FBF chapter 21 part 3
by VolareI hadn’t expected to hear about my mother from my father, so I paused for a moment to process that fact. I recalled my mother’s expression when she had spoken about my father just hours before in this same place.
Did my mother feel she had to do this because she knew my father too well, recognizing his lack of responsibility?
People had told me about responsibility in various ways. One person, who came to mind first and left my side the quickest, used to say the same thing repeatedly. Unable to hold it back any longer, I opened my mouth.
“It was my grandfather’s request. He told me not to contact you.”
“…….”
“From the first time he fell ill… until he lost consciousness.”
“…….”
“He said it would be better to not know anything at all if you’re going to be kept in the dark… It’s not something to do to someone who left because they didn’t want to bear the burden.”
My father didn’t respond, his gaze fixed on the void. I continued, ignoring the quivering of the corners of his eyes as if he were on the verge of being emotional.
“Still, if you were going to find out, you would have known well enough. I had no intention of hiding it if you had asked me.”
There wasn’t much conversation left between us. It had always been that way from the start, and it seemed it would remain so until the end. Some relationships can’t let go of hope, even in the moments of destruction, while others feel the truth that this is the best it can be at the very moment of closure. My relationship with my father always fell into the latter category. Perhaps from the moment I packed my bags and followed my grandfather despite my father’s pleas, I had known this fact.
I remembered the moment I first stepped into the room my father had occupied, cleaned out by my grandfather when we first arrived in Taean. Every time I looked at my father’s graduation photo hanging on the wall afterward, I wondered internally.
How could my father do this? Even after abandoning everything, your father could not part with this one photo.
Fourteen years later, standing once again in Taean, I contemplated anew. That we were all different. Even with the same blood running through us, the same surname, even though we all fled in similar ways.
My father could abandon my grandfather, but I realized I could not let go of him. My grandfather chose the way of bearing the pain by not revealing it, while I resolved to voice everything in order to take responsibility.
Like my father, I turned my gaze to the void and spoke with a calmness as if I were discussing someone else’s story.
“A while ago, I went to the hospital, and they said there’s a lump in my head. It’s similar to the lump my grandfather needed surgery for before he lost consciousness.”
For the first time, my father’s stubborn gaze returned to me. He wore an expression that suggested he couldn’t accept any of my words. His mouth hung open as if he thought that if he waited a little longer, I would say I was lying. Like a lost traveler suddenly dropped into a vast world they didn’t even know existed, unsure of what to do.
“It may not be genetic….”
“…….”
“But seeing as it resembles size and shape, I thought it wouldn’t be wise to disregard the possibility. Just in case, I think it would be best for you to also get checked.”
I never thought I would be the first to tell him this. But watching my father’s trembling lips, I believed it had to be said. Perhaps my grandfather, who had never once let go of my father’s possessions, wished the same.
It took an astonishingly long time for my father to regain his composure. His eyes reddened as if about to burst. His voice trembled.
“What… what should I do?”
It was the first time I had heard those words from him. As I mulled over the weight of the words that had come too late because he had wandered everywhere and had barely arrived at the necessary place, I stood up and left him.
“The factory where Grandpa worked as a security guard belonged to Choi Jeong-ho.”
“…….”
“After Grandpa lost consciousness, I went to the factory to pick up some belongings, and I saw the numbers he had written in his notebook in the security room. There were records indicating that even on the days when the factory was closed, the entrance was opened repeatedly, and he must have noted down the dates because he thought it was strange. He even kept separate CCTV recordings.”
“…….”
“Thanks to that, it became evidence. The dates recorded by Grandpa matched with the dates mentioned in the testimony of Choi Jeong-ho’s subordinate, who was captured in Busan.”
My father now looked down, unable to even gaze toward the void. Instead, I focused on his trembling hands resting on his lap as I concluded my words.
“You know what is right, don’t you?”
“…….”
“Please don’t make me ashamed.”
I turned my body, not bothering to watch his reaction to my words. I watched as one frayed string completely severed and floated on the surface of the water before sinking into the abyss.
