FBF chapter 21 part 4
by VolareI squeezed my eyes shut to suppress the urge to stop speaking right then and there. I was scared to face Jihoon’s gaze. Yet, I continued to talk.
“Listening to that reminds me of when I convinced my grandfather to have surgery to remove that lump.”
“…….”
“I told him it would be the end of it if he just got this done. I pressed him to do it even after he said he hated hospital life and didn’t want to be a burden….”
Jihoon already knew the conclusion shaped by my stubbornness. My grandfather had not woken up for five years after that surgery. He never returned to this house, the place he had spent his life lying down and sleeping. He always liked to sleep on his side, but he had to lie straight on his back, staring at the ceiling. He could not breathe on his own, could not eat. He just lay there until he died.
Tears streamed down my face. The area around my temples, which touched the pillow, was damp. I bit my lips until they bled to find some way to finish my words. I swallowed hard against the pain, moving my throat to convey a clear message rather than a cry.
“I… I can’t let you…”
Still, the tears kept coming. Before I knew it, I had become someone who couldn’t speak without crying in front of Jihoon.
“I couldn’t stand the thought of letting you do that.”
The sentence that expressed the fear I held was painfully simple as my voice began to waver.
“I’m sorry… I just couldn’t bear it. How could I ask you to endure that? I saw it all… I’ve experienced it myself….”
I took a deep breath, pausing in my incoherent apologies. Jihoon pulled me into his embrace. He seemed unfazed that his shirt might get stained because of me.
“Seon-uk.”
He held me tightly, carefully cradling my head. It felt as if he was trying to protect even my brain inside. The moment I sensed his gentle touch trying not to put too much pressure, the tears flowed even more. I realized he understood every word I had said.
“Do you remember when I said back then that I didn’t want you to hurt? That I thought you wouldn’t be able to handle it?”
Jihoon spoke up after a long pause, as if enough time had passed to assure himself that I wouldn’t disappear from his embrace.
Even with his voice rough, his hand gently stroked my back.
“Forget that.”
Even without looking at his face, I could tell Jihoon wasn’t closing his eyes like I was. He was speaking with a tone only someone who had resolved something could muster.
“If it’s you… if it’s related to you, I’ll do anything.”
I lifted my damp eyelids. Like Jihoon, I opened my eyes, raising my hand. Embracing the dampness of sweat, I confronted my reason to live.
“You’ve always been my exception, and this time is no different. It’s okay. I can manage. I’ll find a way.”
It’s okay. It’s okay. Whispering those words as if I were reassuring myself, Jihoon hugged me once more. I felt his breath on the back of my head. We stayed that way for a long time, holding each other as if we didn’t know how to change our positions. Only when the moonlight outside dimmed did Jihoon pull away and covered me with the blanket. His voice was thick.
“Let’s go to the hospital as soon as we wake up tomorrow. Together.”
I nodded, biting my trembling lips. Even as I felt the warm hand wiping away my tears threatening to spill.
* * *
“No! I don’t want to! You can’t just decide without thoroughly checking… No! Seon-uk can’t undergo surgery. Absolutely not.”
Kang Youngsoo’s swollen cheeks from crying too much were just peachy at my grandfather’s funeral. Upon hearing the news from Jihoon, he rushed to the hospital and turned pale the moment he saw me laying on the bed. Even when he didn’t understand what was happening, he asked for explanations again with watery eyes. His emotional state seemed detached from his will.
Recognizing that my lump was similar to my grandfather’s, Youngsoo immediately opposed the surgery. Even after hearing Jihoon’s explanation that the lump wasn’t malignant but was too large to be treated any other way, he still felt the same. Youngsoo knew that my grandfather had gone through something similar. He was terrified of the results it had brought about and the thought of facing it again.
“Is the diagnosis accurate in the first place? It might be a misdiagnosis. What if we go to another hospital and they say it’s not a lump? Even if it is, there might be hospitals that say it can be treated with medication. Let’s not jump straight into surgery; we should check more carefully. There’s a hospital affiliated with our company. Let’s go there first. I’ll make the reservation as soon as I can, so let’s consult with them first, and then…”
“There’s no time to waste.”
“…What?”
“It’s a situation that won’t change no matter how much you stomp around, so stop acting like a child and take it easy.”
As Jihoon continued speaking, Youngsoo’s expression hardened with fear. I quickly raised my hand and pulled Jihoon as he stood even closer to me.
