FBF chapter 20 part 4

“…….”

The MP3 that Lee Jihoon requested is that one, not the one I am holding.

I had this MP3 for a long time without giving it away or even thinking of using it. I had even forgotten whether I bought it, but every year on Lee Jihoon’s birthday, I remembered this gift.

It had been less than thirty minutes since I had sobbed like a child in front of my grandfather and emptied a bottle of Cheongju. Whenever I exhaled deeply intermittently, I could smell the alcohol coming from me. As time passed, I felt even more intoxicated and stared blankly at the MP3 screen. I thought I was moving the wheel without any purpose, but somehow I had accessed the screen where I could use the ‘record’ function.

It was as if I didn’t even realize how difficult things had become, much like the times I started thinking of Lee Jihoon. According to the counselor’s advice, Lee Jihoon must be the only person I can confide in.

But ironically, I couldn’t do that. Lee Jihoon, who comes to mind every time I struggle, is also the person who makes me hold back the most. What do I do when the person I think of during tough times is someone I can’t reveal my deepest feelings to? Even the counselor wouldn’t have an answer for that.

“…Hmph.”

Clearing my throat only after the recording had begun proved that this was an act close to committing something wrong. As I watched the red circle blinking, tears almost began to spill. I used to think I lived a life far from impulse, but after meeting Lee Jihoon, there have been instances where I’d ignore the red light and just jump in. I know better than anyone that if I run, I won’t reach my destination, even while ignoring the warning signals appearing all around me.

“Lee Jihoon.”

Could someone who carries the weight of a single name for 1 minute and 45 seconds appear in my life again? Knowing the answer, I squeezed the MP3 tightly instead of crying. Through the window I had left open to let out some of the alcohol smell, I could see the dim moonlight. With my eyes fixed on the hazy moon, I began my unreceived confession.

* * *

“Why did you come wearing such thin clothes? It’s freezing here.”

That was Lee Jihoon’s first comment upon seeing me after two years. The moment he spotted me at the airport, he ran towards me with a bright smile. As he approached, his demeanor became increasingly serious, and by the time he stood in front of me, he grabbed my shoulders and spun me around, clicking his tongue. I missed the timing to ask him why he looked so serious.

“Don’t you have a scarf in your suitcase? Gloves? Let’s just take those out. We have plenty of time anyway. If you don’t, I will.”

Just stopping him from tearing apart my suitcase in the middle of the airport was exhausting. The airport, approaching the end of the year, was chaotic to the point that “busy” didn’t even begin to describe it. It was impressive how he stood there with his arms crossed, scolding me, unbothered by the curious stares of passersby.

It was only after he heard that I had no scarf in my suitcase that he stopped acting like a parent towards a disobedient child. Even the moment he took my suitcase and started pulling it, he was still grumbling.

“Seon-uk. Looking so stylish could get you frozen to death.”

The reason Lee Jihoon threw out such a comment, which was indistinguishable between advice and a curse, became clear as soon as we stepped outside the airport. It was freezing enough to make my nose tingle, and the harsh flurries of snow whirled, dirtying my clothes and face. I had seen the accumulated snow through the window while the plane was landing, but that was a more or less organized sight due to human intervention. Now, everywhere was just a whiteout. Lee Jihoon, who informed me that a heavy snow warning had been issued the day before, said he had arrived a few hours earlier just in case the airport would get closed. As soon as I managed to utter, “Then what about food?” he turned around and snickered.

“I haven’t heard that question in ages.”

“…Are you asking if I’ve eaten?”

“Yeah. The people here don’t bother asking those things. If I ask first, they think I’m interested in you.”

He abruptly stopped his words and raised his hands into the air. Just as he waved his arms excitedly, a taxi that had been rushing toward us suddenly stopped and picked up two passengers who had been in front of us. The terminal outside was a mix of people who just got off the taxi, people trying to catch one, and various nationalities intertwining, sharing hugs that could either be welcome greetings or farewell gestures. After several failed attempts to catch a taxi in the long line, we turned around, giving up.

The whole way to the subway, Lee Jihoon wore an expression of reluctance, and he only let out a sigh of relief after hastily seating me in an empty spot. Standing tightly next to the pole, his face looked awkward as he continued explaining to me.

“It’s a bit dirty, you know. That’s how the subway is. Always crowded and noisy.”

“…….”

“When we come to the airport next time, let’s take a taxi. Sorry.”

