FBF chapter 11 part 9

I opened my mouth heavily, thinking about things I had never considered before.

“…Lee Jihoon.”

Just calling his name left me speechless. I felt as if I didn’t know what to say first. After a long pause, I continued.

“Come home.”

It’s not easy to report a missing adult man. Especially if he disappeared on his own.

I don’t think Lee Jihoon is missing. Even though we fought over things we haven’t shown each other, I knew better than anyone that he wouldn’t do something extreme.

But enduring the absence that I caused was overwhelming. I was even scared thinking he might be vomiting somewhere I couldn’t see him. Perhaps Lee Jihoon felt similarly when I declared I’d leave my life behind. The notion that I don’t know what he might do or where he might be is perhaps the scariest feeling.

The snow had completely melted over the weekend. Looking out the window, where not a single trace of snow remained, I spoke in a damp voice.

“If you don’t come… even if you hate me, I’ll find you.”

Only after the recording ended did the call finally disconnect. After putting my phone away, I got out of the car. I recalled Ha sunbae’s words to eat something, but I had no desire to do so, so I turned my feet towards the police station. The lights shining out from the building were bright, showing that my team members were still inside. I had hardly taken a step towards the parking lot when I stopped.

At the edge of the complaint parking lot, a foreign car that seemed out of place stood by itself. I lowered my gaze to confirm the familiar license plate, then raised my head. The moment I made eye contact with the figure leaning against the hood with crossed arms, words escaped my mouth without thinking.

“I had a health check-up.”

If I didn’t say so, I felt like Lee Jihoon might run away.

“I didn’t work over the weekend either.”

After speaking, like a stranger standing in a desert fearing that the landscape in front of me would vanish like a mirage, I felt as if I finally brushed off the sand that had been irritating my throat for three whole days. I searched for a conjunction to link what I had said with the next thought. So, Lee Jihoon…

“…Don’t be mad.”

Just don’t disappear. Although I had never said it out loud…

“I feel a bit overwhelmed every time you do that.”

Lee Jihoon, who had been watching me without moving, uncrossed his arms. Then he turned his body and picked something up, shaking it toward me. I recognized the outline of an object swinging in the air. Lee Jihoon was holding a three-tiered lunch box.

As Lee Jihoon got up, he slowly approached. Within a few steps, he stood in front of me, exhaling into the air and finally meeting my eyes. He looked tired, but he wasn’t emaciated or haggard. That alone was a relief. He didn’t look like someone who had been vomiting or struggling with what he ate.

“Have you eaten anything today?”

To his casual question, I slowly shook my head. Normally, I would have lied and said I had eaten, but I felt I couldn’t do that anymore.

Lee Jihoon nodded, unfazed.

“Then let’s eat.”

He pointed with his chin towards the opposite side where the eateries were clustered, as if he had already made up his mind. I grabbed Lee Jihoon’s arm as he was about to walk away.

“That….”

“Oh, this?”

After confirming my gaze was on the three-tiered lunch box, Lee Jihoon shrugged his shoulders.

“I brought some sandwiches, but it feels wrong to eat bread for the first meal.”

“…….”

“I’ll give you this later, so take it and share it with the team members.”

Lee Jihoon, who returned the lunch box to his car, noticed me glancing at him and chuckled.

“Hey.”

As he stepped closer and lightly tapped my shoulder, I detected a faint scent of cigarettes.

“Let’s go. I’m hungry.”

Watching him walk ahead with his hands in his pockets, I finally moved my feet that had been rooted to the ground.

The place Lee Jihoon led us to was a gookbap restaurant we occasionally visited with colleagues in front of the police station. The food was decent and came out quickly, making it a bustling place for office workers. It seemed relatively quiet now, perhaps because it was after rush hour. Lee Jihoon comfortably entered the restaurant and took a seat. Not even looking at the menu, he casually asked me if I wanted pork gookbap. I nodded vaguely. Now that I think about it, this was a place we had visited together once before. It was during a big case, and we had been so busy that I hadn’t even had time to eat. I rushed out the moment I heard Lee Jihoon was nearby, without even thinking about where to take him. Noticing me looking around confused, he pointed to this place. I grappled with my thoughts about whether serving such a dish to someone who had just come back to Korea after a long time was appropriate, as Lee Jihoon, who had been talking about how he was longing for gookbap, urged me to hurry up and get in after finishing his meal. It felt like I hadn’t even realized when I returned my ID card to him and he fixed my disheveled clothes, his final words ringing vividly in my memory.

“Hey, remember, you should eat well. I’m going now.”

The boy who waved goodbye without giving me a chance to stop him was doing something similar today. As I briefly lost myself in thought, I glanced at the boiling pot of gookbap before us and then looked up.