“Jihoon.”
I knew I was speaking coldly to Youngsoo, who was trying to deny reality, but it was urgent. Only after Jihoon confirmed that no needles were in my outstretched arm did he push my hand down. Even in that moment, his sharp eyes were still fixed on Youngsoo. Youngsoo mirrored that intensity.
“Watch your mouth, you idiot! Now isn’t the time for tasteless remarks. This isn’t your problem!”
Youngsoo approached Jihoon with an aggressive stance, almost ready to grab his collar. It seemed he could not tolerate Jihoon’s calm demeanor in contrast to his own explosive anger.
“What if the surgery goes wrong? What if you don’t wake up like grandpa? Can you take responsibility? If everything is irreversible… what will you do? Huh? What are you going to do?”
Jihoon wouldn’t be ignorant of Youngsoo’s reasons for being this rough. He could see how desperate Youngsoo was, trying to overcome this hopeless situation.
However, even as I watched tears welling up in Youngsoo’s eyes, Jihoon remained unperturbed. Instead, he spoke directly to Youngsoo.
“I’ve been.”
“…What?”
“I’ve already gone to your company’s affiliated hospital with the CD of the MRI and CT results. I’ve been to all the major university hospitals in Seoul already.”
Youngsoo hesitated. I did too. It had only been a week since I had offloaded everything onto Jihoon and returned to Seoul together. After undergoing tests, waiting for results, and handling urgent work matters at the company, it had been a busy time for both of us. I didn’t even know if it was because Jihoon was taking care of such tasks on my behalf.
“Everyone said the same thing. I have to have surgery. This hospital is where they can perform the surgery on the earliest date, plus they have a lot of experience with these kinds of surgeries. The only reason I got this date was because a patient canceled their surgery at the last minute. You know how long it’ll be before I can get another date if I don’t do the surgery now? Three months.”
“…….”
“…….”
“What are you going to do if I don’t wake up? What if a bigger problem arises in the next three months while we just sit and wait? What if it gets bigger? I heard it’s already been growing a little since we delayed my hospitalization. Unlike my grandfather, this one is young, and we can’t guarantee it won’t grow further. If it gets bigger and I can’t have the surgery, what will you do? You’re just running around catching criminals, and something could happen while doing that, right? How will you take responsibility?”
Jihoon poured out everything without giving me a chance to intervene, and only when our eyes met did he stop speaking. He seemed to be gritting his teeth as if he was trying to hold something back, quickly rearranging his expression. He didn’t look at Youngsoo, who was sobbing but didn’t look away from Jihoon.
“Don’t scare the one who is about to undergo surgery. Go ahead and cry outside. If you’re going to cry, do it in private, don’t do it here. Understand?”
For the first time, Youngsoo listened to Jihoon’s words. The cries gradually subsided, and sobbing sounds disappeared altogether. I turned my head away from Jihoon, who was seemingly avoiding my gaze. On the other end, Youngsoo was struggling to hold back tears, burying his face in his palms.
“Youngsoo.”
When called, Youngsoo flinched. I helplessly watched him wipe his eyes with his fists. He seemed unable to meet my gaze, fixing his sight on an empty spot.
“I need to go back to the office for a bit. I just stepped out for lunch.”
Even as he tried to sound bright and casual, Youngsoo couldn’t look at me. It was as if he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold back his tears if he met my gaze.
“I’ll check if I can take a half-day off and whether I can take the next few days off too, so if there’s anything you want to eat, message me. Okay? Anything you want… just let me know. I’ll be back soon.”
He turned away without waiting for my reply, and with a rough sound, the door closed behind him.
“…….”
“…….”
I turned my head to speak to another one who was avoiding my gaze.
“There was no need to say that.”
“…….”
“Apologize later. You’re feeling bad about this too.”
Jihoon remained silent. Instead of arguing, he was accepting this silence as a confirmation. It seemed that’s what a long shared time between us created. We knew too well how to endure each other’s habits of sorrow, and sometimes we couldn’t bear that very fact.
Finally pulling his gaze away from the admission form he had been stubbornly looking at, Jihoon spoke in a subdued tone.
“I can’t stand it. Every time he cries, it’s like I’m confirming that it’s something worth crying over.”
The door creaked open. The nurse peeked in, and as soon as she mentioned the word “guardian,” Jihoon stood up from his seat. He answered that he would go right away and approached me, adjusting my legs on the bed that had been lowered. He pulled the blanket over me, glancing at the IV fluid that was quickly running out.