But I wanted to ask if he doesn’t take this crowded, noisy, and dirty subway every day. Instead, I observed him like someone trying to compensate for the past two years apart. Lee Jihoon had lost a lot of weight, and it seemed he had grown just as much. Like a person who had endured several nights of growing pains, feeling bigger the next day after such nights. The scarf he had forcibly wrapped around me exposed the back of his neck. He seemed to have grown even in hisbone structure. Every time he bent his head down towards me or peeked around, the muscles from his neck to his collarbone stood out.

It seemed my gaze lingered too long that Lee Jihoon caught on. When he asked, “What’s up?” with a puzzled expression, I finally brought up the question that had been on my tongue since our encounter at the airport.

“Did you lose weight?”

Lee Jihoon acted like he had never heard that before in this place. He shrugged his shoulders as he absentmindedly traced along the spots where my gaze had touched.

“Did I? I don’t really know.”

If he didn’t even recognize he lost weight, there was no way he would know if he had grown taller. Without saying more, I snatched the suitcase that Lee Jihoon had firmly held.

“I’ll carry it.”

Even before Lee Jihoon could make a fuss, I already had to unpack my suitcase at the airport. I had been focused on cramming as many things as possible in that I didn’t consider the allowable weight. I had intended to pay extra for it, but there were too many passengers who checked in before me that did the same, so it was impossible. There was no other choice than to reduce the weight. My decision to throw away winter clothes, instead of food items, into the airport trash can was made since I could always buy those again later.

I thought to myself that I was glad I did that as I looked at Lee Jihoon in front of me. Otherwise, I would have kept thinking about it even after returning to Korea.

The apartment where Lee Jihoon was living was noisy from the entrance. It was quickly evident that it was a place where many international students lived and was conditioned in a way that only young people could possibly live there. First of all, the entire building had no elevator, and the hallway leading to the stairs was long. As we passed through that hallway, I had already met three neighbors who greeted Lee Jihoon. They differed in gender, race, and age, but one commonality was that they pronounced the name Jihoon perfectly and distinctly. Lee Jihoon, who hugged a girl with orange hair who particularly emphasized the ‘Hoon’, upon sensing my gaze, pretended not to notice.

“I think I might quit teaching math to the kid and try becoming a Korean teacher.”

It seemed like he was acknowledging his contribution to correcting their pronunciation. Whether in Korea or here, Lee Jihoon was still Lee Jihoon. As I sneered at him, he picked up my suitcase and climbed the stairs first.

Lee Jihoon’s home was right at the end of the stairs on the fifth floor. He opened the door and waited for me to come in. The moment I stood at the door, I noticed the bed was visible right away, making it feel more like a room than a home. The two beds were placed side by side with some distance in between, and right behind the beds was a corner desk pressed close to the window. The closet squeezed into a narrow gap, resembling the shabby shoe rack at the door.

“It’s so tiny that you’re surprised.”

Lee Jihoon asked that with a smile while standing in the narrow space between the foot of the bed and the kitchen. The bathroom was visible behind him. As he stood there with his hands stuffed in his pockets, intending to say more, a loud bang came from the wall.

The noise wasn’t something you would expect to hear in a room, so I was startled for a moment, but unlike me, Lee Jihoon didn’t even flinch. It was only when I realized that it was the sound of an instrument that I understood. Lee Jihoon’s indifference could be attributed to how accustomed he seemed to noises made by neighbors like that. He had once been someone who wore earplugs even in a study room where only the sound of a pencil rolling and chairs scraping could be heard, yet now he didn’t seem to care at all. It was as if he believed that one had to endure that much to live. Lee Jihoon was still concerned not about the noise but about the fact that I had heard it. He had a sheepish smile on his face, asking with a nod of his head.

“Isn’t it noisy?”

As soon as I recalled that expression, which I had seen earlier on the subway, an automatic reply came out.

“No, not really.”

Lee Jihoon, who looked at me with a surprised expression after my quick response, suddenly burst into laughter. The familiar mischievous glint returned to his face.

“Wow, Seon-uk is still the same. The guy who invented ‘no’ and ‘not really.'”

“…It’s not true.”

“See, you said ‘no’ again.”

I couldn’t argue back to Lee Jihoon who laughed openly, as I remembered that it had been years since I last saw him. Just seeing him make fun of me as if he was sure I would remember my verbal habits made my heart crumple a little. Lee Jihoon tilted his head as if he found it weird that I was just staring silently. Only then did I break my gaze and gesture toward the suitcase.