I had merely relieved the weight of my soul, yet my grandfather had become very small. Even within the jade-colored container, there was enough space to spare. My grandfather became bones and then quickly transformed into fragments, turning into dust that could be wrapped in paper. I had no idea at what moment I should say goodbye, so I simply stood still, absorbing the scene before me.
The urn containing my grandfather’s ashes barely fit into a square space that would reach a grown man’s knees. People filling the hallway stood silently, gazing at the transparent display case containing the urn. As if trying to exchange one last glance with my grandfather. I noticed people placing flowers or pictures inside the display case, but I had brought nothing with me.
“Seon-uk-a, should I put this in?”
I felt a gentle hand wrap around my shoulder and turned my head. Kang Youngsoo, with puffy eyes from crying, offered me a crumpled bill. Despite his efforts to explain, he couldn’t articulate a single word and had given up, yet I knew immediately what it was upon seeing it.
It was the pocket money my grandfather had given Kang Youngsoo before he went into the army. He had once casually mentioned that for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to spend that money. It had somehow ended up as a talisman, always resting in one corner of his wallet.
As a bill that had never been used since the moment it was given, perhaps my grandfather’s touch still lingered on it. Even while looking at that worn bill, I thought maybe my grandfather wished it to remain untouched. I felt as if someone was forcefully opening my mouth and squeezing my heart. As if I couldn’t even allow that single grain of sorrow left within me. I managed to nod slightly and watched as Lee Jihoon took the handle of the display case instead of Kang Youngsoo, who was sobbing uncontrollably. The display case door closed, and the people who had been keeping their vigil began to drift away one by one.
As I stood unable to leave the display case, people kept urging me to join them. Concerned for me, they extended their offers, but I kept declining, saying I would stay just a little longer. It wasn’t until Kang Youngsoo’s mother, who had promised to visit me again tomorrow, also left that I was finally left alone in the hallway.
Hesitating slightly, I placed my hand on the display case. Seeing my grandfather’s engraved name, I accepted that this was the only place I could see him now. People seemed to think Grandpa was truly inside, greeting them, but I struggled with the sentiment and kept my hand resting on the glass for a long time. Only after the cold glass absorbed the warmth of my hand did I finally speak.
“…Be happy.”
It was the best farewell I could offer him, not being able to ask him if he was happy anymore.
I stood there for a while longer. Until the sunlight streaming through the window below me began to shine upon me. Until, little by little, it started to fade away.
“Seon-uk-a.”
I felt a hand grip my shoulder and turned my head. I was surprised to see Lee Jihoon standing there, thinking he had already left. He had something in his hand. I realized he had left to get that. He was placing a small piece of paper, which he had taken from the display case earlier, inside.
The piece of paper Lee Jihoon brought was old. There was a picture of me attached to it. Specifically, a photo from when I was so young that I couldn’t even remember it. I hadn’t even known my grandfather had it. In a low voice, Lee Jihoon explained about the photo.
“Grandpa would need this.”
His gaze was fixed on the photo of me inside the display case. Not long after, he placed a hand on my shoulder.
“Let’s go. Dad is waiting for you.”
The reason Lee Jihoon’s father was waiting for me was to handle my grandfather’s estate. He proceeded to hand me the house documents and bank books that my grandfather had supposedly left in advance.
“The village chief said that you, Seon-uk, would handle it well. But selling the house and the land will probably be tough to do alone, so he’s asking you to let him help with that.”
It was a strange situation. Even though the past three days of the funeral were a process to make me realize the death of my grandfather, moments continued to arise that made me feel his absence. Each time I realized my grandfather was no longer in this world, I felt the emotional height of my heart, which I believed couldn’t go any lower, dip a little more.
The documents bearing my grandfather’s name became meaningless with just a single death notice. It was astonishing how easily the traces of a human life that spanned decades could be sorted away like this. How easily life could end.
I tried my best to pretend I was fine, but it was difficult. I kept my gaze down at the documents, my lips moving without meaning.
“Don’t say you have to do it right away, Seon-uk. Still, it seems like you need to be aware….”