“…Where have you been? Youngsoo didn’t even know where you were.”

Lee Jihoon, who had been sipping water, briefly turned his gaze back at me. He swallowed before giving a nonchalant reply.

“Just, you know. Went to a hotel and stuff.”

He stirred the broth with his spoon, his face contorting slightly.

“Wow, this is really hot. I’m going to burn my tongue. You eat slowly.”

His rapidly muttered words had no connection to what he had said before. It was as if he was subtly indicating that he didn’t want to talk about it. The outfit he wore, a black T-shirt beneath a plain blue jumper, was different from what I had seen him in last Saturday. Just looking at him piqued my curiosity. Where had he been, and where did he even get those sandwiches?

As he casually looked at me without reaching for his spoon, Lee Jihoon eventually shifted his gaze to the television behind me.

[In other news, Director Kim Myung-rim’s side has provided details regarding the Hongcheon villa incident…]

The news was the same dreary broadcast that continued here with only a different anchor’s face and clothing. People scattered inside the restaurant were eating while watching the news. I could hear the loud discussion between two middle-aged men sitting diagonally regarding Kim Myung-rim’s appearance. After staring at the screen for a while, Lee Jihoon turned back to me only after the photo next to the anchor’s face disappeared.

“Were you busy catching him?”

For a moment, I was startled as I thought he was asking if they had caught Choi Hyuk-jun, but then I recalled that there hadn’t been any reports mentioning his name yet. If it had been Choi Hyuk-jun, Lee Jihoon wouldn’t have asked so calmly. From his expression, it seemed he was hearing this news for the first time. He never really showed interest in entertainment news and never went out of his way to look it up, so I wasn’t surprised.

I hesitated but nodded slightly. Lee Jihoon briefly frowned but once again lowered his head without saying much. As he began to scoop up the gookbap with his spoon, he suddenly stopped his actions at an unexpected moment.

“Hey.”

His gaze was still fixated on the plate with onions in front of him. After staring at the number of onion pieces as if counting them, he sighed.

“Sorry for being such a mess.”

Hearing the sudden apology, I completely put my spoon down. The tiny space beneath the crowded table was too cramped for maximum efficiency. I carefully nudged his foot with the tip of my shoe. Only then did he meet my eyes again, as I quickly spoke up, revealing words I had repeated to myself since Saturday whenever I found time. When I finally saw Lee Jihoon again, I wanted to tell him immediately.

“I really thought it wasn’t a big deal, so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to worry you for no reason.”

“…….”

“The injuries… even if they look like this, it was never serious enough for hospitalization. I promise.”

Hearing me without saying a word, Lee Jihoon mildly nodded. His gaze, seemingly lost in thought, returned to the gookbap. Having opened up about the conversation we had been avoiding for so long and also providing an apology, I finally felt a little more at ease. I took my gaze away from him stirring the gookbap, but I found myself frozen in place. I was taken aback by the words that Lee Jihoon let slip seemingly as if he had resolved to say them.

“When my mom was in the hospital.”

It had been a long while since Lee Jihoon mentioned his late mother. My heart sank, but Lee Jihoon maintained a calm demeanor, at least on the surface.

“The thing I feared the most was my mom dying when I wasn’t there.”

Lee Jihoon spoke coolly. It was something we had never bothered to share despite knowing each other for a long time. Things we thought were better left unsaid, believing that knowing it alone was sufficient and that revealing it to others would only burden them with unnecessary worries.

“So I insisted on sleeping on the cot beside her, even at night. I refused to go on training camps.”

“…….”

“My mom must have hated that. Seeing a child who used to sleep so well immediately after turning one staying up and fretting; she probably thought it was all her fault. She talked to my dad about it, insisting that they take me home every day and persuade me to go on training camps for several days.”

Recalling that time with a bittersweet smile, Lee Jihoon looked down. I held my breath, understanding why he had stopped speaking. The pain of the past, which cannot be changed, is hard to bear because we already know it. Lee Jihoon had become an adult who chewed over his past in silence. The sadness he could suppress emerged intermittently every time he opened his mouth.

“The first time I left home after my mom died was when I went to my grandmother’s house during summer vacation.”

“…….”

“My dad said I had a seizure while sleeping at night.”

The story he had never told before conjured images of Lee Jihoon at sixteen back into my mind. To my surprise, certain memories resurfaced. It was a recollection of an ordinary summer day that I thought nothing of. The day after Kang Youngsoo had come over to play and sleep over, excited about seeing my computer. That night, as I returned from the bathroom before sleeping, I had spotted Lee Jihoon outside in the yard from behind.

