FBF chapter 19 part 5
by VolareShould I be relieved that the doctor sitting in front of me isn’t my grandfather’s attending physician? Nevertheless, the calm expression of the doctor explaining while bringing a thin pointer over the X-ray carries the fate of a medical professional, who must remain composed while discussing tragedy. This too is something I have grown tired of seeing. I just never imagined that the subject would turn out to be me.
I turned my head very slowly towards the X-ray screen. From the moment I confirmed that the place I had arrived at, following an outpatient reservation made by the health examination center, had a sign that read neurosurgery, my stiff body creaked as even that easy action became burdensome.
The moment I checked my brain scan, which I had never properly looked at before in my life, I clenched my hands over my thighs as if gathering them. The doctor, who had been explaining, turned his head towards me. As was customary with anyone about to speak difficult words, he let out a heavy sigh while adjusting his glasses. The man looked troubled as he faced me instead of my grandfather. A face that would only be meant to exhibit sympathy for a patient.
“After confirming through precise tests whether the growth is benign, and verifying the blood vessels through angiography, we will decide on a treatment course. However, based on the results of the CT and MRI scans, we have diagnosed that…”
Even though he paused dramatically, I already knew what he was about to say.
Because my brain scan looked remarkably similar to my grandfather’s brain scan from years ago. The location and size of the growth were identical. As if it had been photocopied and placed anew.
When my grandfather was first diagnosed with a cyst in his head, the face of the doctor who looked at me with pity overlapped with the face of the doctor in front of me. The two images merged into one, and that unified face looked at me. I recalled the symptoms that would appear every time my body felt fatigued to the point of collapsing or when my headache was severe. Things I knew yet dismissed as nothing. Even as I looked at my grandfather lying there, I had never thought to connect it to myself. The mere realization of that fact made my head throb. The fingers resting on my knees clawed at my thighs tightly. I felt that I needed to do so to maintain my balance.
“It’s too large to treat with medication, so I believe surgery will be necessary. The position of the growth is not ideal, but in my personal opinion, since you are still young and provided it doesn’t grow any larger…”
It seemed my memory wasn’t wrong. Because my grandfather had also received such hopeful words from the doctor back then. I remembered it clearly; it was something I had memorized in an effort to persuade my grandfather, who was adamant about not undergoing surgery.
I was the one who persuaded my grandfather to undergo the procedure. Clinging to him, pleading not to leave me alone in a life that seemed to have no regrets.
That grandfather, after having the surgery, has now been bedridden for five years. The reason he suddenly fell into a state of unconsciousness after initially recovering well from the operation is even unknown to the hospital. ‘Cause unknown.’ Those four words, stuck in the neutral zone between hope and despair, have gnawed at me unnoticed.
“For now, please be admitted for precise examinations…”
The sound of the chair being pulled was followed by a dull scraping noise. Realizing it was a result of my sudden stand up, I noticed the surprised expression on the doctor’s face as he picked up the phone from under the desk. It wasn’t even my body anymore; it felt like my head and body were playing separate games.
“Ah….”
I stood there, blinking vacantly. Standing up abruptly was an impulsive act, and I grasped the situation with a delay even within myself. The issue was that even after gathering my wits, I had no inclination to sit back down. Unlike ordinary patients who would believe the doctor’s hopeful words, I couldn’t bring myself to say that I would be admitted immediately. The only action I could take, having lost my options, was to reach out towards the doctor. The doctor’s face looked uncomfortable as he passed me the phone. As he watched my expression, he spoke cautiously, as if trying not to upset me.
“I know this unexpected result must be very overwhelming for you. You’ll need time to gather your thoughts. However, considering the possibility that it could be malignant or grow larger, it would be best for you to be admitted and receive treatment as soon as possible…”
I had to respond. I had to say something. If I didn’t, I would appear strange.
Even while thinking like that, my mouth wouldn’t move according to my will. It was only when I placed my hand to my trembling eyes, trying to stop the tears, that my lips moved like they were being pushed from behind.
“No. I….”
“……”
“Later. I’ll do it later. Right now….”
In that moment, a wave of nausea surged within me that I couldn’t contain. Covering my mouth with my hand, I bent forward and dashed out of the examination room. Struggling against the dizziness that made it feel like all the people and objects in the hallway were merging into one direction, I desperately moved my feet. It wasn’t until I stumbled and finally reached the restroom at the end of the corridor that I could ease my balance.
The moment I opened the nearest restroom door, I was already kneeling on the floor. I already knew what was going to happen next.