Though the uncle appeared to be sympathetic, he continued to explain as someone entrusted with such important affairs by my grandfather. He shared how someone had recently shown interest in my grandfather’s house, and if I merely expressed my willingness, he would roll up his sleeves right away to handle everything effortlessly.
“Ay, Uncle.”
Lee Jihoon stopped the uncle. Only then did I realize my body was trembling, noticing the firm hand on my shoulder as if to keep my balance. Lee Jihoon was neatly putting the documents and bank books the uncle had laid out into a paper bag. Every time the uncle tried to stop him by reaching out, Lee Jihoon brushed his hand away or dodged him.
“Let’s do that later. Not now, later.”
“There’s a time for everything, you know, boy. Seon-uk has to go back to Seoul soon, when will you—”
“No worries, it’s still Korea. It takes just three hours.”
“If Seon-uk gets busy and can’t be reached—”
“Then I’ll listen for him and let him know. Is that okay?”
Leaving the uncle speechless, Lee Jihoon firmly took my arm and lifted me. Before I could gather my thoughts, I found myself in the yard of Lee Jihoon’s house. Lee Jihoon, who had been staring at me, handed me the paper bag. I accepted it without a word. Though we hadn’t verbally promised anything, it felt as if we walked side by side toward a house without my grandfather.
The house remained surprisingly unchanged. Even though I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been there. It was only after seeing the folded mop at the end of the floor that I realized Lee Jihoon’s father had been maintaining this place all along.
I spotted a cane leaning at an angle against the end of the floor. It was an object that had not had the chance to stand, as its owner could not either. I stood there, rooted to the spot, gazing at that cane for a long time. It wasn’t until Lee Jihoon inspected the house, turned on the heater, and came back to look down at me that I stirred.
Once he realized what I was staring at, Lee Jihoon reached out his hand.
“Come up.”
I once again struggled to speak, my lips trembling in an effort to find words. The moment my eyes met Lee Jihoon’s, who waited without pressuring me, I managed to speak in a voice so faint it felt like it would evaporate.
“…I can’t.”
I wasn’t like my grandfather, who had mobility issues, nor did I need someone’s help to take off my shoes and step up. Yet, just as I had done countless times while living in this house, I couldn’t step into the living room without any hesitation. The moment I lifted a foot, it felt like all the sorrow I had managed to push aside to conduct the funeral would come pouring out. To me, this house was my grandfather himself. Even the moment he lay there without opening his eyes, that had not changed. Because of that, I was afraid that all the time I had spent with my grandfather would crash into me all at once and pull me down.
Lee Jihoon didn’t let go of my hand after hearing my words.
“I’ll hold you. Just hold on, and come up. That’s all you need to do.”
I raised my gaze to meet Lee Jihoon’s eyes as he stood on the floor, looking down at me. In this hazy vision, the only thing unwavering was him. Realizing that he would never back down, I shakily lifted my trembling hand and placed it on his palm. The moment my shoes fell away, Lee Jihoon wrapped his thumb around my hand, giving it a light squeeze.
Having successfully gotten me onto the floor, Lee Jihoon left me behind and entered my grandfather’s room. I watched as he opened the wardrobe, pulled out a blanket, and laid it on the floor. When he took out the pillow my grandfather used often, I gazed at him blankly. As if he had prepared everything, he averted his eyes from me, standing back again.
“Come in.”
“…I don’t want to.”
“You don’t want to, or you’re scared.”
“…….”
“I’ll stay with you.”
Lee Jihoon didn’t leave my grandfather’s room. As if he believed I could move on my own without having to yank my arm, he spoke to me while standing in place.
“Before long, he won’t smell like Grandpa anymore. You should take a good whiff while you still can.”
Feeling enchanted, I took a step forward. I hesitated briefly at the threshold, but still crossed the threshold into the room. My grandfather’s room looked just as I remembered it. Even the small belongings were placed exactly where their owner had left them. As I scanned the room, I lowered my gaze. Lee Jihoon was lying on the bedding, staring at the ceiling. Instead of Grandpa’s pillow, he had placed his arm behind his head. Still wearing a white shirt and suit pants, he had tossed his jacket aside. Lying there, looking just like someone who had just returned from outside, he was doing something he would never do on a normal day. Like an expert in sorrow, as if to show that things could get better by doing this.