“I seemed like I couldn’t even breathe properly, and even when someone called me, I couldn’t come to. My dad panicked and took me to the hospital, and after doing all sorts of tests, the hospital said there was nothing wrong.”

“…….”

“But I knew why it happened.”

“…….”

“I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and realized this wasn’t Taean. So, even if my mom died, I wouldn’t be able to go right away.”

Lee Jihoon stood in front of the bicycle seat, droplets falling from the clothesline.

“I couldn’t bring myself to tell my dad that, so I just suggested that we go home. I thought it would make things better.”

‘…Lee Jihoon?’

As I hesitated to ask, Lee Jihoon slowly turned, his back soaking wet.

‘You’re already back? Why did you come back so early?’

I had been questioning why he, who had said he’d gone to his grandmother’s house the day before, was now standing in my yard when he suddenly said:

“Hey, I want to sleep over too.”

On that summer day. The day I chose my grandfather over my mom. The day we realized that eventually, things would get better, and to achieve that, we have to choose to be with the ones we love.

“And… things really got better once I came to Taean.”

“…….”

“When I saw you.”

Lee Jihoon was saying he had chosen me that day.

“When I saw you hurt… It reminded me of those times. It felt maddening. I couldn’t even breathe.”

The face of the boy asking if it was okay to sleep over, overlapping without discomfort over the grown man’s slightly awkward smile, made me feel an ache deep within. I, who hadn’t known the feelings I was harboring then, asked Lee Jihoon softly.

“Why… didn’t you ever say that happened?”

It felt absurd. If I had heard this story beforehand, leaving would have been even harder. Still, I couldn’t help but ask. I had never thought that my overreaction felt excessive for a close friend might relate to wounds of the past that I thought he had somewhat overcome, and I felt an indescribable guilt washing over me.

It seems I had, unknowingly, served as a reminder for him of his sad past. Just like how I intended to leave.

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to look weak.”

Lee Jihoon seemed embarrassed later on. His idle stirring of the gookbap had come to a gradual halt. He blinked rapidly as he moved his lips.

And…

“It was okay as long as you were by my side.”

I didn’t know what to do. Leaving Lee Jihoon or staying; both felt like painful choices now.

How had we ended up so deeply embedded in each other’s lives? It would have been better if we had only thought of each other to the extent we could bear.

“Lee Jihoon. I…”

Thinking such things, I awkwardly opened my mouth. I wanted to promise him something he would wish for, even at the cost of sharing such stories.

“I won’t be hurt.”

“…….”

“I’ll stay healthy. I’ll take good care of myself.”

Lee Jihoon’s expression shifted quickly as he raised his head, his brows twitching. Seeing my serious look seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and shook his head in disbelief.

“If you can’t even say a proper word, it’s not even funny. Just eat.”

“…I’m serious.”

“You have to say those kinds of things while eating for them to come across as genuine, you know? It doesn’t count if you don’t even touch your food.”

As he lightly tapped the edge of the pot with his spoon in jest, his expression brightened up. The restaurant, which had been filled with middle-aged men discussing the terrible cultural habits they had imported, suddenly fell silent as they vacated the premises. As I glanced at him wiping around his mouth with a tissue, I hesitated for a moment before speaking up.

“Lee Jihoon.”

“What?”

“Try to keep your phone off as much as possible.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s dangerous. At least someone should know where you are.”

Lee Jihoon, who had momentarily looked at me, casually pulled back his gaze. Without even looking, he tossed the used tissue into the trash can next to the table.

“You have a lot of expectations, you police dude.”

Though the remaining seriousness said otherwise, he was joking. Even seeing my uninterested expression, Lee Jihoon leaned back against the wall with a playful smile. For a moment, I felt absurd, but seeing him smile relieved me, so I lifted my spoon and spoke as a compromise.

“Then, I’ll only ask for that. I won’t ask for anything else.”

Lee Jihoon, who had not responded, finally threw a remark as I put my spoon down.

“I’m not turning my phone off, so you better keep your promise too.”

“…….”

“Don’t be hurt. I can’t handle that.”

As Lee Jihoon stood up holding the bill, there was no trace of playfulness left on his face. He looked at me with eyes that demanded an answer and I nodded.

I sensed it from the moment Lee Jihoon began sharing his story. I now realized I couldn’t afford to show signs of weakness in front of Lee Jihoon. How could I inflict the same wounds on him? Even the story I heard today would linger in my heart for the rest of my life, rendering me unable to forget and causing me perpetual sorrow.

* * *

“I don’t even know if this is okay.”