“I think this IV is going in faster than usual. I should ask about it.”
Unlike the nonchalant way he said it, I couldn’t feel the same. I knew that the one who acted as if he were my caregiver didn’t learn that spontaneously, and the memories that might be forever forgotten were sparked again because of me.
“I’ll be back soon. Just rest.”
Once the door of the single room closed and I was left alone, I reflected on whether my decision to not endure in solitude was selfish. Watching the warm afternoon light shining into the spotless window frame, which Jihoon had cleaned as if it were his own home.
It’s okay. It will be alright. I recall Jihoon’s desperate voice as he whispered the incantation, holding me close.
Yes, it has to be okay. It must be okay. I clenched my fists in determination, vowing that I had to overcome this. For Jihoon’s sake as well.
I woke up feeling a sandy texture slipping through my fingers. It was easy to tell that it came from Kang Youngsoo, who had been lying on the other bed and holding my hand until his grip loosened. I bent down under the bed. Even as I covered him with the blanket that had fallen down to his knees, he didn’t wake up. He had been insisting that I sleep by 8 AM to ensure I was in perfect condition for the surgery, and now, perhaps, because he had succeeded in that, he looked relaxed for the first time since entering this hospital room.
I scanned the room for Jihoon, who had helped me during Youngsoo’s protests. After looking at the opposite bed and even the sofa, I could not find Jihoon anywhere. I hesitated for a moment but eventually grabbed the IV pole and stood up.
I didn’t walk far before I spotted Jihoon standing at the end of the hallway, where the single rooms were aligned, in front of a large window. A clock on the wall showed it was 4 AM. As I walked toward his back, I realized he had not slept a wink. I silently pulled the IV pole behind me. The sound of the wheels of the IV cart echoed in the quiet hallway. Although I knew he must have heard me, Jihoon never turned around, seeming as if he hadn’t heard anything.
I suddenly remembered the last time I had seen his back like this. It was at the crowded departure check-in at New York airport, through the automatic glass doors that closed every three seconds. Back then, and now, Jihoon had his hand on one hip, with his head hung low, lacking the courage to lift his gaze or move forward.
I stopped before getting too close to him. I felt like he wouldn’t appreciate my proximity.
Instead, I called out to him.
“…Jihoon.”
Jihoon neither replied nor lifted his head. Through his shoulder, I could see the full moon overhead. The yellow moonlight fell upon the back of his head. Jihoon finally spoke after a while.
“I can’t do this a second time.”
His voice was terribly wet and trembling. I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see it. My voice shook as I spoke.
“…I know.”
I knew all too well. Sometimes, that’s why I wanted to push you out of this hospital room, to relieve you of having to experience all of this. But I also understood that nothing would change if I did so. From the moment you learned of my illness, you had been trapped in your own hell. I also knew that the only way I could take responsibility for you here was by not being sick.
“I’m sorry.”
From the moment I stepped into the hallway, I knew he would notice my absence in the hospital room. The moment Jihoon realized I wasn’t in the room where I told Youngsoo to cry if he needed to, I envisioned him doing this somewhere I couldn’t see.
Dragging my feet toward Jihoon, who had lowered his head, I felt my heart race as I approached his shoulder. He was someone who wouldn’t even let his tears show, proving that this was indeed a reason to cry. Yet I wouldn’t stop even though I understood he wouldn’t want to show this side of himself to me. I stood close enough to nudge shoulders with him before positioning myself directly in front of him, to hold him tightly while he cried.
The thick tears rolling at Jihoon’s feet would never be forgotten. Like the sadness he had dropped on the floor during our middle school days that I couldn’t clean up, this sadness wasn’t easy to pass by either.
Jihoon, whose head was bowed low, began to fumble with my arm, gripping it tightly. The patient gown he was wearing wrinkled with the pressure he exerted.
“If you’re sorry, just live.”
“…….”
“Don’t die… don’t leave me….”
I caught a glimpse of the sixteen-year-old Jihoon in the twenty-nine-year-old Jihoon who used anger even in his pleas. I imagined a young boy who had struggled to even speak the word death while sleeping in a hospital room next to his sick mother, realizing that it was my fault for bringing back the boy who had vowed never to love someone who was sick again. My heart felt shattered by the overwhelming sense of responsibility.
“Stay by my side. Please.”
