in-the-dark star. Carefully, I tucked it into the only box I had left behind, knowing that all the other items were now gone.
“……”
Realizing there was nothing left to check, I held the box tightly. As I walked toward the front door, I suddenly stopped and turned back. I surveyed the home I had lived in for over two years as if I was seeing it for the first time, recalling all the many events that took place here. Whether Jihoon was there or not, I had always thought of him in this space.
Perhaps this house resembled my heart. Believing that nothing would seep out as long as the door was closed, but this was where everything was eventually exposed by whoever wanted to understand my heart.
I turned my body to grab the doorknob. And without regrets, I stepped out of the heart I had been enclosed in.
* * *
Jihoon arrived within the time frame I anticipated. I felt tense when I heard the door lock click, but it also meant I could stand up from the sofa before he entered the living room.
I heard the sound of his suitcase rolling on the tiled entryway before it abruptly stopped. Following the noise of his shoes hitting the shoe cabinet, a sigh that seemed to capture the fatigue of a long flight followed. I held my breath, not wanting to miss a single mundane sound.
When he finally came into the living room and spotted me, I intended to say something I had been waiting to express.
“Did you… come?”
Jihoon stood frozen at the entrance of the living room, not even making it all the way in. As soon as he spotted me, his blank expression made it hard for him to believe I was standing right in the middle of his living room. His shocked response rendered me speechless, as I realized that my actions had exceeded whatever expectations he might have had. Yet, even while awkwardly scratching the back of my neck, I had to proceed with my plan.
As I shifted to the side, Jihoon’s gaze followed. His eyes landed squarely on the box that had been hidden behind me. His gaze stayed firmly on what I was hoping to reveal.
The blue rose placed in the vase on the table, and the box overflowing with items due to a lack of space. Jihoon already knew about that box, which is why his gaze returned to me so quickly.
“What’s this…?”
He began to speak but suddenly fell silent. I swallowed hard, meeting his eyes which seemed to seek an explanation. For the first time in my life, I was trying to confess my feelings to Jihoon.
I lifted the baseball I had been holding in my hand. I had had it with me long before I heard the door lock. It was the first thing I wanted to show him when he entered.
This was a commemorative item representing the very first moment I clearly recognized and felt Jihoon. At first, I had no idea what to commemorate, but as time passed, the object that Jihoon wouldn’t even remember began to hold so many memories for me, that it felt embedded in soil. I couldn’t shake off the thought that I was foolish for keeping something so old when I couldn’t even throw it away.
I finally realized I didn’t need to shake off the memories attached to the baseball. I could show it to Jihoon as is, no matter the stains, because he wouldn’t throw it away. Instead, he would probably take a long look at it and ask me, “What is this?”
I was determined to speak before he could ask. I wanted Jihoon to know that my attachment to these objects had led to him thinking I had no feelings for him.
“You might not remember, but this ball is….”
“I remember.”
The unexpected answer forced my words to halt. Thanks to his response that I had never dreamed he would give, I found familiarity in Jihoon’s expression as he looked at the baseball. It was tinged with the same light that recalled memories just as mine did.
“I knew it was yours when I gave it to you.”
Suddenly, that realization hit me. What lay inside that box wasn’t just my memories; it was our memories. I wished I had understood that sooner. In thinking we held memories of different sizes, I hadn’t even bothered to compare them, leading us to this moment only now.
“Still, I don’t know your side of the story, so please tell me. I want to hear it.”
As I smiled and gestured towards the box, the realization surrounding me solidified into certainty. I stopped the habit of filtering my words before speaking. Among the plans I had kept waiting for Jihoon’s return, some had been executed, while others had not. Regardless, it felt alright.
Perhaps that was the case for our future as well. Just as there would be things that proceeded as expected, there would be events that flowed in unexpected ways. Regardless, that was okay. Because in all those moments, we would be together.
The first sentence that came to my mind was expressed simply.
“I was originally going to say we should start anew as soon as I saw you.”
“……”
“I want us to go back to the beginning and start fresh.”
I had never been this glad that my thoughts were becoming clear again. I envisioned myself and Jihoon standing opposite each other on a clean white canvas. The emotions I felt when I packed the precious items into the box, things I had cared enough to take with me from my home. I imagined how Jihoon’s expression would change when I poured out those emotions into words.
But there was no need to imagine. I could show him.
I took another step closer to Jihoon. Seeing him smile, I realized he had been waiting for me.