The food I had consumed, simply because it was prepared by Lee Jihoon, poured out as if waiting for me, carrying all the fears and regrets I had accumulated over the past years. Only after gagging several times and heaving my breaths did I realize that what was spilling into the toilet was not all of it.
‘No, there was a young man earlier holding onto the toilet. His face was pale and he stayed like that for a long time, so I was pushing him to go to the emergency room, but he stubbornly refused and insisted on sitting down, saying he had someone with him. It was unusual, so I told him to take care of it himself. Yet, it kept bothering me while cleaning. I was wondering if I had missed him.’
Now that I think about it, Lee Jihoon must have been in this situation that day. Trapped in this cramped restroom stall, he must have vomited his insides out because he could not endure even the trace of past pains lingering in his body. Someone beside him, someone within the confines of a barrier, unable to witness the suffering of others. Perhaps he carries that trauma like a talisman, afraid of losing someone dear to him like his mother, or drawing closer to a situation where such loss might happen.
“Ha… ha….”
I barely exhaled while sensing my vision fogging up. In a world where gravity had seemingly vanished, I felt like I was the only one plummeting down among people who were rising into the air. When I realized that the cold sweat that was drenching my forehead didn’t have to drip down, I touched my cheeks in confusion. The moment I felt the dampness on my cheeks, I shut my eyes tightly and slammed my head against the bathroom wall. Tears flowed down like a heavy downpour.
I recall the day we first brought my grandfather to this hospital. It was some time after he had lost consciousness. I had consulted with the doctor who was reputedly skilled in the field of neurosurgery, engaged in conversation with the caretaker, and stepped outside for a smoke, where I discovered this place.
Perhaps it was because it was the largest university hospital in our country, but they even had two walking paths made for patients, and smoking areas scattered about. Therefore, I hadn’t seen anyone else in this rest space since I discovered it. If one walks along the secluded path between the back door of the hospital and the emergency room, one corners again to reveal a space with only a single bench and an ashtray just for appearances. Old leaves from the past seasons lay haphazardly scattered across the wooden bench, and just by looking at the always empty ashtray, it was evident that this was not a frequently visited spot.
That was why I liked it. Here, I didn’t have to see someone looking at me with pity. Perhaps because of that, I spent more time here than in my grandfather’s hospital room. This place was unparalleled as a spot to check on the slowly rising, yet meager hope that gathered like leaves over the days.
Sitting idly on the bench, I gazed at the leaves that were changing with the seasons and pondered.
Would my grandfather be able to get through this season?
Even though I had never confidently answered that it would happen, I could not bear to give him up. Even at those moments when the thought crept up inside me that he surely wouldn’t want that either, I desperately pushed it away.
Meanwhile, the leaves that had fallen onto the bench had changed colors countless times. As the trees let go of their leaves, I could only recognize that I was unable to let go of anything.
“……”
The winter leaves were unsightly and shriveled. Even the few that barely clung to the tree looked no different. Gazing at the precarious sight, as if a strong gust could make them fly away with a single blow, I thought about how it might have been better had they dropped in autumn instead of withstanding the winter. It might have been better to give up without regret than to hold one’s breath, calculating when the tree would shed its leaves or when the wind would blow.
I moved my hands, which were red from the cold. As I took my phone out of my pocket, I realized that I had been sitting here long enough for my fingers and toes to lose feeling. Seeing the stacked notifications on the screen left my mouth feeling hollow. I desperately tried to ignore the names of people I could not bring myself to face and moved my frozen hands. Mechanically scrolling down, I searched through my call log for someone I needed to contact.
Before the ringing tone could sound several times, the call connected. Only when I moved my lips to form words did I realize my mind had frozen too, not just my hands. A dry voice escaped through my parched lips.
“Captain, it’s me.”
-I know, why? Saw your message about taking a break. Didn’t you get my reply?
“I saw it. Are you free to talk?”
-Yeah, go ahead. Did you call about Cha Hyuk-jun?
“…Did something happen again?”
-Nah. To put it bluntly, we’re no longer involved. It seems that he wasn’t acting without thought like you mentioned. He’s apparently getting ready to face his father step by step. I just spoke with the lawyer he appointed earlier; he’s younger than I expected, but he’s not ordinary. It seems he’s set on turning it into a full-blown legal battle, as if he were brainwashed under Choi Jeong-ho.