“Can you open that?”

“Why? Are you going to get gloves? Hey, that was a good idea. Now that you’ve experienced it, it makes sense to think this way?”

“No, not that.”

“…Wow, did you seriously not bring any gloves?”

Lee Jihoon seemed set to start a second round of nagging instead of helping me. Eventually, I opened the suitcase myself. Fortunately, there was a space between the beds for me to unpack. I sat in front of the suitcase laying on the floor and entered the password, and Lee Jihoon squatted down next to me.

“Are you going to unpack right away? Let’s just put it off for now and go eat first. You must be hungry.”

Instead of answering, I kept my hands busy. Fortunately, none of the items I brought were broken or burst. I pulled out all the packed meals and instant rice that were tightly packed in one side of the suitcase. As I stacked them one by one, they looked like a tower.

It wasn’t until I had removed everything that had filled one side of the suitcase that I turned to the side. Lee Jihoon looked dumbfounded. He seemed to have never imagined that such things would be inside my suitcase instead of a hat or gloves. Thinking I might need to explain, I opened my mouth.

“These were packed by your father to give to you.”

“…….”

“Oh, the three-minute noodles were given by Kang Youngsoo. He specifically told me to mention it.”

After standing there silently for a while and staring at the items below, Lee Jihoon plopped down into a squatting position. The first thing he reached for was the bag of medicine that his uncle had specifically packed the day before we left. After taking out a pill, he checked the writing on the back and gave a faint smile. A hazy nostalgia seemed to arise and then disappear. I noticed that his voice had dropped compared to earlier as he playfully scoffed.

“Anyway, the Lee family men are too sentimental.”

“…You’re a Lee too, you know.”

“Yeah, Ji. I’m just indirectly saying that I feel like I’m about to cry right now.”

Even though he was pretending to wipe the dry area under his eyes, Lee Jihoon suddenly let out a groan as he stood up. He had collected several packets of rice in his arms. While walking confidently toward the kitchen and opening the cupboard first, he abruptly turned around with an unexpected timing. The expression on his face while holding the rice was ambiguous.

“Are you perhaps… going to bring this?”

His words trailed off midway. Even in the moment where he contemplated whether to continue his thought, Lee Jihoon’s gaze was still fixated on my suitcase lying on the floor. But when he lifted his eyes once more, there was no hesitation on his face. He smiled widely, raising both corners of his lips.

“Nope.”

“…….”

“Hey, thanks. With this, I’ll be assured for a few months.”

It seemed Lee Jihoon was indeed tall. It was because he didn’t appear to struggle at all as he stacked the rice and seaweed in the high cupboard, which was well over the head of an adult man. I could see a few bowls and cups behind him. In no time, Lee Jihoon had finished organizing everything. Since there was nothing inside to begin with, all he had to do was fill it in; there was no need to organize it. The cupboard in the narrow kitchen was just enough for his items, but even filling it to the brim, I noticed he hadn’t even filled more than half.

“Hey, wear a coat. Let’s eat.”

The moment I saw Lee Jihoon waiting at the door, I nodded, breaking my gaze from the cupboard. I recalled where the Korean grocery store I had seen on the way was.

“Aren’t you getting sleepy?”

I turned my head sideways after staring blankly at the ceiling. Lee Jihoon’s roommate had told him he wouldn’t be in the room today. For that reason, Lee Jihoon had taken over his roommate’s bed and was lying on his side looking at me. His posture, with his arms folded and head resting atop them, seemed comfortable. Not only did his mischievous face ask so innocently the moment our eyes met.

“Can you give me a briefing on what we will do tomorrow?”

Technically speaking, apart from the bathroom, we were in a space that consisted of only one room. So there was only one switch attached. Keeping the harsh fluorescent light on would be too bright at night, so due to Lee Jihoon only turning on the lamp at his desk, the room was dimmed. The very faint white light was just enough to recognize each other’s faces. To take a closer look at Lee Jihoon, I would have to move closer to the end of his bed. I nodded absentmindedly at him and lay down without adjusting the position of my pillow.

It was as if he waited for me to get comfortable before he began listing the plans we were going to carry out over the next few days. Museums, art galleries, performances, even a bus tour. The tightly packed schedule laid out hourly seemed busy just to listen to. Even though the purpose of my trip was to see Lee Jihoon’s face, he seemed determined to make my short three-day NYC trip meaningful in any way he could without knowing that. Well, anyway, we would be together the whole time, so that was fine. As I stared at the ceiling contemplating this, I suddenly sensed something was off and turned my head.