I bent my knees so as not to render his efforts futile. I pushed the paper bag I held aside and lay down beside Lee Jihoon. Grandpa’s pillow felt hard. I wondered how he had managed to sleep on this every day. Thanks to the heater that Lee Jihoon had turned on, the floor gradually warmed up. The room remained dark as the lights were turned off.
It was nighttime. Lee Jihoon was still with me at this hour. He had waited for me until sunset, fed me before taking me to the uncle, and now he lay down beside me.
I slowly contemplated that undeniable fact. It was something only possible because he didn’t rush me.
“Thank you.”
As the words of gratitude I returned felt too small to repay what he had done for me, tears began to roll down my cheeks. I left them unwiped. I sensed a shift as he turned his head toward me. Lee Jihoon didn’t reach out to wipe my tears. He turned his gaze toward the ceiling, pretending not to notice, and began speaking quietly.
“When we were twenty.”
In the hushed house that had lost its owner, Lee Jihoon’s voice resonated clearly.
“When we fought in Gangneung, and you acted as if you wouldn’t see me again.”
“…….”
“I didn’t know what to do. It felt like anything I did would make it worse, but if I just sat there, I would end up drifting away from you forever.”
“…….”
“No matter how hard I tried, it didn’t seem to work out, so in the end, I thought I’d have to run away, and I ended up coming here.”
Lee Jihoon was sharing a story he had never told me before.
“In the dead of night, I barged in and asked Grandpa for a blanket, and then I keep pestering him to grill meat the next day while he was lying down to sleep. Grandpa must have found it annoying because later on, he didn’t even respond. But then….”
After a brief pause, Lee Jihoon chuckled, as if unable to contain his amusement.
“The next morning, I woke up to find meat waiting for me. Grandpa had gone to the market early to buy some.”
“…….”
“Grandpa was so anxious. He hadn’t even washed his face yet, but he kept urging me to eat the meat he had bought, asking why I wasn’t eating from ten in the morning.”
“…….”
“Then Grandpa asks me if I had a fight. Not who I fought with, but just whether I fought.”
Memories of my grandfather’s stories flooded back as people at the funeral started to share anecdotes about him. Sometimes they felt like stories about someone unknown to me. Fortunately, the grandfather depicted in Lee Jihoon’s story seemed like someone I knew.
“You wouldn’t have told him about our fight, so… Well, my face didn’t look good at all, so I thought he was just saying that.”
But…
“The day after we drank together, that early morning, Grandpa appeared in my dream and told me to get along and not fight with you.”
After briefly pausing, Lee Jihoon muttered as if he had gained a sudden realization.
“That’s when I understood. Grandpa asking if I fought wasn’t just out of casual interest, but he was genuinely concerned about us. He might not have mentioned it, but maybe he already knew. Perhaps he was worried that we might fight again in the future.”
“…….”
“Right after waking up, I went to see Grandpa and told him that I would take care of you. Because… I thought it would put his mind at ease. After all, he was somewhat old-fashioned.”
I could only imagine the moment he must have stood in front of my grandfather, delivering those words during each of his visits. Arranging the flowers he often brought, sitting beside my grandfather’s bed as he spoke those words, he must not have known that I would push him away that night. That I would say I was incapable and couldn’t take responsibility for anything.
“So that night….”
After a while, Lee Jihoon began to speak again, his voice low. I felt the carefulness as he selected suitable words, prompting me to think about what he had gone through that day. Though we spoke, we were not looking at each other but at the ceiling, recalling the same moment. There was something we needed to resolve. Specifically, I had something to say to him. About the words I had spoken that day, and the reasons I believed that was the best choice.
I swallowed hard. I knew this was my last chance. Before he could finish his sentence, I interrupted him.
“That morning….”
“…….”
“I got a call from the hospital. They said my health examination results were in, and I needed to come in for a consultation.”