“……”
-I know he’s aware that evidence related to Choi Jeong-ho was obtained from Cha Hyuk-jun’s house in Taean. This situation will likely escalate into a vicious fight between father and son, but honestly, that’s a thank-you for us. Isn’t it? Once it turns into a scandal, we just need to collect the evidence that surfaces for our justification. For now, let’s keep an eye on it. Our part in this has concluded… Hello? You there? What’s up?
“…No, I can hear you.”
-Then why are you so quiet? Are you still in a lot of pain? Should you rest tomorrow too? If it’s serious, don’t hold it in and let me know. Honestly, I’m not surprised, you brat. I had a feeling you’d face a day like this.
The habitual scolding from the captain, which used to feel like a threat each time he looked at me, no longer resonated the same way. Should I have listened to him? If I had been quicker to recognize my body’s signals, would things have turned out differently? Regret, which only holds value after the fact, stirred chaotically within me.
I took a deep breath. Gently rubbing the corners of my eyes, which were beginning to twitch, I found it hard to speak.
“Captain.”
-Yeah.
“……”
-What’s with the tone? You’re scaring me.
“About that opportunity in Seosan…”
Swallowing hard as I kept my gaze fixed on the dead leaves at my feet, the voice I had prepared to deliver stung my throat painfully. As if to warn me that the words I was about to say couldn’t be picked up again. Ignoring that warning, I opened my mouth.
“I want to know if that opportunity is still valid.”
Since that morning until now, I had spent all day sitting in that space, extinguishing hope. I thought tirelessly about how to convey my words to Lee Jihoon. But as soon as I saw him, I realized. The thought that I was prepared had only stemmed from the illusion I could maintain while not seeing him all day.
Lee Jihoon, whose usually well-kept hair was tousled, wore a face reddened with agitation, as if he were someone who had come out from being in a warm room. The moment I spotted the car keys clutched in his hand, I felt dazed.
He must have been looking for me all day. Of course, he would have been.
“You…”
The emotions I had postponed flooded in an instant. The clarity of those emotions appearing in my grasp startled me so much that I stepped backward instinctively.
This realization finally struck me: Even just a day without being in touch, our relationship had grown to a point where it felt so anxious.
“Are you okay? You’re not hurt or anything…”
It was in that moment when I realized it.
I could not accept that fact and reacted instinctively, shaking off his hand. The expression on his face as he was pushed away felt like something within me was dying. I couldn’t bear to look directly into Lee Jihoon’s face, lowering my eyes instead.
“Don’t touch me.”
“……”
“I’m fine. I didn’t get hurt.”
Even in a daze, my body was diligently replaying learned behavior. Contrary to my concerns, deception flowed from my lips effortlessly. Looking back, I barely ever intended to lie to Lee Jihoon. Even just pretending to be like a friend exhausted me of all my energy, so I often opted to avoid or keep my mouth shut instead.
“Ah, I bought this at the flower shop this morning…”
“You were late because you were working overtime.”
Only when I consciously told a lie did I realize.
That not communicating is different from lying. In the latter case, the weight of guilt is far heavier, and the accountability for those words increases tremendously.
On the table in the living room sat flowers I had never seen before. During the last two months we had lived together, and throughout the fourteen years we had known each other, we had never thought to give each other such things. Even with Kang Youngsoo as the criteria, that crossed a line, and it was strange to exchange gifts between just two guys. Lee Jihoon couldn’t possibly be unaware of that. The flowers firmly placed in the center of the living room felt like a declaration.
His surrender. It implied we were no longer just friends.
That would continue in the future too. Lee Jihoon would do things he would not do if it weren’t for me without hesitation, placing me at the center of his life.
As a being he can’t afford to lose. As a being he must never lose.
“What?”
Turning around, I met his trembling gaze that confirmed that fact. Once again, a corner of my heart dimmed to black. Only when I cleared away the ashes still left there could I clench my hands tightly.
“We…”
“……”
“Let’s talk.”
Facing each other as if in confrontation, we locked eyes. It was Lee Jihoon who eventually broke the prolonged gaze and turned his head away. The sound of him raking his two hands across his face, followed by his shut eyes, became audible.
“I can’t take this anymore… damn it…”
With no words coming out, I could only see his throat move endlessly. As if he had something to say, but couldn’t spit it out and kept swallowing it down. After bearing with it, after all that, Lee Jihoon turned his head back to me again. His neck and the area connecting to his ears turned completely red. Nevertheless, the gaze directed at me was significantly steadier than before. His voice, dulled in pitch, echoed as if he were forcing himself to remain calm.