“…We’re watching a musical at one-thirty, and we’re going to enter the museum at two?”

“Yep.”

“Is that even a feasible plan?”

“Not really.”

“…Then why did you say it like that?”

“I thought I’d throw a surprise test to see if you were paying attention. I hoped you would look around as a bonus.”

When something is absurdly silly, it is hard to find words. As I propped myself up on my elbows, I could see Lee Jihoon, who was smiling mischievously, a bit clearer than when he was lying down. I threw the nearby pillow at his face.

“A!”

“Next week you’ll be 24, you idiot. Twenty-four.”

“Getting hit with a pillow at 24 still hurts!”

Seeing him pretend to be hurt when he could have easily dodged the pillow made me feel embarrassed for wallowing in feelings of nostalgia and growth pains.

Since I didn’t respond any further, Lee Jihoon fell silent too. I discreetly turned my head to see if he was asleep, unexpectedly locking eyes with him. Lee Jihoon looked at me with his cheek pressed flat against the pillow, slowly opening his mouth.

“I think I missed you.”

Unlike me, who was still adjusting to the time difference, he seemed to be accustomed to New York’s time, his face looked sleep-ready just waiting to fall asleep at any moment. He looked at me with sleepy eyes, and I wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Suddenly, what….”

After a long pause, I heard Lee Jihoon laugh. As if he had expected me to say just that. Just like when I had said ‘not really’ earlier, he grinned as his eyes twinkled. Instead of retracting such absurdly ticklish words, he shrugged.

“Yeah. It’s sudden for me too, but seeing you look like you’re in disbelief makes it feel real to say it.”

“…….”

“I feel like something is dropping here. Like after drinking gas revitalizer.”

Lee Jihoon combed his palm down from his chest as if he were feeling nauseous, chuckled softly, and pulled the pillow closer to his face. I couldn’t look away from the sight of him burying his face into the fluffy pillow. I felt like if I said anything, it would shatter the moment we were sharing.

“That’s not the kind of expression that can even be captured in a photo. It makes me feel like I was choking all this time because I couldn’t see you when I wanted to….”

With that fascinating musing, Lee Jihoon closed his mouth. He remained motionless for a long time as if he had fallen asleep. After some time had passed, I carefully propped myself up. Through the window that had no blinds, the light from the streetlamps streamed in. I could see a faint orange glow that indicated Lee Jihoon was lying in the same direction as before. I lay back down again, gazing at the ceiling as I pulled my body a bit further to the edge of the bed. By straining my ears, I could faintly hear Lee Jihoon’s gentle snores. I closed my eyes and wished that I could remember this moment for a long time.

Lee Jihoon’s sense of responsibility extended beyond just travel planning. He never let me pull out my wallet in situations where I had to settle the bill. I knew he was someone who generously spent money on me and Kang Youngsoo, but his insistence to cover all expenses during the trip was too much. Especially knowing that he was working part-time trying to cope with the exorbitant prices here.

Just the tickets for the musical alone… Apparently, those had even been bought beforehand. The ticket price I checked online without Lee Jihoon noticing floated in front of my eyes. The habit to check the prices wherever we went had emerged because he kept insisting on using his card instead of mine. I felt uneasy about coming here and making him spend money on me. I was tempted to cancel some plans in light of that, but Lee Jihoon, oblivious, persisted in looking for the next financial opportunity. Even now, he pushed me into a café, insisting it looked cold. Considering we hadn’t strayed far from Broadway, the coffee was particularly pricy. In the meantime, he seemed intent on ordering cake, peering into the display window of transparent desserts. Before he could notice, I rapidly approached the cashier. I ordered faster than ever and handed over my card.

“What are you doing?”

I got my card back, but Lee Jihoon grabbed my arm. His expression grew serious as he darted his gaze between me and the staff.

“I’ll cover this. You showed me the musical.”

I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but his expression didn’t lighten. Even when the coffee I ordered was placed on the table, it was the same. It felt awkward between us although we weren’t fighting. I even deliberately pushed the coffee slightly towards him while trying to act as if nothing happened, but he simply stared down at the coffee in silence. His facial expression didn’t seem appropriate for idle chit-chat either. However, I didn’t have anything to apologize for. After contemplating for too long, we ended up leaving without engaging in a proper conversation.