I reached out and embraced Jihoon’s shoulder tightly. Then I drew in close until our wet cheeks brushed, whispering incantations like promises.
It’s okay. It will be alright. You, I, and we.
The surgery was scheduled to start at 11 AM. From 9 AM, Youngsoo couldn’t sit still. Even Jihoon, who would have restrained him if he were next to him, was called away to speak with the guardians, leaving Youngsoo to rearrange drinks in the fridge for twenty minutes. Knowing that he was moving around chaotically to avoid crying, I let it slide until I glanced at the clock indicating 10 AM.
Youngsoo pretended not to hear as I called him, and it wasn’t until I called him three times that he approached me hesitantly, like a child afraid of being scolded. I tapped the blanket on the bed, not breaking eye contact with him.
“I need to talk to you. Sit.”
His wide eyes rolled around, searching for my intention, but the moment our eyes met, he immediately looked down. That was his habitual move whenever he felt tears coming. While I had overlooked it for the last two days, I realized I couldn’t do the same this time. I gripped Youngsoo’s shoulders and leaned in to match his eyes with mine.
“Do you know how long the surgery is expected to take?”
Youngsoo, whose shoulders I held, froze briefly, still desperately avoiding my gaze. His lips pressed together as he looked at me, his eyes filling with tears rapidly. I had expected this. Sighing, I awkwardly rubbed his shoulders to comfort him.
“Am I going to die? I’m having surgery to get better, so why the gloom?”
Youngsoo pouted as if trying to suppress his tears, but it didn’t help, and soon his sobs broke free. It felt like he was waiting for this moment as he began to cry out loud. I quickly grabbed the tissues I had prepared and wiped his face.
“Don’t say things like dying… don’t be in denial….”
“I get it. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry….”
“I understand. I won’t. I promise.”
Finally, when the tissues were all used, Youngsoo stopped crying. I glanced at the door briefly. There wasn’t much time left. I wanted to tell Youngsoo a few things before Jihoon came back.
With my thumb, I gently wiped the tears that had yet to dry from Youngsoo’s chin and began to explain calmly.
“The expected surgery time is eight hours, but it could go longer than expected. There might be unexpected bleeding, or the removal might not be straightforward. It was like that with my grandfather; the surgery took longer than anticipated.”
“…Why do you keep talking like that, scaring me?”
“I’m saying it so you two won’t wait for hours outside, starving.”
Feeling poked by my words, Youngsoo looked at me, stifling a hiccup. Given that he had argued against eating earlier that morning, it was understandable. I couldn’t eat due to the surgery, but watching two perfectly healthy men stubbornly refuse food was something I didn’t want to witness again. The thought of those two restless souls waiting outside the operating room until nightfall made me uneasy.
“Even after the surgery, I’ll be moved to ICU, and you won’t see me until I regain consciousness. It means it will take some time before you can see me.”
“…….”
“Eat, sleep… and while you’re doing that, I’ll be back to you. So don’t worry and go about your usual routine. Got it?”
Youngsoo looked like he would cry again with every little thing I said, but he listened without interruption. It was as if he had realized this was the best sincerity I could offer both of them. In the moment I recognized that I was glancing at the door as if I were deliberately asking to say something only to Youngsoo, I instinctively knew it was time for me to make a request I could give him only.
I silently locked eyes with Youngsoo for a moment before finally mentioning Jihoon’s name.
“If Jihoon decides to hold out, make sure you drag him to eat and sleep, even if it means hitting him.”
“…What a rude way to phrase it.”
“Yeah, I see he’s not charming to you, I know….”
“…Sigh.”
“That idiot has been sleeping poorly for days. It was the same yesterday.”
Youngsoo seemed startled since he hadn’t known that, and he locked his gaze with mine.
“Are you trusting me to take care of this while you go for surgery?”
Youngsoo nodded mournfully. I spread out my arms toward him, waiting silently, and Youngsoo, as if waiting for this moment, leaned in.
“Let’s not worry about things, and after the surgery ends, let’s think about what to do next. Just think good thoughts. Anyway, it’s bound to go well; you’re going through all this pain at once instead of over a lifetime… Seon-uk, I went to church for the first time yesterday? Next week, I’ll go to the cathedral too, you know? My mom goes to prayer regularly. The surgery is bound to go well, but I will pray even harder for it to go well. You don’t have to worry about anything, even if I’m a nylon believer. Having many gods to hear out my wishes must be better, right? They will understand how desperate I am… How much I… I…”