“Alright. Talking is good. Everything’s fine, but…”
He struggled to control the muscles in his face that wouldn’t obey him and didn’t take his eyes off me as if he were grabbing on to his last straw.
“First, explain why you lied to me.”
It shouldn’t have been possible, but for a moment, I nearly mistook it for Lee Jihoon also knowing what had transpired with me today.
“I couldn’t reach you after your work hours, so I contacted your junior. They told me you didn’t even show up today.”
“……”
“I’m curious about why you lied about working overtime. Is there a reason for that?”
Only realizing that he had sensed the seriousness of my messy lie, I felt as though my heart was being chased. Compared to the lies I would tell in the future, this was nothing, but Lee Jihoon was reacting as if the sky had fallen because of the mere fact. I too was shaken by witnessing him unravel.
What he had just gritted his teeth and endured was his disappointment in me. Just realizing that made me feel as if I were hanging off a cliff.
“Seon-uk-a.”
I was scared to see the depth of his profound patience as he deferred even the disappointment in me.
“What’s wrong? It’s okay, just tell me.”
The moment I tried to look into it, everything would turn to nothing.
As Lee Jihoon took a step closer and gripped my elbow, my mind snapped back to reality. I hurriedly pulled my elbow away from his grasp. Ignoring the hesitant gaze of Lee Jihoon traveling from my arm up, I stepped back once more. The moment something hard touched the back of my calf, I realized I had bumped into the table. The vase atop it shook violently and toppled over. Water spilling out of the vase drenched the table and spilled onto the carpet, yet neither Lee Jihoon nor I moved an inch.
“…….”
“……”
I had pushed Lee Jihoon away for the second time already. This time, it felt like he froze, unable to recover from that fact. His gaze remained locked on the fallen vase. I quickly opened my mouth, turning away from his expression.
“I have no confidence.”
He had just held my elbow briefly, yet I felt the chill of his hand through the thin knit fabric. Whether he had been searching for me all day or whether the ice in his hand was due to panic over not finding me, I could tell that Lee Jihoon was sensitive to the cold. I knew that he would always pop into my head if I happened to see hand warmers while passing by. If he found out that I was hurting, incidents like today would turn into his norm. He would live his life centered around me, disregarding whether his own hands were cold. Even if his hands became cold to the touch multiple times or if his whole body trembled, he would not back down. Each day, he would live with the anxiety of whether I would perish.
I couldn’t bear to witness that sight. I had seen Lee Jihoon wandering aimlessly after his mother’s death. I know how much he struggled to heal from that scar. I also remember his words, which he failed to erase in all that time.
“Don’t get hurt. I can’t handle that.”
The first condition had failed. It hadn’t been intentional, but it happened anyway. Because it did, I have to take responsibility for the latter. So that Lee Jihoon wouldn’t have to bear that burden.
“I thought about it throughout today… I think it was premature, what we did yesterday.”
Lee Jihoon lifted his gaze from the fallen vase. In his trembling eyes, I saw my own reflection shaking back at me, but the words stuck within my mouth spun around uselessly. After a long internal battle with myself, I spat out the words I had rehearsed all day. I was relieved that my voice hadn’t trembled.
“I went to your house yesterday. There were magazines your junior had left behind, and looking at the interview made me wonder. So I went to the airport…”
“……”
“I regretted it as soon as I woke up. The moment I saw your text, I realized what I had done.”
Unable to endure my lack of credibility, my thoughts felt as though they were being warped into a convoluted script.
“We’re not that young anymore, and I think I ended up acting like the age when I’d liked you just because you mentioned you were confused then.”
As I continued speaking, Lee Jihoon’s face grew colder. It was as if he suddenly realized the only way to prevent that expression from spiraling out of control was to freeze it in place. I felt I had to keep talking, as though if I didn’t, we would end up trapped in a cave together. Like someone determined to bring a halted train out of the tunnel no matter what.
“I’m not blaming you. It can still be corrected even now. We haven’t started anything; we just slept once…”
My words halted. Being restrained by his hands, I couldn’t move. Lee Jihoon, grasping my arm tightly as if to ensure he wouldn’t miss it, leaned into me before I could push him away.
“Just sleeping once?”
“……”
“If you could say that, then you should have slept with me two months ago. You were the one who said you couldn’t be friends with someone you slept with, not me.”
“…Let go of this.”
“Don’t act like this insanity is the way to handle it; just tell me what happened and why you’re suddenly acting like this!”
Lee Jihoon’s shouting left all the effort I had made to put on a mask in vain. The scene of the minimal defenses I had built collapsing was a pitiful sight.