Ha sunbae wore a perplexed expression even while standing in front of Choi Hyuk-jun’s house. I had already comprehended the background behind his worried demeanor from the sighs he let out repeatedly. According to the briefing from our team leader after returning from the upper management meeting, it was highly likely that Choi Hyuk-jun would be released without being arrested. If someone who was the son of a high-ranking employee of a major corporation could be released, what reason would there be for the son of Choi Jeong-ho to not be released, given his connections with politicians? It seemed Choi Jeong-ho had made a calculated judgment. It appeared that Choi Hyuk-jun’s influence on their drug operations was more significant than anticipated. It seemed the conclusion was to keep him within reach instead of cutting ties and fleeing.

The issue was that a search warrant had already been issued against Choi Hyuk-jun. In this conservative organization, ignoring a signal from the higher-ups to avoid escalating the case would be a survival strategy, but our team leader was a person who had been unable to leave the field despite being over fifty due to his inability to do that. As he turned his head, asking what we were going to do, I replied that I would go down to Taean. I told him that instead of taking someone with me and drawing attention, I would go quietly by myself. After all, it was a low-risk endeavor. The team leader didn’t stop me; he simply assigned Ha sunbae, who had more experience than me, to accompany me.

Fortunately, there wasn’t a single ant in the vicinity of Choi Hyuk-jun’s house. Even though ownership had completely transferred to Choi Hyuk-jun a few years ago and was officially documented as having no relation to Choi Jeong-ho, it was a bit suspicious that not a single one of Choi Jeong-ho’s subordinates was lingering around.

The house hadn’t changed much from what I remembered. The pond in the yard and the three-tiered fountain looked just as I remembered. But what lay beneath? I stared at the green, murky water that obscured the bottom of the pond for a short while before turning my head. I met the eyes of Ha sunbae, who had placed his hands on his hips and was looking at me.

There must be a reason Choi Hyuk-jun insisted that I go down to Taean before he got caught. The moment Choi Jeong-ho mentioned that he had given up even retrieving his mother’s body, the gleam of murderous intent that briefly shone in Choi Hyuk-jun’s eyes gave me conviction. Something was hidden here that could ruin Choi Jeong-ho. It would be an element that could separate Choi Jeong-ho and Choi Hyuk-jun not just in name but in truth.

“It will go well, sunbae.”

Ha sunbae lightly slapped my shoulder with a relaxed expression, as if he had relaxed after his tension. The tool bag filled with equipment I had brought along swung slightly on his shoulder.

“It’s not just that it will go well; it must go well, man. We’ve come all the way to Taean, so we need to get something.”

Even though we had already confirmed that we were the only ones making our way up the secluded path through the woods, Ha sunbae once more turned his head left and right, scanning the area for a long while before approaching the front door. Seeing if there was a latch on the front door, Ha sunbae frowned as he turned back. The reason would become clear soon. His mere touch had opened the front door wide.

“Even if it’s a dilapidated house, you’re telling me they leave the door unlocked? It’s practically begging to be robbed.”

While Ha sunbae chuckled lightly, he was now holding the doorknob with less hesitation than before. It seemed that the easy security stoked some kind of stubbornness in him. The moment the door opened, he stepped confidently inside, and I followed suit.

“…….”

Although it was daylight, it felt better to turn on the lights. I pressed the switch, and the surroundings brightened up. I walked into the center of the room and carefully surveyed my surroundings. The long sofa across the living room, the vintage table, and the glass display cabinet, even the grandfather clock standing in one corner of the living room reminded me of past memories. The images of Choi Hyuk-jun’s friends enjoying a party in this very room came flashing back alongside their scattered and disheveled state. I lightly brushed my fingers over the surface of the table. It was evident that the dust piled upon it had accumulated over more than just a few days.

According to the raccoon who had patrolled this area on my behalf, only the gardener had been visiting this house consistently. The gardener, as the name suggests, took care of the garden but had no obligation to clean the house. Thus, it would be natural for dust to accumulate on the furniture.

“You said there was a small door. Is this it?”

Ha sunbae, who had listened to me casually while driving down, seemed to be seeking the door first. He asked for confirmation in front of the small door in the corner, to which I nodded. Although I assumed it was an ordinary door, it was Choi Hyuk-jun who indicated otherwise.

“Hey. Do you see that?”

Standing two steps higher, looking down at me, the twisted expression on his face and the corners of his mouth turned gave me a clear reason to believe him.

“If you open that door, there are stairs leading down to the basement.”

When Ha sunbae knocked on the door, he soon found no suspicion in it and opened it wide. Then came the sounds of footsteps descending the stairs. According to the scene I had seen on Choi Hyuk-jun’s birthday in this house, it was also the staircase that he and Park Cheol-seung had climbed together. Although I had never looked inside, I had always suspected that it was a space where something Choi Hyuk-jun had covertly circulated was hidden away.